A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I currently own my own condo and moved in with my boyfriend several months ago. My boyfriend also owns his home. Because I currently have a tenant in my condo, I pay my boyfriend $700 per month plus 1/2 the groceries. My tenant's lease is up in a month and he hasn't requested a renewal so I very well may be looking for a new tenant in the near future. With this said, my boyfriend has indicated that should I not find a tenant, he expects me to still pay him rent and such. This would be fine and dandy however I will then have my own mortgage, etc. to take care of until I find a suitable tenant. I feel that if the situation were reversed, I would absolutely not expect him to pay me much. I feel like he is looking at me as a source of "savings" for him and is unwilling to forgo his "savings" should I not be able to get a tenant in time. My question here is simply who is being unreasonable in this situation? He has paid for his cost of living for ten years and can continue doing so. I figure a month or two of me not contributing as much (as I will have to pay for my own home expenses) is not a huge deal and is something he could support me with as a loving boyfriend.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (25 January 2011):
 Good luck to you and please come back and let us know how you are managing!
A
female
reader, Battista  +, writes (25 January 2011):
Good luck OP! That is a brave step. I think you are doing the right thing, which of course is usually the hardest thing to do as well. Sounds like your bf is not the right guy for you and seems to have different priorities, as this situation has made clear. You are in a good position having your own place to go back to, so make the most of your independence for a bit. But you are most certainly not a fool so please don't feel badly about that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): Ugh. He sounds like one cheap b---ard. He probably won't change. You deserve a man who's chivalrous, kind and caring, which this one isn't.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again, all. He is 33. We moved in together for merely passionate reasons. We fell in love and figured it was the right thing to do. Definitely a learning experience for me. He has a history of dating women for a month or two and then moving on, so I'm inclined to think that we are just on completely different wavelengths with respect to relationships. I grew up with a loving family, my parents are surprisingly still together, so I have a small idea of the efforts it takes. I think I've sacrificed enough with regard to this relationship, as Tish put it, time to move out, get my "strength" back and reassess the situation.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 January 2011):
I think you will be doing yourself a favor to move out, remove the financial entanglements from the relationship for the time being and reassess from a position of strength.
How old is he? And if he's been living alone for 10 years, how is it that you moved in together within less than a year? That seems a bit fast for me, you're still only getting to know one another.
Again, for me, the telling this is that you are facing a crisis and his response is to make sure he gets 'his', not to figure out a way to help you through the crunch. A favorite British saying of mine is, "you start as you mean to go on." In other words, he has established the fiscal tone for your relationship and I envision this only getting worse as time goes on. What if you two did get married, how would you handle the banking, bill paying, allocating funds for leisure, savings, retirement? There are a whole mess of big questions that you two haven't answered yet, and here you are living together. Too fast, too soon. Give yourself the space you need to see things very clearly, okay? Good luck.
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (24 January 2011):
 i agree with Tisha, if the chips were down, and you were in real financial trouble would he be a loving partner and be there for you? i hardly think so, on seeing your updates, if he is such a penny pincher, there is NO WAY he is gonna let you off with something bigger like weekly rent.
meanness is not good. we know you are not a gold digger with no means of her own! you own a condo! that is something that a lot of women twice your age don't even have. so he should give you a bit more respect and stop being so 'anal' with you regarding his cash. you have got a healthy attitude to money, your boyfriend really hasn't
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, I did live in my condo prior to moving in with him. As for other "redeeming qualities" - he says nice things to me when I'm 100% subservient, and there's always his looks. Haha, perhaps at the end of the day, I'm the one who really is the fool! On to the next? I think so.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (24 January 2011):
 Good for you! I couldn't agree more. It appears that finances are more important to him than you. That's never a good sign.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI figured as much. I most definitely will be moving out and I am leaning towards moving on from the relationship completely. I am not looking for any "sugar daddy", however I don't think I can tolerate someone so financially selfish.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (24 January 2011):
"Although am I not paying for his?"
You absolutely are, without any piece of it if you should break up too.
You have no financial obligation to him. None. You contribute because it's the right thing to do, not because you have to. I'm with Tisha, he failed this one, big time.
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male
reader, airwaterearthfirebender +, writes (24 January 2011):
 Hi, unfortunately I'm not in the mood to be politically correct and more endearing but felt a need to add my two cents...lol.
The only thing that comes to my mind is 'tightwad' and 'cheapskate' and how about 'Scrooge'?...lol. I hope this guy has other redeeming qualities because you did not appear to mention any (perhaps telling in and of itself). Now I don't think we have a full picture of the situation here as it is unclear whether you were living at your condo before moving in with your boyfriend because otherwise would your tenant have only been in your place for only a short while?
Because if you were living at your condo before then I would think he knows you sure as hell could move back without paying his sorry a$$.
Also, it doesn't appear he sees you as a long term investment...lol... because otherwise I think he wouldn't be nickel and diming you at every turn, even for a $15 bottle of wine!!! Are you in it knowing that? Is this just a convenience thing. If you both were more serious, I would think you both would see things as pooling resources. Of course, that is also a fine line because perhaps you may not want him having the benefit of your assets such as your condo.
Anyway, he is kind of pathetic IMO (defining it as compassion and understanding is too kind!) and any sense of chivalry is dead in his world it would appear, and likely forming as well by association.
At the end of the day, you have your own place and do not have to live with him. Hence, you have no need to pay him rent. You're obviously perturbed by this, and rightfully so IMO, buy I wonder how many women would just have left and dropped his sorry ass at that assertion that you still needed to pay rent even though...blah blah blah. I see no problem with covering some of the expenses, but $700 rent is ridiculous IMO.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 January 2011):
I tend not to believe in "living together" without having sorted all these types of questions out in advance. Run through the "what ifs" before you make that commitment to live together.
Personally, I would remove myself from the situation of having to pay twice for housing, by moving back into the condo. You can go back to dating from there and if there are sleepovers at each other's homes, I'm sure that will be fine. If he asks you to pay a pro-rated amount for the sleepovers at his house, you'll know you have a guy who is watching every penny and doesn't miss an opportunity to extract what he feels he is owed.
You've leapt ahead on the commitment thing by moving in and now that you're facing your first trial, his response is not what is best for the relationship or you, he response was what is best financially for himself. A bad sign, I think. So he flunks his first fiscal compassion test, to my mind. Helping you out for one month or two or even three by not charging you if you don't have a tenant seems to me to be a reasonable thing to expect from the man you are in love with and live with.
Take your safety net, that condo, and use it. Get back your independence for right now and take a long look at the true nature of the man you've moved in with. I'm not liking what I hear. How will he bill the children, when they arrive? :/
I think it's time to start asking the uncomfortable "what ifs" now. What if you or he got sick, got cancer, got laid off, got injured, had to move for the job, had a crisis of some kind? Get all that sorted out, THEN you can consider living together, when everyone knows what is expected of each other. Right now, you are busy disappointing one another. What a let-down on his part, boo hiss, sorry you get to experience his feet of clay.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): The answer here is simple. Take you living expence (your tenantless mortgage) and his living expences (his mortgage) add them together and split it down the middle, When you find a tennant the expence goes down...if he is unwilling to share equally..then you have bigger problems than finances..
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all for the responses. His reasoning for still charging me the "rent" while I'm paying my mortgage is because he shouldn't have to "pay for me to live" or "pay for my mortgage". Although am I not paying for his? I actually asked him that the other day and he replied "you live here and your condo is your own financial responsibility." I guess I just see it differently. We have often talked about marriage, kids, etc. and I feel that we need to be supportive with another in every aspect if that is the direction we are headed. Furthermore, I am now wondering how stressful it would be to plan a wedding with him, buy a house together, etc. He is completely protective over money - I could see myself getting screwed eventually. *sigh*
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (24 January 2011):
... and not one who nickel and dimes you for things they pick up out of the "goodness of their heart." Sounds pretty bogus to me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe've been together ten months. It's funny, because he was off work for a few months and had no issues with asking me for additional financial help. He hasn't lived with anyone in ten years therefore is very protective over his money and materials. Finances are a weekly issue with us. Right down to the penny. I'll pick him up a few items on my way home from work and won't ask for a dime; however, if he buys me a $15 bottle of wine, he is sure to ask me for reimbursement.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking for someone to "pay my way" in life. But it would be nice to know that I had a partner in my life that was willing to be lenient, compassionate and generous in times of financial crisis.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (24 January 2011):
hi
if he refuses to support you, you might as well move out and go back living in your own condo! why not ask him to 'compromise' with you and set a time limit on how much time he will let excuse you from paying him the usual amount? that way he can be sure that you will be doing your best to get a new tenant into your property. maybe he thinks if he is willing to look after your financial needs, you will get complacent and not make the effort to get your condo rented out.
it would be lovely if he would support you the way men are expected to support their woman, obviously he doesn't see your relationship in this sort of light yet. you don't say how long you have actually known him, are you as serious and committed as you thought you were? money can be a real test to relationships unfortunately
xx
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (24 January 2011):
I lean toward him being unreasonable here. It's not like you're on his mortgage. If he wants to be a jerk about it you could always move back into your place.
You should not have to pay to live at two places. Unless you signed a lease with your BF, you don't owe him squat. It's very nice that you've been contributing, and I'd expect that if you continued living with him, you'd still help with food and some other expenses, but rent too if you don't have a tennant in your place... That's going a little far.
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female
reader, Battista +, writes (24 January 2011):
How long have you been together? Do you see yourselves getting married in the future?
Would there be any way you could live in your own condo while you don't have a tenant?
This is a difficult situation- any money situations can be tricky. I see the position you are in, and I think you are being reasonable, however I guess I can also see it from his. It all boils down to how your bf views your financial situation when you don't have a tenant, and whether you can get him round to your way of thinking. That is why I wondered about you living in your own place for a while, so you wouldn't have to either a)live beyond your means or b) give your boyfriend less money than he wants which might breed some resentment on his part if he thinks he is the one in the right.
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A
female
reader, Cielito +, writes (24 January 2011):
 it sounds like your boyfriend is either very money conscious and likes to keep things equal between the two of you, or is getting more from the situation. why do you pay him 700 each month if he owns his house and you own yours? what was the agreement around it? it sounds like he could be in trouble with money, guessing but one possibility to explain his behavior. maybe ask him about it.
taking the situation at face value it seems unfair that if you need a little time to sort your house out and have to change the situation financially for a couple of months to support the fact you have no tenant. what would he do if you said you were officially living in your home and there fore you don't need to give him anything.
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