A
female
age
,
*crambled brain
writes:Hi Aunts, I know this is a very broad question but through your experiences do you think it's the person who's been cheated on or the one who's done the cheating that has more to come to terms with? My husband had a flirtation (which I believe did not become physical) with a woman from work ongoing for about a year and we are now trying to make our marriage work after I found out about it as we love each other dearly (this is true in spite of what you might think). I am finding it virtually impossible to forgive and forget and am in constant pain. The strange thing is that I sometimes think he might have more to come to terms with as he is feeling guilt, remorse, shame and devastation at what he's done to me. He will have to always live with the fact that he's hurt the person in the world that loves him most. You might think it's not comparable but I would imagine it's similar to the feelings of a person who's perhaps injured someone in a road accident and they have to live with it forever and blame themselves. I know it's not quite the same because you don't choose to hurt someone in an accident but I would imagine the feelings of remorse are similar. Don't get me wrong, I'm not feeling sorry for him after what he did to me. Perhaps I actually want to know that he's hurting as much or if not more than me. What opinions do you have through your experiences? Thanks
View related questions:
flirt Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2009): who is more devastated by an affair to cheater or the one cheated on - what a question.this has been proven time and time again- the cheater never feels any remorse. he/she actually trives on it. until he/she is caught. only when caught do they profess the whole guilt thing, they also love to shift blame and they make promises they know they cannot and will not keep. cheaters do not care about the pain/humiliation/turmoil/ they cause. it is all about them. they need to feel wanted/loved/lusted after. they feel it is their right to persue the unattainable. they play with their loved ones lives and they are hellbent on destroying anything and everything in their wake. oh, they also believe hey will not get caught. they are secretive, they actually trive on it. they also have the ability to make the cheated partner start doubting themselves. they strip their cheated partners of any self respect/self esteem/ securities. they lie and continue to lie until they are caught. they follow one ly with another, they are spineless, with no backbone. they just hurt and destroy all. they love to justify their cheating ways.they only feel guilty when they are caught out. cheater make a choice to turn to another person. they knowingly and purposefully conduct themselves with the other person. they have no conscious of their wrong deeds. this has been proven time and time agin. sadly it is the cheated spouse who starts questioning herself, just like you are now doing. fact - it is the cheated on partner who is driven to the point of despair, they question themselves, they face not only humiliation and pain, they have to face and continue to live with the cheater who acts like nothing has happened. he cheater speaks a few choice words to say sorry, shifts blame and gets away with it, util the next time, and the next. the vicious cysle never ends. it continues. why? because the cheated partner makes it so easy for the cheater to do as he/she pleases. please take off the blinkers and see your husband for what he is. he made a delibetrate choice, he choose to have this other woman in his life so so long. he choice and he lied, continuously of his affair. and he should admit to his worngdoing. this is the first step to reconciling, not him trying to now claim to be suffering more than you. he is not. please do not be fooled. he conducted himself contrary to that of a committed married man. he lied. continously. he tried to cover up those lies by more lies. and that speaks volumes. he cannot hurt more than you. he can make you perceive it as such. make no mistake- he is not "suffering", he is not remorseful. he is just remorseful that he has not covered his tracks even more. and such is the called life. just read the stories here of the devastation of affairs, whether it is physical or emitonal. these stories will clearly show you who suffers more. and that is no lie.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009): I cannot speak from experience but I can think this through in my head and provide you with what i come up with.
Cheater: (Only referring to those who are truely remorseful) Must deal with shame, guilt, and becoming a person that he/she did not intend to be or want to be. Must deal with being someone that if they were another, would down upen. In the case that the cheater is broken up with, must also deal with the mistrust that he will recieve in all other relationships after they have found out about his past. And should choose to lie when asked if he's ever cheated, he must then deal with that lie and the bottled up guilt of having both lied and cheated.
Cheatee.. if you will: Must deal with insecurities that will likely arise from the incident. Must deal with the trust issues that are likely to develop. Must found a way to refresh his/her outlook on the oppsosite sex and encourage him/herself that not every person will cheat. Must deal with the haetbreak of being cheated on and coming to terms with the fact that his/her relatinship was not as it was thought to be; that he/she was not bringing happiness, love, sex, etc. to his/her significant other, as it was thought. Must reexplore him/herself in hopes of discovering what exactly was done wrong and why it could not be saved.
Well.. after laying it all out like this.. it sounds like.. the one who cheated is more deserving of sorrow and although they prehaps they seem to share an equal burdon, the person who was cheated on faces deeper conflicts: is faced with the feeling that he/she must be repaired eventhough anyone could see, he/she did nothing wrong. Meanwhile, the cheater must also face that he/she needs to be repaired, but the fact is, that he/she brought it on him/herself, so is this really considered a burdon? I don't think the cheater is worthy of the term "hardship" as i believe hardship comes underservingly and despite the efforts that the subject of the hardship has made to help him/herself.
So basically: The cheated on.
~Sy.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009): I just read this to my wife and asked for her opinion. She said that she can understand why he did this and was just fulfilling a need that you were not supplying. I told her that I don't see a problem with what he was doing in light of the following facts that you state:
- He tried to continue to give you love, affection and desired sex and you did not respond to his needs.
- He had a long term flirtation with a woman at work which you believe did not get sexually physical.
Sorry, but neither my wife nor I consider this cheating. If he were boinking her then we would consider it cheating.
I just answered a question where the woman had a complaint of her husband no longer wanting sex. He had lost his libido and had ED. Some of the women who answered said that she should go out and find some guy to satisfy her sexual needs. Well, why don't I hear someone here saying that your hubby should go out and get his sexual and affection needs satisfied by someone else? No, I don't believe that he should go out and have a sexual affair any more than I believe that the women in that other question should have an affair with some other man. However, all people need some level of affection, either physical or mental. I do not blame a person, man or woman, for getting some psychological affection from someone else if their partner is unwilling to satisfy their needs after they try for some time. This story sounds like that to me. If it were him that did not give you any affection at all for a long period of time when you needed it then what would you say about this?
You said, "......he never stopped showing me affection and letting me know how he loved and fancied me but I didn't respond." Were you willing to talk to a doctor about your hormones and how they affect your libido and mood? Did you make any attempt at fulfilling his need for affection? If the answer is no then what did you expect? At least he did not sexually cheat on you. You should be thankful of that. If you are still not fulfilling his need for some level of affection then you can plan on him doing this again.
You also said, "He will have to always live with the fact that he's hurt the person in the world that loves him most." My wife said, "Well, you don't sound like you love him most. You sound like you are pushing him away." Note that this comes from a female point of view after hearing your entire story.
You said, "Perhaps I actually want to know that he's hurting as much or if not more than me." That is a natural reaction from someone who has been hurt, but it does nothing to solve a problem. The way to stop him from getting some level of affection somewhere else is to give him that affection yourself. Trying to get back at him will just drive him farther from you. Sorry, but that is the reality.
...............................
A
female
reader, alwaysreadyandwilling +, writes (22 July 2009):
 Got to be truthful and you wont like it. He wont stop,he will cover his tracks better. Cheats do it if they think they wont get caught. Expect more discoveries.
...............................
A
female
reader, scrambled brain +, writes (22 July 2009):
scrambled brain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo 'anonymous' who wrote on 22nd July. I REALLY appreciate what you said and you said some very wise things. Yes, you are right, the reason all this started because I was being very unloving due to the menopause (as you'll know if you read my origainal posts) and he never stopped showing me affection and letting me know how he loved and fancied me but I didn't respond.
One of the things that hurts very much is that he carried on texting her after I discovered the first time and by that time we were very much 'back together' again as I realised what I could have lost and it gave me the jolt I needed. This was all done in secret until he accidentally left some texts on his phone.
To make matters worse after the second discovery, he bought a secret pay as you go phone which I didn't rumble for another 8 months. He said that this was because he HAD to keep in touch with her over serious problems that needed sorting at work (this was actually true) but that there was no flirtiness to the texts. Obviously I have no proof of this and can't believe they stopped flirting when the phone was for her exclusive use.
So there's a lot more to it than you might have thought from this post if you were not following my story.
Thanks very much again and any more wise thoughts in the light of this would be appreciated.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2009): Sorry,ur trying to kid urself here. He`s mature enough to know that cheating hurts. i refuse to believe cheats and their excuses. They chose to. If you cant find what you want in your relationship,then get out.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2009): A car accident was not a decision. If you cheat,then you have made that CHOICE knowing the hurt it will cause. I believe if you CHOOSE to cheat,then your partner is worth better than that,you deserve to to be slung out to find someone you love enough that you would not cheat on. If you cheat you wont do it with a good chance you will be found out,because you think you`ll get away with it. I am a true believer in once,give them that chance if you can live with that. Twice,then get well shut of them. Excuses for cheating dont count,if someone drives you to it,then have the decency to end your relationship first.If you cant do that,then it means you are just used to them or using them for security. I cheated once,i was cheated on as far as i know once. A cheat feels nothing,just does not want to face the music. Sorry they are caught,not for the hurt they caused. You dont have to agree.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2009): well i was cheated on by my ex boyfriend, he showed no remorse and although he said he was sorry he clearly wasnt that bothered. so if you husband is showing these things then id say yes deffinately he is dealing with painful feelings.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2009): There is feeling guilty and there is also being sorry that you have been caught. There are those who blame the victim. Cheating isnt a mistake until caught and where quite happy to carry on. Its the cheated on who feel the pain. Cheats just dont want to hear it. If it happens again after being caught then its there forever. I know.
...............................
A
female
reader, MIzzCC19 +, writes (21 July 2009):
 I recently found that my boyfriend had had some flirtations with other girls over text but it also never turned physical. I found it very hard to trust him and sometimes still do.I couldn't believe it when I found out and it hurt like mad but I sat and talked to him about it and although I was still hurting I could see that he was full of genuine remorse, not that this makes what he did right. I know that my boyfriend was hurting alot with the thought that he could loose me and went to extremes to prove to me that he would never do it again. So yes I think that both parties involved hurt, but sometimes I still wonder if he is still at it, my trust is completely shattered and it is going to take alot to forgive him fully and trust him fully again, where as he is over it now and no longer lets it bother him.
...............................
|
