A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 5'4 and quite short. I generally date guys of 6' and have always been very drawn to tall dark haired men 5'11 and above. I have met someone who is really nice and we get in really well. I am finding it hard to adapt to the fact he is quite short with small hands which I find a turn off. I feel so bad about these feelings I have. I am not perfect. It just turns me off even though he is attractive in other ways and I fancy him in other ways. We have been together 2 months and I cant get past these negative feelings which I feel ashamed of. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 February 2014):
 You like what you like.
Most people have a "type", sometimes we try someone who doesn't quite fit the mold, sometimes it works, other times it doesn't. My husband is NOT my "usual" type, and I'm not his. Somehow we just work well together.
Just because he has MANY good qualities doesn't mean you HAVE to "suck it up" and keep trying.
I think when something KEEPS popping up as a dislike or a turn off, you need to listen to it. It won't go away.
I get that you don't want to be called shallow, because that might be how it makes you feel. But I don't think it's about being shallow. It's about having a preference.
I would not bring up what it is about him that turns you off, but I would tell him that you just don't feel the chemistry.
I turned down a guy because he was too hairy. I know body hair is natural and all, but this guy had more body hair on his shoulders/back then a gorilla and I just couldn't get past it. In a way, I was lucky that he invited me to come hang out at a beach volley tourney. He was otherwise a great guy but I couldn't get past the hair to actually date him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2014): Tisha1 Thanks that was what I needed to hear. Everything you said made perfect sense!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 February 2014):
 At 5'4" you are not "quite short," you are perfectly average for your country. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_height If we split the difference between 5'8" and 5'10' then he's just about average height as well.
If you can't find yourself being attracted to him because of his hands or because he isn't super tall then don't continue to date him.
I remember there was a perfectly nice handsome guy with a great sense of humor and who was funny, smart and considerate, I just couldn't find the spark of attraction for him because of his build. It just wasn't happening for me. He went on and found a lovely woman who suited him exactly and he's gone on to be successful and enjoy a wonderful life, and I wish him nothing but the best.
He just wasn't the guy for me.
I never told him he was built oddly for my tastes, I just told him that I didn't reciprocate his feelings and he was a true gentleman. He also gave me some of the best advice of my life, but that's another story.
Don't lead him on and don't beat yourself up about it. Let him go find the woman of his dreams and free yourself to find the man of yours. It'll happen if you are open to it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 February 2014):
 You have nothing to be ashamed of.
You have "a type" you prefer tall dark men... no crime there...
you are not criticizing him or his physical attributes. you are just saying they do not appeal to you... trust me they will appeal to someone else...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2014): We are fine with intimacy but his hands remind me of lobster claws. When we sit down his thighs are shorter than mine. H5es about 5'8 but says he is 5'10. He keeps telling me I'm gorgeous but I cant say it back
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (18 February 2014):
 How short is he exactly? I used to be the same as you, I'm 5"3 and typically only dated men over 6ft. However I then met my now fiance, he is 5"9 - short and stocky, definitely not my usual type. At first I wasnt sure I was attracted to him, we had a laugh and had fun but I didnt feel physically attracted to him. As time went on I found myself falling for him, his personality was so good, we laughed so much and I realised I couldnt imagine not seeing him anymore. As the mental side of the relationship developed I realised that I was starting to fancy him more, and it became clear we had a lot of chemistry in the bedroom so eventually I realised that I did fancy him and we've never looked back since.
So I'd say attraction can be a slow burner - yes there are some men out there who you'd think 'wow he's gorgeous' but then there are other men who need to wow you mentally before the physically attraction can develop. So dont write him off just yet, it may come with time.
Have you done anything with this man physically yet (i.e. in the bedroom)? I would say that whilst physical attraction can develop, sexual compatibility needs to be there from the first time you get intimate - with my fiance whilst I wasnt sure if I fancied him, the first time we had sex it was amazing and we really 'got' each other in the bedroom so that helped massively - if I didnt fancy him and the sex was bad then we wouldnt be together today.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 February 2014):
 But you don't " criticize " him, you just don't find him physically attractive. You don't say that there's something basically wrong with him, or that no other women will find him attractive. It just happens that you are not among those women who will.
It is what it is, it's not like you are doing it on purpose. You have done the right thing, you gave him a chance to see if his many great qualities help compensate for this initial lack of attraction, and / or if he could grow on you. Unluckily, it did not happen, and I would wait some more but not much more to see what develops- to avoid that " I am waiting to see if I get feelings for him and these feelings may make me warm up to him physically " turns into " I am stringing along a nice guy who could be a friend at most, and keeping him around for convenience until I chance into someone who's tall, dark and handsome ".
Not that you'd do it on purpose, but that's how in practice it would be going to be , if you don't make up your mind pretty soon.
Don't feel bad, and don't feel ashamed- you cant't start, or continue, being intimate with someone who actually turns you OFF, just to be politically correct and pride yourself in being an ... equal opportunity sex provider .
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