A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi allI'm not asking for niceness but I feel extremely low.I stupidly fell for a guy that was attached, we were good friends and he helped me through a lot of personal stuff, he was with a girl he bought a house with. He told everyone at work they weren't getting in and she was this that etc.We began working together a lot and he was paying me compliments very charming etc and sending me poems chatting to me for hours etc. I started falling for him and eventually we did kiss a few times.After that he became distant and cold and my confidence plummeted I didn't know what I'd done so I began calling and texting a lot.Last year he kept me at distance by text and would see me. Towards the end of last year he said my worrying and anxiety was getting too much and cut ties.I blamed myself and have tried 3 times since to see him at work and he's given me a final warning to stay away :(I feel like one of those creepy stalkers and I'm not Please help me forgive myself :(
View related questions:
at work, confidence, move on, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2014): Stop this beating yourself up now! You made a mistake and you are feeling sad, regretful and upset. It hurts. And to make it worse he's being horrible. Remove yourself from this bog of negativity. Take yourself away from it mentally and be kind to yourself. We have all done things we regret and feel mixed up about. That's life. We learn from it. Things will gradually get better.... Keep out of his way. He sounds selfish and cold.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2014): "I feel like one of those creepy stalkers and I'm not" sorry but you are.
You said you weren't asking for niceness so I'm not going to be nice, I'll be honest. You made some utterly dangerous decisions here, OP.
You can't stupidly fall for someone, it's not a choice so it's not something that can be deemed stupid. How you behave does though.
What was stupid was believing his "she's this and that" bullshit. You're old enough to know that it's utter bullshit for someone to talk bad about their partner, and it makes them a weak minded dickhead too.
All the others have been nice, gentle and are right in what they said. But you're too busy wallowing in self-pity, convinced you're some kind of sad loser to pay any attention to them, so I'll give you a slap in the face instead.
Snap out of it, OP. You're old enough not to act like a love sick teenager so you need to do that. You reek of desperation to the point where the guy has to give you a final warning. That's creepy and that's stalkerish and it doesn't come from a good place inside you but it certainly is not a reason for you to feel sorry for yourself either. Feeling sorry for yourself is what has made this whole mess happen, so it's not working out very well is it?
You need to face the fact you acted desperate and lonely; needy, clingy and overbearing but you're not a bad person.
You have an opportunity to learn from this, or you can just curl into a ball and let this keep getting the better of you.
You're not going to forgive yourself until you're sure you can stop being so weak. So take some time and think why you did those things.
I mean fuck sake OP, he asked you to leave him alone and you start trying to meet him in work. Do you know how scary that kind of stuff is? Do you know what would have happened a man who tried to do that? You're lucky equality doesn't exist yet, OP, because that kind of harassment is very illegal in the UK and taken very seriously when men do it. I'm not going to give you a pass because you're a woman and feeling emotional. You need to start acting with more honour and dignity, and you can't do that by lowering your self-worth so much. You need to regain your pride by moving the hell on and not having anything to do with the guy.
You need to take what has happened here seriously and you should consider getting help because I don't think you feel low because of how you've been behaving, I think the real focus of your sadness is that you can't continue stalking him because you will lose your job. You seem to be more sad about not being able to continue to stalk him because you're even in denial about stalking him. You feel that way because you were stalking him, OP.
You deserve a lot better than to treat yourself this way, OP. Why are you throwing away everything for a bit of cock that's not even available? Time to snap out of it, take some holiday time off work, go do something fun, create a distraction and seek the comfort of friends. Also you should really give a lot of thought to professional help, OP. There's reasons you acted this way and you need to fix them because you're on step away from losing your job and if he's like me he'll have you done for harassment. Don't fuck with a final warning, OP. It;s time to woman up, and get yourself back and if you've always been like this when it comes to men then you need serious help.
Seriously, sort this out, you stand to lose everything you've worked for because you refuse to leave the dreamland that is your fantasy relationship with this guy. He's not worth it and you deserve better from yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 February 2014):
 I forgive you for being lonely and making a bad choice of someone else's man.
I forgive you for being lonely and trying to see the good in a bad man (he lied and cheated on his gf with you)
I forgive you for being lonely and making the choice to want to be with a liar and a cheater.
I forgive you for being lonely and allowing a lying cheating man to manipulate you into making bad choices.
NOW... forgive yourself and if you need to get some professional counseling to figure out why you made the bad choices you made and how to NOT do it again, do it!
...............................
A
female
reader, wishfulsoul  +, writes (18 February 2014):
Hi, I think you shouldn't beat yourself up over this, you wasn't in this on your own, and in a way you could say he was more at fault because he's the one in a relationship.I think its hard when your at a low point in life, he might have been there for you, and you may have shared some intimate times with him, but it doesn't seem like he is reciprocating how you feel towards him, that's hard in its self.It seems to me though, that maybe you are getting mixed up in your emotions for him, and your emotions around how your feeling within yourself, especially when your low, you can take these comments he's making to you more harshly, and become hard on yourself, you should think about how your most confident and high self esteemed self would handle this situation, I'm sure it would say he is not worth it, why am I wasting my time.It sounds as if he was going through a rough patch in his relationship and just wanted a bit of fun, and you hoped for more, you really should move on from this, you should look at tomorrow as a new day, plan things you enjoy to take your mind off him, visit friends, family or exercise if need be. You could even consider looking for a new job if its getting to you that much, sometimes a change is for the best, especially if your in contact with him everyday. Just realise these things take time, you will feel low and disappointed if you really liked him, but in the long run it will get better, and believe it will, don't dwell on what could be, and don't beat yourself up. I've recently had my heart slightly broken, and my self esteem knocked out of me so I can relate a little to how your feeling, I feel like making plans helps me a bit, looking towards the future, being in contact with people who make you laugh and feel good about yourself helps too, sometimes the low feeling reappears but see it like a battle you need to over come, you don't want it to win.Well I hope it works out for you, and you eventually find happiness, your just better off with a single man next time :)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2014): Your emotions are stuck in a groove. Somehow you have to reboot your head. I think you just have to accept how things seem to have shaped up and just draw a line. Final. You are beating yourself up and making yourself look as if you are desperate. You made an error of judgement. So gather your strength. Don't contact him, or look out for him, zero, nothing. If you bump into him, just give a nod of acknowledgement but do not engage in conversation. You will regain you self worth once you feel in control of your life again.
...............................
A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (18 February 2014):
 You are human and we make mistakes. After all even God forgives us for our shortcomings. So I suggest you find a hobby or a friend, anything to keep busy and KEEP AWAY from this guy. You are on very very dangerous territory of becoming obsessive and yes a stalker.
He is not worth nor your tears. Move on, would you want a guy like him that is unfaithful?
Keeping busy and even joining a gym will focus your energy else where.
I don't think age matters when it comes to matters of the heart, so just put this down to a bad experience and move on.
When you want to text or phone , tell a friend how you feel , they will talk you out of contacting a man that has not respect for any woman and remember you deserve better.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 February 2014):
 Ok you have gotten 3 warning to stay away? Then that should be your priority TO STAY away.
The guy is a sleaze, He tried to see how far he could go with you and when he realized you WANTED more, it was over.
How do you forgive yourself? By realizing that you need to OWN your own behavior. YOU cheated with a taken guy. YOU knew he had a GF, but you still didn't walk away. (yes you two might not have had a physical affair but it surely was an emotional one).
Would you be OK with a BF cheating on you because you had trouble in your relationship?
You are OLD enough (36-40) to know it wasn't right from the get go. Yet you ignored those warning bells, because you liked the attention.
Ignore him, pretend he doesn't exist and look elsewhere then the work place for dates/guys to met.
...............................
|
