A
female
age
36-40,
*ightningrod247
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 2 years. We lived together at one time but he asked me to move out because he was too stressed out and claimed he didnt love me anymore. Well a few months later, like a sucker, I went back to him because he was claiming he knew he loved me now and wanted to get married, blah, blah, blah. Well now, we are back to living at separate residences, he doesnt tell me he loves me anymore, and when I asked him how he feels about me he says "havent decided yet" really? After two years you just "havent decided?"I got the flu this week and have been terribly sick. While he did drop off some soup and powerade when I wasnt actually here earlier in the week, he doesnt want to try and take care of me because he is too afraid he will get sick. I had a temperature of 101.4 the other night and started comtemplating calling an ambulance... I called him for help and he said he could come over if I felt like I REALLY needed him but he REALLY didnt want to be sick. He has called since then and asked me if I needed him to drop off anymore supplies but what I really wanted is someone here to watch after me. I've barely even been able to get out of bed!He claims that if he were sick he'd be able to handle it himself. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, lightningrod247 +, writes (14 February 2009):
lightningrod247 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFor Valentine's day I'm feeling quite a lot better. Im fighting off a cough and trying to get my appettite back. He dropped off some roses and went on to play video games at a friends house.
A
female
reader, lightningrod247 +, writes (14 February 2009):
lightningrod247 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for everyone that has posted advice. I guess i expect more out of him because there were times during this flu that I thought seriously about going to the hospital, and I did get scared living here by myself... being by myself... I did end up calling my mother - who has young children of her own to worry about without having to worry over her grown daughter.
I guess I was expecting more of him. I'm no longer quite as angry as I am disappointed. I mean, what if I didn't have my parents to call? What if we move away one day? OR have sick children? He's going to be pretty worthless. :(
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009): Nope, it isn't wrong to expect more from him, and it isn't wrong to expect the advice you get here to be from an aunt who shows her identity....we have some newbies and some people who just want to spit out their absolute hatred for men, and some who just feel passionately that you are being used.
The danger of advice columns is that more often than not if you write all about the negatives you are going to get a dump him response.
Since you all have been dating for two years you have quite a bit of time invested in this relationship, so I think telling you to dump him over the flu thing, and his I am not sure how I feel thing is a bit premature....because you love this guy.
I think rather than focusing on him and analyzing his behavior and trying to figure out if you are out of line, realize that it doesn't matter. The important thing is how YOU feel and what YOU want for your life and your overall satisfaction with this relationship.
Frankly, a lot of people are really afraid of the flu. The flu or upper respiratory illnesses have been really bad this year in my state at least. A lot of people have had it turn into pneumonia. I myself had it a couple of months ago and I was down for the count for a month, worst stuff I ever had, I had to take steroid shots twice, antibiotics, and a shot of antibiotics. After the flu symptoms subsided I had to deal with asthma that had been under control for years....had to get some inhalers...
So I can understand his fear of getting sick no matter how much he loved you. I think he showed concern for you by calling checking up on you, bringing you soup and asking if you needed more supplies. Now did you say you were too weak to get out of bed when you called him to come over, or did you just resent him quietly. Does he know if you have family you can call, or another less fearful friend? Did he think you would tell him you needed to go to the hospital if you did?
If you feel that his concern was not matching the gravity of what you relayed to him on the telephone and he refused to come help you, then absolutely, yes this is a wake up call that he is self centered and doesn't care about you that much. And then you have a decision to either accept things how they are, to leave or to focus less on him and more on you and focus on your own goals for your life. After all it isn't your job to change him, he is probably too old too change much....So you have the right to have a healthy reciprocal relationship, what ever that looks like for you.
Two years is a fair amount of time to date someone, but did he really say he doesn't know how he feels about you, or how he feels about the commitment of marriage? If it truly is that he doesn't know how he feels about you, ask him what he means and what issues he is having.
Usually, with men, these issues have to do with their own internal battles, but sometimes they will use something about you to make up an excuse to break up with you.
We as women in relationships have to set our own boundaries early on in the realtionship. If you accepted early on his self centered ways, then it is going to be hard now to change that. We do teach people how to treat us, and it is your responsibility to speak up and tell him how you feel, but their is an effective way to do that and a non effective way to do that.
Just remember that you should not shy away from conflict that is the wrong thing to do. But arguing is a way of dealing with a conflict. What all arguments have in common is that neither side feels they have been heard. So it is possible to have conflict and not argue, but it is impossible to argue and not have conflict.
So instead of acting out your feelings of frustration and anger and try to make a point with your fellow, instead first make a statement that you know he had concern for you as he brought you soup, but that it hurt your feelings that he did not rush to your bedside and stay with you when you called.
He will respond most likely in a somewhat defensive manner, so agree with his defensive statement, like saying I know you did care, it's just that when you did not take my request for you to come over because I really felt terribly sick, it just made me feel bad, like you did not love me or something, that's all.
And by agreeing with his defensive statement, he will have thought you understood him and his intentions, and that will allow him to hear how he has hurt you.
And then watch to see if his attitude towards you shifts or if he makes it up to you in some small way down the road.
I wish you all the luck in your decision, and I hope you are over that nasty flu.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009): Oh! just dump that narcissistic/egocentric/insecure/don'tknowwhat hewants/idiot already! If you had better self esteem you'd understand how low your dignity is right now. I'm assuming your parents never taught you to love yourself (maybe because they didn't love themselves neither)I'm so sorry for you. I know you must feel terrible. But slowly you'll regain your strength. Don't you have at least one friend you can count on? You better start bonding with your neighbors and co-workers so you would have someone to count on besides your partner. Although I'm hoping you to have better judgement next time and chose someone that knows how much you are worth and is there for you for better or worse.
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A
female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (12 February 2009):
 Is he aware that marriage means in sickness and in health? Simple. He hasnt decided because he is very into himself, there may not be room for you. I'm sure you want a man that cares deeply about you, perhaps he is not it. If this is true, would you be okay with wasting another 2 years of your life on someone who isn't "the one"? I wouldn't waste 2 more days with someome who wasnt "the one", however, not everybody believes that a perfect partner exist. I believe there is someone for everyone, I married my perfect partner, and 2 years later feel the same way about him.
I hope you feel better! Sleep, sleep sleep. Perfect remedy for an incurable flu. Hang in there, it will beover soon. Lots of love and aloha!
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A
male
reader, Jager  +, writes (12 February 2009):
HA!If he were sick then he would be complaining twice as much. I see that your im USA well over here we have something called MAN FLU its basically when a man get a cold same thing as a girl he just complains more. but the bottom line here is this sorry love but get rid of him. He is screwing you about you should do something about it. im sure you not a stupid girl but you will look more and more like one if you dont get rid of him.you can do better tell him to get over him self and its over. Dont say anything else if he really wants you he will make an effort to come and see you and try and sort things out. Play hard to get make him work for it thats if your really want him at all which you shouldn't because he dont deserve you.
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A
female
reader, Quiet.Kisses  +, writes (12 February 2009):
 If after two years he does not n=know how he feels about you then he never will and it isn't fair for him to keep you on a line like this. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who wants you, not someone who only wants you when its convenient for them. You have to really think about the time and effort your putting into this and see if its something thats worth continuing. You deserve to get just as much as you give, a relationship never works if its one sided he needs to contribute as well. Try asking him how he really feels about things and tell him if he can't decide then you can't be with him. You've invested 2 years, how much more time are you willing to give someone who doesn't show you the same respect?
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A
female
reader, lightningrod247 +, writes (12 February 2009):
lightningrod247 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSry, forgot to ask the question - Shouldnt a long term boyfriend want to take care of me? I mean friends can bring you powerade is it wrong for me to expect more from him?
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