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writes: Not another question about porn!?I'm looking for some specific advice on here, and I can't seem to find anything else online specific to what I'm dealing with.I've been dating my guy for two years now, and I'm pretty sure we're going to end up getting married after finishing the whole college thing and life stops being so volital and changing so fast. Some fast facts: I'm 23, had multiple b/f's (some long term, some not) and he's 29 and has had one very long term relationship (they broke up after he wasn't ready to get married at 22/23 after graduating for the first time - she wouldn't wait a few years for him to get his career together to be sure that he could provide for her and broke up with him) and a few other committed relationships.Needless to say, we both have had our experience with commitment and long term dynamics of a relationship. I'm a control freak and have always felt more comfortable having the upper hand in relationships, but get too drained of taking care of everybody and having to be the responsible voice of reason. This is one reason I love him because he is responsible, sincere, caring, trustworthy and so many others!We have learned a great deal from each other. I've learned that it's ok to trust someone else with control, but it's something that I still struggle with. In my view, the most important things that he has learned is that couples can make love AND have sex sometimes, as long as there's both. (Again, not everything that we have learned from each other, just the things that pertain to this question.)So - he got in the habit of looking at porn every night after he was single for 3+ years. I think the first experience was when he was discovering it at 13/15 with his buddies or something. When we first got together we had a lot of sex and he would look at porn anywhere from 2-4 times a week. When the honeymoon phase ended and our sex frequency dwindled, I started feeling like I was 'missing out' on an opportunity to have sex if he was 'wasting' it on jacking off to porn. This is when we would have sex anywhere from once a week to 3 to 4 times a week. I've had a huge problem with this in this relationship but never any other. He's cut back soooo much for me - I'd say that he probably looks at it twice a month or so, and not always to jack off, whether it's because he didn't have time, told me he wouldn't, or he just wanted to ‘see somethin’ necked’.He's always said that porn is something that he will not look at after he's married because that's the respect he will give his wife. He says 'it's just something you don't do after you're married’. He also says that it isn't even in the same category as sex and doesn't mean anything. You can’t compare the two to him. He doesn't look at anything containing weird fetishes and the stuff that turns him on about it is very simplistic, generic and harmless. In the 15+ years since he was first exposed to porn he hasn't developed any desensitization to the things that first turned him on, and he hasn't progressed into looking into things that are more and more hardcore. I know he's not addicted because of his actions about it. It doesn't interrupt his life and he doesn't prefer it to me - although there are times where he doesn't want sex but could look at porn and jack off - something I think just has to do with his level of stress, how tired he is or how lazy he's feeling.So finally: my question. For those of you that understand what I'm talking about with needing a sense of control and submitting (like him agreeing not to do it because I don't want him to and don't like it) what do I tell myself and how do I get the logical part of my brain to speak to the emotional part of my soul? I want to not care about it because I've tried to find any reason to argue that it's something he shouldn't be doing, but I can't. He doesn't prefer it over me, he's not addicted to it, and it's something that he can 'take or leave' in his words. I know it's something that he still does only because he feels like he still has a right to because he's not married. He wants to move deeper emotionally into our relationship, and every time he tries I basically ask him 'ok where's the sex?' He gets frustrated because he thinks that I can't be emotionally connected without following through with sex. He thinks that all I think about is sex. It's become a challenge to me to see how many times I can get it from him. Not because I want it, but because of my own self-esteem issues. I want to show him that I can be in our relationship on a deeper level that is pure love. Love that doesn't involve sex.How do I stop analyzing how many times we have sex, why we might not and what caused it, etc? How do I give him the greatest gift of submission I can and 'just be' with him? How do I quit worrying if this week that he's looked at porn? I know in the long run it doesn't matter. How do you get a control freak to let go? He’s given me so much and constantly gives. How can I give him this? He deserves it. I’m just afraid if I give him more opportunities to do it and don’t care if he does it or not that he will do it more frequently. What if it affects our relationship sexually? And how would I even know and be able to blame it on the fact that he’s looking at porn more if he is? It probably won’t, and I won’t know if I don’t try, but I’m scared.We both believe that saying ‘I do’ does not change anything over night. When we get engaged it’s because we want to get married and he won’t be looking at porn anymore because you don’t change things when you say ‘I do’, you just add a legality and a piece of paper, and a commitment that you will always be together. I have to give this relationship more emotionally and open up to him the deepest way I can before we can even get to that stage, and I feel like this is holding me back.
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female
reader, HereAreMyTwoCents  +, writes (8 October 2009):
 Ok, you've admitted you are a control freak, so my advice to you, based on that and the entire tone of your post, is that you sound like you could really benefit from a visit to a relaxation spa. Calm down, girl! If he's not cheating on you, just chill out and relax and enjoy life, you only get to go through it once, and no one ever said it has to be perfect, because that is first and foremost impossible. The porn: if it's not wrong before marriage, it's not wrong after marriage. That's the only logical way to look at it. The sex: You need to stop worrying about how many times a week you have sex together, it's not a competition! You said, and I quote "This is one reason I love him because he is responsible, sincere, caring, trustworthy and so many others!" Well, there's your cue to chill out and stop worrying. You are very very lucky to have a guy who fits this description, and you need to take that fact and use it to let go of some of the stresses and burdens that you allow to plague your mind. Again, I think your main problem is you need to learn to relax about your life in general, and stop obsessing over things like: Is there an inverse correlation between my boyfriend's porn habits and our sexual frequency? Hey, what if as you get older him watching more porn makes it that you guys have MORE sex? I mean there are so many different ways to look at it, that the point is just stop worrying about it.
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female
reader, goodwoman  +, writes (8 October 2009):
You actually want to marry this guy? You need to read what you wrote because if this was your girl friend telling you this you would be asking the same question I am. Your need to control is deeply rooted. May I suggest you work on this first? Why do you feel this need? This has to deal with trust. Do you trust this guy? When do you you think he's going to give up the porn....he's been doing it since 15, almost 15 years. There's a lot of if's and maybe's in your relationship. Being married is much more than just the sex....and if you marry and you find him with porn, then what? Rethink what you are doing with your life before you join yourself to someone.
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