A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok so I've had this boyfriend for 2 years. We broke up on 2 occasions throughout this time, 1x cuz he wanted "a break" but then went out with someone else n lied to me about it. I decided things deserve a second chance so we went back out. We started fighting alot about 6months ago so we took a "mutual break" n agreed we wouldnt see other ppl or anything like that. I snooped on his computer n found he had messaged 4 girls, including his ex. and asked them out for coffee/dinner etc. It did not look platonic at all n I confronted him about it n he said they were just friends n his ex he was just messing with her head apparently to get her back for when she dumped him. I still didnt believe it but I was like ok fine whatever.Right now we are together n one of my friends just txted me saying at his group placement (for psychology/social work) where they work with kids n have leaders of these groups, that there is a huge rumour going around that he was hitting on one of the leaders last night. I could see if 1 person said that maybe it was misinterpreted, but the whole placement is now talking about it.I confronted him about it an hour ago in person, he started laughing and got this weird, almost like forced look on his face and was like "wow that is so stupid" he wanted to know which leader they said he was hitting on, I havent been able to get a name yet from my friend. He went on for a few minutes talking about how its ridiculous cuz there are guy and girl leaders n how he treats them the same. The way he acts around girls i find to be too much. He comes across as a flirt n I told him that n he said he would stop that. When he saw how confused I was n he could see that I was actually thinking this might be true...he got defensive rreally fast. He took my phone n called my friend, she didnt answer. Then he was like "well if u want to believe them then go ahead i really dont care" and then he left and slammed the door.I dont know who to believe...I never have trusted him 100% since the 1st incident we had, so i always have doubt. the last 6 months he's been trying so hard to be good, he takes initiative to do anything for me, likes me to come out w/ his family n friends, asked me to marry him and presented a ring (i said no tho cuz i am not ready for that...i'm only 20, he is 25)So basically...any opinions of who you think is telling the truth or if theres a way to help me decide or pointers to help me stop going crazy over all this? Thanks
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female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (8 October 2009):
 You know he probably figures he can get away with this because he may feel he has you wrapped round his little finger and in actuality he probably does.
You get what you allow to happen really. This is his personality, you know what he is like and capable of so I dont know why you are surprised or even hurt. He can only do what you allow him to get away with and he has tested you and knows you will forgive his infractions.
By all means, if you want to stay in this relationship you have to become realistic and realize these are always going to be things to contend with. He may indeed do good and wonderful things, but he also has no trust from you. I think that tips the scales for the basis of this relationship.
HonningKanin
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2009): Simple: people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. There are guys that won't act like this and something like this would never be a problem. Without trust in a relationship there's nothing to build on, and trust is earned - not given. He's already broken your trust and hasn't earned it back (and it takes a different amount of time for different people to earn that back). Trust your instincts. If you think there's something going on and there isn't, then the worst thing you can do is be vengeful and mean to him. Always remember that you are responsible for your own actions, and the actions of others are not any excuse for your own. On the other hand, if you think there's something going on and there is, then no harm done. Just remember to handle everything with class and dignity. Always remember that you deserve someone that is transparent in their actions and intentions, and if this person doesn't give you that (from the interaction you described above he isn't) then there is going to be someone who will. Don't let him convince you otherwise.
Here's a question you need to ask yourself: is the anxiety and worry of the 'what if?' with this guy worth what he gives/makes you feel? Every relationship has its problems, but a problem of trust is something that takes a lot of work.
Him asking you to marry him really throws a red flag for me. He can't even respect the fact that you're still young, enjoying life and learning about the world. Good for you for saying 'I'm not ready yet!'. Someone that you can grow with, learn with, discover with, and trust is something that isn't replaceable and is something that you will always yearn for if you don't have it. If he doesn't give you that then I say it's not worth it. But that's just my personal opinion.
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