A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys I would like some advice please. Every guy I am interested in, sadly has a colorful past. Way too much for my taste. I have tried different environents even at church! And those men still have secrets that you can't imagine! Anyway, I still got hope in finding a man about my age who hasn't played the field because I haven't done any of that either. If not virgin, at least decent enough to have sex only in a relationship and get tested with me and show me he is clean. Please, do not suggest looking in religious places as I have tried that and it didn't work... thanks... Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (22 November 2010):
 All right, poster, off I go.
For your sake, however, I will say this much. If you're right and am wrong, or, if yours is a perfectly valid choice, then everything is OK. But what happens to YOU if I am right?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2010): you're right OP. it's your choice and anyone who doesn't like it has a problem, not you. i am a man still looking for a woman with those qualities you mentioned and there is plenty of people like us. don't give up. i am still looking too. good day!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDanielepew - Since my first message wasn't posted. I will post this again. My opinion is obviously not yours. And what you say will NOT affect the way I feel. So please, refrain from making fun and take your promiscuous thoughts away from this post. I don't know why my message didn't get posted but your out of place and mocking post did.
I am entitled to my opinion and nothing you say is going to change that. Can't cope with it? Then you can't help me. Good bye
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (21 November 2010):
Just for the sake of making your point clear, dear poster: even if I play jokes on you, I would like you to take due note that "promiscuous" is not the same as "undefiled". What you want is a virgin, because, in your books, "virginity" is the same as "decency".
It's good that you kept yourself "undefiled". Just don't expect the world to reward you for it. You were free not to have sex, you didn't, and that's it. That doesn't give you a right to expect an "undefiled" man.
A person who has had sex with several partners might perfectly well NOT be the person who has "meaningless sex". This person might also perfectly well NOT be a player. A virgin might perfectly well be a little wicked player who has not had sex because s/he's a hypocrite and wants to remain "undefiled" in practice, though in principle s/he's as undefiled as they come. Pun intended.
You keep making "virginity" the same as "decency".
Apparently you think that sex outside of marriage is "meaningless". That's just not true.
I think you need to check your assumptions against real life.
The sad thing for you is, you might perfectly well waste your life away looking for a man who does not exist. Very nice men might come your way but, oops, you will not even consider a relationship with them because they did not remain "undefiled".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): i think your values are wonderful, but the type of guy your looking for might be hard to find, girls like your self are also rare now days. i wouldnt limit my self to certain places looking for these guys, your guy could be anywhere, just as you could be anywhere when you meet him. it sounds like your anxious to get involved in a relationship, but if you want to really find a guy like this, your going to have to be more patient. hes rare, and he wont have it on his written on his forehead, so just keep in open mind and dont judge guys until you know them, it works the other way too.. some guys who go to church even have secrets. just as some guys who are close to or are virgins could be at the bar for a night. where ever he is, hes probably looking for you too.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): I want to take your side and support your preference. But I cannot say too much because Dearcupid keeps dropping any comment I make that defends a preference for chastity too much.
This happens on other questions too. I'm not a preachy religious nut about it but I strongly believe people have the right to prefer a non-promiscuous partner.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didn't say having sex is bad, but I am not willing to take any man who has played the field. There might be someone out there who is willing to be with those guys but not me. I have taken good care of myself just to end up with a player or an ex-player. Is that what you would like for your loved ones? Is that what you want for yourself? To end up with someone who can have meaningless sex without any regrets? Oh yes, it's a matter of preference, people. THAT'S NOT MY PREFERENCE.
Anyway, I have tried meeting people online and they lied so much, when I figured out the truth after being hooked up for several months, it was just horrible!
Society is twisted. Some things are just way over board. Promiscuity is the norm! Ha!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): Just because you've had sex doesn't mean your a bad person. If anything it seems like your either trying to climb up a moral high horse to justify your choice if being an old virgin or you are actually being so picky you are trying not to find a man.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): As funny as Danielepew's post was...and damn was it funny - I believe your definition of decent is fine. I'm a 20 year old male. I'm a virgin who hasn't "played the field" and I've been looking for a female that has the same values I do. I'll probably be looking until I'm your age, and I have no doubt somebody out there is your age and still looking, as surely as I will be. As to where you can find such people I'm not quite sure. They aren't like unicorns though, so you can be sure they exist somewhere. Did you ever try internet dating websites?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 November 2010):
 Well, you could look at a Star Trek convention! :D
Heh...just kidding. I'm a Trekkie myself and proud of it! They just get the 40 yr old virgin stereotype going on, and I personally think that Patrick Stewart is a major hottie!
Seriously though, if you're asking the question about where to find a decent guy, you're going about it backwards. Instead of looking for the perfect guy, concentrate on being the perfect girl. I find that one has much more success in finding quality people when they're focusing on becoming the best qualities that they're looking for in a mate.
I think the proper wording is "Be the change you wish to see."
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): I am a decent guy without a shady past but im taken. I met my gf volunteering and cleaning up the environment. You could always try clubs. Not dance clubs but like a group of some sort that stands for something.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): Congratulations! Three decades on this planet and no sex? I hate to break it to you, but if you are somewhere between 30 and 35 and still a virgin then you're the exception, not the rule. The odds of finding a guy your age with little or no sexual experience are small, and if you do happen to find one there is probably a reason for that, i.e. he's completely withdrawn socially or he's not sure he's actually attracted to women, but afraid to try things out with guys because he's been brought up believing it's "wrong." For example, you understand--I don't mean to generalize.
People are not their past actions, although that past may have shaped them. The guys you have been attracted to, only to find them "lacking" because of their past history with other women, *have* the qualities that attracted you BECAUSE of the particular combination of life experiences that shaped them. Including sex with other women, if they had it.
You blame your inability to find a partner on their past actions, which you condemn and judge. Like Danielepew, I'm going to go out on a limb and say the problem is you. You're too picky.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (20 November 2010):
Oh My God! If you want a decent man, don't look for one at church, for Christ's sake! Don't you know that Satan the Devil is devilishly interested in making those good sheep leave the fold? And that he succeeds? That not all those who call him "O My Lord, O My Lord" shall enter the Kingdom?
Holy Cow! Your definition of "decent" means "undefiled by a woman". That is certainly not a definition of "decent", you know? Now that you tell me that you want a man about your age who hasn't "played the field", I am reminded of the (perhaps bad) joke that says that Catholics kneel before a bust of the Virgin because she seems to be the only one around!
A decent man is not the one who hasn't slept with anyone or "played the field", much in the same way that you can't say that a woman is "indecent" just because she has had sex. You need to review that belief of yours.
I don't think there is a place where only the Just gather. And I don't it is possible to claim 100% purity, with the possible exception of syringes and their labels of "sterile and pyrogen-free".
Also, I wonder if the definition of decent is "AIDS-free". I can picture a faithful man being infected with AIDS by his, er, "defiled" wife who went partying late at night when he was working somewhere for that big company of his.
I pray that you will get off that cloud and become less exacting.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): there are several parts to my answer.
Never look for a man in a bar or where there is excessive drinking of alcohol. And never look where it appears that there are lots of tarty women or some apparent use of illicit drugs. I also would not look at car races, rodeo, horse races, big sporting matches in progress as the men are too absorbed in the game.
Also don't look at work. And wherever you have looked in the past has not worked so perhaps avoid those places too.
But before you start you need to do an analysis of what you have to offer a partner. So SWOT (strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, threats) analysis of you. Your looks, job, outlook, how positive or negative you are, your living situation, your finances, your strengths, the deficits you need to work on, how long since you gave your hair and make up a makeover? How long since you assessed if your clothes are presenting the right message?
Do you need to start attending the gym regularly. Do you have any especially attractive qualities? Capitalise in them. because like it or not you are a product, and men are very focused on visual attractiveness, how confidently we walk. How we talk. A bundle of insecurities is not attracrive. A less attractive women can often attract a man who finds something unique about the woman he likes, especially if she has a very positive outlook.
The next stage is for you to create your list and criteria of your ideal man. What must be present or must not be present. What maybe you might accept. And what you will not accept under any circumstances. Once you think this out you will be able to quickly assess and qualify your ideal man. You will be able to say no, nicely, as soon as the man does not even come close to your criteria even before you start. This is not a visual assessment.
Girls look at character, values, outlook, attitudes, motivations, directions in life far more than men realise.
So we may reject an adonis because he's arrogant.
Your SWOT analysis needs to identify what are essentials and what are deal breakers. Weaknesses for me would include a man who spent unwisely, was heavilly in debt, who gambles, drinks alcohol excessively or takes illicit drugs. My criteria included a need for 'a man who is respectful and caring to his family and has a good relationship with his mother, though not that close that he's a mommy's boy', and 'a man respected by his peers' because a man not respected by his peers is a man i want no part of. A man living in a community for an extended time, yet without any male friends is a man who has flaws that others have noticed. Life with a loner would be boring.
I do not know how you 'present' but are you too focused on attracting a man and not enough on developing you as a fully functioning multi involved in altruistic or caring activities that attract like minded people. Your own life should be so multi faceted to LOOK for a man. Because you are so busy enjoying your life and your activities. That way you will find nice men are attracted to you. But you need then to qualify them against your criteria of what represents the most syitable man for you. You need to CHOOSE who you invite into your life if they meet your criteria.
How to make your life more multi faceted?
. Get some rewarding interests of your own that are wholesome and rewarding.doing voluntary work in the community, in a mixed group learning public speaking, in a group doing something uplifting to improve the environment. Attend a course where men might be, like wood carving, or a group that paints pictures as amateurs. These are all things that keep you busy, keep you in touch with wholesome good people.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): Maybe past isn't as important as you think it is. Maybe you should think about the person they are NOW rather than were
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (20 November 2010):
 Have you tried joining a coed adult sport's league... like softball, kickball, or bowling? Don't worry... you don't have to be good at the sport to join. You will meet a lot of new friends that way and possibly find someone you click with. The friends you meet may know some great single guys that you might like!
Have you tried online dating sites? It's amazing how many people meet online these days. If I were single... I would definitely join some dating sites. What do you have to lose? Go for it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): Oh pick me lol! Haha Im no catch but I am somewhat inexperienced :/ anyway, yeah you wouldnt find me in a club bar or even church! I was at home more than 75% of the time cause I got tired of looking lol. I was pretty furious with some things in the states. Have your friends or family hook you up...they know you best so they could try to match make. I honestly wish I shoulda done that!
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A
male
reader, GermanMan +, writes (20 November 2010):
try the internet. Their are many online dating sites where you are matched with people who match your interests. It may seem odd to do this, but i have been in a great relationship with my girlfriend for a year and a half now. We met online.
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