A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How can I be there for my girlfriend without being smothering?I'm having trouble, I want to be supportive, Loving, caring, sensitive, and kind to my girlfriend. I Love her very much and I also like doting on her. I like giving her attention and I would drop everything to go be with her.I'm afraid though, that I could easily be TOO available to her, and that she either won't respect or appreciate that, or worse, that she will feel like I am being weak. I have a job, I have work friends, I have hobbies, I have friends I hang out with to enjoy those hobbies, I volunteer, I play sports... But I still want to make her my number 1 thing. I don't want to IGNORE those other parts of my life, but I'm old fashioned in that I'd like to have her as my top priority. My question is this, where does one draw the line between romantic super boyfriend and needy co-dependant? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't flake, I keep my promises that I make. I just like to give 100% to whatever is my focus at the moment. When I am with my guys than I don't talk about what I'm doing with my GF (unless they ask) I don't text her or check my facebook.
At the same time, when I am with the GF I don't call my buddies to see what's up or fret about where the next poker night will be. I split my time accordingly. I have lots in my life that keeps my busy most of the time.
I do not feel that I have a self esteem issue. I am very fulfilled by my work (I work with special needs kids) I have friends that I keep up with regularly and friends that I grew up with that are like brothers to me. I get along great with my co-workers and periodically do social things with them. My life is complete, and my identity is secure. I don't actually NEED her for anything... other than companionship and Love, and I realize she isn't the only girl in the world.
About her: She is very similar to me in that she has a full life, she has a fancy job, is very smart and social as well. She makes a little more money than me, but I got plenty enough to fund a life. she is kind of on the independent side and I think she would split immediately if I tried to be controlling. But I'm not interested in that, I'm fine with the way she gets things done. My way isn't the only way, my way isn't the right way, it's just my way, and I never judge others for "their way".
I DO want this relationship to last, I am ok with giving space, I am ok with being supportive. I actually fear it is as one of the anonymous answers said "If she is not compatibile with you in that sense, then it wont work out no matter how much you fret and agonize over "how you should treat her.""
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): It doesnt really matter how you act, as long as you are true to your values and yourself. If she doesnt like that, then your relationship is doomed to fail anyway, no drama, just the way it is. You have to find someone compatibile with the way you NATURALLY want to treat a girl. If she is not compatibile with you in that sense, then it wont work out no matter how much you fret and agonize over "how you should treat her."The way you treat a girl will also change with the girl. So just because you "want to make her your number 1", you may find yourself in a future relationship that is more relaxed, but still as wonderful and satisfying. I smothered a girl with affection and tried to "be there for her" and be super close, but the girl was not that type. I was being true to my values in how I wanted and did treat her, but it was doomed and it failed.Subsequently, I dated a girl and I didnt feel that strong need to be super affectionate or loving/caring/sensitive, and guess what, the relationship went amazingly well for a long time, it was just timing and it was perfect. I just acted like my normal self and treated her the way I felt I should at the time, and she was receptive to that particular style of relating, AT THAT TIME. Its all about timing, two souls coming together from the ether and colliding at the right time and place, and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt.
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A
male
reader, oneguy +, writes (10 February 2011):
 Be there always for your girl and she whines how unmanly, immature and possessive you are. Be absent for a moment and she starts doubting you, getting emotional and hyper suspicious.Don't get me wrong - I've never had a girlfriend - the above is my observation from the thousands of questions and complaints I've read on various agony aunt and related websites!Moral of the story - don't have a girlfriend, you'll be miserable. Have a girlfriend, you'll still be miserable.Amen!Relax bud I was just screwin' with ya ^-^ Congratulations on having a girlfriend! :) Just love her buddy, love her a lot and love her purely. You don't have to be anyone, just be your loving self. Always keep her best interests in your heart. Then see the magic. Even your fights will be loving. Cheers!Best,
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (10 February 2011):
Hi there. That's great that you have your own friends, hobbies, etc. That's important.
Keep them as a high priority - it's essential to your happiness and wellbeing.
Because you say "co-dependent", I'm guessing that you do live together, which means you're together a lot.
There's nothing wrong in being doting, just so long as you don't overdo it.
If you want to do everything for her, even things she could do for herself, it could come across as being controlling. I really don't think that you want that.
There are better ways to show you love and appreciate her. Take her to nice places, a picnic sometimes, a nice restaurant. When you both get home from work, maybe you could cook her a meal once a week. You could give her a shoulder massage. Bring her a nice glass of wine while she's relaxing and you are cooking dinner. The only limit is your imagination.
There is a difference between helping someone do a few things around the house, and wanting to do everything for them and almost telling them how and when to do things. This oversteps the line and starts to become controlling behaviour. Something that might start to become smothering for her. She might then start to take a step backwards from you - or leave.
I'm a little concerned by the term your no. 1 priority.
This is unhealthy, because you then start to put her needs before your own.
Your needs are just as important as hers, and should not be put on the backburner just to be with her and in a relationship.
You are both equal.
Before long, if you put her needs before yours, you will start to feel very unhappy and like you are the only one doing all the giving. Then there is a great imbalance.
That's when resentment sets in. If you are the only one doing all the giving, you are denying her the chance and pleasure, of giving to you. If you do everything, what's left for her to do?
You do want this relationship to last, don't you?
I really suggest, you don't do quite so much. Yes, still do some things, but not every single little thing - it's just not necessary.
Another point you may not have thought of, is when you dote on someone, it goes from being a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, to a parent/child relationship.
Is this what you want?
You are treating her as if you were her father!
You need to treat her as an equal. She is fit and well like you, treat her like a girlfriend.
Let her do things for you, and you do SOME things for her - but not ALL things. Only some things.
As with everything in life, there needs to be balance.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (10 February 2011):
 When in doubt, err on the side of not being available enough. Better to have that air of detachment than to smother her.
The operative part of that sentence is "when in doubt." If you know what you're doing, be as supportive as you like.
Honestly, though, old-fashioned wouldn't mean she was your top priority. It would mean she is a helpmeet toward your own goal to make your mark on this world. Honestly, I think most women are happier that way. The best way not to smother her is to make her a part of your life, and your vision for the future, rather than having her be that future. She can be the wind in your sails, but you have to be the rudder (wish I could remember who said that to me).
So don't drop everything to be with her if what you're doing is important and what she's doing is trivial. Don't dote on her too much. It's not that I believe she doesn't deserve your full effort (she certainly does, it's the only way to make love work), but in recognition of the fact that choosing to remain somewhat aloof can take more work for some guys than doting - and in recognition of the fact that I really believe she'll be happier if you're still an independent man, one who could walk away but chooses not to.
Hopefully that all makes sense. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): Girls want guys that honour commitments and have good job habits. When you drop everything it is unattractive b/c it looks immature. Don't play hookie from work, keep your commitment to your sports team by going to practicing, and don't flake out on volunteer work. No one wants a boyfriend others consider a flake, not loyal to his team, and has no friends b/c he's always flaking on them. Too available can mean no direction in life and dropping everything means a person that doesn't take commitments to others seriously.
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