A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I met a guy about a year ago. I liked him immediately and it was clear that there was a spark between us but he has a girlfriend. I see him out socially and we have mutual friends so I am regularly in his contact.A few weeks ago one of our mutual friends told him that I liked him. He asked me to meet him the next night to talk about it. I agreed but then decided not to go - because he has a girlfriend I didn't see any point in discussing it. A couple of weeks passed by and when I next saw him out he caught me on my own and he told me that he liked me too and that he had done for sometime. I was surprised but happy. We ended up kissing but nothing more.Another week passed by and I saw him out again and again we found ourselves on our own. He again told me that he liked me and I asked him if he was happy with his girlfriend. He said in some ways yes but not in all. I told him that I wasn't interested in being a bit on the side and that I didn't want to be the cause of the end of their relationship. He walked me home that night and although he didn't state that he would leave his girlfriend he made it very clear that if he were single he would be with me. We kissed again but we were both explicit in that nothing more should happen between us physically.A few days later I saw him out again. He told me that he was still with his girlfriend although he hadn't seen her for over a week. I told him that we should just forget about the kisses and put it down to a Christmas thing. He said that wasn't what he wanted to do and that I was worrying too much. What does this mean? He's clearly not happy in his relationship (other friends have confirmed this) yet he hasn't broken it off yet. They have been together for two years. I'm really unsure what he wants from me. He clearly isn't looking just for sex as he has had three opportunities to try it on. I think he does like me but wouldn't he have left his girlfriend straight away if that was the case? I've given him a chance to forget about it and put it behind us but he didn't want that either. I'm really confused by his behaviour and want to know where I stand with him. Every time I bring it up he tells me I think too much and reassures me he likes me. What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): At your age you should know the answer. Is your life so uneventful that this takes up your thought? He wants a bit on the side so if thats what you want go for it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): You don't want to be the bit on the side but you still don't stop the kissing. You don't want to be the reason for breaking up his relatioship but you have not discouraged him from being with you? Don't you see, you say you don't want any of these things but you are letting them happen. Why? Because you like him obviously and you are happy enough to kiss him and let him be with you knowing full well he is in a relationship with someone. I wouldn't worry about where he stands, I would worry about where you stand in this...What kind of values do you have as a person (honestly)? Once you work that out, it doesn't really matter where he stands because he has to make that decision himself. If you don't want to be the other woman, don't be...he can decide from there whether you are someone to pursue a relationship with or not. If he decides not to pursue you then in this situation you have done the right thing based on your values but obviously "lost him". Bare in mind though that you never had him. If he chooses to pursue you after you back off then great, you know he pursued you because he obviously has genuine feelings for you. IF he DOESN'T then be grateful you didn't involve yourself with hurting another person because of the value you place on honesty, commitment and relationships. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (7 January 2011):
 I am in agreement with Follicle up to this point:
Don't let him decide where you stand- YOU pick where you stand. All the BS aside lets look at the cold hard facts
1. He has a girlfriend
2. he is kissing you.
I would add
3. It doesn't look like he will leave the girlfriend.
So, tell him he's taken and that's it And move on.
One more thing. It doesn't matter how bad he is. If YOU let him continue to make moves at you, you're as guilty as he is, and you won't have grounds to complain whatever happens later.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): I am in a very similar situation and it's important to recognize that he stands more to lose. He says he's happy (though not completely) with his girlfriend but whilst he knows that he likes you (and obviously respects you as he doesn't want you to be really worried that you should feel guilty that he's attracted to you), he is simply scared of making a decision which could be wrong and hurt all parties involved. He doesn't want to stop kissing you because it's his way of testing how right it feels with you - he is obviously torn at this point. And he doesn't just want sex because he knows that it's deeper than that. He doesn't want to make a decision - who would in his position? He stands to lose his girlfriend and another woman he cares deeply about. So he's happy in letting fate decide by keeping his options open a little. In the meantime, he doesn't want you to think too much about him and get hurt if he stays with his girlfriend. It's his way of saying that you shouldn't be stalling on him, go and pursue your own happiness, with or without him.
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A
female
reader, Nonamus  +, writes (7 January 2011):
Sometimes it takes awhile to break up with someone, especially if things aren't terrible.
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A
female
reader, Lilmisshelpline +, writes (7 January 2011):
It may be a case tht this not does have some feelings for his girlfriend because he has been with her for 2years and he feels like he does not just want to drop her and get with another girl and an he is trying to find the correct way to finish with his girlfriend without hurting her too much. In my opinion from what you have said he is a sweet, down to earth lad who isn't out to hurt anyone. Good luck! X
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): Don't do anything....He has gf...what do you expect?? If they have some issues..that is their bussines...Leave him alone..you think he is a good guy bec he talked to you and he kissed you...no he is not. He is not a serious person.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): Don't let him decide where you stand- YOU pick where you stand. All the BS aside lets look at the cold hard facts
1. He has a girlfriend
2. he is kissing you.
These facts suggest that this man is a cheater and yes you are right, if he didnt like his gf and thought he had feelings for you, he should have left her and asked you out properly. But no, he keeps catching you on your own and coming on to you. Sounds like he wants a bit on the side, whether he admits it or not. So to him, thats where you stand: a potential mistress.
Where you SHOULD stand is well away from him. Avoid this man, break off any contact and if you do bump into him do not engage in any serious talk. Seriously, this man has trouble written all over him.
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