Where did my beautiful loving wife go?

A male age 51-59, *indsight2020 writes:

My wife and I have 3 boys and have been married for 8 years. This year just after our anniversary my wife began an affair. She had become increasingly distant, and I finally asked her what was going on after 6 weeks without intimacy. She flatly told me she was tired of my behavior, that we were too different, and she wasn't sure she wanted to be married. She denied there being anyone else. I'll make a long story short. I found out about the affair, and it turned out to be a 22 year old married guy with a wife and kid of his own. She also has an ongoing close friendship with a 43 year old guy. Anyway, I've never cheated but left her feeling unfulfilled apparently. She never told me this instead confiding in her older friend who she swears is just a friend. Even if so I feel like he stole my wifes innermost trust from me and they still text 100 times a day. The affair is over from the day I found out supposedly. Here's my question. I still love my wife very very much, but she's not here for me. In counseling the other day she said she doesn't want to work on the marriage. She then went to the older man friend and didnt come home until 2:30 am leaving me w the kids. When she got home she swore up and down the relationship w him is platonic and he's even supportive of her working it out with me. I dont know why she'd care at this point what I thought. Anyway, whenever I try to talk to her she shuts down, goes to bed, gets frustrated or mad, or all of the above. Ive become a huge doormat. I've always provided for my kids, been there through thick and thin, and now I'm suddenly a completely selfish jerk according to her for not taking all this lying down. She's completely self absorbed without an ounce of compassion for me, instead focusing on her business and her vanity. She looks great, and takes pleasure showing me photos of her she took during the affair, for him. I put away laundry the other day and seeing all the naughty undies she obviously didn't wear for me sent me over the edge. This was before the session where she disclosed wanting to stop trying. That night we were talking which means I was talking and she was avoiding. She took a Valium of her moms during a break in the conv and got all sleepy. She was laying with her legs over me on the couch, and I was absolutely starving for her. It had been almost 2 months for me since any intimate contact. I started kissing her, she kissed back and I thought it was on. She had her eyes closed and was very lethargic but I was on fire with desire. Without all the details I undressed her and did the deed. She never said no, never protested, but when it was done in about 5 seconds, she just lay there. I realized to my horror she was in some kind of drug sleep. I put her clothes on and asked if she wanted to come into bed. She walked over with me half holding her up and she crashed immediately once in bed. It was a sleepless night for me wondering what I'd done. The next morning she kissed me off to work, but later that day unleashed hell on me saying she remembered everything. It was horrible and has been since. This was the dealbreaker for the marriage she says. I've tried and tried to convince her I wasnt date raping her, and that while I know it was poor judgement and taking advantage I was desperate and only wanted to be close. This is the truth, I've played it over and over in my head, and it didn't even occur to me I was forcing her at the time. She won't hear it. So basically I'm a pig and everything she's done is justified. I would never hurt her intentionally like that. She's a completely different woman from 2 months ago. She loved me then, now I'm just a pathetic angry selfish sad man sleeping on the couch. I want my wife back and nothing I can do or say seems to effect her at all. It's as though everything and anything takes precidence over me. It's cordial between us, she wants to go to Tx to dissolve the marriage gracefully, but I can't accept this. I never got to even try! I would do anything to give her what she needs and move forward, but I'm helpless. I know the thing to do is move out but my boys ... I can't leave them. I'm terrified and devatated at her indifference to me. How could this happen? How can a spouse just tap out like that?? How? I know this us scattered but please I need help dealing and accepting this. All my instincts scream to hang tight and suffer through this "phase" but its clearly done. How the Hell do I get through this?? Where did my beautiful kind loving wife go?

View related questions: a break, affair, anniversary, kissing, older man, text

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