A
female
age
51-59,
*ngirl1965
writes:I've been dating a man for over two years. We went into this relationship saying that we didn't want anything serious but over time I have fallen in love with him and care a lot about him. I expressed my feelings to him a few weeks ago only to have him tell me he doesn't feel that way towards me. He also brought up the discussion we had over two years ago about not getting serious about one another. I told him I didn't plan to fall in love but it happened after two years together. Now he treats me differently and doesn't call or text me as often as before. I am having such a hard time with him telling me that. I may not be the best catch but I own my home and earn a good living. He stills lives at home with his mother and has no assets except for a car that he still owes for. We're both in our forties, I've been married, he has not. He stays at my house over the weekend but goes home Sunday afternoon. I have asked him to stay over during the week but he doesn't. Why do I tolerate this behavior from him? I always vowed that I would never let a man treat me badly. My ex-husband treated me awesome but that was ruined when he fell victim to crystal meth. After twenty years of marriage that abruptly ended. I feel like I need to move on but hate the thought of starting another relationship. Are there any men out there that's not like him? I feel like I should just give up dating all together.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2010): seems to me you are attracted to the fixer uppers.I think if you spent as much time fixing yourself up instead of them you would be OK.These guys have addictive dysfunctional lives i hope you can see that.
I have learned the only person you can control is yourself.People (men)are all flawed in different ways. Giving yourself permission to set boundaries so their dysfunction won't directly hurt you will make the difference.Know that the people make free choices in life that can affect others.I wouldn't choose a child molester to baby sit my kids.I wouldn't choose a drug addict or mommas boy to be in a relationship.I know this sounds harsh you need to raise the bar or live the single life.I believe if you exercise, eat right, treat your body well, be healthy more quality men would be attracted to you. They are out there, they are just not attracted to you at this point.Be a better deal find a better deal
A
female
reader, tngirl1965 +, writes (27 May 2010):
tngirl1965 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank each one of you for your comments. You could only imagine the hurt I felt when I heard the way he felt about me. Not to say that he didn't tell me that he cared about me but he has been honest as one reader stated. I definitely don't prefer him lying to me. He tells me that things feel different between us now. I told him that if I could take that moment back I would have never told him I fell in love with him. Since this has happened, it's seems he is putting distance between us. He doesn't text or call as much as he used to. I've ask him what he expects from this relationship and he says he just likes things the way they were. He also added that if I wanted to see him more like during the week, I should let me move in with me. I told him that wouldn't be a good idea since we're not seeing eye to eye right now. I know I need to break it off but I swear you guys, I absolutely hate the thought of getting to know someone again. That one reason I'm where I am right now. Thanks for responding, I just need to vent the feelings and get feedback. It's harder to do with people that know the both of us. I appreciate the comments and criticism.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2010): He told you the truth all along and you are not happy about it now. So I guess that means you want him to have lied to you for a while at first? Is that what makes a "good man"?
Okay, let's be serious. I know you don't really want him to have lied to you. And you do not like what has really happened either, where he has been truthful but never fully attached to you.
I think what is REALLY going on is that your feelings about him and the situation gradually grew & changed over these couple of years. Now you want him to have felt exactly like you did through these couple of years and grown in the same direction at the same time.
I don't think this is very fair of you. If he had gradually come to feel differently during these few years and you had not, I don't think you would be viewing the situation the same way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2010): Being fall in love with someone is suck. Try to avoid, easy to say. But hard to follow. Keep your heart out of this U will be always winner. But I still can't try.
Please try to enjoy your life as much as you can, and with your lover.LIFE is too short. We don't have much time to deal with all the sadness things.
Take care of urself and your heart always.
Love,
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2010): i understand how you feel, your story reminds me a lot of mine. i was also hooking up with a guy for 6 months, telling myself that i wouldnt fall for him. but we cant help it right? one day i woke up and realized that he was only in it for himself and was only using me. as hard as it was, i cut him out of my life. he tried to get me back but i think even he knew that i deserved someone better. so my advice to you is RUN and dont look back! i know its hard, seeing as how you love him. but think about it. can you honestly see a good future with this guy? i mean he still lives with his mommy and you're a successful independent woman :) i know they are tough to find but there ARE good men out there. you just dont see them because you are wasting your time and energy on this loser. trust me, leaving that guy was the best decision i ever made and since then, i've been with many nice guys who treated me like a princess. i am sure you will find someone better but you can only do so if you get rid of this guy. best of luck to you! xx
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A
female
reader, iiSparkle  +, writes (26 May 2010):
 Unlike the previous two comments, i understand how you must feel. I know that you didn't want anything serious, but i mean its not your fault that you fell in love with this guy, i mean its not surprising considering the fact that you have been together for 2years.
I understand why he says the things he does, maybe hes insecure about himself, maybe he needs a confidence boost and something to get his mind off the things that may be distracting him. You could try all your best to save this relationship you have with him but at the end of the day, its always going to be up to him.
If things do not go well for you both, then well you cant do anything than to move on really, there isn't much point in staying with someone who doesn't feel the same way.
I know it must be hard to move on, but you have to try to look for someone who appreciates you and someone looking for a long term partner.
Hope this helps
Best of Luck :) x
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A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (26 May 2010):
 Honestly, this sounds like the old "friends with benefits" thing. I'd say you definitely have an uncommitted man on your hands.
If you both agreed two yrs ago that it was nothing serious, I'd say he's upheld his end of the agreement. Problem is, you didn't. So here we are having this discussion. My question to you is: why didn't you?
I'm not certain that your issue is based upon the lack of availability of "good" men. Rather from what you say here it's more accurately: why can't I get this guy to do or be something he already told me he wouldn't do or be?
If he's living in his mom's basement with his pet snake Rodney, and he's in his forties, still paying off his first car. my best advice to you is to find a grown up man who isn't commitment-impaired up front.
He told you he wasn't playing it this real two years ago and you agreed. Did you think he didn't mean what he said?
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A
female
reader, Accountable +, writes (26 May 2010):
 I think the problem here is that you explicitly stated that you didnt want anything serious... so clearly your u-turn when telling him that you did was not something he was prepared for, and apparently not something he feels inclined to consider.
I'd move on from him, since he clearly doesn't want a serious relationship, and next time just let things happen as they happen; don't try to pre-determine at the start of the relationship whether it will become serious or not! It sounds to me like you are a catch - selfsufficient, self-respecting, and generous, so I'm sure it won't be difficult for you to find someone who is ready for a committed relationship, and appreciates all of that.
Good luck :)
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