A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:When does a parent stop supporting their grown children? I asked a question earlier and was surprised by one of responses.Is it ok to support a grown child in her twenties, let her live with you whenever she feels like it, take up the only other br in the home so when your minor child from another relationship comes over he has to sleep and share bed with dad. Also is it ok to pay for this Grown Child's car payment every month while they work for only 10 to 15 hours a week in a dead-end, easy job, not wanting to go to college or skills school to better themselves? And to tell your minor Child you're broke all the time while all your extra money is going to support your grown child and that's why daddy can't do this or pay for that. Just curious what people think.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011): Hi again
Thanks for the reply, at least you can be grateful that your son can already see the traits in her that make her so self centred and so will not become like her, you are raising a sensible lad!
She needs to be told by her Dad that behaving like a teen while in your twenties is inexcusable. Ask her what she wants to be doing in. 5 years time, give her examples like certain careers, having holidays abroad, save up for a house etc.. And anything she agrees with tell her will not happen if she doesnt start to look for a full time job. Another tactic to get her off her butt could be some gentle encouragement like telling her "oh you'd be so good at such and such job" or "well have you see thought of doing this because you'd be really good at that" if you think she'd take no notice of you then as her Dad to try! Best of luck with her, but be super proud of your son he sounds like he will go far x
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo "I'm here to help". She is not my bio daughter. She is the daughter of my sons father whom I have been involved with for 13 years. He is older than me by 13 years.In response to xlaurenx I wish you were my "stepdaughter" as you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and she is only slightly older than you.The funny thing is she doesn't really care for me much and over the years I have witnessed her dad give in to her every whim as she was exerting her independence as a teen when she started experimenting with this weird punkish crowd who were into groups like nine inch nails and smoking pot. She controls daddy and has even told him (excuse my French) but to fuck off a time or two.I agree with comments such as if your kids are struggling, laid off from work well of course your going to help them. Growing up with European parents they were a big support to us. But here's the difference we were going to college, working part time. Not sitting on our lazy asses, stuffing our faces with food while on the computer all day. She is very lazy, narcissistic and self centered.It really is sad when my sons father cancels plans with him cuss "daddy is broke."The one good thing I guess is my son has no respect for his half sisters lazy ways and doesn't want to grow up like her or doesn't even enjoy her presence.
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male
reader, lakers_lover09 +, writes (12 December 2011):
Allow me to help. In my family, once u graduate high school u get three options. U get a job/pay some bills, go to college and live at home, or u get out and be an adult. Its is totally find to help support them (im 21 in college but I live home with my dad) but they need to take care of themselves. I pay for my car, books, student loans etc. simliar to the mama bird, ur babywill always be a baby if u dnt push her out of her nest and force her to spread her wings and fly. U dnt have to abandon her or even kick her out, but u should try gradually givin her more responsibity and autonomy. Good luck
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (11 December 2011):
 I come from a region where parents definitely pay a lot more of their grown children's expenses, and where they definitely don't want their children to leave or take responsibility for themselves. It is called "control", really, but that's another matter. I am just saying this as a disclaimer of where I come from.
I think it is OK to let your grown up child live at home. He may have had bad luck, or is out of a job, or whatever, and certainly it would be mean of you if he had to sleep in a shelter or under a bridge when daddy has a place where he can stay.
Now, paying for his car is another matter. You can make sure that he won't starve or sleep under a bridge (like I said), but you don't have to give him a car. And what you're doing is certainly unfair to the other child.
So, your older child can stay with you and eat your food, but you won't pay for his car. If all of his problems are solved by daddy, then he will never solve them himself.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (11 December 2011):
 It really depends on the situation. If a kid is in the kind of situation where they were fired, just out of college, had to leave their job for whatever reason, then I think it's ok for maybe a year tops while they get back on their feet. Same with situations where maybe they are in a good job that just doesn't pay enough for housing but will someday lead somewhere good (say an unpaid or low paid internship). But just living at home for convenience sakes with no intention of trying to find their own place and get a better job, that's not really OK.
If they have a comfortable cushy life at home without job demands or bills, what motivation is there for them to make their lives more difficult? If that's the situation your child is in, you need to set a deadline (the average person takes 6 months to find a job) for them to get out and mean it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2011): Hi!
Now I am 22 and I see this going on with some of my friends. I do not agree at all with parents giving their children hand outs once they are old enough to be working. The people I know who are financiallly supported by their parents sometimes show the most selfish traits as they do not have any idea of real life.
You want your child to work more than 10 hours a week, then cancel their car payments and tell them they have to pay. If thy kick up a fuss tell them that some people their age are not only capable of paying for their own car, but also saved up for a deposit and are buying their own house. No handouts, ever.
If it carries on as it is they will never say to stop, why would they when they are having an easy life? You have to make the decision to tell them that you can not afford to keep doing this. If they want that car then hey make the payments otherwise they hand it over to you because while you pay it's your car. I know it sounds harsh but they are old enough to know better. Even at 18 I wouldn't have asked my mum to pay for my car, I was considerate enough to realise perhaps she had bills of her own without worrying about mine!
I genuinely get annoyed when I hear about people who are my age who are so selfish they don't spare their parents a second thought when it comes to money.
My advice to make them see sense is to sit them down and tell them you need to talk as adults. Explain that while you will always be there should they need a roof over their heads, if they want to be there they need to contribute towards the rent, food, bills such as heating, water etc... Because while they are there the extra person makes bills go up. If they are not happy with this sit down and show them how much more they would be paying if they wanted to move out. Treat them as an adult, if they have laundry then they do it, if they want food and you have eaten then they find themselves something. If they sulk, argue, disagree then remind them that they are not a minor, but you still have a minor to support and cannot afford to do both. If they complain they can't afford it then they need to find extra work. 15 hours a week?! I have worked longer in one day. Yes the economy is hard but jobs are still around. I had to work as a carer for a year because I left a stressful accounting position but there was always work as a carer. In a week I would work 60-90 hours and I was 21. It is possible there are no excuses you just have to put aside your pride and be willing to do a days hard work.
I was able to do that job because I knew I would soon be studying for a degree and while working I volunteered to get experience in the area I was going on to study. Now I am studying I am no longer carer but work 3 jobs and 45 hours a week in order to support myself.
While they are your child and you love them love isnt shown through financially supporting them. Emotionally always be there and if they are desperate and need to come home or they want to come home to save a bit for their future then tell them the doors always open for them but now is the time they start standing in their own two feet.
Best of luck! X
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