A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have grown apart. When we are together traveling (which we do frequently) or even staying in my country we get along great. We spend time together and have dates, watch movies, exercise together, make love and generally get along wonderfully. When we spend time(months) in his country its completely different. HE ignores me almost completely. He spends all his time with family and friends and is angry when I feel lonely and antisocial. I cant speak his language well but I am trying to learn. I sit through countless activities with friends and family in silence and not understanding a word and he is upset that I have become depressed and feel out of place. He yells at me that its my fault I haven't learned the language enough and tried harder to fit in. He is a different person. He stops wanting to spend any time with me alone. He goes out with friends and leaves me all day and into the night. I have no transportation and cant speak the language well enough to connect with new people. I am in his way here, a complete afterthought. I feel I have made a huge mistake marrying him. I would never want him to give up his family and culture. I just feel I could never fit in his country and I wouldn't want to be married to him if we lived here. we will continue to spend part of the year here, every year and the thought has become terrifying to me as it is associated with loneliness and heartache. I loved him so much but I feel myself starting to hate him. we have no children yet but we were talking about having one in the next few years when we were in better times. He isn't the same man I married but he blames me for everything. My fault for not knowing the language and not trying to fit in. We have been together for 11 years since I was a teenager. He is the love of my life and I have given up basically everything to be with him. I don't know what to do. I cant imagine life without him, but I am crumbling inside from the situation. I really feel like I am disappearing.
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (8 September 2014):
 Be strong and don't let cultural moras split up a good thing.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 September 2014):
 Culture clash. I am sorry if I sound unempathic, as a matter of fact I DO understand that you feel lonely, disappointed and frustrated, but, I think you have been naive or rush not taking this side of things into account, not weighing well the impact it was going to have. OF COURSE if you had met him in his country you would not have married him !, because there they go by rules and habits which are not what you have grown up with and that feel extraneous and wrong to you. But there , certain behaviours, au contraire, are normal, acceptable and desirable in fact- habits , customs and traditions are not immutable, they do change and are changing- but it's a matter of centuries, or decades at least , while you want a change overnight.
Example to try and explain what I mean. Random ,because I don't know what culture is your husband from, but I guess it's a male dominated , close-knit society where family ties and people's opinion are very important, so I guess my example will do.
In my hometown there are tons of North African Muslim immigrants, and all in all, they are very well integrated . HERE, they do not behave much differently from our local guys ( except for not sharing with them a passion for ham and sausages ). Most of them are young single males, so when they come here, not having women to serve them, they get organized, they shop, cook, clean, tidy up, keep house in , generally, an efficient, orderly way. Do you think that one of them would as much as make himself coffee when they go home for the holidays ? No they don't- first they have scores of moms, wives, sisters, aunts etc. to dance attendance around them, second they would be everybody's laughingstock, it would be unmanly, ridicolous,"gay", a real man does not wash his own underwear !
Or, here they will flaunt their miniskirted Gfs and take graciously a compliment : " Wow, your wife has got mile long legs ! " elicits an amused, smug smile. THERE... you do not LET your wife show her legs, because if she should get a similar comment... then you have to beat the guy to a pulp and make him an enemy for life.
The husband / bf is the same, his ideas and feelings about you too- what is not the same is his social behaviour which goes throgh a sudden switch, a necessary social adjustment, not making which would cost him much stress, embarassment, awkwardness and loss of face.
Ditto for outings with family , or alone. Some society aren't very couple oriented, more FAMILY oriented, if you do stuff you do it all together, that's the way it is. And,if you've got free time, a night out or something, you are not expected to spend it home romancing your wife. Nor, she is welcome to tag along at an all male venue, of course. Social life is centered around the wishes and conveniences of males first, and of family second- one-on-one with your SO ,and romantic dates tend to fade very very much in the background.
In short, I suppose your husband is simply doing what his brothers, BILS, cousins, friends do normally there and you want him to be an innovator and a social reformer- when he only wants to spend his time there in peace and quiet without making waves and becoming the tale of his town.
Again, pardon me for sounding not understanding, and again, I do realize yours is a delicate, uncomfortable situation, and one that frankly I would not envy... but, I can't help wondering : didn't you know that ? didn't you sort of expect it / figure it out ? Did you know anything at all about life in his country / culture before getting together ?
Now, something tells me that you won't like my advice, but, - if you can't beat them, join them. If staying home when your husband travels is not an option ( I suppose it is not, if he spends MONTHS there )- DO learn the language. make an effort, try harder, study. It makes a heck of a lot of a difference being a sort of a deaf - mute visitor who can't but get bored to tears, or, instead, mastering the local language, which allows you to get closer to people, take an interest in them and their doings and maybe get to LIKE them ; you can make your own friends, become more independent, and less of a burden for the people around you. You can enjoy the company which you have ( even if you'd still prefer yout husband 's ), find things to do and learn there. Otherwise it's going to be .. the torture that it is , and makes your husband totally responsible 24 / 7 for your physical and emotional wellbeing, which, believe me, is a heavy load of responsibility for anybody.Some languages are more difficult than others- yet none is unlearnable. Think of how many Western businessmen, executives and entrepteneurs nowadays move to China to work and live there ! and somehow they manage to get at least a basic knowledge of the language ( even if they can speak English for business ) exactly because if you speak a little of the local language .. it's all another life.
So, take out those books and Cds and start studying...
Oth, another thing you and your husband should do is compromise, and that's best arranged when you are in YOUR country, rather than moaning and moping once you are there. Tell him that you understand that once he is there he has certain obligations, and you respect that, but- specific example here of what you want to see happening : like, that he spends at least two nights at home with you,- or, rather than dining with in laws every night, once a night you two go out for dinner alone.
Start small and gradual, he is able to make changes if he wants, but probably not a social revolution all by himself !
Said that- there are places and cultures and lifestyles, that, with the utmost flexibility from us, are just incompatible with our essence and desires,- and , if that happens, it's best to be brave, accept it and part ways.
If you have been born and raised as a true Canadian- and all of a sudden you find yourself expected to live as veiled concubine in a sultan's harem... well, that's not for everybody and you SHOULD call it quits.
But first, - try your best and your best includes learning the language ! for yourself , not to please him !
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies  +, writes (8 September 2014):
 where is he from?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2014): I am sorry you are hurting, but your post is missing some information that might help understand your situation. First have you asked him about the reason why he acts differently in his own country? I think you should let him know how much you love him and how much you like to spend time with him, regardless of where you both are !!How come you spend months in his country? from what you wrote it doesn't sound like vacation, am I right? but that is beside the point. You have known him for 11 years, so he grow up in Canada, right? how come his family members don't speak English to be able to communicate with you? Why it has to be you to blame for lack of communication !! This is not fair. I am sure you don't mind learning their language but that will take time, right?I am afraid in some cultures you are not masculine enough if you sit at home and spend time with your wife, as a man he wants to show his friends and family he hasn't changed by marrying in a different culture. I am sure he loves you too but he seems to be torn between two cultures. You need to talk to him if you haven't before it's too late and kids are involved. Good luck and all the best.
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