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male
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anonymous
writes: Im 21 and i've been with my partner for just over 4 years now. We've been together since we were 17 and i think we have a good relationship, but i feel very unattracted to her now. when we 1st got together she was a size 10-12 now she is a size 16+ and i cant enjoy sex with her as much as i used to. she has the most disgusting fat belly and its all im starting to see when i look at her. I wont leave her because of this. i no she is the one, i have tried to suggest diets, exercise classes and offer my 100% support but she is unwilling to do anything to help herself. She cant stay away from the cakes and chocolates it makes me sick. I dont no what to do i've had many serious talks with her but they have had no effect. Now i find myself looking for a more attractive partner.i dont want her to have a perfect body just one i find attractive. am i being too harsh? wot should i do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the anonymous lady, she knows who i mean. i just want to apologise 4 my comments b4. there was no need, i just got wound up by ur comment and i tried 2 get u back. but im not a trouble maker and i just wanted some advice, but thank you 4 ur help. i too am a peaceful person but can loose my temper at times. Im sure u are very beautiful a size 14 is not at all big. peace 2 u 2.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2006): My boyfriend diddnt leave me we are still together now and maybe I dont know you, I just diddnt like your comment or that you called your G.F disusing! but you know what Im a peaceful person I am not here to put anyone down if they choose to think that way.
I supose your right your question was just full of controversy and hit a nerve with some "fat women" as you so nicely put it and maybe one mans fat is another mans beauiful but I am hardly obese.
Im a size 14 now and Im very happy cos Im still losing so maybe I shouldent care what you think I was just telling you what experiences I had to help you learn a lesson I am glad you have made the right decision with your girlfriend by not telling her! I wish you and her all the happiness in the world and I truly mean this and I will not "burn in hell" cos Im a nice person but Im sorry if my comment affended you that much I think I just got a bit too enthouaistic Peace to you anyway x
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who replied to my problems your answers have all been helpful. I can tell i have had replies from some fat women but thats good, coz i no how she'd feel if i told her this. I mean how do you tell someone you've been with for 4 years, you find their weight unattractive in a nice way? you just cant so i'll keep it to myself and encourage her to be more active. P.S my girlfriend is not depressed im sure of that she just likes food. but thanks again. and to the person who called me a Ego driven little Boy! can go and burn in hell because they dont no me. Not my fault your overweight too and your boyfriend left you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2006): HA HA! Oh I am detemend to have the last word now! I wrote in ages ago about this saying Im a pretty curvy size 14 Ok other anonamous "curvy" size 8 Agony aunt you could never understand to be fair what heartache it brings to be overweight unless you've been there too ok your lucky cos your a size 8 "whoo go you"lol but you cannot say a size 16s not healtey if they exercise and eat healthey Im not saying his girl shouldent do this but she shouldent do it for a man who calls her discusting she should do it for her
My B.f Met me when when I was I size 18 and Ive gone down to a size 14 during the three years naturally though gym dance and healthey balenced diet! whe've been together 3 yrs with him telling me I was beauiful and he loved me no matter what size I was. It was me who decided to lose weight for me cos we live in a thin world full of size 8's she will decide to lose weight for her not for a disaproving boyfriend!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2006): i don't understand why you are getting such cruel comments. first off the average woman is not size 16 it's more like 10-12. secondly, it's unhealthy. It is physically unhealthy to be that weight, and a lot of people eat b/c they are upset, depressed, bored. maybe you could talk to her by bringing up concerns about-- how she's been feeling? and i can understand how you are feeling ... you're still attracted to the girl you met, but she's changed. i mean it's like finding out someone you're dating is an alcoholic, except this is a case of a food-oholic. and it's not like you started out dating a girl that was a size zero, she was alredy a size 12 to begin with ... so i don't think you're shallow at all. and just for the record i am not model thin or eating disordered. i am a happy, healthy, curvy size 8. and you can definitely be heavier than that and still be healthy, but sudden fluctuations in weight are not healthy
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reader, amerthyst0202  +, writes (13 October 2006):
 big is beautiful so they say beauty comes from within if your so shallow minded to think she isn't sexy any more think again your mind has been brained washed by the models of today's cat walk the average woman is size 16 some would say over weight some would say Fat beauty is in the eyes the beholder open your eyes and see her for the beauty she is. she will loose weight if she so chooses
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2006): This is making you sound really big headed dont you already belive her weight is getting her down she wouldent be big if she was happy with you mate you sound so cruel the way you talk about her "DISUSITING FAT BELLY" even if you've said nothing to her she can see your disaproving looks shes not stupid, look in the mirror mate are you perfect well I can tell your hearts not you've got a lot to learn your shallow Im just glad my man is'nt like you Im not a thin ill looking girl Im a preety curvy size 14 and Im fitter then some of the skinnier girls and my man thinks I am stunning! Anyway if you want perfection leave your girl alone I guarentee when she gets over you she'll probebly Tone up and feel her best again, meet a Real Man cos shes a real women your just a Ego driven little Boy!
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male
reader, jack23 +, writes (11 October 2006):
 I can understand that this is causing problems in the relationship. Everyone when in a relationship subconciously evens the score, even tho they are not aware of it. When you got together the scores were even, now she has stop with trying to look attractive for you, you are being to consider other females. Which is hard to remain happy when your relationship is failing and you have plenty of other opportunities.
Its not your fault that you are thinking this way, if she is still physically attracted to you then you are keeping her happy, so theres no reason you shouldnt expect her to do the same.
It would be worth thinking back to when she started to let herself go, what happened around this time that may have led her to get this way. She is possibly depressed or ultimatly has got that comfortable that she doesnt feel the need to try.
You should try both getting envolved in physical activities together, like running, cycling, paint balling etc anything that would help.
You doing the right thing by staying with her, but I believe you will end up leaving her if it continues, not because you a bad person, but because you will just not be happy.
As a last resort I would tell her that you really love her but your sex life is failing and its becoming a big problem.
Good luck mate!
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female
reader, snowbird  +, writes (11 October 2006):
 She could be depressed, and sorry to say this, but you could be contributing to that condition by constantly referring to her weight!
She is comfort eating to compensate for something which is upsetting her..this is a very common condition and you are not helping - she KNOWS she is overweight, and she is reminded every time she looks at herself in the mirror - she does not need you to keep harping on!
Try going cycling with her, or you do the shopping, only getting low-fat things. Some treats, maybe, of the non-fattening kind.
Encourage her and make sure she feels loved and secure..when she loses weight - even one pound - tell her how great she looks, and treat her to some flowers or a pretty scarf or something to keep her spirits up. Make her feel attractive!
She could do with seeing a doctor for her health's sake, though. Good luck.
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female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (11 October 2006):
 I think you should stop looking at this from your point of view and start seeing it from hers. Your need for a barbie girl is far less important than her need to get medical help if she is binge-eating on junk food. If you think she is 'the one' then your love for her should be unconditional - that doesn't mean you cannot prefer her to be smaller but if you are nagging her about her body then it maybe driving her straight to the cookie jar. She maybe depressed, she maybe dealing with an eating disorder...she may just like food! You can give her some gentle advice about her health risks and maybe buy her a book on 'healthy eating' rather than diets (that generally don't work anyway). You should suggest she sees a doctor if SHE is worried about her weight and you have just got to accept that you can lead the horse to water but you cannot make it drink...she will only be receptive to other people's advice when she is ready. As for you looking elsewhere...if you do, then you have to question your love for her. I put on a lot of weight a few years ago due to a medical condition and it took me a while to lose it...neither my ex-boyfriend nor my current husband worried about my yo-yo weight as they liked me for me rather than the size of my jeans - I suggest you just think about why you are with this girl if her body is that much of a concern to you.
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female
reader, andrea23 +, writes (11 October 2006):
 it could be that your gf is a bit depressed & food gives her a little bit of comfort that could be the reason behind her eating so much, you should think about that instead of thinking of her fat. sit down & have a chat with her & if she is depressed she might open up to you.
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reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (11 October 2006):
 Well if she doesn't want to take the weight off there isn't much you can do. If you have talked to her about it I guess you'll just have to decide whether you want to walk or not. I hope she wises up and realizes it not healthy to be overweight and she will feel much better about herself as well. Good luck.
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