A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hello, my nineteen year old son has a girlfriend. They have been dating for about 8 months, he away at University. Last term as he was preparing to go back she asked how 'can you choose university over me if you loved me you would stay'. Now she is planning to move to share a flat with him when he goes back to Uni after the summer break, he doesn't want her to but when he tries to tell her she threatens to harm herself, she doesn't allow him to have other friends and gets upset and angry if he proposes going out without her. He wants out, he's frightened to leave her because he feels responsible. I can't talk to her mother, she is not stable and supports her daughters ideas for living with my son. He loves her, but he recognises that this relationship is destructive how can I help him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2007): I don't really talk to my parents about my relationships. But the times I have, (they always find out anyways), my dad in particular has a really strong effect on me. Like everytime I find myself in a really pathetic situation like this one (assuming your side of the story accounts for most of the truth), he always makes this face of utter disgust. Almost snooty-like. And when he does that, it's like I know what I got to do. And I always keep that face and his words of wisdom in my mind to guide me to make good decisions. Like if this was happening to me, and he knew, he would be like "ugh! He's not gonna kill himself! Just dump the idiot!" "Focus on school!" And he is always right in the end. So that's what you should tell your son too.
A
female
reader, LauraE +, writes (13 August 2007):
Hi,
Your son is obviously a nice guy who doesn’t want to be responsible for harm coming to this girl. But he isn’t responsible – he is her boyfriend not her guardian. .You said it – he wants out. That being so, there is no question of asking her to behave differently, because he isn’t going to stay with her. She obviously has all sorts of problems, which she has maybe learnt from her mum, but your son has his life ahead of him and should not be guilt-tripped into risking it all for a girlfriend he doesn’t even care for any more. He needs to sort this out before he returns to university because if she follows him there, she could hang round his neck and prevent him from learning. It is difficult to know whether these threats are real, or whether it’s just cynical emotional blackmail. If he is sure she means it, perhaps he can persuade her to see her GP and get some help. You say her mum is unstable, but if she has only heard her daughter’s side of the story, she may not have grasped that this plan is only what her daughter wants. She may think that moving in with your son would be good for her daughter, when in fact it would be disastrous for them both. Could he speak to her about his worries for her daughter, and ask if she could help persuade her to get some help? All this would be difficult I know, but not as bad as dealing with the consequences of her following him to uni and being totally dependent on him. But – whether he persuades her to get some help or not – if he doesn’t want to be with her any more then he should finish with her.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (13 August 2007):
 Hi
Sounds like her mother knows your son is a good catch for her!
Well, its a nightmare when someone threatens to self harm or o.d. My ex pretended he had taken 50 double strength nurofen when we split once & i had to take him to a & e the following day, only for them to want to keep him in, but he wouldnt stay there & asked me to drive him back to mine. I have since realised (my dad is a nurse & said he would of had ill effects if he really had taken them!) that it was a ploy. And at the time it did work. We were together another few months after that.
I guess what im saying is, some people are full of empty threats & its not likely she would actually do it! And it sounds harsh, but it really IS NOT your sons responsibility if she does do something silly!
Its a horrible position to be in though thats for sure.
I split from my ex 5 weeks ago & guess what, he didnt take any pills.
I hope he gets out of this situation soon because with you as his mum, i expect he is a very well balanced young man that deserves the same in a partner! hes extremely lucky he has you there to support him!
All the best.
C xxxxx
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A
male
reader, Straightshooter  +, writes (13 August 2007):
In all honesty she sounds very much like an ex girlfriend of mine from 25+ years ago. She used to try pulling the I'll kill myself routine constantly, everytime I wanted to go anywhere, or do anything that didn't include her.
In the end I had to walk away from her as the relationship was destroying me.
The long term upshot is that when she was 30 the woman was finally diagnosed with BiPolar disorder (manic depression as used to be called).
Getting out was the best thing I ever did, I saw her a few times in my mid 30s as she'd moved back in the area I was then living in and she had gone downhill in terms of mental stability. In the end she topped herself in 2005.
I'd strongly advise your son to get the hell out of the relationship ASAP.
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A
female
reader, bubbloo24  +, writes (13 August 2007):
 I think he needs to sit her down and talk to her calmly saying "I feel that I have no control of my own life because it feels that a lot of the time, if I mention something that is something you don't want, I can't do it because I'm worried you'll hurt yourself. I do love you but this can't go on. I have a life too. If you feel that you're going to hurt yourself, I think you need to speak to someone else to sort it out."
If she doesn't listen and threatens again, it's time he put his foot down and said " Ok, you haven't listened to how I feel. I cannot carry on within this relationship if you refuse to let me have some things that I want in life. I do love you, but I can't be with you if you continue to tell me you'll hurt yourself." and he may have to leave for his own sake. In which case, if she hurts herself, it's not his fault.
He cannot be there to sort her out all the time. She needs help if she's hurting herself.
He can't always have to do what she wishes becuase of her threats. He needs to put his foot down now. If she doesn't listen, I think he'll have to leave her and if she does do something bad, it's not his fault at all, she has control over her own body and he won't have lieterally given her the knife or.. what ever she'll use if she does do it.
I hope I helped a bit.
Take care. I wish you all the best.
x
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