A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:When is it ok to have sex with your ex? I (25/f) dumped my ex (30/m) 6 weeks ago. He' s recently offered me a plane ticket to see him to catch up, check in on each other, and have a last time go in bed. Initially we were both excited, as I'd already felt moved on by then. We've been talking near daily since the break up and yesterday we had an argument, regarding why the relationship ended. Now I'm less excited and questioning the visit. When is post break up sex ok? Should I turn him down? How often do these arrangements end well?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2015): Just from my point of view. If I were your EX I would say as soon as possible and as often as possible
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers everyone! I decided to skip the trip. After hearing your points of view...it made sense. And my gut had peace with it also. Funny thing he actually texted early this morning with "you're ignoring my messages. Are you not coming?" I said no. And he was shocked, he was still expecting me to come. He then insisted I explain why. I haven't amswered yet. Honestly...I feel relieved amd empowered somehow. I'm going to hate cutting him off though. We have great conversations and laughs. However, after our last talk I realized he'd basically slide me into a disposable fwb until he found someone. Thats not what I want now. And I also realized the chance of him doing some type of permanent metamorphosis between the break up now is very small. If he wanted to keep me he would've changed while we were together. It's going to be painful to delete him off my social medias and go cold turkey. But...I guess its got to happen. Again thanks everyone.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 January 2015):
 my best FWB was with an ex boyfriend but 6 weeks is way too soon and the fact that you are questioning it is even more telling.
Until you no longer care if he's around or not... until you don't care if he's alive or dead or if he hurts or not... only once he no longer matters to you at all would it be ok...
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (13 January 2015):
 I do think that, sometimes, you can have sex with an ex and it won't be messy, but this sounds like a bad idea.
It's incredibly unlikely that you've already moved on in 6 weeks.
We know from your last post, the one I posted on my first comment here, that he was stingy and you weren't happy with it. So, I just think you're risking feeling used to jump back in bed with him so soon.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2015): For me, no sex with an ex ever. If we're getting back together then it's ok but then it's not an ex.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@anonymous you make an excellent point. I originally was your second example. Now I'm the first one.
@jannipeg good point. He asked me how I'd feel seeing him again if all went well. But I don't wanna feel like a seat warmer. He's told me that he had sex with an ex before until he found someone else. That doesn't sit well with me either. Also you're right. If he'd agreed I'd have been more inclined to go. But since he insists he's not cheap and that 'I'll never get past the cheapness thing and that he's forever flawed in my eyes" as he puts it, that's when the questioning if the whole thing began.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@midnight snow- thank you. I agree. Yes he was stingy even though he swears up and down he's not, and "doesnt know how it happened."
@jannipeg- it felt exciting initially because we have great sexual chemistry. So at the time when I felt over him,it felt like the perfect set up. But like I said after the argument it wasn't the same. I started questioning the motive and value.
@honeypie-the exes thing...was the trigger for the can of worms in our argument. He swears it has nithing to do with him now cause it happened so long ago: although he admitted how "it'd seem that way from the outside. " also after the argument I felt it was a test also. And I felt it was him trying to regain some type of power he felt he lost when I dumped him. After doing a lot of thinking I no longer think it's just sex- I think this is about control and ego. I would've hoped we could be friends after this but I wont be surprised if he disappears after this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2015): "When is post break up sex ok?"
From a guy's point-of-view, always. He gets to enjoy all the benefits of being in a relationship with none of the obligations, responsibilities or disadvantages.
Anytime a guy can get a chick to put out for him with no effort or expense required, it's a win-win.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2015): If in doubt, best not.
I've done it. It was terrible. So much so that we stopped in the middle and I asked him to leave in the middle of the night.
Or it can go really well. I've done that too.
The difference is for the first ex I wasn't sure - it was more of a 'why not' sort of decision. Whereas the second one I COULD NOT WAIT. We ended up working things out and 10 years later, we are still together.
There is no textbook answer to your question. The fact that you are here asking speaks volumes.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (13 January 2015):
I've done this and it was nice. I disagree with the advice here.
I was over her in the sense that I knew I didn't want to be with her, but I still had feelings, maybe even still loved her.
The sex under those circumstances was great!
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (13 January 2015):
 The short answer to your question is NEVER. And the long answer...well, NEVER. There you go. There's never a good time to have sex with an ex (they're an ex for a *reason*) and these arrangements never end well.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 January 2015):
 You know it's not a great idea. 6 weeks? You are not over him. It will take you a lot longer then that.
I think considering his PAST actions of NOT wanting to PAY or share to pay, has prompted him to PAY for your ticket, because when you DO get there he will have an EXCELLENT excuse why he can't pay for stuff while you are there, he SPEND all his money on the ticket.....
To me it smells a little bit of a test. You take it as you have achieved something by him ASKING you to come and him paying. However, HE can ALSO see it as YOU wanting to take advantage of him (just like his exes did).
If you PLAN on this guy being an ex, don't go. If you think there is more to the two of you, then go - just don't expect him to have done a 180. He might for a short enough time to reel you in. The guy is WHO he is, cheap is just PART of it.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 January 2015):
 I think the only time it's okay is when you having nothing to look forward in life anymore. Even when the sky falls you don't care. Yes you should turn him down. If you had not had sex for 6 weeks you are going to miss it but I don't know why it would be exciting with an ex. You had disagreements on how the break up happened. He did not feel responsible for it, which means he feels okay to let you pay more often and making empty promises. If you miss sex, there are many guys out there in your city. It doesn't have to be your ex.
For him to pay for a plane ticket it is like a break up reversal for him. For you to agree, it tells him that you still care for him and that maybe the last time isn't really the last time.
I think he's trying to prolong a no strings attached sex relation. His reluctance to pay in the past means he didn't really want to be committed because to be committed means money constantly draining from his wallet. While occasional casual meet ups are less expensive and gives him more freedom.
See, if a "last time go" is that great, wouldn't there be another time? Wouldn't it be more convenient for him to get a willing ex to travel to him, rather than to risk asking other ladies out and getting rejected?
I know travelling on a plane feels like a vacation. An invitation makes us feel important. But this is more about him and his ego, having guaranteed sex, rather than extending a friendly gesture to you.
I think the stupidest thing he did was have an argument with you, instead of just agreeing that he was a cheapskate. You would have hopped on the plane to see him if all was smooth.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (13 January 2015):
You said he was stingy: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-would-a-man-be-so-stingy.html
I think this is a bad idea and you should stay away.
I think you should never have sex with an ex because they are an ex for a reason and if you've really moved on or don't want to go back, then there's no reason to sleep with them.
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