A
female
age
41-50,
*ountryaly76
writes:I've started seeing someone that I like a lot. he is a little older than me, I'm 38 and he is 47. For the most part things are going well. We communicate easily, laugh a lot together. the kissing and cuddling are great. we do have a problem though, when it comes to having sex, he cant perform. things start out great but when it comes to actual time for intercourse, it quickly just goes limp. why does this happen? I know he is attracted to me, but it has happened everytime so far which has been about 5 times. will it keep happening, does he need to see a doctor or talk to a counselor. Can someone please tell me what could be going on.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 January 2015):
 Susan28 or countryaly76 (not sure who the OP is here), in this question http://www.dearcupid.org/question/he-says-he-loves-me-and-wants-the.html you reveal that your lover has Hepatitis C, that he abuses pain pills and he has no money.
Please clarify ASAP.
A
female
reader, Susan28 +, writes (13 January 2015):
Thanks for all of the advice,
He is a very healthy man, runs 9 miles at least 3 to 4 times a week. And isn't in any medication.
Yes he can stay hard during oral sex. I have mentioned it to him and he said that where he was married for 20 years that he wasn't used to being with other women and that he has some many feelings for me that he doesn't want to disappoint me in he performance. I reassured him that I'm completely satisfied just being with him. So I guess it's just a mental thing.
Hopefully we can work through it. But, either way he is such an amazing man that it really doesn't matter. So thanks again all gave great advice
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2015): Hi. I'm really sorry this has happened. Such a shame when everything else is good with him. I would say have a gentle chat with him, possibly saying' Hey, I hope I do not make you anxious in that department?' Not staight after sex, but at an opportune moment. He will know what you are mentioning hopefully, then you can gentely coax him out and he may open up. My feeling is that he has had this problem for a very long time,( 5 times of not being able to rings alarm bells - plus he has not said anything) and this is what happens mostly everytime, and why perhaps things don't waork out long term for him with women? He may open up and tell you if there is any underlying medical issue, in which case you can make an informed choice and offer any advice/ talk it though together, then decide if you can live with it or not.Let us know what happens.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2015): A man's testosterone levels starts to drop after 40. Some not so much, some significantly. If a guy doesn't exercise, maintain proper diet, and stay active; he'll more likely face these problems.
Yes, he may need to see the doctor if he's having erectile dysfunction. He may also be very nervous about his performance; and that will effect his ability to maintain an erection. If you act disappointed, behave as if it's your fault, or show pity; you are only adding to his anxiety. It's not you.
I think he simply needs to see his doctor to rule-out any physiological issues. That is, if this is the first time he has had this problem. I doubt it is. I think he's keeping information from you.
Sometimes men his age are on meds for high blood-pressure or other medical problems, and ED is one of the side-effects. He may not have shared these details with you. Men often don't share such information figuring you will reject him before you get to know him. Sometimes it's because we're too proud.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2015): As men age it is harder for them to stay "hard" and it has very little to do with the partner they are with.
Just age.
Some men are affected more than others. My boyfriend is in his 60s and he stays hard and can perform optimally. But there have been days. Probably one or two in our two years that he just could not come. He had an erection but did not have an orgasm. Even though we tried and I am very sexually appealing to him. Just the way it is.
It is the male body. As it ages, things do change. Men need much more recovery time and a lot more stimulation to get an erection in the first place. He could very well be turned on and want you but the body may not be connecting with the mind.
First he may need to see his doctor to get a full check up. So many physical factors can come into play. So that should be first to rule out any medical conditions.
It could also be emotional or psychological. He may be under stress. Maybe he has performance anxiety? It is a very new relationship. Maybe he is putting too much pressure on himself to want the sex to be satisfying for you and thinks too much about it. When men think too much or are stressed, it will be much harder to keep an erection. So you need to maybe have a full on conversation about what things in his life could be affecting his mental state. Is there stress? Is he afraid he cannot meet your expectations? There is an age gap so that may concern him. He may think that being older he may not be able to keep up or please you and this will affect his confidence level. Or, has he had sex recently before you? Maybe he has gone through a dry spell and has not done it for awhile and this is also affecting his confidence and performance? It may take a bit for him to get back into the groove.
I think that you may want to try stepping up the foreplay. He will need more of this to get hard. Use your hand and stimulate him this way. Use your mouth as well. Kiss his nipples. All over his body. Massage him. Whisper some dirty things into his ear. Wear some extra sexy lingerie. Seduce him and see how that goes. Sometimes we need to go that extra mile as a woman to help our man out. It will reap you many rewards. ;)
You can also consider using sex toys in which he can please you and he can also please you orally and with manual stimulation. The possibilities are endless if you use your creativity!
But yes, as they get older, you need to emphasize foreplay much more. They need manual physical stimulation to start them off most of the time. And try different positions. On top seems to be a very good one for the man in which the woman rides him.
Most importantly never make him feel pressured or inadequate. This is the very last thing you should ever do. Be supportive and loving and kind. Do what it takes on your part to get him to feel comfortable, safe and WANTED.
I suggest the first little while to just explore each other's bodies. Like a heavy make out session. No pressure. Take it slow. Focus more on mutual manual stimulation and oral sex. See how that goes.
Hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 January 2015):
 My guess is his T-level has started dropping. It's NOT you per se. It might be a combination of being USED to a "firm hand" and you not being as tight a grip on his penis as his hand. It can also be the position you two use. Does he stay hard if you do oral on him?
Does he use condoms? They can desensitize things (though I wouldn't suggest NOT using them.)
I don't think a counselor can fix it, but he could go have his T-level checked out.
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