A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I had been dating this guy I met online for 6 months before I decided to call it quits. The thing is, he's constantly calling, emailing and texting...trying his best to win me back. I'm not sure if it's guilt, or true love - but I'm starting to doubt my decision. He's incredibly sweet, and we enjoy the simple things in life. However, I don't think we're intellectually equal. I know that sounds shallow, but it's honestly how I feel. He's severely dyslexic, and surprises me when he knows so little about certain things that are just "common knowledge". I crave deep conversations...about anything really - but I don't seem to get that with him. Also, he's in real debt. Not school debt...But actually partied his money away. Although he's gotten his act together, he's still paying for his careless behavior and unfortuanatly, so am I. Maybe I'm afraid of being single. Sometimes I worry that I'm running out of time to find "the one" and start a family. I'm only 27. Maybe I'm settling? Although the sex isn't mind-blowing (never was), I still miss his cuddles, cooking together, watching movies together, walking together...etc. It seems as I'm writing this, I can see that these are qualities that I can find in other people - but why can't I let him go? He's still very much attactched to my heart. Everyday he waits, and everyday he reminds me that he's there should I decide I want him back. I don't want to lead him on, yet I feel very much on the fence about what to do. I love him; but am I in love with him? I don't know for sure. When I see him, I'm genuinely happy. All smiles, and care-free. When we're apart, I over-analyze and doubt a future with him. What does that mean?
View related questions:
debt, met online, money, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, krysberry  +, writes (3 January 2011):
 i agree with shawncaft and tone. If he makes you happy be with him. If not move on. But ultimately you need to think about the long term. Can you see yourself with him in 5 10 or 20 years? Do you see yourself starting a family. You will never find anyone that is EVERYTHING you want. Sometimes you have to take the good with the bad. Like shawncaft said what he can't give you can fill with friends. Is he honest, loyal, loving, kind? These are just a few things you should consider. If you need conversation john some sort of club or group to fill that part of your needs. It sounds like he is a good guy. I say give it another shot but let him know straight out you are not sure how you feel but that you know when you are together you are happy. Maybe tell him what's missing and maybe he will find ways to fix it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): I think eventually the lack of intellectual interaction may become a real problem. You never know what will happen in relationships over time but I'm a firm believer not to waste time and cause others disappointment. If you don't think it will work long term try to find someone else and let him do the same.
...............................
A
male
reader, tone +, writes (3 January 2011):
 Everyone is ready to tell you to be apart from him. Spend so time with him. You dont need to marry. Just enjoy your time together. Take the good parts of relationships as gifts. He makes you happy? Then see him and love him for how he makes you feel.
...............................
A
female
reader, raffles  +, writes (3 January 2011):
To me this sounds like you just need a best friend and no one else matches up. These are all things you could do with a really good friend. Maybe if you get yourself out there and meet other people you wouldn't feel this way about him. The fact you are questioning it says alot. Just because he is sweet and obviously adores you does not mean you will fall in love with him. Unfortunately we cannot force ourselves to love someone. I think you need to find yourself a best friend and leave this guy to find someone who will feel the same way about him as he feels about you. Good luck x
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (3 January 2011):
 it suggests that subconsciously you have many doubts that this could work long term. Short term and at the beginning of the relationship there is the novelty, curiousity and the initial spark where we temporarily suspend our critical analytic faculties. But that early freshness wears off. Cracks start to appear. Doubts creep in. Your brain has told you that this relationship will not work.
Your guilt is stopping you front going forward.
So your brain is in over analysis trying to rationalise your decision and align it to your values and attitudes. The over analysis surely tells you there is a problem? For disparity in intellect will only make things worse over time.
Plus Guilt and jealously, one or both, will eat into a relationship. In your case guilt. But these things would not exist unless there was an underlining problem in this relationship. One that would cause bigger problems the longer you were to stay IN the relationship.
Change your contact details (email etc) and stand by your decision to break up.
Get motivated and go to the nearest mixed gym. Join the circuit class. Circuit always has guys.
In the warmer months try joining a cycling group if you have enough cash to kit yourself out (not a cheap to start up sport)
Or (cheaper) in the warmer months go to the local public pool and swim laps. Early morning before work there are lots of guys swimming where they do find time to chat to girls.
Join a group where you feel some
interest in the group and get involved.
For instance if you you love flowers join the 'Friends of....(local public garden'
Go to interesting events where you will meet interesting men. Some very interesting intelligent men of all ages play chess. Learn it. Some very interesting younger men in your age group learn how to play bridge and play that game regularly. It is not easy to learn, but a great intellectual game, if you apply yourself to it.
Choose a mixed sport where young men and women are regular participants. Learn about that sport and join a group playing that sport. You do not have to reach olympic level, just have fun, and mix with others.
Get some peace in your psyche by joining a yoga group. It will relax you.
Make your life so full and interesting that you do not have the time to get stuck in the past. Good luck
...............................
A
male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (3 January 2011):
 I think you are not ready to settle down yet. The question you should be asking, in my opinion, is whether you can see building a family and future life with him. You need to ask yourself whether he possesses the core values you are looking for in a life partner.
No partner is going to be perfect. You will always have to give up something for something else. For example, he may not have the ability to keep up a great conversation, but he is a kind and loyal and trustworthy person. Or, he might not be handsome, but he is very interesting. You need to choose which is most important to you. You can always fill in the gaps with your friends (e.g., have an intellectual conversation with them!) Good luck.
...............................
|
