A
male
age
30-35,
*alshie93
writes:I've been broken up with my ex for close to three months now, but we went through a period of "getting back together" for a month, so it is effectively two.Only in the recent month have we had no contact with each other. We hurt each other pretty badly, said hurtful things and did stupid stuff to each other.In the end it all broke down, no friendship or anything which is what I had used as a deal broker in getting back together but had never actually experienced.Anyway, more to the point, I've been feeling like I want her back, I cannot in anyway accomplish this, it's an impossible task, I don't actually want her, but then I don't want anyone else to have her, because I am jealous of what they will have with her. I know it's bad, but that's why I'm on here now.So recently, New Years Ever recently, I was on the phone to my best mate wishing him a very happy new year which is when he told me that, a boy I had been playing Rugby with for about two years had invited my ex round to his house.I felt sick and betrayed, I don't particularly like this boy but I never made it obvious so in his mind we were friends. I felt betrayed more by the fact that it is an unwritten rule, bro's before hoe's so to speak.I felt sick because I know my ex girlfriend is easy. When I was first with her she gave all the signs of not at all being hard to impress but I stayed with her for 2 months before we went out with each other in a relationship, I basically saw past the surface and saw the actual girl inside her, which indeed was insecure and very cautious about what people said about her.All in all, she was a bit of a slag or a whore or whatever you want to call her and in a way I curbed that edge she had to her. Not forcefully but with her spending time with me she began to open up to me etc cried into my arms several times.Anyway, what hurts me and makes my blood boil is that I know this boy and he is out to get action off her, he isn't out to see her inner self, I've heard him talk for two years about girls he has been with etc and I feel even worse at the thought of my ex girlfriend doing stuff with him, mainly because I strongly dislike him and now actually despise him and secondly because I feel like well I don't know, it is so confusing.Every time I think of her moving on but in a sluttish kind of way my skin crawls and I feel sick and upset and just long for her back.I don't want her with him but I know that I cannot do a thing.I hate this boy yes and if he ever wants to start some sort of beef with me in a confrontation I will more than honour his request, but I don't know where these feelings are coming from.I had been coping fine, and now I don't know why a sudden flush of missing her and texting her has come back.I hate it. I don't want her in my life because I know I deserve better, her and I didn't work but it is like I am still looking out for her.I just don't want someone I hate to have her. I just feel betrayed in every sense.So I want to ask all you agony aunts out there, how do I curb these emotions and the jealousy and hatred etc I have towards him and her actions.
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female
reader, Angela Switzer  +, writes (9 January 2011):
The best way for you to cope with jealousy issues; not liking that other boy is to think things through; why listen to friends from the past about someone else that you love now..just ask that person the truth and they will tell you..wouldnt you like to hear the truth from that person yourself and not from old associates you all hung out with? To my point for you..who do you really want to be with? If you chose to be with the person far away from you then pick up the phone and call daily or even tell the person from far away how it will be and dont lie about it, be honest with your feelings. Did you even think to yourself that what is being said is all lies about the person who lives so far away from you?
A
female
reader, ToHereKnowsWhen  +, writes (9 January 2011):
 You shouldn't be worrying about him or her anymore. It's over. Leave them alone. You need to worry about yourself. Seriously.
Jealousy is pretty normal, you just don't want it to get out of control. You have to be strong and deal with it yourself. Were you happy as long as you felt that she was emotionally dependent on you?
Why are you feeling jealous? Fear? Fear of what? Loosing her? Too late, you already have. You obviously didn't trust her, so why were you with her in the first place? Could it be that you have a poor view of yourself? I think you really need to understand where this comes from, it is not something you want to have to wear for the rest of your life. Learn to be happy with yourself.
The other side of this is that I imagine your ex-girlfriend wouldn't have had an easy time with you either. Just ask around, there are plenty of girls that will tell you what a pain in the rear it is when you discover your guy is the jealous/possessive type. Guys like that are insecure and unpredictable. In short, not good relationship material.
Now all is said and done, whatever you think of that girl, remember, as you eventually discovered for yourself, not too far under the surface she has feelings just like you.
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