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male
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anonymous
writes: HiI was hoping to get some advice from females but males welcome too!I seem to have this reoccuring problem when dating girls, basically I am not interested in having sex on a first date, and probably not until I have really got to know the girl first but I am always quite surprised of the expectations of women, and some of their reactions. On a couple of occasions I have been accused of being gay, and others of having "issues" just because I didn't want to do this.(this is just my personal opinion) I just don't feel like I like girls in the same way if they are too easy to have sex with, I am looking for a long term partner (marriage) and by holding off on sex until later on means a lot to me, to me it means it will be more special, intimate and lasting, especially in todays times when sex has become so casual. I have had 3 sexual partners since I became sexually active 10 years ago - there's nothing wrong with that is there? In both of my two serious relationships (4 years and 2 years) we had a very intimate and experimental sex life, so it is not like I am frigid or dislike sex.I always thought it was men that can seperate sex and love but I have always found it is the opposite way around. Women (i meet) seem to expect sex immediately.Maybe it is just because I haven't found the right person for me yet. I was just wondering what girls thought about finding a guy that wanted to get to know them as a person and spend time developing trust before getting involved in any thing sexual. Would you think he was gay or had "issues"?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2006): Any girl would b lucky to have u as a boyfriend, I know i wouldnt mind ha! U sound like a really decent person cos a lot of men i know just want sex and thts all.
no i dont think girls would think ur gay. i think they would like u for being like tht. i would never want to have sex with anyone and on the first date! i definitly like getting to know the person and falling inlove, and thts who i care about most, then i'm ready.
A
female
reader, finchy  +, writes (14 July 2006):
 I wouldnt say this makes you gay or make you seem like you have issues. I think that sex is taken to lightly you should indeed wait till you know the person and at least care about them. xx
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (14 July 2006):
 I agree with you, I am the same way. Not only do I not want to initiate sex too soon, but if I girl clearly does then I tend to lose interest. It's just the way I am. No need to make excuses for it. I too am saddened at the minimal value that many place on sex, I personally find it very emotional and intimate, and like to be very very picky about who I share that with. I wasn't always that way, my feelings about became stronger over time based on various experiences. I had a few casual sex experiences and found them un-fulfilling and hollow, leaving a very bad taste.
It's about finding the right person. Stick to your guns. You won't be happy otherwise. When you do find the right girl, you'll be very happy you went about it your way.
A word of caution though. It is easier to take a 'holier than though' attitude. Just because you have made this choice, don't look down on other who don't. I myself am guilty of this at times, and it's just plain wrong. What you are doing doesn't make you 'better' than someone else. This has been a source of serious problems between my girlfriend and I, ones which we are still working through.
One last thing. I have discovered some hidden negativity within this attitude in myself. You might want introspect and consider whether this applies to you.
As men we are under some social pressure to 'be confident, sexy and strong'. This translates into picking up women, to a certain degree. The number of sexual partners you have had is in a way a measure of your masculinity. A man who is a player is seen as 'more masculine' than one who is more reserved. This can create insecurity and self-doubt in men who are more reserved, and have less or no casual sex. A feeling of being 'less than a man'. We can then cover this with a kind of moralistic attitude... that we are somehow 'better than the men that just sleep around'.
This is a very seductive path. It is a way for us to retain our pride and make ourselves feel good and 'morally right' about something that is in fact an insecurity within us. We hide our insufficiency and fear behind it. Our pride and insecurity can drive us, and result in us basically putting others down to make ourselves feel better. As in... "well, I may have only slept with x people, but at least I'm not a slut". You may not say those words, but that is the feeling. It is dangerous. Watch your ego, watch your pride, do not let them inflict your insecurities on others.
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A
female
reader, jezibelinhell +, writes (14 July 2006):
 You have morals and and standards...I don't see a problem at all. Kudos!
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