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*ealthylove
writes:I have been in relationship for 5 years. It was great for 3 years until his children ages 16 and 20 started to cross boundaries when he and I were together. I asked him on several occasions to set up some healthy boundaries to not have them wake us up or interrupt. He has a very hard time saying "No" to anything they do. I started a new job and was working 6 days, so I was tired and needed sleep. I started setting up my own boundaries by sleeping at home. He felt I was disconnecting from him and said he felt pressured to make a decision between his children and me. I never asked for this and did not know by asking to not be woken up and interrupted that I was asking him to choose. He could not handle the pressure and said he couldn't do this relationship anymore. We had a fantastic relationship, very compatible in all other areas. We love each other dearly. Now he says he needs time to clear his head and to think about whether he really wants this relationship. I told him he was codependent and needed to work on setting up healthy boundaries for himself, which made him very angry, but he will not show his anger. It has been almost a month and he did contact me to do something nice for me in terms of finance, but it became a crying scene for us both. I have decided to just stay away and make no contact. Am I doing the right thing? I feel he would rather lose me than set some healthy boundaries. I know I have no choice but to go ahead and live my life, but my heart is broken.
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reader, healthylove +, writes (2 March 2011):
healthylove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn reply to Cerebus, No it was not because I was working 6 days, it is because his daughter came to live with him and even if I am in my own house,he will still allow his girls to interrupt our time together, even if it is only for 2 hours to watch a movie. In the 5 years I have been with him, he refuses to say "NO" to anything. When I asked him for help in compromising, he did not want to. When I told him he could come to my house. You are taught at an early age to not wake someone up, this is not a difficult task. It is not my place to discipline his children. It is his place. I gave one incident, there were many. Manipulating, stealing and lying are not traits I consider you should ignore when you are a parent. I felt he did not make it comfortable for me in his home once they came to live with him. He refused to act like a man and make a decision in his parentong, with our realtionship. It is five weeks and he cannot even tell me "NO" he doesn't want our realtionship. He does not honor my feelings especailly when I offered solutions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): I disagree with how you've handled this situation. You've thrown away a 5 year relationship because he won't comply with your demands that he set your opinion of healthy boundaries for his kids who are pretty much adults at this stage?
Did you talk to this 16 and 20 year old about this? If so what did they say and please don't tell me that it's not your place to talk them or something like that, they're pretty much grown ups at this stage.
"I never asked for this and did not know by asking to not be woken up and interrupted that I was asking him to choose." That's not what made him choose, you distanced yourself and pretty separated yourself from him by creating your own boundaries not just with his kids but him. So yes, you forced him to choose, "sort your kids out while I'm gone honey". You basically treated him like you want him to treat his kids, really? Are you that emotionally distant from people that you can cut and run? You see you expect him to sort out these issues yet you run away, how does that make sense? It's okay for you to run off and set boundaries between you and him in a huff because he won't talk to his kids?
Why don't you resolve it with them? Are they really that unreasonable? Or is it a simple fact of them just living there and making noise is upsetting you? You see you make it seem like they come into your room and wake you up whenever they want or is it that they play music and do things like that, that wake you up? Because if it's just normal daily events like that, playing music or watching TV, or having friends around then that's normal.
You see the other posters are very quick to jump to your defence and perhaps you and they are right but I don't get how this wasn't a problem for 3 years, they were still his kids in all that time and it seems to me like it only became a problem when you started working 6 days. So in my view it seems you wanted them to change their habits and lifestyle to suit your new hours. You see your circumstances changed and you expected all of them to fall in line with what you demand. You see this guy seems like a lovely reasonable man from your description, I think you hold that view of him anyway but then you turn around and start calling him codependent after 5 years and then go off in a huff to set your own "boundaries" because you didn't get your way in this?
I'm sorry healthylove but I'd have to reconsider a relationship with a woman who calls me names and runs off when she doesn't get her own way too. I'd have to reconsider a relationship with a woman who could so easily throw away 5 years because me and my two kids won't adapt to suit her lifestyle and demands.
Good luck I hope this works out for you but while everyone here thinks you're completely in the right and you may think that too, that you should move on and perhaps lose the love of your life, a man who may not be the most headstrong when it comes to his kids but has every other quality you look for in a man. I personally think that compromising and finding a way of actively resolving this instead of running away and cutting him off may actually make you happier and give you a long and happy future with this guy. Especially seeing as they are nearly out of the picture they're pretty much reared now.
Which would rather be right and lonely, or would you rather relax your stance, realize he may just always be a bit of a sucker for spoiling his kids and try to talk them directly.
Seriously have a look at this and your role in this, you like to throw all the blame onto him but it takes two to tango and if you won't dance then nothing gets fixed.
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reader, firstlovelastlove  +, writes (28 February 2011):
 "He has a very hard time saying "No" to anything they do." This is not good at all. I lived with a woman with her 2 children for 4 years. In the end I was just a 'cash dispenser'."did not know by asking to not be woken up and interrupted that I was asking him to choose. He could not handle the pressure and said he couldn't do this relationship anymore." This doesn't even make sense to me. There had to be something else. Wasn't there? If this is all it was then these are not the actions of a man."I told him he was codependent" Bingo!"I know I have no choice but to go ahead and live my life, but my heart is broken." I am very sorry your heart is broken right now. In the long run you will be a lot happier because I believe the relationship this man has with his children today will get worse once they reach adulthood and 'something's always wrong'. I bet one day you will learn of something his children did and you'll say to yourself 'I am so glad I am not in that anymore'. Try to surround yourself with good friends and spoil yourself. I truly wish you all the best!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): i really feel for you, I agree you have every right to ask for this . I mean its your right to sleep for gods sake. If he cannot do that one simple thing for you then I'm sorry huni but is this going any where? Its not as if his kids are even very young, surely with you workin six days they can understand this? Its ridiculous. I really sadly think you have a similar problem to me. Yes the children come first for him as you obviously respect but for him to break up with you over something so small ? I dont buy it at all. . . There are so many men who just wont put there partners as some sort of priority, kids need guide lines and isnt leaving you sleeping and not disturbing you what you would expect. This man is being ridiculous I think, and you are doin the right thing. Hang in there x
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reader, JDinCali +, writes (28 February 2011):
 I agree with you, he's codependent. You can't do anything if he's not willing to admit it and work on getting over it.
Codependents always feel like victims, because inside they're unloved rejected children. So, until he can find his own identity and learn to accept his responsibilities, (not just give into others), then he can't give you what you need.
I think you did the right thing. I hope he gets over his denial. You deserve a man that can stand up for himself and you.
Take Care.
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