A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Why am I attracted to these needy messed up low self-esteem women? It's like if she is in trouble or is in bad emotional place or drug addict or w/e . I find these women very attractive.. Its like their emotions are so pure I can't explain it.I have a need to comfort them. I feel very good if woman is crying and I get to hug her, just take her in my arms and make her feel better, just be there for her as much as I can for her.The problem is that as soon as they get better they are not interesting to me anymore. As soon as they are confident and have self-esteem I not attracted to them anymore. Its like one day I'm in love and week two later I m not anymore. And the worst is that they fall in love with me because I was there for them during the horrible time of their life and I have to break their heart.I m really worried because I just don't care is some confident beautiful woman asks me out. I want this other woman who is emotionally broken.The thing that scares me most is that I wont find stable relationship and just end up alone still fixing these women.What should I do ? Does anyone else feel this way ? Should I find psychologist or something ? Please help , any advice welcome Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): I also do this. Help girls that are hurt or depressed. I guess it just makes me feel better and needed for once. I've been through alot in my life and it just helps me know that atleast someone needs me. I guess since my lifes not worth living anymore i'd rather help them live there's.
-Freshman - 14
A
male
reader, decrepitCUPID +, writes (28 February 2011):
Finding a good psychologist is difficult, it can take a long time and make you lose faith in their ability to help. So in addition to looking for one, you should try to heal your self at the same time.Start with exercises that help you visualize your long term (relationship) goals and timelines. Take this seriously! After you figure out exactly what you want, your current disaster/drama addiction will either go away (if you are lucky) or become much more defined, lending it self to better understanding.The reason for your dirty little habit likely stems from a combination of fear of rejection (and the ensuing heart break), as well as a deep-rooted lack of self esteem bordering on inferiority complex. And it all converges on your need to project control in a world where you feel you have none.Confident women scare the hell out of you. So much so, that you have swore them off all together. Instead of facing even the possibility of dealing with someone not consumed by emptiness, you simply refuse to envision the hard work that it takes for normal relationships to remain viable.Instead of leaning back on your self esteem for reassurance that you do in fact have something of great value and interest to offer to a healthy and confident woman, you choose a woman for whom your mere tolerance of her is as significant as other highly desirable traits are for other women. Such an arrangement further allows you to project an air of superiority, which you camouflage as kindness to enhance the effect even more by adding to her confusion and shielding your self from coming across as overtly aggressive - classic passive-aggressive behavior.On the positive side, you are not so damaged that you want to live your life this way. There are plenty of men who go through life taking this to an extreme (abuse), without giving it much thought. Of course they remain miserable in the process. You understand that this hides issues that you must deal with before you can reach your own happiness, which is significant for someone as young as your self.This is more serious than you realize, because these same issues will limit not just your love life but success in other areas as well, so its a good thing that you have decided to address it. Don't stop trying, and most important, be honest with your self.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 February 2011):
 Take a chance at a confident woman one time. Even confident women cry, and need someone to be by her side when she's going through a rough path. Then when she feels better she will be loyal to you and want you, not push you away.
Some men have the "knight in shining armor" syndrome. They are drawn to the damsel in distress. There is something so pure, simple, and elegant over bare emotions, raw and deep emotions. And perhaps, when they open up their emotions so easily, you are drawn in and think that it creates a bond between the two of you. Perhaps.
Perhaps it gives you a boost to know you were there for them, that they can count on you, that you can "fix" them. In these cases you must remember that you are outside of them, looking in. If they are to get better, they are the only ones who can help themselves. Even if you invest all of your emotions in them, people are never synchronized. Which means your emotions are going to waste. The best thing you can do for a person is to pray, or be a good role model, be an inspiration. Be a rock they can cling on to when they need it. But you can not influence them so directly as in having a direct impact on what they do. If that happens it was only because they wanted to do this thing, not because you told them to. To give an illustration, you are on the outside looking in. You can never be in there with them and their emotions. You will always only be an observer.
So, in that way, you can not be their knight in shining armor in the way you'd like to be. I think you just need to detach yourself from people, and not get so involved in their emotions.
You will get over this, if you make the conscious choice to end this bad cycle. You know that the way you currently view women, the way you currently relate to them, doesn't work for getting you what you need. This is so far the only way you know how to relate to women. That is why you do it. But you will learn other ways to interact. For now though, work on not running to the very first damsel in distress you see. Keep a distance. Don't get emotionally involved. Remember your place on the outside!
And, the number one reason you haven't found a confident women you actually are attracted to yet is because you're so focused on the weak girls you're not allowing yourself the chance. You're blind to the beauty of others. To top it off, any confident girl won't do. You still need to find the girl that is a good match for YOU. And you are delaying the search for that great girl, by constantly looking for girls who are not good for you.
Don't worry if you can't find confident women attractive yet. When you meet the right one for you, she will be attractive unlike anything else. But you need to give her a chance to catch your eye.
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A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark  +, writes (28 February 2011):
 Do you think theres any chance that YOU might have low self esteem. And "fixing" these girls helps that?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): You've talked a lot about the women, but you've said very little about yourself.
Perhaps you like being a hero (saving and fixing these women), but you're not sure how to value yourself solo. Maybe you just like feeling needed more than you like being loved. Perhaps you also have a low-self esteem if you think you deserve someone who is damaged.
But you are honest, very aware of yourself, and your motives, so I'm sure this something that will change if your really want it to. I don't think this pattern will last your whole life, because you'd probably get bored just fixing people.
Counseling, which you already suggested, sounds like a great option. Otherwise, it's really up to you to try to date outside of your type and see if you can find some connection with stable women.
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