A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I am wondering if anyone of you have good insight to a mans mind... I recently had a conversation with my boyfriend that has left me confused!We were talking on the phone late in the evening the day before I was to leave to be at my mothers for a week. I had tried to call him earlier, but he was asleep then, so the phone call was a bit later than originally planned. Anyway, I had meant to ask him if he could stay over at my place (or me at his), so that I could get to see him before I left. Now, what confused me is that when I asked if he would come see me he only answered "thanks for the offer". But nothing more! I asked if that meant he didn't want to come see me, and he said it just meant he thought it was nice of me to ask. But...? He said there was no but. Okay, so I asked well do you want to come see me then? And then he finally said that his car was parked in, so he couldn't come. But I have a car, I could have picked him up. Or there's the possibility of busses... So I don't know what the problem was. I asked him if his car wasn't parked in, would he have wanted to come then? And he just said that he'd be considering it if his car wasn't parked in.What's going on here? At this point I was getting confused, so I asked him to please consider it and tell me if he would like to see me or not, and if not then why. I also reminded him that I do own a car, picking him up (or staying over at his) wouldn't be a problem. But before I can pick him up, or pack my bag to stay at his, he needs to tell me if he wants to see me or not!!I am so confused now, because after that he just went quiet, said nothing. Then suggested we say good night, because he needed to think things over. I haven't talked to him since, it was two days ago. So right now Im just wondering what happened here? Oh, and when I told him I could have picked him up if he wanted to he got almost "shocked" and said he couldn't ever ask me to do that. That it'd be rude of him to ask such a thing. I don't see how that would be rude, he drives me around places all the time when I ask him, so why shouldn't I be able to return the favour once in a while? And after all I was the one who wanted to see him, so I should be expected to do the traveling if anything.I'm just wondering what to say to him when I talk to him next and if anyone can help me see what I missed. I feel so confused.ps. we have been together for a year now. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 March 2012):
 Yep what Cindy said. He didn't want to say NO it sounds harsh but he was too comfortable to move....
and if it was me and my bf didn't want to see me the night before i was leaving for a week I'd be mad.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 March 2012):
 Agreed, your bf acted a bit passive aggressive. " Thanks for the offer " means " thanks but no thanks " and obviously he hoped that you'd leave it at that, without having to elaborate, defend or justify his choice. At every objection you raised or solution you suggested, he felt more and more cornered and pressured, and did not know what to tell , because he wanted to stave you off without being openly confrontational.
I want to try being devil's advocate for him. You wanted or say you wanted ,a simple yes or no answer . Do you want to see me tonight ? yes or not ?
Apparently it is that simple , but things are often more nuanced , more in a grey area.
He could not say yes ,because he did not mean yes.
He would not say no, because just "no" ,out of context, may take a strong, oppositional meaning that he did not mean. NO means :I am strongly against something, I am totally opposed to the idea, I dislike what you are asking me.
What he had in mind was just probably along the lines of : I am settled for the night, I am looking forward to chill by myself a with a beer in my hand and my fuzzy slippers on. I WOULD go out again if it were for something particular or important, but I don't think this is the case. You seem to think that 's important we see each other BECAUSE you are leaving and staying away a week, but I don't see it this way, - after all it's just 7 days, not 7 months , and I don't see what difference does it make in our relationship if we spend 2 hours more together or not before you leave, we are not separating, we are not saying goodbye , we'll still be together when you come back, in my mind the occasion does not warrant a total change of my plans. BUT I imagine that you see it differently, and that if I say that, you'll take it the wrong way, you'll take it personally , to mean that I don't care about you anymore or that I don't like you enough , and you'll give me a hard time about it. So I'll play it cool, and will try to be vague polite and diplomatic,hoping that,if I am lucky, you'll take the hint and won't have the nerve to insist ".
You say that if he just have said, No, tonight I am not in the mood to hang out , it would have been totally fine with you - but, be honest : are you sure ? You would not have asked him : and how come you are not in the mood, what happened, are you just tired, or ...are you in a bad mood.. or, is it me ?...- starting the need for a longish string of explanations and justifications , that he did not want to get into. Like he said ," does it have to be a reason not to come ?". Some times , the reason is, just because: Because I am doing some "me time ",...it's nothing personal, it's not against you ... but I can't trust you not to take it personally.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2012): Hi, it's me who asked the question. Thank you for your responses. I don't think I nagged at him, I think wanting a straight answer is fair. When he first said "thanks for the offer" I took that to mean no, but since he didn't really say no I had to ask if that meant no. And it went into a discussion where he explained that it didn't mean no! Which just left me more confused. That is when I asked why he wouldn't come then, if "thanks for the offer" doesn't mean no. And then he answered "does there have to be a reason not to come?". And that is when I got more confused, because again he wasn't saying he wouldn't come, but he wasn't saying he'd come either! And that is when he said his car was parked in. And he said he thought he'd be rude to ask me to drive him. But I said I'd like to offer to drive him to me (or go to him), but before I can make that offer I need to know if he'd like to see me or not... Kind of makes sense doesn't it? I would feel pushy if I suggested to drive to him when he hasn't responded with more enthusiasm than a "thanks for the offer". I have not talked to him since, but given him his time to think this through. All I did was send him a text after we spoke telling him that I was confused. I didn't see our conversation as an argument or anything. And just 4 days prior to our phone conversation he had taken me out to the movies, bought me my ticket, spent the night at my placed and offered to drive me to school or wherever I needed to go the next day. On the phone he also said he'd like to meet me when I come back to do something fun. I just don't understand why he couldn't give me a straight answer and why a simple question like this had to be so complicated for him to answer. I would have understood if he didn't want to come, as it was late and a last minute invitation. But he didn't at one point tell me "no" or "I don't feel like it". And like I said, he went into lenghts explaining how "thanks for the offer" didn't mean no to him.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 March 2012):
I agree with Janniepeg. “thanks for the offer” is a round about way of saying no.
I agree you nagged at him to see you and yes it hurts that you are going to be gone a week and he didn’t want to see you and he could have been a bit more forthright in his responses.
Leave him alone and let him come to you but when he does you need to talk to him about communication skills.
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A
female
reader, Latti +, writes (2 March 2012):
Yes, it does sound like he was not in the mood to hang out....why? That's for you to discuss. I think you asked all the right questions, but he seems pretty evasive with his answers. Thanks for the offer? Is that how he normally responds to you? It's 1 thing if he just was tired & needed some space.....that's ok....we all do. But it's another thing...if he's withdrawing from you.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 March 2012):
 Thanks for the offer means no. He could be tired, watching a game, doing household chores. Some men like to share everything in their lives but yours is secretive. He could have told you the reason why he stayed in, problem solved but no, you let this drag on when you couldn't accept why he didn't want to see you before you go to your mom's. He thought you were rude because he didn't want to come and you were like forcing him to. I would feel awful if I were you. He is making it difficult to communicate. It's not so difficult for a man who is loving, to just assure you that he loves you and will miss you. I would leave him alone and let him initiate the next contact. From your post I can't tell if he loves you or not. From what you wrote he is like a man withdrawing in his cave.
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