A
male
age
51-59,
*RWI
writes:Hi Just looking for some advice reallyIve been with my partner for nearly three years now, things are great except for one aspect.We still have sex regularly, but the oral sex (from her) has gone from frequently to hardly ever- even as part of foreplay she will never generally have it near her mouth.When we first dated things were totally different, in fact the first sexual thing that happened was a surprise BJ after our fourth date. And she seemed to like doing that.. she said she enjoyed giving and receiving at the time.Now though, it happens maybee every two or three months, and if she does that, she will go maybee half way then carefully finish me off onto my own tum or something.I still give oral whenever we are intimate (she enjoys oral but loves fingers so i do a mix and draw out her 'O' for as long as i can) . We shower together quite often as a prelude so hygeine isnt an issue, and i still make the effort to be romantic etc.I tactfully brought it up about 9 months ago, i said i loved what she did, said she was fantastic at them, and asked if there were any issues with my hygeine etc that i should change or anything putting her off.She said she wasnt aware i wasnt getting as many (not sure how she could be unaware!) and that she didnt mind doing it, but got jawlock from it... but that she would make more effort.9 months later nothings changed at all.Anyway the questions i have are1) Do people think the BJ stopping are a clear sign she just isnt as interested as she used to be?. If so id have expected sex to slacken but it hasnt2) Am i a "male pig" for getting so wound up about it all?. I know there is far more to a relationship than a BJ, im not daft. But as daft as it sounds its really driving me insane and making me examine how she really feels about 'US'
View related questions:
foreplay, oral sex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Dellgodd  +, writes (2 December 2012):
Dude I'm in the same boat as you..I am married to the most spectacular girl ever. We have been married for 7 years and she was a virgin when we met. Right away she always was ok with oral from me and also giving anytime. We work different hours so every night when she got home at midnight it was clock work with a goodnite BJ. For the past 4 months nothing not a hand job nada and at this point I have to assume she's either no longer attracted to me or cheating bc this girl is very very sweet honest and a angel and before this year I would have never even would have thought it could be possible, but I would be stupid not to read the signs. The best I can offer you is do what I am doing and trust me its not easy. I pretend as if it doesn't bother me, and its business as usual. Do not check get social media, cell phone etc. let the chips fall just keep in mind that the end may be coming. Like I said its not easy and I'm not the type to bite my tongue however by doing this we hold the power and all the cards. I hope it helps to know your not alone and I wish I had a better answer for you bc If I had the answer well I would be set too lol
Good luck and may the BJ Gods be in your favor
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): I don't really mind the bait and switch so much.
But I do mind when women defend it like it's their right to be deceptive to get a man. Yeah, whatever. I'll agree with that when women say it's okay for a man to lie about how much money he makes.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): "How often do you honestly go down on your girlfriend? Did you do it a lot more in the early stages of your relationship?"Honestly? Really, that is the issue isn't it? People lie at the beginning of relationships and it bites them all on the ass later.So, how often do I do it?Every time, and I do it more now than when we started, because she enjoys it so much, she's gotten much better at receiving oral sex than she was.Why do I do it?Because she enjoys it so much, she has these things called "orgasms".How often?Every time she wants sex, if it is twice in the same day, then twice in the same day...if once a week, then once a week. Whenever she wants one of those things called "orgasms", and doesn't want to have to do it herself.Why do I do it?Because she enjoys it so much, because she has these things called "orgasms", and she likes them!Guys should expect the same in return, and women who are sensitive and caring lovers do the same. When one person's needs and wants are not being met then they start wondering why and somebody starts looking elsewhere...and frequently it is the one who isn't putting out the effort. I hate to break it to some of the women on here who talked about how much they liked it to the bf at first then let them die a slow death, but orgasms feel great and a great felatio performanc (BJ) feels just as good as great cunnilingus.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 May 2011):
 I would not call it a bait-and-switch...if it is , it is in good faith. At the begininning of a relationship, whatever geneder you are, you always want to impress your partner and show them how great you are and all the cool things you can do.It's not intentionally manipulative in most cases, you just want to show yourself under the best possible light. When the relationship is settled and secure, you still do it, unless you are a total swindler :) , but a bit less, it's normal. Ladies, have you ever had a guy tryng to surprise you with his cooking skills ?... He cooks dinner for you, everything is great, he thought of everything, appetizers, entree', sides, he even made a delicious tiramisu with his grandma 's original recipe. You thank him for all his trouble, he says : Oh,it's nothing, I just LOVE cooking.Fast forward a couple of years, you married the guy, how often is he gonna cook ? the very least he can , and only when you really insist. Does he love you any less ? No. Is he a dishonest ,callous liar ? Not really. He just knows that now he does not need to sweat it so much.
...............................
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (17 May 2011):
 Talk to her about it. Don't be confrontational, but be firm. If you're still having sex often enough, she's still into you, so you've got that to work with. But the bait-and-switch about blowjobs (or anything else) is unacceptable. It'd be like if you had a high-paying executive job when you married her, but then became a fry cook because it's less stressful.Now, this doesn't mean you should threaten to stop going down on her - you're a team, not opponents, and lashing out isn't going to create the kind of environment needed. Let her know this is important to you. She's a grown woman who should live up to her word. And don't let comparisons to other couples come into play - this isn't about them, it's about the two of you, and your mutual satisfaction. That wouldn't change if you were the only husband on earth getting any action at all.Ease her into it, though. Going from zero to swallow in one night isn't going to help anything. Just include a little licking in foreplay to start with. Work up to a little sucking, more sucking, and eventually full blowjobs. Make noises and grab her hair so she can see how much you're enjoying it. Then give her the best orgasm you can afterwards. Eventually you could try to sneak in blowjobs during the day when you won't have the opportunity to immediately return the favor, and instead will do it later - that's when you're both concerned enough about each other's pleasure that you can delay your own gratification for the other person.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): This reminds me of the old joke about the bride and groom on their wedding day. They both disappear into a room together, and about 20 mintues later they both emerge with huge smiles on their faces.
The best man says to the groom "why the big grin, what happened in there?", and the groom replies "I just got the best BJ of my entire life!"
The maid of honor asks the bride the same thing "why the big smile, what happened in there?", and the bride replies "I just gave the last BJ of my entire life!"
To the OP: if nothing else, be thankful you know now that she really doesn't like BJs so you can decide if you want to potentially go without them for the rest of your life before you get more serious with her.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011):
This is normal in most relationships. You aren't a male pig, but clearly this means more to you than to her. Be happy you are getting any from her at all and go worry about something more important.
...............................
A
female
reader, ihateseagulls +, writes (17 May 2011):
i used to tell my bf i loved giving him bjs but i didn't, i still carried on doing it though because i always wanted to please him. tbh id be more happy she is being honest now :)like someone else said, if your going down on her, maybe she should do it a lil more, but then again you shouldnt ever pressure her into anything. and i dont think telling your gf you can't go forever without a bj would be a good idea.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (17 May 2011):
 I agree with K_c100. It sounds like she wanted to impress you. A lot of women really want to do everything they can to blow their boyfriend's mind (pun intended) in the beginning, but other than the satisfaction of pleasing a partner, it can be very tiring and painful to go at it for a long time.Some women love giving blowjobs, and some don't. It sounds like your girlfriend isn't one of the women who loves it.I promise you though, she's still into you. This doesn't mean she's not at all! It just means she feels comfortable enough with you that she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to. Especially having you finish in her mouth, she probably never liked that at all and just enjoyed how much you enjoyed it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): I"m going to stand up for SOME women like me...
I LOVE giving blow jobs... (and yes I'm going anonymous with this because i don't need all the attention I might get from the statement.)
The problem with giving blow jobs is if a man has serious girth to him it does get uncomfortable after a while depending on the style of BJ he likes.
PLEASE do not assume all women give BJs only because they have to...
given the choice I'd like a nice cuddle and some great necking... give my man a BJ and off to bed all cuddled up with my appreciative man....
...............................
A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (17 May 2011):
Great replies k_100, I am in exactly the same position and very insightful to read your view. I had been thinking, the rest of the relationship is pretty great so I can do without the oral.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (17 May 2011):
 To entice you my friend....I know I have even said the same line and it is a lie! I have said to guys in the past I enjoy it and love giving head, but us girls only ever say that to make you think we are great in bed and to impress you.
Notice how at the start of the relationship this is what you said your girlfriend said "she enjoyed giving and receiving at the time." whereas this changed to "she didnt mind doing it, but got jawlock from it" when you spoke to her recently. It proves my point, us women know what men want to hear in the early days of a relationship, if we tell you that we love giving head you are only going to fall for us quicker. But then as time goes on, our story changes and we give excuses why they have stopped ("I get jawlock", "I dont like the taste" etc). And your girlfriend has done exactly that!
Now if you go down on her frequently and she doesnt return the favour, that is definitely wrong and you are quite right to be upset about this.
I think all you can do is sit down with her and really be brutally honest. Tell her that your relationship is fantastic and you are happy, but the lack of oral sex is becoming more and more of an issue, and you are seriously thinking now that you dont know if you can go for the rest of your life without another blow job. Tell her you love her and it would be so stupid to end a relationship over something so small, but the issue is getting bigger and bigger in your mind and you need to resolve this. Tell her that the last time you spoke she said she would try, and nothing has changed, and this is not acceptable. Tell her you understand that giving head might not be the most pleasurable experience for her and you are sympathetic to that, but you perform oral sex frequently and it is becoming very one-sided, and you dont want this sort of sexual frustration to get worse in your relationship.
I think if you have a real brutally honest talk with her she might just grasp the seriousness of this. I bet the last time you spoke to her she just though that you will get over it and cant miss blow jobs that much - but if you make it clear how serious this is to you and how much it is affecting you hopefully it should hit home with her.
But at the same time - have a read around on Dear Cupid, look at all the hundreds of men who post about their wives or girlfriend's lack of libido, men who are not even having sex at all, let alone only missing blow jobs. You have to remember you have a great relationship and are having frequent sex, that is actually quite rare and you are lucky that she is still interested in sex! Yes sacrificing blow jobs would be bad, but surely bouncing around from one short relationship to another having the exact same problems (women going off giving head, because 99% of women you meet will be the exact same), never meeting someone as attractive, never meeting someone who you are as compatible with as your current girlfriend, is a lot worse?
I am not saying you should compromise and just give up hope of ever getting head again, you need to talk to her again about it as I mentioned earlier, but you need to keep some perspective on this and be grateful for what you do have.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, TRWI +, writes (17 May 2011):
TRWI is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all
KC100, just wanted to comment on one thing you asked, how often do i go down on her.
The answer is i go down on her every single time we are intimate, she does enjoy receiving oral and i enjoy giving it....yes my tongue gets tired etc, but its worth it for the reaction.
Ironically im happy to kiss after receiving oral, but she hates kissing me if ive been down on her.
Anyway thanks...but if she doesnt like it, why say early on that she enjoyed giving and receiving?
My main worry is that they will die off altogether eventually. And, stupid though it sounds im not sure i can go the rest of my life without any oral?.
Thanks again
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (17 May 2011):
To answer your questions in order:
1. She is still interested in you, dont worry! As you said, she would have stopped having sex with you, she would be very distant, irritable...etc if she had gone off you. She clearly loves you, is attracted to you and enjoys having sex with you, so dont worry about this.
2. You are not a male pig at all, you are completely normal.
I will try and fill you in on this, most girls will either hate me for being honest about this or will shoot my down saying it is not true....but this is the real reason why, in a lot of relationships, the BJ's stop:
Women dont enjoy giving BJ's!!
We do it at the start to make you happy, we all know how much men love them and we do want to please - so we will do it reasonably frequently at the start of a relationship to impress you, to make you think we are great in bed and to keep you satisfied.
When we have you hooked and comitted to us, then the BJ's gradually slow down, and in some cases stop alltogether. Why? Because we dont like doing it! It is bloody hard work and no fun for us at all (not all girls mind you, there are some out there who love giving head, but I am talking about the general majority here). Once we know you love us and are committed, there is no longer a reason to try and impress you!
Yes it does sound pretty awful, but same thing applies to men! How often do you honestly go down on your girlfriend? Did you do it a lot more in the early stages of your relationship? I bet you did! I can safely say with every boyfriend I had it has been the same, they went down on me fairly frequently at the start of the relationship, and as time progressed, it slowly fades away. The thing is, for most couples (again, let me stress, not all!) oral sex is something that is a bit of a chore because it does make your jaw ache, there is the whole issue of fluids that you dont really want in your mouth, it can take a while....and unless you are in a 69 position then only 1 person enjoys themselves.
Whereas with mutual masturbation, or sex you can at least both enjoy yourselves at the same time!
You are not a pig because most men would love more BJ's, you are just honest enough to admit it and talk to your girlfriend about it. And she is still interested in you, just chances are she doesnt want to admit what I have said above - I know I wouldnt want to admit this to my boyfriend!
I guess it is up to you where you go from here - try giving her more oral sex and eventually she might feel obliged to return the favour. I know if my boyfriend ever gave me oral sex (I think he may have done once or twice but it was that long ago I cant remember!) then I would be way more inclined to give him a BJ to return the favour. But seen as he doesnt bother with oral, I cant really be bothered with giving him oral either!
I do feel I have given away a few female secrets here so sorry girls, but it is the truth and hopefully you will feel better!
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (17 May 2011):
 Maybe it seems like she enjoys it but just says that to keep things sweet?
A friend of mine who I've been intimate with, after me asking whether she minds going down or not, she described it as 'pretty grim' and I don't blame her, what's nice about sucking on a guys dick especially if there's pre cum that tastes like bleach?
In some relationships man, you just gotta accept that some people don't like doing some things during sex and there's not a whole lot you can do to change it.
All I could suggest would be that you've already had a subtle word with her about it and she didn't get angry about it, maybe you could try that again and see where it gets you?
Maybe tell her you like going down on her but what is it like for her to go down on you?
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 May 2011):
 "jawlock" hurts... trust me... so if you were getting long bjs and her jaw was locking it's like biofeedback... she wants to avoid this pain...
sounds like she likes/loves you and sex but that the pain of giving you bjs is imprinted on her subconscious brain.
so MAYBE you can start slow... little licks and kisses... and let her brain re-imprint with the joy of giving bjs... and maybe you can tell her that the SECOND her jaw starts to hurt she should stop.... build back up...
...............................
A
male
reader, Drew21  +, writes (17 May 2011):
 In my experience, I think most girls just don't like giving blow jobs. Seems like it's something they feel like they HAVE to do early on in a relationship, and then as they get more comfortable with you it kind of dies down..
It has always kind of surprised me how, every girl I have ever dated.. The first time we get sexual, the first thing they ALL do is pull down my pants and go to town..
A lot of it may depend on what kind of lover they are, too. For some reason I always wind up with girls who are passive and submissive in bed. Course, i think i'm also a domineering lover, and many of them just kind of stop trying after awhile.
I would continue talking to her about it, if it's something you really want.. Maybe even in the heat of the moment tell her you'd really like her to go down on you, ya know?
...............................
|
