A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What really attracts a guy to a girl to where he wants a relationship with her? I am an upbeat, down to earth, nice and understanding person. I am affectionate and loyal. I maybe a bit busy with work sometimes and have to cancel a date or two, but I make up for it. I just can't seem to attract a guy I like to have a relationship with me. Most guys that show interest just want to hook up and that's it. I do not act or dress slutty. I think I am attractive: not over weight, and has good hygiene, well proportioned...What makes a guy want to have a serious relationship with a girl? I know most guys would say that it's her personality which I know for sure is BULL CRAP!! I have known so many psycho bitches with guys who stay with them. I also know that trying to pursue a guy is worthless unless he is already interested. Then there is a risk of him thinking that I'm desperate and need to sleep with someone.Please help! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2013): THANK YOU all so much for your answers and your helpful insights! You are amazing people :)
A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (30 June 2013):
 I just asked my hubby who is 39. We met when I was 25 and he 34. I always thought about why he'd be interested in a 25 year old vs finding a single girl in her 30's. It's a common complaint now from my single friends in their 30's who are ending up with men in their late 40's and early 50's versus men their own age.Hubby says: Personality always wins, you have to have chemistry. But, there are a few shallow things men look for in their 30's - they love youth (perhaps because they are aging themselves?) and what it brings - being attracted to a nice looking youthful girl. He loved how silly, goofy and innocent I was, he felt that there was no pressure to marry right away, he loved the charm of innocence (not too much dating damage/baggage brought to the table), he liked that I was flexible with my work and would let his career progress, he liked the adventurous spirit of a 20 something year old who was not bound by career, he loved how my interests aligned better with his (watching actions movies, going for runs, loving architecture), he loved my honesty (no game playing, no pressure), he respected how sex was off the table for 4 months while we dated (he liked the challenge and respected me more), he loved how I didn't make him my world (was heading to graduate school, had interests outside of his) but still made him a priority (again no games), I laughed alot and thought he was super funny.He also says that if he had met a woman in his 30's (which he only dated prior to me) with these traits, he would have taken her seriously also.I think the key here is to make sure you are as attractive as possible (workout, get hair done) as men are very visual. Then relax a bit, stop with the serious conversations about work/responsibilities/issues during your dates. Be relaxed, laugh, be goofy, say silly things. No games, get excited when he calls, be yourself, call him right back. Don't cancel dates because of work as it shows the guy he isn't much of a priority and your work will always be an issue. Take sex off the table for a few weeks/months. Be adventurous and do cool stuff (travel to unknown places, pick up awesome hobbies eg surfing, kiteboarding, anything that interests you, live life to the fullest). Laugh lots. In all, be a buddy he'd always like to hang out with. Always be yourself of course!I hope this makes sense. Now at 30 I still try to be my usual self, although it's hard as career/baby/responsibilities/goals get in the way. I think I'd be a not so fun date right now. I try my best to relax still and laugh lots. Hopefully soon things will calm down where I can go back to my usual self.It's never perfect, but you have to just try to be a fun and happy person to be around. Also, really get out there - go to all kinds of functions and mixers, join singles activity groups, have parties at home or go to friends parties. Really get out there.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (30 June 2013):
 Hi OP,
I understand that it can be extremely frustrating when you know that you have everything going for you and yet you can never seem to find the right person that you deserve and who in turn, deserves you. Take it from someone who's been right where you are. But trust me, its only a matter of time before you find this elusive person and it will be well worth the wait. Sometimes you can do everything right and yet be amazed at the kind of guys that you end up attracting. And then you see absolutely shitty girls with amazing men and you end up thing, "Really? Are you kidding me?!!"
There's no one thing that you can do here, but all I can say is that don't ever settle for anyone lesser than what you expected to. You say that "there just doesn't seem to be enough desire from the men I am interested in to pursue a relationship. They seem to just want to have short term fun." Maybe you're looking at the wrong kind of people OP, I know I was and that's why I kept ending up with all the idiots. When my now boyfriend walked into my life, I didn't even realize that he was the one, because I had literally given up on men and accepted that I would never find someone worthwhile. Of course, I've never been happier in my life and now the wait seems completely worth it.
Just be open to meeting new people OP and don't ever turn down the opportunity to have a cup of coffee with someone who seems interesting. You never really know what that might lead to! :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2013): Thank you for your answer! Very well thought out response.
I am in no way clingy or desperate. I am a tad busy. I do break dates at times, but isn't that what relationships are about is understanding and compromising?
There just doesn't seem to be enough desire from the men I am interested in to pursue a relationship. They seem to just want to have short term fun; I am not saying that I go for it either. I have tried to date all types of men, but so far, it hasn't really worked. I have tried internet sites, but usually am not attracted to them when I meet in person. It's frustrating.
Thanks anyway.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (29 June 2013):
 There are a million different answers to this question, but ultimately it boils down to this: do you have chemistry with one another?
It sounds like you have many pieces of the puzzle but I'd urge you to take stock of your situation: are you debt free? Do you have ex's lingering in the background? Do you have children? Are you desperate / clingy? Do you come off as boring or not interesting? Are you looking for love in the right places? Do you have interests and passions that are shareable? Do you have time for a relationship? Are you interested in others?
Again there are so many variables. Most people do question themselves at various points but it really boils down to a numbers game. Are you making yourself available or do you hide out? When you do go out, do guys have to fight through half a dozen friends of your to start a conversation or are you approachable? By looking at how you present yourself and who you are trying to attract may offer the solution to your problems.
Finally, online dating sites can offer you plenty of opportunities to at least make an initial connection. If you haven't already tried a reputable site, you may be missing out on a great tool to up your chances of finding Mr. Right.
Eddie
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