A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok, so I've been doing as much research as possible over the internet on this topic but none of the cases I found were quite the same as mine, and after months of searching for advice online and finding nothing, I've decided to post my question on here.So here's the thing: (it's probably going to be a bit long, as I want to include as much detail as possible- I really want the best advice I can get, and for that I have to be as precise as possible:I'm a soon-to-be 14 year old female in Y9, and I have known this teacher for about two years. She used to teach the oldest students History, I think. I never really noticed her until the end of Y7 or something. I can't really remember. The thing is, last year I began to see more and more of her, as she covered many lessons with my class when the teacher who was supposed to teach us that class wasn't there. That happened a couple of time, once she covered our French and PSHE lessons for almost two weeks, and also a couple of Science ones, as the proper teachers were away. She didn't exactly teach us though. Instead, the class and her started conversations together, and she told us heaps of stuff about her life and just talked to us. In those conversations, I found out she loves writing and is actually working on a book. I LOVE writing too and I'm hoping to become an author in the future, so that was something that really caught my attention. From then on, it's like I had this weird obsession with her. I love everything about her: the way she talks, the way she looks at you when she talks to you, her kind smile, her intelligence... and here's what I consider the weirdest thing of the whole story: she's sixty one years old. I mean, you don't get a crush on someone so much older than you. Not usually anyway. AND that is if you can call this a crush. because i really don't know what it is. Every day I look forward to seeing her in school, and if she's not there (she's around much less this year as I think she is retired now, she just comes on some random days, like when a teacher isn't here or whatever to take over their class) I get really really really upset. She's always on my mind- I mean ALWAYS, even if it's just in the back of my mind there isn't a SECOND of the day when I don't think of her. I can remember every single moment I've spent with her (which aren't many- and among them, we've only spoken properly twice) and almost every conversation we've had, even if it's just saying 'hi' when we pass each other by in the corridoor. I just find her such an incredible person. There's something so elegant, so wonderful about her. I wouldn't know how to explain it. I'm just so obsessed with her. I cry because I love her so much, I don't know in what way but I DO, and I know she will never love me back. She probably doesn't even know I exist, let alone EVER think of me. It kills me that I can't just go up to her and say 'I love you so much' and hug her tightly. Gosh. I know this is just so freaking weird, but it's the way I feel. She has a husband (the headteacher) and children who are adults themselves now. I hate it when sometimes I say 'hi' and she just ignores me, or just nods at me or whatever. It kills me because she won't EVER give a **** about me, EVER. I know it's hard to understand, and probably a long and boring story, but I really REALLY REALLY want to know what's wrong with me. By the way, I doubt I'm looking for a mother figure here, because my own mother is an excellent example, and I have many female role models in my life (which, yeah, includes my teacher, but whatever...)So what should I do? This is just becoming too much for me! How do I get over this obsession with her? Should I speak to her and tell her how much she means to me? Don't tell me to just stop thinking about her or to keep away from her, because I CAN'T! she's one of the few people i look forward to seeing every day, she's one of the people i love most in this world, for god's sake!so what do i do? and most of all, what's wrong with me??? how do i handle this??Please no mean comments!Thanks for your help and advice in advance:)Note: I know this is especially weird because I hardly know her that well, and because of her age. And yet I try my best to impress her, I long for her to like me, to hug me and tell me she loves me more than anyone else...
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2011): How is everything going?I just read this and realised how much your situation is like mine!except I have graduated... I still think about my teacher, cry about it and miss her so much! I see her as a motherly figure but I know for sure that she doesn't see me in the same way. I think about all the time and I know that she wont even EVER THINK ABOUT ME. It kills me and it hurts so badly. I have a feeling my mum knows about this and she doesn't really like the teacher because whenever I talk about her my mum gets all agro and stuff.I hope time heals
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2010): I just read what you wrote and cried because I've been dealing with the same thing since my junior year of high school. I am now a senior in college and I still have an immense attachment to my high school choir director. She is everything to me and I don't know how to let go of her. Going to college was the hardest thing in the world because of the distance from her... I would cry every day. I've been going to counseling for over two years now and even though I've learned how to cope better with the distance, I still feel very attached to her. Last year was the first time I actually told her how I feel... she cares about me but she knows she can't do anything to help me.
I just can't believe there are others that are going through the same thing that I've been going through for so long... I've felt so alone.
Thank you for posting this. You made me feel so much better.
I wish you all the best 3
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female
reader, BOOM!  +, writes (4 September 2010):
oh my goodness hunni!
i know exactly exactly what you are going through - i promise you that, about a year ago i was the same - crying all the time, always hoping to catch a glimpse of them and i totally recognise the way you wrote your message - making sure its clear its not a gay love or anything you just really admire her. i dont know if this will help you but i promise it goes away! never entirely but the quote i always think of when im upset is "When something beautiful comes to an end, dont cry because its over, smile because it happened" this woman has obviously had a major part in your life just like i had too and you will never forget her i promise that too. Im lucky because the teacher i admired really cared that i did well and spent alot of time with me to make sure i did my best and now we talk all the time and stuff but i promised myself i never would get like that again. The other people here told you to write, i think thats a great idea, if thats what you want to do then do it cause your proving to yourself that you dont need her and that you can function alone. Who knows one day she might be part of your life - dont give up so easily because i remember being where you are and thinking id never get over it and id does leave you with scars but times a healer and it becomes a positive experiance you learn from.
good luck my darling xxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2010): Hi dear
First of all, thank you for ASKING this question! It seems a lot of people are in this situation, too. I have been/am in kind of the same situation, although I think your feelings are deeper than mine.
I just finished high school where I had the most amazing teacher. I really admired her, and sometimes I even thought there was something seriously wrong with me because my heart started beating faster each time I saw her, and I looked forward to her classes to an insane degree. ;) She's a sweet old lady, so of course, there's NOTHING sexual about it. Still, I really adore her.
What makes our situations different is that you are, as it seems, terrified about how you feel and I'm not. I'm not trying to sound like I'm "like waaaay better" of coping with the situation than you are, because I don't think that's true.
I think what makes the difference is that I'm friends with my teacher. I know that she likes to talk to me, too. I know that we'll miss each other after high school.
I think you should definitely ask her husband what happened to her. It's a totally normal question of curiosity. You've had her as a teacher for a long time, and now she's gone out of a sudden. You have every reason to be curious.
When you do get to talk to her, be careful not to overwhelm her (I'm sure you know that already).
Tell her that you think she's been a wonderful teacher. Say that you know you two haven't talked much, but you'd like to stay in contact unless she finds it inappropriate. If you feel like it's a scary thing to say face to face, find her email address and write it down in an email to her.
I think it would be healthy for you to talk to her. That way, you'll eventually be able to see that she's "just" a human being, not a goddess. If you're lucky, you can become friends with her and keep being inspired by her.
I hope all of these answers have helped you see that there's nothing wrong with you and that you can love a teacher without being in love. I hope that eventually you won't be so tortured by your admiration and that you at some point will acknowledge how wonderful and rewarding it is to be able to be inspired so much by someone. I know it's easier said than done, but maybe you can turn your pain (in lack of better words) around and enjoy the fact that such admiration even exists.
Again, thank you for asking the question. It sure was nice for me to know that I'm not the only one with those feelings that are hardly ever mentioned by anyone.
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female
reader, njayshelp +, writes (25 June 2010):
you have got a crush more than a rush its nearly love:-/,but i`m experiencing this right now too and its hard I feel a sharp pain in my heart he was my teacher last year and I fell In love with him if he praised me id be exstatic.Its just so annoying your going to think this is creepy but I`m only 13 and he`s 35 i know almost everything about him,he goes out with different people sometimes we`d chat and i`d go so you have a girlfriend as in a joke and i foun out he lived in Killmarnock and he goes out drinking alot,,but his seriousness in teaching has inspired me and now i don`t have him as my teacher i feel really sore inside,he knows i like him now and he blushes does that mean he likes me?or mabye he just thinks im stupid.i delibratley didnt work to my capicity sdo hed chat to me and stay behind and do homework and now i feel ruined .Wr have 23 years of an age difference but im in love with him,his teaching inspires me and he still knows how to have a good time,he smiles he made my day i miss him,i didnt realise id fallen in love with him until i didnt have him.Now i just wish hed understand my feelings but he will think im a stupid little girl.But im more than that im much more mature but just not mature enought to control my feelings its gonna be hard to handle but advice would be great help,im gonna try and get into standard grade english so i get him in the futre is that a good idea or will it just hurt me more ,please help?,but my idea is getting over it good luck hun
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey! First of all, thank you for all your fantastic answers. It really helps a lot to get such great advice, even if it is from strangers! :)
Ok, so I haven't seen her around school for almost two weeks now... At first I thought this would really help me to, well, forget about her. But I soon realised it was a very very big mistake. The more time I spend without seeing her, the more I want to see her! :( it drives me nuts, because I totally KNOW I am placing her on a pedestal. Also, there's quite a lot of stuff going on in my life right now, and I am positive the only thing that could make me really happy would be to talk to her... But I can't!
I'm not brave enough to ask her husband, the head, why she isn't around school any more and whether she will be coming back. I'm positive they didn't get a divorce (they love each other too much for that), but maybe something happened to her? Maybe she moved away?!
So, should I ask him about her? Have in mind that he knows NOTHING about my admiration for his wife. Or crush, or whatever it is (I'm still not quite sure).
It's just I WANT to see her! I miss her like crazy- and it hurts so much to know that in these two weeks since she last saw me, she probably didn't give me half a thought :'(
Anyway, I've been thinking about what Honest_Answers told me (thank you again for your helpful answer!), how I could write a novel (though trust me, I wouldn't let anyone read it!) based on my situation. It's actually a brilliant idea, and I may consider beginning one, but I have to spend more time with the teacher before.
So anyway, hope you reply to this update!
Thanks again for your help!:)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2010): I understand your current situation perfectly. I won't tell you what to do or what not to do. My only advice for you is to listen to what your heart says. Sounds corny but it's healthy.
You might think about ignoring her and forgetting about her as many people will tell you to do.
Well, to let go of her is one solution but it hurts incredibly and it might end worse.
I'll tell you something else because I don't think this is just a silly crush, you seem mature to me.
I am not a therapist. But I know you admire her, you look up to her, you love her. You somehow want her to be part of your life alhough you don't even know her. These feelings are strong and they make you ponder about them, until your final answer is confusion.
But there is nothing to be confused about. Your feelings are normal and very common for your age. You are in a stage where you try to find yourself -and she is the only person, the teacher you have chosen. She will have a great impact on you in the future. You will find your true love another time, trust me.
How to cope with it ? Tell her ! Right, but choose your words wisely. Remember your teacher is a human beeing too, do not overcharge her.Don't run to her and tell her you love her. Just tell her about your problem, and that you need help. She will be surprised at first, but she will understand perfectly how you feel. An experienced teacher like her must know. As long as you don't have any sexual interests show her your admiration, your respect, your love. She will be flattered and who knows, maybe you will be good friends ? Think about it. Then do whatever you think is right.
Good Luck !
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A
female
reader, Lemonpixie +, writes (17 January 2010):
 Do you think it's possible you are placing this woman on a pedestal? She seems to be someone you may idolize. He's a question, are the older women in your family not what you consider the ideal female?
You may not be looking for a mother figure, you may be looking for a path in life. Being 13-14 is tough, you are full of thoughts that you are unfamiliar with and life starts opening up new and exciting pathways for you to explore
Your mother may be a good mother figure, but is she what YOU consider successful? In my own experience, I love my mother, and she is a fantastic mother, but my aspirations and dreams are not of motherhood, they are of a different path. So i tended to idolize women with careers and worldliness, rather than the more nurturing types.
I think it's best if you do keep your distance, because the cold hard truth is, idols never live up to what you thing them to be. This woman is far from perfect, but you have created an image that she is. My advice is to get into an extracurricular, or find something to take up your time rather than thinking about her. Also possibly start writing, since you seem to enjoy it, it can be quite cathartic. Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, Honest_Answers +, writes (17 January 2010):
 Right my darling. I've read this long and hard and thought a lot about how best to help you.
I'm a teacher myself and love my job so much. I would be flattered if one of my students felt as much admiration for me as you clearly do for this teacher. It is very easy to love someone, or have feelings similar to that, when someone has the things you want. When I was in school I thought my English teacher was the best thing on the planet, I would produce the best work possible to impress her. I loved her style, her humour, everything, but the feelings weren't as strong for her as yours sound to be.
I notice you mention that you like writing, and in my teenage years my best vent of feelings of love, anger, resentment, longing all came out through my poetry. The process of sitting down and thinking about your feelings in another way can be one of the most theraputic things you can do. You say you want to be a writer... so write! Begin a novel about someone in the same situation as you, by doing this you can invent really vivid characters and put them in situations then think through how these situations would play out. You can create any situation you want! At the end of your story you can get someone to read it (but I found someone reading something so personal to be very difficult) or keep it to read back to yourself every now and again.
A book based on her can be the best homage to her possible.
Does that help hun?
Good luck and happy writing!
xxx
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A
female
reader, gurunikki +, writes (17 January 2010):
i am by no means going to be mean to you or say this is some weird kind of crush.... because i dont think it is. i was in a very similar situation myself. I think what has actually happened here is that she has told you a few things that she has done(or is trying to do i.e writing a book) and you have thought "wow this is what i want to do" and from that moment on( at least on your part) you have formed a connection with this woman and begun to admire her in a way that you have not admired anyone before. I am aware that this is freaking you out because you think you love her, and i think this is down to normal teenage hormones. i think what you are experiencing is ery normal and if you are learning things from admiring this lady then nothing bad can come out of it. Maybe you can get talking to her by telling her how much you would like to write a book aswell and once you have had a proper conversation with her, u will realise what you have for this woman is admiration. i wish you well, and let me know how you get on.
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male
reader, NM1218 +, writes (17 January 2010):
It is quite normal for one to feel attracted to a teacher or a similar fauthority figure.But really you may not be in love,but instead be infatuated.Not to mention that these feelings and fantasies are normal when one is in their teens.Seriously though,just live the fantasy,for the teacher won't date or sleep with you.They are much older than you,not to mention illegal.Over time you will get over it.Nothing much you can do.
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