A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:What's wrong with having meaningless sex with someone you never want to see again. I'm a sexual person who loves being touched by men. Is it bad to have sex with them if you use protection? Why is there such a stigma to meaningless sex? Yes, its just sex, 2 bodies touching nude...nothing more but if your single and not finding emotional intimacy, what's wrong with just getting off with someone who fancies you for a night? Its just sex! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLol, WiseOwl you got it allllll wrong! I have had a healthy childhood, didn't do anything sexual, didn't develop until late teens, never touched a guy until i was 18 and even that was very innocent. I started very late (after college)...i've only had sex 3 times...but it's oral sex mainly that ill do. I don't do it often, maybe once every six months ill meet someone hot and we'll do stuff (oral mainly, ill never give sex) I think it's normal but b/c i have such strong/strict morals, i feel extra guilty about my behavior
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 December 2013):
 Maybe you need to try celibacy for 6 months. (or more) Focus on other things then sex, hooking up, partying, being the center of attention.
Have you thought of volunteering? You get LOADS of healthy attention, you will met people who will benefit from this and YOU in turn will too.
THERE is so much more to you then a pretty face & body - YOU need to see that and believe it too.
All this random sex is you sabotaging your dreams. YOU need to start believing you CAN find a what you are looking for.
But first take time for yourself. Find a way to be happy with YOU.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2013): I think if you seek therapy, you'll be able to settle some of your issues. I suspect you began sexual activity at a very young age. Somewhere between 14 and 16. Even younger. You learned early on, that you can manipulate boys and gain popularity through your sexuality. I think the problem is, you may have a little arrested development mentally (sexually that is); because, in your early puberty, your body was developed beyond most girls your age. You experimented with sex before you were mentally ready to handle it. Probably with a guy much older than you. Hopefully,you were never sexually molested.I've read posts from so many young people, male and female, with the same issue. Sexuality becomes your identity. You feel rejected and invisible, when you can't turn on every guy in the room. If all eyes aren't on you. You'll do anything to be their dream-girl. If he isn't impressed by your sexiness, then you feel he has judged you as cheap.You even think you will never have a chance with that guy.You don't even know that to be true. You just assume so.Guys usually get addicted to weight lifting, exercise, or body-building; and showing off by trying to seduce every pretty female they can find. They crave admiration and envy from other men. They go from one partner to the next, never really forming healthy attachments. Getting off makes them feel like supermen.They want to be everyone's fantasy. A form of narcissism. The good thing about therapy, is the therapist will make you look back on your childhood and teens. You may recall incidents and experiences that lead up to where you are now. Then you will learn how to cope with your feelings of guilt, and cravings for acceptance and validation from men based on your sex appeal. There just may be no getting around it, without professional help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsometimes i feel like i owe them b/c of the attention im getting and other times im just mad at the guy who doesn't like me so I go for it. I also sometimes go for it when it's something different, like a new race or a very nice looking man. I love knowing that a good looking guy likes me. It def boosts my self esteem and personal issues a lot. My personal problem is i wana be married and have kids, and since that isn't happening, i'm jjust in this terrible rut and i should just 'live it up.' But i don't even enjoy it afterward. It does feel like I am just masturbating with another body. It is not even fun while i am in the middle of it. I should stop but I am stuck in a terrible cycle and meeting guys who don't respect me in the end.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2013): Reading the most resent comments you've made below, I now understand more where you're coming from.
You can't be every guy's dream, so don't sweat it. Don't just have meaningless sex to boost your self-esteem. You'll get the opposite effect; because frustration was the real emotion behind doing it.
From all the categories of guys you describe, it sounds pretty much like the usual dating "medicine cabinet" we all have. There is a type that offers the temporary "relief" we're looking for at the time. You're describing lovers on the rebound.
They satisfy your needs for the moment. They have little reason to be around once you have your release. They usually know their purpose, and want pretty much the same.
You may not notice, but most of the aunts can relate to what you're saying.
You have to realize that you shouldn't act chiefly on the heat of the moment. It causes you distress. If you like a lot of attention, then don't confuse "attention" with "attraction." They're not the same thing.
You can get any guys attention, but real attraction might take more effort than just your looks.
Stop being defined by your image and sexual prowess; and rely more on your personality, and you'll see things differently. You'll also get different results.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 December 2013):
Nothing wrong in enjoying attention, but what IS wrong (and you know this) is that you seem to think that ANY ATTENTION will do. Which means you will sleep with a guy just because he payed attention to you? Am I reading you right?
And that you often seem to end up with the guys you don't want, but because they give you attention you "pay" back in "trade". And this makes you miserable.
You do know, that if a guys pay attention to you at a club you can still go home alone - just SUCK up all the attention and leave, right? You don't OWE a guy who pays you attention sex. Even if he pays for your drinks. If you feel you somehow owe a guy then you need to retain your brain. Buy your own drinks if that helps.
If alcohol is a factor, you are feeling good from the attention and your guard is lowered by a nice buzz, then maybe NOT drinking alcohol is an option.
As for the guys you really respect, well you basically don't ALLOW yourself to put them in the pool of potential dates. You rather put them up on some unrealistic pedestal, my guess is you have some sense of low self worth. Like because you RESPECT them, you don't deserve them? You make yourself unavailable to them by pretending to be proper and prudish and you get no where. I'm not saying to start sleeping with a guy you hold in respect, but maybe in subtle ways let him know you are interested.
Have you considered that you act that way because in YOUR mind a GOOD guy would expect that behavior from a girl they would want to date?
Don't "sell" yourself short.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSee, there are guys I put in categories. There's the guys who mean nothing except sex, guys that I'm not attracted to and just friends, guys that like me but I dont like back, and the most difficult ones, the guy I really like but doesn't like me back. The guys I really like are guys I have a very high level of respect for. I'm a bit of a prude with them. I'd never flirt or show them this sexual side. I genuinely am interested in them. But it never works out. So my frustration and anger and also feeling rejected makes me go for guys who DO hive me temporary satisfaction. But the whole time I'm thinking of the guy I like. I've tried getting over it, being strong but nothing works. I over fantasize them in my head and end up disappointed because my hopes and expectations. I'm a cool girl and guys do like me as a friend or lover. I'm just not interested. Sometimes I wanna shut all guys out of my life but Facebook doesn't help because guy friends want to talk to me. I get personal with them too, pretty quick. I'm an open book. I usually meet guys I semi hook up with at clubs, brach parties and bars. I love attention I'm the girl who has an audience on the dance floor so I enjoy clubbing but I never dance sexually with guys at clubs. I also seek new friends as I'm very friendly and need constant approval from everyone. Idk I want yo calm down a bit because I feel bad after but I also love being the center of attention especially if I'm not getting it from the one guy that matters the most!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2013): I was going to leave my opinion, but after reading all comments I don't have anything else to say, honeypie and a couple of anonymus aunties are spot on. My advice is listen to them, if you keep living that life style you will regret it harder someday.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 December 2013):
Have you ever tried to get to know a person you slept with? Or a guy BEFORE sleeping with him? Obviously you don't have a problem taking them TO bed but everything else you do seem to not be able to grasp.
You have never had a male friend? Or a boyfriend? Just one night stands?
And where do you met these guys, that might factor n too, do you drink when you met them?
Maybe you should TRY and abstain from sex and SEE if you can actually GET to know a person BEFORE sex. Because for most people that element brings another level to sex when you are good and ready.
It sounds a little like you only seek instant gratification. That you could do for yourself really. You are basically masturbating with someone's body. Because you say it's meaningless. See what I get at?
I think you MIGHT want more then what you "let" yourself have. For whatever reason you need to accept that you can give more then just sex.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI love all of your on depth responses. Yes, I dont think it's truly me and I always regret it. But beforehand I dont think at all. All I think in my head is He's hot and I'm curious about him in bed. But its caused a lot of anxiety and depression after. Its a weird cycle. I dont do it often and I dont even go all the way. But if I do oral or whatever I'm like what have I done? I dont understand why I feel that way but my heart hates it so why do I keep doing it every few months?? What do I do next time a hot guy wants to sleep with me and I'm not in a comited relationship? I am now learning this emotional bond with people but I'd say I'm not a relationship girl. I just don't know how to get to know people without jumping them soon after and feeling s^^^^y after. No, I have no childhood issues. My parents are lovely and extremely conservative. But I dont wanna base my decisions off of religion or values but from how I feel! And I just dont feel right after. I feel so much guilt and hurt. But Ita so easy to get into bed. Wtf!
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 December 2013):
I have learned many things in life, one of the more important things goes to regrets. IF you know something you are wanting to do or thinking you will do and you KNOW beyond doubt that you WILL regret it (maybe you have done the same thing in the past and STILL deal with regrets) then the BEST thing you can do it NOT repeat it.
Regrets are useless for the most part. In some cases though they act like a anchor for our moral compass, not only what society says, what you beliefs say, but what you know is right for you. Of course your upbringing and religion will play on your emotions too. Your values and morals are usually based on what you learned was right and wrong. Sometimes we do the opposite of what we saw growing up because we saw the effects and didn't like the results - which might be why you feel this need for a "sexual revolution or rebellion" for YOURSELF.
So IF you feel like CRAP afterwards then it's not as meaningless FOR YOU as you WANT it to be.
Personally, I don't think sex should be meaningless. It's a rather INTIMATE action that require SOME level of attraction and, hopefully, trust. For some it involves a lot more, but basically you should have at least that.
I think this is where MEN and WOMEN differ.
MEN do not need to "trust" a woman to keep him safe and not violate him. WOMEN do. Maybe that is why WOMEN tend to put more into sex and take more out, emotionally (not that men don't, when they are in a relationship but for casual sex they really don't have the same needs to be filled. JUST the sexual gratification.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2013): Our inner-struggle isn't always guilt, young lady. It's called conscience and conviction. You have beliefs, and although it seems easy to others; there is nothing wrong with the fact it isn't easy for you. You can be sexually liberated without yielding to impulsive sex. People do a lot of things because of peer pressure, popular trends,or the lack of self-control. We also experiment.One of the reasons we have parents, role models, and other positive influences in our lives; is for guidance, and to save us from self-destruction. When you feel bad or guilty about casual sex, it isn't always because of being a prude. If you feel dirty, it may be because you did it when you really didn't want to.You have a healthy sense of self-value. You are programmed to preserve your self-respect. You're not inhibited, just not a slave to your sexual impulses. We can't touch all that the eyes desire. You're listening to logic.Maybe meaningless sex isn't really right for you; because you're just not that kind of lady.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 December 2013):
 If you feel awful afterwards, then don't do it. If it's a struggle to reconcile your actions with your beliefs, then don't do it. If you can't figure out how to stop doing it, then see a mental health professional.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPersonally, I feel extremely guilty about it and I'm not sure why. Its like my head is saying do it but my heart is saying no. I listen to my head instead of heart and then regret. Maybe I regret because I do come from strict household, I have religious morals, I believe in marriage and love but I also think because its not happening I should just do this for the time being. Afterward I feel pretty empty and useless. But before I do it I just think, well I've never been with a French guy, and I've never seen abs like those before. But if I continue doing that, I'll feel so slutty. Maybe I'll feel slutty because of social stigma, my future husband not liking it, or me feeling bad for not giving my body to him alone. I also feel I'm losing that emotional bond and just seeing sex as a way to orgasm and that's it but it feels so empty. Idk, I just love attention from male but I think its nice but guys probably just see me as easy to get and unclassy and a player. I like showing people that I still scored and I'm hot! But I also dont want that. I'm struggling with this.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2013): Eveyrone, let's please all remember the "double standard" gets doubly enforced. If men magically stopped holding a double standard, it would remain alive and well because women do just as much to uphold it.
Promiscuous women get at least as much flak from other women as they ever do from men. And lots of women sleep with promiscuous men because deep down they find it an attractive male trait no matter how much they try to deny feeling that way.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2013): You do it. Us guys embrace girls like you. No drama, just sex. You go girl.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 December 2013):
 What's wrong with having meaningless sex with someone you never want to see again.
- Nothing. We're sexual creatures. It's natural.
I'm a sexual person who loves being touched by men. Is it bad to have sex with them if you use protection?
- It's not bad to have sex without using protection, and it's not bad to use protection. It's not about right or wrong in this case, it's about being careful with your health and about whether or not you want a baby. The question is related to this one "Is it good or bad to wash your hands after using the toilet". It's not about good or bad, it's about what's hygienic and good for your health (and others health). Moral doesn't have a place in this.
Why is there such a stigma to meaningless sex?
- There is not a stigma to meaningless sex. There is a stigma for WOMEN to have casual sex. And that, dear you, comes from patriarchy. Read up on feminism, you should get your questions answered.
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female
reader, like I see it +, writes (1 December 2013):
 In a perfect world there would not be a double standard about casual sex. Those who wanted it could have it, regardless of gender; those who didn't could abstain, and neither side would judge the other as being sluts or prudes for their choices.
Unfortunately we as women, even Western women, live in a world where until very recently women were considered their fathers' property until marriage and their husbands' property thereafter. If you think about it, their virginity wasn't really considered "theirs" to lose. Their male relatives were supposed to protect it and only allow the women out with chaperones so that said virginity could be safely delivered to its rightful owners, the women's future husbands. Heck, in some countries this is still the case!
So considering that Americans held this viewpoint almost across the board as little as a century ago, and given that we all absorb at least a little of the household and environment we're raised in, it's not all that surprising that vestiges of these attitudes have trickled down through the generations and still persist in society today. Is it fair? No. Viewed objectively, possession of a penis shouldn't be a get-out-of-jail-free card in terms of sexual activity, but the reality is that men have history on their sides whereas women don't.
I don't bring this up to suggest that you shouldn't have casual sex or that there's anything wrong with casual sex between consenting adults. I just want to offer an explanation as to why there are people out there, even today, who will try to shame and judge you for it in a way they would not do to a man.
If YOU are content, practice safe casual sex, and have your needs fulfilled by doing so, you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about, and you don't owe it to anyone to justify or change your preferences.
Good luck and best wishes :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2013): It's your choice, nothing wrong with that. But for me even if I wanted just one night stands I wouldn't choose as I cannot relax with a man that I don't know enough to get a orgasm . Ok, touching is nice, but what about me getting what they are getting. Also, if you just go around banging anyone, your sensitivity toward sex will be lost. you will become indifferent to your partner and no emotional attachment will ever form. It's not what you want now, but one day you will want to be with one man. Promiscuity never did anyone any good, health wise and emotionally.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2013): If you can live with it, good question. If you're not worried about the opinion of others, there is nothing at all wrong with it. As a man, I have no problem being a sex-object. I eventually do crave meaning and affection. My feelings do tend to surface when someone comes along that inadvertently ignites unexpected chemistry. Sh*t happens like that.You are free to live by your own rules. Only drawback is, the negative opinion of others isn't always the only consequence. Your mental and physical health are are put at risk. If meaningless sex becomes frequent, and a chosen lifestyle. Incidental encounters are a matter of timing.Deliberately trolling about for meaningless sex might be a sign of a sexual addiction.Let me kill the myth. All men are not always having meaningless sex. They have consensual sex without wanting a long-term commitment with every sex partner. Getting sex is work. It doesn't just come so easily. If it happens often, it's based on the ratio of available horny women. It never happens as often as most men brag.Unless they are super hot and have pockets bulging with cash, most don't get that many women. One being, the stigma you describe. If you're talking about the raging hormones of guys under 25, you can form some wild opinions about guys. Most will be anecdotal, and bear very little scientific evidence.We masturbate a lot more than we have sex with an actual partner. When we have sex regularly available, it remains our treasured alternative. Trust me on that.Many guys are legends in their own minds. They lie about how much they get it. So we gained the stigma of being cheaters,pigs, and dogs. We leave after the sting; because it depends on what we're looking for at the time. Some even use the dog stigma as their defensive argument. Like the abuse-excuse. Really, dudes!?Most women don't want to be seen as cheap and easy. Men don't take kindly to being lumped together as mindless sex-crazed maniacs. Our plumbing and physiology is totally different from a female. We also think differently.Our minds are inherently wired to seek multiple partners.Because it is a primal instinct, we don't mindlessly give in to the impulse. Nor do we turn down a good opportunity.As far as meaningless sex, it's a matter of self-respect, and a desire to be cared for. This includes men.If your self-esteem is intact, and you aren't dragging around an untreated mental disorder, or you're not the victim of sexual/emotional abuse. You recover from one-night stands without any emotional effect.Frequent meaningless sex is usually indicative of a emotional defect. It's symptomatic of a possible psychological disorder. Men who are usually narcissistic and have other issues, use women like they're disposable. Just to get off. Men are not misogynistic by nature. The majority of us are horny, not mentally defective. Some women may argue this point. It's totally subjective.There are misguided and overblown stereotypes of what manhood and male-sexuality should be. Machismo. Just like the sultry and seductive woman. Media-farce.I take offense when it is generalized that's how men are.The opinion we're dogs should be limited to the therapeutic conversation over cocktails shared by gay men or scorned women, who have been vexed by a player.Who says society doesn't care? There is an active movement against such behavior. Frustration and cynicism may exaggerate the propensity in men. The ratio of men who are like that, to men who aren't; can't be proven scientifically. Seriously!? Who would respond to such a survey honestly? Who doesn't want to be considered a stud?In spite of the myth, men like being cared for too. They just don't think they have to marry, or be committed to every lady (or guy) who wants to have consensual sex.Society in America doesn't hold those outdated views anymore. If you count organized religion, and the older age-groups; then you will find more conservative views.These groups are by far more self-righteous and hypocritical than not. The vast majority of adults (regardless of culture and religion) have had, or will have, premarital sex. Yet they throw religious doctrine at everybody else about the sin that it is. Only women can't hide if they've lost their virginity. If you're in the States, that's a rarity in adult females over the age of 21.A major point being, men don't get pregnant. The risk of STD's is higher with the frequency of partners, and their anonymity makes it harder to track them down once you're infected. They should be notified to protect other potentially unsuspecting people from spreading infection.Gay people had to learn the hard way. We learned that promiscuity or frequent meaningless sex cost us a lot of our young friends and family in the mid-80's to 90's. That was when AIDS virus was most predominant and lethal in the gay community. Straight people actually believe it's a "gay disease" and don't always use protection. Even worse, many have had a lot of unprotected hetero-sex; and have never been tested for HIV!!!I'd say, just for your own protection. It's okay when an occasion arises. It shouldn't be a habit. There is such thing as "too much of a good thing." I'd say anyone who can't form meaningful relationships has issues they should seek therapy for. Regardless of gender or sexual orientation.
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female
reader, shna  +, writes (1 December 2013):
 There is nothing wrong with it !! U can only look at this topic woth a feminist opinion because men can do this every night of the week and be called a hero but when a woman does it shes a slut/whore/ dirty.!I think a lot of men also don't want to be with a woman long term who is active sexually there is nothing wrong with what your doing as long as you are happy in your life !! I never found one night stands satisfying like it was sex but just that! I think when you're in a relationship you have sexual intimacy, emotional contact and a lot of bonding which make it more enjoyable! Thats just my opinion! As long as you're using protection open and honest with these sexual partners and your making sure that your not getting involved in anyones relationship or causing drama between two potential loves then carry on with what your doing! As long as it makes you happy.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (1 December 2013):
 Feminism would tell you it's your body and you can do whatever you like, but we are still living in a patriarchal world and you have to worry about what the next nice guy thinks. There are nice guys who won't ask what you did before him but there are a lot who would mind. Many people still can't understand that there are people who can do love and sex, at different times in life, at the same time in life. It's their rigid thinking that makes them put people into boxes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2013): My GF had that attitude for a little while when she was single. The problem came when we got serious. Sex with her never felt emotionally close like it did with other women, it just felt like getting off. She was emotionally close to me in general but the sexual act never had that element to it. Then later I found out she had cheated with several male friends while we were together. After a lot of counseling we both came to the conclusion that she knew sleeping with other people was wrong in her mind. But sex and feelings are not linked with her anymore and she could not emotionally feel why it was wrong to sleep with someone else while "committed" to me. She felt it was wrong to hurt me but I wasn't getting hurt if I didn't find out. Since she was unable to feel like it was really wrong when nobody found out, the temptation became too much to resist. Does everyone who sleeps around casually lose the ability to have meaningful sex? No. But my GF did. It didn't even take very long or very many casual partners to do it either. She had still intended to be a virgin until marriage at the age of 19 or 20. By 22 sex had been totally separated from emotions with her. That was 2 years ago. Now I am pretty sure she is faithful because she respects the principle of the thing and sees the hurt it caused me. But the actual link between sex and emotional attachment to her has never come back.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2013): If that's how you feel then no one on here can really change your mind .. I'm like aunty em . I'm nearing forty and have had just one partner my hubby .. Have three kids .. But I do go out clubbing with friends and I don't judge if they decide to see some guy for random sex .. What I do say is this guy will never see you again, he will not respect you, you as a female will not get patted on the back or high fived .. He will not take you home to meet his mama or family..Truth is, random sex gets you a reputation . How do I know this, one of my friends was a sexual free agent until she had random guys who she hadn't picked coming up to her and asking for sexually favours while we were out .. She was disgusted at themBut as I pointed out, they felt she was easy so anyone could have a go ..Girls are still labelled in today's society .. We are raising one boy n two girls and being honest I am not strict strict but they have been told I myself will not think highly of them unless they are in a relationships .Condoms break it is not 100% proof therefore any thing can slip in and I'm not just meaning the making of a baby but any disease .You take your life in your own hands when you play with a loaded gun .. That is what you do when you have numerous sex partner whether you use protection or notTake care sweetie .. Make wise choices
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (1 December 2013):
 Are you asking or telling?
Do as you like, it's your life and you are responsible for your own actions...so do it.
If it has any negative effect on you, maybe then you can come back for advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2013): There's nothing wrong with it as long as it is genuinely mutually consensual. It is hard to fully know if the other person is only wanting a one night stand or more, even if the initial instigation seems flirty and purely sexual. That is something you have to judge yourself. Very often, one night will lead to potential desires for more than just sex and can leave one party member lonely or disappointed. I personally believe sex creates a bond even if it is unintentional. But as you are someone that does not feel this, it simply proves that everyone is different. My girlfriend went through a stage where she was sleeping with people after losing her virginity in a way she did not want. She was sleeping around to prove something to herself and the idea had become meaningless. She now regrets that (not that i'm saying you will) and says she never enjoyed the process as it was due to insecurities and there was no real connection there. Once again though, everyone is different. My advice is to do whatever you want sexually as long as you are safe but be careful to pick your partners and try not to hurt any feelings along the way. Sex and sexuality is individual and a fragile thing in some people even if they don't show signs of it. All the best!
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