A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:It's my birthday coming up, I arranged a party and invited all my friends. More than half simply ignored the invitation. Most of the others, those I consider really close friends, one by one are pulling out. They said initially they would 'try' and make it, but now one by one they are sending messages telling me what they are doing instead. Maybe they have got friends coming to stay, the office party is on that weekend, their partner needs them to be somewhere or they have already arranged something with another friend. Actually the only person who is coming now is my brother, and he's kind of obligated. I know it's a busy time of year, but I always make an effort to go to other people's events.I went to my friend's 40th birthday in Holland. She ignored my invitation.I went for a meal in London to see a friend, he ignored my invitation until I sent him a follow-up text to ask him to confirm or not. Then he said he would play it by ear on the day.I went to London to my friends' engagement drinks 2 weeks ago, they ignored my invitation.I went up to see three other sets of friends who invited me up to London, all ignored my invitation.Another girl writes back first off saying she may be going to Norway that weekend but if not then she will come. Yesterday she sent me a message saying she is not going to Norway but some friends are staying so she can't make it. Then she says, let me know when you're next up in London and we can catch up.Basically it's either no acknowledgement whatsoever, or an excuse, or say they will try and come but then back out.I feel like stopping making any effort at all with these people. I know it's a busy time of year but I feel as if people love having me around when I go to see tham, but aren't willing to put themselves out for me. It makes me feel quite sad and let down. I don't know if anyone has any advice about how to deal with these feelings. Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2013): It's the original poster here. I decided to just accept I'm not that important to them and get on with my life. It's really disappointing but I'm letting it go. I'm not going to put myself out for any of them anymore. Some I've outright deleted off the phone. I've left Facebook. I think I've been clinging to the past. I am new in this town, i guess I have been trying to bring my past life into the present. It's hard for people to make the effort to come here unless they really do care. I wasn't sure whether to confront people, but decided to let it go. What's to be gained? Last night I went and played guitar at an open mic, which I love doing. Instantly I was chatting to 5 or 6 guys who included me in their group and wanted me to stay out. I'm not socially awkward or a drain, I'm good fun. Just time to move on. Thanks for your answers. They are all really sensitive and caring, and made me think. Thanks
A
female
reader, desiree075  +, writes (2 December 2013):
OK, I am going to be straight up with you too and it may sound harsh, but I hope it helps in the long run. This is the point of view I am coming from: My friend Jill has a friend named Anna. Anna has been getting on Jill's nerves lately: She's interruptive, her company comes with sob stories, and she's over-all selfish and annoying. Jill has decided to cut her out of her life.I was over at Jill's house and she said to me, "Anna invited me to her birthday on FB, but I don't want to go. First of all, she's annoying and I don't want to be her friend anymore. Secondly, look at her invitation." She showed me her invitation and it was a much longer version of this:"Hi Guys, Please come to my birthday. We can either do a theme party or do this or this or this. Whatever you want. For food, we can do this or this or this, whatever everyone wants. Opinions are welcome, maybe we can put it on a vote. Guys, please please please come to my party, it will mean alot to me. I have had a really shitty year and it would sooth me immensely to see you all on my birthday. Lemme know."In favour of Anna, I argued that this invitation leaves alot of choices to the guest, so isn't it nice to be able to have a say?Jill agreed that that may be okay, but it would have actually been better if Anna was more assertive about what SHE wanted to do on her own birthday. She wanted me to compare Anna's invitation with her own, which was:"Hi Everyone!Come to my birthday! I will have a giant pot of sangria. Alcoholic and nutritional contributions are welcome. There will be a performance by my roommate's awesome band. Bring hugs and love!"And surely enough, her invitation did sound alot more fun and confident. Personally, I think that Jill should have gone to Anna's birthday. Even if she plans to cut her out of her life, she could have extended it by a day. Everyone deserves to feel special on their birthday. I think it's lame that your friend decided to "play it by ear", and clearly they couldnl't even make the effort to come up with a better lie. But this is my opinion and not everyone thinks like I do. Also you could argue that it's better to not show up at all than to come out of pity. So I suppose my first question is: What was your invitation like? Did it sound like a party that people would actually want to go to, or would only go so that you won't feel lonely? Were you decisive in what kind of a party it will, or did you hope your friends would help you figure out what is cool and fun?Secondly, it might be true that they don't like your personality. If that's the case and you want it to change, you could figure out what it is. I don't know you at all, so for all I know you are really charming, funny and intelligent, or you are boring, manipulative and self-absorbed. Therefore, please take all I say with a grain of salt, I don't mean disrespect. Anyway, if it is something about you that people don't find appealing, you could listen and find out what you're missing and work on that. Are you easily happy for people? Do others' success bring you down? Do you ask annoying questions? Do you take yourself too seriously? Are you so easily offended that people have to walk around eggshells when talking to you? Do you listen well? Do you give off anxious vibes? Are you arrogant?I had alot of friends push me away, and when I confronted one about it, she said it was because I was really needy and calling too often. Another friend admitted the same thing, so even though I don't think I'm clingy (people are used to getting texts, as opposed old-fashioned calls which makes them uncomfortable), I learned to be more independent and it has served me really well. I cannot change the world, only myself, so if I call once and no one answers, I never call back. I hate texting, but I'll do it very minimally. I don't think any of my current friends would complain about my clinginess anymore. In general, people are much more eager to hang out with me. Anyway, if the second scenario is the case, don't be hard on yourself. You are human, accept your shortcomings and use them to become a better person. It's going to hurt at first, but you will be stronger and more aware in the long run. Thirdly, maybe people are just very busy with the holiday season and don't value your birthday as much as you do. In which case, don't go out of your way to go to their events. That way you won't resent them as much when they don't come to yours. And who knows, it might make them miss your presence and actually show up. Anyway, this is long enough. I hope all this helps. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, GrowingWings  +, writes (1 December 2013):
Let me start off by saying advanced happy birthday (if it hasn't passed by this time).I'm going to be straight with my answers. It's either they don't treat/value you the same way you do to them, or, they have problems with you. I know that sounded offensive, sorry, but I can tell you that with a straight face because I went through that. If you want to know the truth, why not have an open forum with your "really close friends"? Tell them you won't take it in a bad way, but as constructive criticism. And you have to. Now, if it's not about you, well then they're not worth your time. Friendship is a two-way street. In fact, the only difference in a relationship and friendship is the intimacy. The commitment is almost the same; if you're committed to your friend you'd find ways to go, or make it up to them somehow. If they didn't, they don't deserve the effort you give them.If the problem is not you, steer clear. Find new friends. Effort should be equal, not one-sided. As for your feelings, do something that interests you. Preferably an activity that allows you to meet new people. Just something to take your mind off them. Hope this somehow helps, and goodluck :)
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A
female
reader, Brokenv +, writes (1 December 2013):
Honestly that is sad. I feel sad for you. My birthday is December 31. The first birthday party I ever had was a surprise party when I turned 30! It was a great evening. I really appreciate it.I never had birthday cake. As I have become older I have requested a cake. I believe it is important to recognize your day or do it another night. I totally understand how you feel.I would be totally disgusted with my so call friends. I understand that things come up but one of your friends told you he will play it by ear. Next time he invites you to something please return the favour.Enjoy your birthday with your brother! Have a great time! Don't let your friends ruin your special day.Happy Birthday!!
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