A
female
age
36-40,
*ula
writes:My question is: Do you expect people to reciprocate your invites to dinner, brunch, lunch or a mere cup of coffee? I don't do it because I expect it, but since I have a particular taste and healthy diet needs, I tend to invite people over if the time of day requires a meal..., Only to be met with a total silence and almost never hear from them again. Is this a sign that I'm a bad cook, which I have been assured I am not, or is it a question that these people did not get on well with me?! Mind you, no romantic persuits are among such ivites. Just friends or a ladies coffee mornings...Film night for the girls. When I invite people over, I know them for some time, and would have normally gone out with them over coffee or drinks...Or could it be that people think my house and manners are too posh for them to keep up with? I seriously don't understand the fact that I don't get invited back ever!!! I don't expect exact reciprocation but I don't understand who accept invites without putting an effort to get to know me better and possibly reciprocate with a simple gesutre of humanity which doesn't really cost much ( this is a town which I've lived in for over two years now). Anh and I don't prepare exotic dishes and they eat the food ..!? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tula +, writes (31 May 2014):
Tula is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Tisha1 for your time and tips. Just to let you know, that I lived in this country for more than 8 years now, but the people in the South are a bit boisterous and very friendly, however, I find it weird that once invited even for cup of coffee at a cafe, they never reciprocate. I find that a bit strange on a human level, and it hasn't happened once, but repeatedly. When I am back in England, Scotland or my homeland Ireland, I don't have a problem with that whatsoever! Thirty years ago, these very people were still farming the mountains...they are so closed and not well-read not even in their own culture. I read most works of their literature, poetry, talked to local and the learned, and felt the difference. I have no remedy for them if they are so ignorant and closed. I have lived and travelled extensively and I've made friends in other parts of the world and here, only a few seem to fit the bill! I seem to get on well with the expats, too bad there aren't many in this town though...Much peace and excuse me if I sound too fussy.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (30 May 2014):
 And now I have re-read some of your earlier posts where you were annoyed that someone was pooping in your toilet http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-go-on-being-not-the.html and then you had the mooching friend http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-dont-know-how-to-handle-this-relationship.html
And then you had the friends who mentioned your skin color! http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-it-wrong-for-a-friend-to-mention.html wow!
The annoying landlady: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/should-i-tell-her-im-studying-so-that.html
Perhaps you have expectations of people that are a bit unrealistic? You seem to be annoyed by friends and neighbors but don't know why it is that they do what they do and don't know how to handle it.
You say you "speak their tongue quite well but no one seems to digest" you. Maybe you aren't digesting them? You are after all the new one in town. Rather than expect them to adapt to your expectations and cultural norms, you should take the time to find out theirs?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 May 2014):
Hi Tula, I wonder if you have come up against one of those cultural differences, you had something like this going on in this question: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-is-small-talk.html which leads me to speculate that you don't know what to make of them (the locals) just as they don't know what to make of you.
Some cultural sensitivity would probably help a lot. As you are the foreigner in a strange land and not familiar with the local customs and expectations, even after a number of years, you would do yourself a favor by finding a group of expats. In other words, find the other foreigners in the town/area who can explain what is going on.
Despite the fact that we can get on an airplane and fly to another country in a short time, we don't necessarily know or understand the mores and expectations of the locals when we move in. Being a tourist is one thing, being a resident another.
Find the local expat group and go ask these questions there! It will help.
P.S. If you are pre-diabetic you may want to watch the intake of carbohydrates, check with your doctor!
Good luck with settling into a new culture!
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A
female
reader, Tula +, writes (30 May 2014):
Tula is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all for taking the time to reply with advice. I just think they're not happy to keep my company since I'm a foreigner in their town and so I fear I am lost in translation.
I speak their tongue quite well, however, nobody seems to digest me here. When I first arrived, I was told that a friend from the North of this country is worth 10 from the South, given their infidelity and rather closed nature.
I'm not an arrogant person, in fact I'm too pleasant I fear I made a mop of myself. I will compromise myself no more.
I thank you all again, especially Honeypie as she summed it up, best to stick to public places, that way I keep what's to myself to myslef.
The only reason I'm a bit of a fussy eater is that I only eat fish and veg and some pasta or potatoes. I'm also pre-diabetic.
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A
male
reader, RevMick  +, writes (28 May 2014):
 Hi Tula,
You shouldn't do it just to expect them to do it back. I tend to think that you are coming across as too forward either that or you aren't a very good dinner guest.
I would drop it for a while and see if the invites flood in.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (28 May 2014):
 Its a tricky question to answer without knowing more information about your friends and their situations.
"Or could it be that people think my house and manners are too posh for them to keep up with? "
I'm very sorry if this is a bit hurtful, but that statement does sound a little arrogant. Sometimes when we are invited to someone's home for a meal, a film or for drinks we can come away with the feeling that the evening was about the host rather than us. We can be left with the impression, rightly or wrongly, that we have been invited along so we can be impressed by their home, their décor and their cooking skills and that we are there to compliment and be impressed. That's part of entertaining of course, but maybe the people you invited felt that it was more about you than them?
If the occasions are too formal or you make too much effort to impress that could be the problem.
"I seriously don't understand the fact that I don't get invited back ever"
Maybe your situation and life is different to your friends? Perhaps you have the time and energy to cook, organise and entertain, while your friends may enjoy being wined and dinned by you, they don't have the inclination, time or energy to do the same for others.
Perhaps you go too far with the formalities or make so much effort that you make your guest feel that they cannot compete. Not everyone likes to be a host. My ex girlfriends parents could entertain a nation of people, with different styles and needs at the same time, no problem. They had all the different knives, forks, serving tongs, you name it they would bring it out, even if it was a simple meal. Everything was formal, well presented and like being in a restaurant. They were great at it an I admired them for it, but my parents are the opposite. My mom goes to pieces in a situation like that. She is a simple cook, with simple tastes and wouldn't have a clue about which knife goes with which course and so on. Also we have to be careful as we have a small dog so parties and entertaining is hard as people leave the door open and don't look before sitting down. So not everyone likes to entertain, even if they enjoy being entertained by others.
What kind of food do you cook? You say you have a special diet but are you happy to accommodate others needs in that respect? I'm the worlds fussiest eater and for that reason I would decline a meal even if cooked by the worlds greatest cook as there's a 99.9% chance I would not eat it. You say they eat the food but is that because they love it, or are being polite? Your idea of an exotic dish maybe something very different from your friends if that makes sense?
Obviously there's always an element of some people being happy to come along when invited, or even when not invited, to enjoy drinks and food at someone else's expense, while never wanting to do the same for others. Equally you should do that kid of thing because you want to do it and get enjoyment from it, not because you expect something in return. You may be making the mistake of appearing to be trying to hard to make friends?
In future maybe try less hard, perhaps go for a less formal, more relaxed situation. Being a great host, a terrific cook and inviting lots of people round is great, but you also need to be aware that not everyone likes to be invited for a sit down meal or to watch a film that will be played at a certain time. More relaxed occasions tend to make people feel more at ease, especially if they are in the company of others they don't know very well.
Mark
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2014): I think you might be trying too hard and are putting people off as they don't feel at ease. Try sticking to coffee and restaurant meals outside the house. I personally don't like going to people's homes as I don't feel I can leave when I want to without seeming rude and much prefer a restaurant meal with defined times.
You are obviously going to a big effort to make things nice for your friends and it clearly matters to you but for the moment stick to outside places and build up to them coming round.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 May 2014):
 I would just stick to meeting out on the town for now. For coffee, movies, dinners and what not.
Or try a potluck sort of thing with MORE then one person?
You might be coming off as too formal.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2014): You may scare people off. Try a gentler approach.
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