A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I wanted to share my point of view on attraction in relationships. Obviously there has to be attraction for a relationship to work. But in my opinion, go for someone you're moderately attracted to over someone you're insanely attracted to. Meaning don't go for someone who makes you want to jump their bones whenever you see them. My reasoning?Someone I'm moderately attracted to is someone I can be comfortable around. I'm attracted enough to him to be with him, but not so much that I freak out over every little thing. I don't get jealous or insecure when he looks at other women, porn, or even if a woman flirts with him. I'm not concerned if he saw women who are "more" attractive than me during his day, or if he fantasizes about them. I don't feel embarrassed if I'm seen by him on a day where I don't look or feel real great. I'm not afraid he'll judge me over something superficial like a bad hair day or a few pimples, because I'm not affected by his opinion as much as I would be with someone I'm constantly lusting over.I'm married to a man for 4 years I'm moderately attracted to. The only problem is I feel guilty because he is way more attracted to me than I am to him. And he thinks I feel the same, because obviously I can't be honest about such a thing. Having to lie makes me feel even more guilty. It has made me consider my way of thinking is flawed. What do you think? What is more important to you; being comfortable, or having an equal level of attraction in a relationship?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2014): "How about simply getting over the insecurity issues first, BEFORE entering a relationship, that way you don't have to date down?"@Ilifton-Good question, although I don't have a good answer. I've tried, but nothing has worked this far. I even talked to a therapist when I was a teen still living at home, because my dad was concerned about my insecurity. The fact is, I can't help I wasn't born attractive. It's not a matter of losing weight, or wearing makeup can fix, either. I'm not overweight, nor do I have bad skin. It's hard to explain. If I could send you a picture, it would make more sense to you. I'd be willing to bet you'd agree with me although you would probably not be able to place WHY I'm unattractive. "You are being selfish in that you don't want to expend the effort needed to find someone who you love who loves you back."@So_Very_Confused-It's not that I don't want to, it's that I have and it ended in disaster. I know it's selfish and even unfair, and that's why I'm here because what I originally thought was a great solution isn't working. I also wanted to know if anyone else thinks like I do, and if they were able to make it work.@anyone who wants to answer-I guess what I should be asking is what do I do now? Do I let go of a man who I love, and who I AM attracted to even if I do find myself more attracted to others? Thanks again for taking the time to give me your opinions.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 May 2014):
 I think you are doing yourself a huge disservice.
You have opted for someone who makes it easy because you don't care what he thinks or feels... it's not about HIM it's about your needs and wants. that's a recipe for disaster later on. You are being selfish in that you don't want to expend the effort needed to find someone who you love who loves you back.
Part of being a couple is dealing with the one you love at their worst and still thinking they are hot stuff. If you can't be comfortable with your significant other when you are at your worst, then they are not the right match for you... and yet when they are at their worst you still love them and want them.
I had major surgery when my husband and I had been dating about 6 months I only wanted HIM to take care of me afterwards. I had drains and I needed 24 hour care including help in the bathroom. He lovingly provided this care and still found me the sexiest hottest thing in the world. I remember him sitting on the couch with me and rubbing my feet.. not because I wanted my feet rubbed but because he wanted to hug and touch me and it was the only part of my body he could touch without hurting me.
Loving someone unconditionally is nicer when you are loved back the same way. Being with someone who you KNOW doesn't care as much as you do on a regular basis is painful and hurtful to the one who cares more. Yes in all relationships there is an ebb and flow and some weeks i love him more than he loves me and some weeks he loves me more than I love him... but it's NEVER all one sided like you describe.
I am betting that once your current boyfriend gets some decent self-esteem that he won't settle for you since you are just going along for the ride because it's easier for you.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (29 May 2014):
 So in other words, insecure women should date "down" so that they don't care enough about their partner to overreact to the things they normally would overreact to if they found their partner to be attractive? How about simply getting over the insecurity issues first, BEFORE entering a relationship, that way you don't have to date down?
I once dated someone who I wasn't very attracted to, and you're right, we didn't fight at all. The reason? It was because I didn't give a crap lol. And I think this is what you're alluding to; that if you're insecure, if you date someone you aren't very attracted to, you'll care less. Therefore, if you care less, you won't overreact to every little thing like you would if you fully were appropriately attracted to someone. Needless to say, my relationship didn't work out because I was busy pursuing the people I WAS attracted to.
I'm not telling you what you should or shouldn't do in your relationship. But for me, I wouldn't want to be with someone who was settling for me. I would want to know, so I could move on and find someone else who found me to be a knock out! In the same way I, too, consider them to be one. Just my two cents.
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A
male
reader, RevMick  +, writes (28 May 2014):
 Hi,
Attraction comes in lots of areas, so do interests. You can be attracted but not sexually attracted, also if you don't share the same interests it won't last very long.
You can be attracted to someones intelligence, looks, personality etc. It's the mixture of the lot that makes someone your perfect partner.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2014): *This is the OP.*I guess I should have specified that this only applies to women who are insecure about their appearance. If you're comfortable being with someone you're fully attracted to, I say go for it. I feel women like myself shouldn't, because we don't handle it well. Although more recently I have felt guilty about my choice since I'm paired with someone who is very into me. I have started to question if that's fair to him, or if I should let him do better. Of course I am very into his personality, and he is rather good looking. I can't really explain why I don't feel as strongly for him as he does me. I guess it comes down to science. Some of the guys I have felt strongly attracted to didn't even take care of their appearance. So for me, apparently it's not a stereotypical beauty I find attractive, rather something I can't explain.I used a poor choice of words when I said "insanely". I was just trying to emphasis someone you are very much attracted to. Thanks for taking the time to read my question and give your opinions.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 May 2014):
 There are a handful of attractions (I call them "compatibilities") that two people must reconcile in order to have a successful relationship/marriage. There's no set "formula" for which compatibilites must apply, and in which intensity.... just that the two people must reconcile where/when they apply - and that intensity. How else to explain people who live in "sexless" marriages? .... or who live in different locations? ... OR, explain a long-term "FWB" arrangement?
I think the compatibilities are (in no particular order):
- Attractiveness/appearance; Do you like the way your partner looks? ... smells? .... sounds?
- Energy; Do the two of you do - or want to do - the same activities? ... and with the same intensity?
- Education; Are your formal education levels similar? If not, are you each aware of, and content with the mis-match? Do you have similar inquisitiveness? ... use similar logic?
- Background; Did you grow up in similar circumstances?
.... of economy? ... community?
- Religion; Do you both have similar feelings/thoughts/ and concerns about a Supreme Being (a "deity")? Are you accustomed to worshipping in the same, or similar, groups (religions)? .. if not, can you reconcile to one-another that each can be content that this in not a deal-breaker?
- Sexuality/sensuality; Are the two of you compatible in your expectations of intimacy? ... frequency? ... activities? Do you SAY "I love you" to one-another sufficiently that one does not feel that he/she is living in a "romantic desert" .... while the other is quite content with things the way they are? (I've occasionally said that, if your partner never tells you "I love you".... LISTEN TO THEM!!!!
- Children/child-rearing; If you are going to spawn a brood, you (both) need to agree upon how this is accomplished....
- Family; Do you like - or can you, at least, tolerate - one-another's family (and friends)? If not, then this has the potential to undermine most all else. After all, the cliche, "Blood is thicker than water" did not come about in a vacuum....
I hope this gives an interesting view of the questions you've posed in your submittal. Love and romance are VERY complex subjects...
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 May 2014):
 I have to agree with the aunties Cindy and llifton.
I wouldn't, personally, settle for a guy I was only "moderately" attracted to. And I'll tell you why. If you are in it for the lang haul, and you start out with not even lurk warm attractions, I don't think it will take too long before you realize that you COULD have "done" better. And you are "settling". You hope that because it's not fireworks it won't rock the boat too much.
I want fireworks AND comfort.
Being insanely attracted to is more about lust then love, so it usually doesn't last.
If I hadn't been HIGHLY attracted to my husband I wouldn't have gone through all the changes, adaptations and compromising that led us to be together. So far we have been together for 19 years, married almost 17. I'm still attracted to him. And I have been comfortable with him fairly early on, we just sort of fit like puzzle pieces.
But, what works for me, might not work for the next woman. And what works for you, works for you. Each relationship is different.
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A
male
reader, a-dad +, writes (28 May 2014):
Attracted to means to me that I find them physically attractive, but more importantly, I find what is in their head attractive and respectful.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 May 2014):
 I think that there is no such a thing as being " moderately " attracted to a person you have a love ( and sexual ) relationship with. You'd better be very attracted , or remarkably attracted, or whatever you want to call it, but the spark has distinctly to be there. These are things that you can't exactly measure scientifically but yes, I think the attraction should be strong, and mutual.
" Insanely " attracted is not good either, as nothing insane is good.. If you are so insanely attracted that your hormons take over and make you take bad decisions against your best interest or best judgement- say, if you pile up humongous debts just to spoil and pamper the object of your desire, or if said object of desire is a serial chetaer but you always take him back because he's oh so sexy - well, that's a bit insane , so not good.
But if your attraction does not turn you into a complete fool or a doormat or a danger to society :) , I don't see a problem with being highly attracted to your partner .
As a matter of fact, I am not even sure that attraction is at the crux of your question. It sounds to me that basically you say that, the least you care about a person,the least you've got to worry- which is obvious. If you do not fear losing a person, because this person is easily disposable and easily replaceable, well, of course this takes care of many jealousies , vulnerabilities and insecurities, doesn't it ? But that would be about how you feel about him overall, not just physically.
As for what you call " feeling comfortable " I guess that's different for every person, and it seems to me that yourlevel of comfort has got to do with certain insecurities of yours , that not all women share ( They will have others, of course , just not yours specifically ).
Not everybody " freaks out over every little thing " , or considers porn actresses as competition. As for the fact that a partner could see more attractive women than me during his day ,for instance, it never crossed my mind to worry about it- but not because I am or was such hot stuff !, au contraire, because I know that OF COURSE he could see more attractive women than me during the day - that's inevitable , it's normal. So ? You don't have to be the fairest of them all to be the special and chosen one of a man .If he loves you he loves you. Even if he can SEE that Angelina Jolie looks a bit better than you.
So your recipe " low degree of attraction = comfortability and peace of mind ", may work for you personally and your own mindset, but I surely would not recommend it as a general rule...
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (28 May 2014):
I think that if you truly love someone, you DO think they are the most attractive person in the world. They go hand in hand.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2014): I would much rather be in your situation. Guys I have lots of chemistry with and feel wildly attracted to tie me in knots....
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