A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I try and try to encourage a relationship with my ex-boyfriend and our son, but every time he lets us both down. If he isn't drunk or high, he would rather be with his mates or just being a total waste of space. I'm passed the point of anger, and any love I had for my ex went long ago, but I keep agreeing to let him see our son, only for him to change his mind after a few weeks of visitation. I had our son when I was 16, I was young and you might say I am a fool for having a child with this man but he wasn't always like this. He was a great daddy at first, and up until he started hanging around with his pot smoking friends. We lived with my parents at this point and when he came home one night high and stinking of weed, I told him to leave and sort himself out. I knew he did it when he was with his friends, but I begged him not to come home like that. My parents had always disliked him, and part of me wanted to prove them wrong but that was the last straw.Anyway, in the past six years, he has missed 4 of his birthdays, all his Christmases, his first day at school and he has never spent a single day alone with him. He keeps telling me he wants to be a good dad and I fall for it each time. When he gets bored of being a daddy, he stops calling round to see him, and he stops giving me the little money he has. His family adore our boy, and they have tried to encourage me to let him see our son after he messes up again, but enough is enough!I feel like a total idiot whenever I say yes to his requests, which is normally every few months. He only sees him for a few hours a week, but now my son keeps asking when daddy is coming back and I can't take it, it breaks my heart.Should I cut off any visitation until he truly sorts himself out, if he ever does, or do I keep letting him see our boy as long as he is sober and drug free?I don't want to be a bad mum by stopping him see his dad, and my ex could be a great father, he was when our son was first born but I'm sick of waiting. All the questions my son asks, I'm the one who has to explain and I can't keep doing it.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (29 May 2014):
 I would get this all done legally. A court order for child support payments for when he works. If you are concerned about his drugging and drinking when caring for your child you can get supervised visitation ordered by the courts. Even if it's his mom and dad that supervise that would be more acceptable than worrying.
As for visitation he's trying and I would let him try as your son gets older he will learn what daddy is really about and make his own decisions to see him. I would not build his hopes up "daddy may come tomorrow" kind of stuff... in fact, I would wait till daddy calls and says "i'm on my way" till you say anything to the child. At their age time is relative anyway...
And when son asks "when is daddy coming?" the answer is "as soon as he is able but we are not sure when that will be"
it's hard to have a useless ex to parent with but it's harder to not complain about them around the child you share with them and try to make them look as good as you can for the child.
One thing I would suggest is making sure that his paternal grandparents have access to their grandson if they want it and can handle it.
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (28 May 2014):
It's time to stop expecting anything from him so you can stop being disappointed, but don't limit visitation, it'll hurt all of you. Just tell your son the truth (without being biased). If your ex loves your child, make sure that's very clear when you're explaining his behavior.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (28 May 2014):
 I'm going to back up everything honey has said and add a bit.
First legally you can't cut off visitation. Considering the addiction problems you could probably get supervised visitation. That to me would be a smart move. I also have no problem with 2 hour visits.
Next it is very good that you see that your son needs a father figure in his life, don't get to desperate to make that happen. I've seen that go wrong too many times. Right now you have a good opportunity with your ex husbands extended family. Invite grandpa to make regular visits. Here in the states we have Cub scouts which would be perfect for that. See what you can find that they could share together on a regular basis. If your son is six now make it a goal to get this regular by the time he is 8. Uncles are great too. They need to push less to get dad there and instead provide a better (more reliable) person to fill that role.
As for the ex, What you are dealing with here is an addict. Regardless of how much he may really want to be a good dad, to an addict there is only one priority and that is the next fix. I think you already understand that.
Be patient, Be firm about no showing up high or drunk. You are in this for the long haul. And watch the movie "Second Hand Lions"
FA
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 May 2014):
 I would stop telling your son that his dad is coming by (if he is planning to come by a Thursday) in case he doesn't show.
IF you son asks, tell him I don't know when he can see you again. Because that is the truth.
You have all these expectations that are totally unrealistic. He might have been a "great dad" for a little while, but that doesn't help anyone now. He could BE a great dad, but HE isn't a GREAT dad now. He is WHO he is. YOU can't MAKE him be a great dad, that is something he HAS to want to be. You ex wasn't ready to be a dad. He still isn't. THAT is not your fault.
If all your EX can handle is a few hours a week, then I would take it, as long as it is beneficial for your SON.
If it starts to feel like it has a negative effect on your son, I'd tell him (the ex) that maybe HE needs to think of his son and stay away til he is READY) for the job as a dad. ANY Tom, Dick or Harry can FATHER a child, being a DAD takes work, love and commitment.
And no you don't have to go into LONG explanations as to why his daddy isn't around. Be honest with him and tell him, I don't know and change the subject. It is not your job to make excuses for your ex. If your exes family likes to spend time with your son, I'd suggest that he can spend time with them.
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