A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My story is a little long, my major complaint is I don't believe in MEN anymore, or in my sense of judgement..My ex boyfriend, I thought he was a real angel but he didn't treat me so great. Like I would always have to be the one to call him and set up dates, if I didn't call we wouldn't meet for a month even!! My major complaint about him was communication but then we joined a gym together so we met everyday so that was okay but then later when I stopped going to the gym we didn't meet for a month and it turned out this was because he was cheating on me. He confessed and begged forgiveness. He knelt down and touched my feet in asking for forgiveness and I'm just a girl!After a break of 2 weeks I accepted him back into my life. I really believed he wouldn't do it again.. only to find that he did! Eventually we broke up and then he got engaged within 2 weeks to a woman his mother chose for him whom he didn't even know before... and now hes married to her which is fine, it doesn't bother me.There always seemed to be a deep dark side of him, he didn't smile much and was quite unpleasant over all.. (ohh and by the way, he said he doesnt believe in love..) THEN I met my current boyfriend, he is the complete opposite of my ex, he's sweet and caring, he goes out of his way to make me happy, he's very smiley and pleasant. He treats me just right, perfect in every way. I met him 6 months ago and everything has been great so far. We have never talked about being in love or anything, even I felt it's much too early for that, but we have talked about being faithful to each other and it's been made quite clear that we are in a relationship. Last night we were chatting online (we do this almost every night) and he informs me that he thinks "love is crap" and he doesn't believe in love and when I asked if he thinks it simply doesn't exist he said it exists but that he doesn't take it seriously. When I asked why he said there is no reason. I then told him that he needs to grow up and that I never knew there was such a dark side of him and that I'm shocked. He didn't say anything... I said I'm going and he said bye in the same sweet way we normally say bye before signing off, addressing me with the normal endearments as if everything is supposed to be normal. After his confession I thought that for a person to decide they don't believe in love they need to be the dark brooding kind of people but he's always so upbeat and happy and always smiling. I really don't think that it's just a front and on many occasions he has behaved in a way and done things for me that show very clearly that he does care about me so I don't understand! What should I do! What's the point of remaining in a relationship that is never going to grow into something more? IS it never going to grow into something more?? So there's this that I'm upset about..Then there's the fact of my lapse in judgement on both these occasions. Both happened one after the other, my ex and I were together for 2 years before this happened and between the time I met my current boyfriend and the time I broke up, there was a break of 6 months or so, so it wasn't a rebound relationship at all and I thought I was being very careful! I really didn't think I was getting into it with my eyes closed I tried hard to see what I was looking at when I looked at him. I feel like I'm never gonna be able to judge right and I'm always gonna be making these lapses in judgement, therefore I'm always gonna end up getting hurt. It probably has to do with confidence that I feel this way but seriously what do you expect, considering I keep making mistakes and getting with the kind of person who will hurt me? I really and truly felt this man would not hurt me. I really thought he was a very nice person, decent and caring and understanding, there was everything positive about him!! So again I was wrong?? PLEASE HELP!!
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a break, broke up, confidence, engaged, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (7 August 2007):
 Sounds like hes basically doing just that, saying theres no promises from him, if you last its a bonus.
You need to stop trying to communicate with him on the internet though. I dont think the internet holds a place in relationships. You need to be asking him in person outright.
Hes no more superior in this relationship than you remember.
C xxxx
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2007): Once a cheater, usually always a cheater. These people are always absolutely guilty-until-proven-innocent on the issue. It's true that some former cheaters can sometimes truly quit cheating, but it's not the norm at all and most of the time it accompanies other major shifts in their life & relationships. It can happen, but know that it probably won't. The problem is not to fix them or learn to accept them, the problem is to choose to spend your life around people who don't do it in the first place.
As for "no love" . . . I don't know what to think about that.
It seems to me that you're reacting to his comment about love in general as if it was an attack on YOU specifically. I don't think it was. Maybe he's jaded on love after being burned too many times. Maybe he's a pessimist. I dunno.
A lot of men are actually just as "romantic" in some ways as women, or more so. They may not seem as romantic day-to-day as women want them to be, but the percentage of men who believe in meeting & falling in love for life with the ideal woman for them is sometimes found to be higher than the portion of women who even believe in it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthere are 2 things tearing at my heart, one that he said he doesn't believe in love so where does that leave us? and why did he say that to me?? and still why is he trying to act like its not supposed to change anything, like everythin is normal? i wrote this morning on my facebook profile "things aren't always what they seem" and he responded to that also by writin on his immediately after "hmmmmmmmmmmm". we say hmm a lot and i kno for a fact it was in response to my msg, his msg is often something that concerns me.
secondly, i feel i'm a lousy judge of character
boyo9876: your email address was blocked, it didn't appear. your reply was really nice and encouraging, maybe since you are a man you would have more insight. when my boyfriend said these things to me it made me feel like maybe he's giving me an indirect message not to think of a future with him? he doesn't seem to want me to run away from him, which is what i feel like doing! but if he's tryin to make me run away, why the endearments? why the picture of normalcy?
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A
male
reader, boyo9876 +, writes (7 August 2007):
Men like your boyfriend make me mad, they give us all a bad name! This is a little strange, I can understand your confusion. Some people are scared of "love" they're worried about commitment and saying the word love...love isn't something you say it's something you feel and something you show, there is no one definition of love and from what you say he shows you 'love'. He obviously cares for you otherwise you wouldn't be together...My only advice is to talk to him face to face, ask him why he feels like this and ask him to explain what he feels for you. It may be that he does 'love' you, but he has a different idea of what love is to you...This is a strange one as on the surface it seems like he loves you.I know you must think you are a bad judge of character, but how good can we be? You take people at face value and then you get to know them slowly, it's not until we've known someone for a while that we get to know what they're like and with your ex most of us would have found ourselves in the same position. If anything you were a little naive for taking him back but love is blind and you live and learn. Don't be too hard on yourself, you were conned by a terrible man and it was in no way your fault.Summing up, communication is the key for this relationship, and the only way to get rid of your confusion is to make him talk. I wish you all the best and wud love to talk to you more about this. Drop me a mail on [email address blocked]
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A
male
reader, DJ8433  +, writes (7 August 2007):
 I would really like to respond and try to help you, but please in one sentence first, what is the main issue that is tearing at your heart? Can we discuss that and then come back to the other issues?
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (7 August 2007):
What a let down :o(Well, thats the trouble, like i said in another answer to someone, you have to take gambles in life or you stay stood still.We all beat ourselves up about someone we have been with, blimey i did it too. Was with him about a year, but from very early on i suspected he wasnt the honest type, turns out he wasnt. But i was annoyed at myself for not trusting those instincts.But if someone seems genuine, until you hear different from themselves, you would have to be extremely clever to not go along with it for so long.I wouldnt get het up about it though. You will meet someone eventually that ticks all the right boxes. I think we all just need to be a bit stronger and get to know someone for a while before deciding if we want to be with them 'forever'You have kinda done this, and thats good.Dont give up on men though, there are plenty of great guys out there that do believe in love.C xxxxxx
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