A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Yesterday when my 13 year old son asked me to sort out an issue on his iPhone I decided to have a little snoop through his messages. It felt really sly at first but I’m glad I did because I found WhatsApp messages between him and the daughter of another couple who I’m good friends with from a few weeks ago. She only lives a couple of streets away and I knew they’d been hanging around a lot recently together with other kids in our area. The messages from her were pretty explicit as well. She’s only 13 like him but had been asking him all sorts of really inappropriate questions about sex and his private area. I won’t go into detail, but it was really shocking to see that a girl so young would even have the knowledge to say the kinds of things she was saying. She even asked if he wanted to swap nudes with her, which thankfully he said no to.She sent one message that seemed completely ridiculous at first but then really worried me, it said:‘OMG I think you made me pregnant last night lol, I dunno wtd’He replied basically asking what she was on about because they hadn’t ‘done it’ and she just answered:‘Oh yeah lol, maybe next time’Of course I knew straightaway that no one could possibly know if they were pregnant the day after having sex with someone and even though he’d clearly told her she was wrong I had to ask the dreaded question to my son.He assured me they had only been kissing and nothing else, though she had tried to touch him downstairs and kept encouraging him to touch her as well. But my son said he knew it wasn’t right so didn’t and just stuck to kissing and I believed him. I’m not saying he’s been totally innocent though as he said some things he shouldn’t have done to her in all those messages and I’ve had stern words with him about that, but she was most definitely spearheading the whole thing and encouraging him. I asked him if they were boyfriend and girlfriend if they had been kissing and hanging around a lot but he said no. Apparently because he wouldn’t go further with her she wasn’t interested in him anymore and had been messaging other boys instead. ’Hallelujah’ I thought, even though he said he really liked her. But at the very least it was a learning curve for him to see that he was just being used and that girls like that are no good and are just tarts basically.At the same time though I kept thinking if I was her Dad I’d be so worried. Later that day I saw her outside a corner shop and decided to give her a few home truths about her behaviour but she just downright lied and denied everything, even though we had the messages to prove it. But she was such a disrespectful little madam it was unreal. The girl has gone completely off the rails. Normally it shouldn’t be my place and my son should be my only worry, but I’ve been friends with her Mum and Dad for years so I can't let it lie. They have said she’s been really difficult lately and playing up at home and at school, but she will literally just scream in their face whenever they try and discipline her. I do feel I have a duty to tell them about what else she’s been up to because she’s on the slippery slope to becoming a pregnant teen if nobody reigns her in. But is there any nice way of telling them their daughter is becoming a little tart? All she would do though is deny it and then inevitably there would be a big falling out. I really don’t know what to do for the best.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2022): Leave them alone. They will not believe you and they will be extremely angry with you. As for your son he will face a lot of awkward situations like this in the process of growing up and he will have to learn to face them .
A
female
reader, QueenCupcake +, writes (28 April 2022):
 It’s not really your place to say anything to her.
With regards to her family, maybe just make them aware of what happened, don’t be horrible about it, you can’t go around telling people their children are tarts. Just make them aware of the situation and let them try to handle ut
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A
female
reader, QueenCupcake +, writes (28 April 2022):
It’s not really your place to say anything to her.
With regards to her family, maybe just make them aware of what happened, don’t be horrible about it, you can’t go around telling people their children are tarts. Just make them aware of the situation and let them try to handle ut
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 April 2022):
 I understand WHY you spoke with the girl but you really need to be very careful, taking it upon yourself to tell off other people's children, especially a troubled child like this one - because that is what she is. Given her ability to lie to your face, despite you having proof of what she did/said, you are leaving yourself wide open to all sorts of accusations if she takes it upon herself to stir up a bit of trouble. She could accuse you of doing/saying all sorts of inappropriate things. The police could get involved. As I said, you really need to be very careful. Angry as you may be over her trying to lead your own child astray, you cannot take on the role of her parent/guardian, for your own safety as much as anything else.
I also understand why you want to tell her parents what has been going on but I suspect your motives are not quite as altruistic as you make out. I feel you want to do this in an attempt to protect your son from getting into trouble with this girl. I'm sure every parent or guardian can understand why you would feel that way but, again, you need to tread carefully. You definitely definitely definitely cannot say to these friends that their 13 year old child is becoming a tart - much as you may see it that way. While her behaviour may be a nightmare at present, she is still a child. I would be more concerned about what she has been exposed to to make her so precocious.
It doesn't sound likely that her parents will be able to do much about her behaviour, given that it sounds like they back off when she pushes boundaries. I am sure you must understand how worried they will be about her, given that you are a responsible parent yourself. If you really want/need to tell them what their daughter has been doing, I would approach it very diplomatically. Perhaps start by asking how she has been recently. Listen to what they have to say. They gently tell them what has been going on and show them the messages. Tell them you are worried about her and feel telling them is the best you can do to help her. Then step back and concentrate on parenting your son, who sounds like a good lad and a credit to you.
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A
female
reader, RitaBrown +, writes (27 April 2022):
HoneyPie gives great advice. The NSPCC website also has a whole section on talking to children and young people about their burgeoning sexuality as well as dealing with sexually precocious children.
And the term "sexually precocious" is much better than the "little tart". At 13 she won't understand how dangerous and detrimental her behaviour is. She's still very much a child
I would speak to her parents and show them the texts that your two kids have exchanged. Say that you are concerned for both your children rather than sound as if your putting all the blame onto the daughter.
If her behaviour continues and/or her parents seem completely disinterested , I suggest you either raise your concerns with their school (if they attend the same one) or contact the NSPCC helpline for advice.
Remind your son that he doesn't have to be friends with or follow this girl on social media if it makes him at all uncomfortable.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 April 2022):
 "But is there any nice way of telling them their daughter is becoming a little tart?"
It's kind of not your business to parent this girl. BUT I do understand that you feel her parents SHOULD.
What I would do, if I were in your shoes, is to tell your son to block her from Whatapp and no longer hang out with her alone. The LAST thing a 13-year-old boy need is to knock up a 13-year-old girl. Or swap pictures that are sexual in nature. And perhaps he needs to have some limitations on what kind of apps he is allowed to use. He is after all ONLY 13. Your kid, you need to parent him. While he didn't cross any lines (that you are aware of) - he will at some point and the BETTER you have raised him the less likely it's going to be a huge thing.
And then you need to have a chat with him about consent and sex in general. Seems like your kid is trustworthy. And that is good. That can change though in a blink of an eye.
Explain that you are GLAD he refused to send/receive nudes but that he will be offered this over and over and at some point be tempted to offer his own pics to someone. Make sure he understands that the Internet is forever. I don't know the laws in the UK pertaining to the nudes of underage kids. BUT in the US it's considered child pornography. That is NOt something your son will want on his phone. And I can tell you from a woman's perspective that NO WOMAN WANTS unsolicited dic pic. Ever.
If you FEEL you HAVE to tell the child's parents, then screenshot all the conversations and print them out. Maybe the girl needs a wake-up call before she sends a picture so someone who is NOT safe or someone who will share it with the whole school. IT is, however UP to her parents to deal with this. And my guess is, they won't. It seems like that 13-year-old girl doesn't have any consequences or rules at home. I'm sorry if ANY of my 3 girls had acted like that? They would have no phone, no tech and no social life whatsoever. There would be a LOT of choring going on. Keeping her busy.
And this is why I would tell YOUR son to block her and have nothing to do with her from now on.
You "telling her some home truths" was out of line. This should NEVER have been discussed between you and her, but with her parents present. And with proof. Not out in public.
Unfortunately, kids are being sexualized more and more. They want fame, money, and attention and know it's "easy" to get on apps and online by showing skin. Think Only Fans, Instagram....
Lastly, " I told my son that girls like that are no good and are just tarts basically." No, OP no. They are not just "tarts".
They are seeking attention from others, and validation from others in unhealthy ways - why? Maybe they don't get that at home? Maybe there are other things going on that YOU don't know. Maybe they are dealing with hormones but do not understand that puberty is, well, Hell for budding teens. There are SO many reasons WHY kids, teens, and even adults act out. She is trying to figure out where she fits in. With apparently little guidance from parents. Or there are mental health issues. YOU don't know. Labeling them "sluts or tarts" is not helping shit.
Teaching your son to think ALL girls who behave in a way YOU don't like with one fat brush stroke is teaching him how to be narrow-minded. This particular girl is 13. She isn't a tart. She is a BARELY teen acting out. Calling her names will not correct her behavior. Or help her or your son.
Would I tell my friend if their kid did something stupid online? Absolutely. Does it mean it will help them? No. But maybe worth a try? Just know, this will affect your son too and probably your friendship with her parents.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2022): You need to tell them ASAP what she's been doing. Don't say she's been behaving like a tart but just tell them she's been really inappropriate with your son. If she denies it just show her Mum and Dad all the messages between her and your son. The proof is there. You're completely right though she will end up pregnant if she carries on like she is. Wanting to send nudes at 13? God help her. To be honest it sounds like her parents have let her get away with murder for a while if she could be so rude and disrespectful like that to you as well.
Your son does sound like he knows where the boundaries are at least and will know she's bad news and that only kissing is really appropriate at that age, but I'd still keep an eye in case she 'goes around the block' as it was and becomes interested in him again.
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