A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been fooling around with my classmate for long months now. Each time we went out, we ended up in bed together (not having sex, just petting and cuddling). She's in a long term relationship with someone else. Back when I started to fancy her, I had no idea cause she would just never mention it. Initially she just explained this by saying I was attractive. Later she said she "has feelings for me" and I'm special to her etc... yet she doesn't know what to say about her bf, just keeps avoiding this topic. She doesn't want to leave him - but doesn't want to end the affair with me either. Yes, I realize her behaviour is incorrect and mine is foolish... but I just love her to bits and want her to be my gf. She is a shy and reserved person and doesn't seem to trust my feelings or to be able to take the risk of the decision... I realize this just cannot go on this way cause as long as I'm always there for her, she won't be able to make a choice. Persuasion won't work and I can't force her to make up her mind - is it the right thing if I just give her some space and stop contacting her? Maybe she'd realize she misses me, or will just forget me. But I'm afraid to take this step... please don't tell me to just move on, I know that's the easiest thing to say - I'm just curious what the best behaviour would be to make her think. The thing is I just really love her and want her for myself...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 July 2011):
 You do not want her as your girlfriend. You think you do, if only this or if only that. If only she wasn't a cheater, if only she was single, of only every word she tells you is true... but it isn't.
You want to be special to her. But you're just about so special that she happily puts you as her number two, after a guy she barely even sees! You're so special to her she keeps you a secret instead of proudly walking hand in hand with you.
You're not special to her, she says this to keep you around so she can continue to use you. You need to open your eyes to this. She's seduced you, but she has no intentions of treating you right, and as long as you let her toy with you she will.
You're her play-thing. Demand some respect for yourself. End this affair and find a girl worthy of you, because this cheating woman isn't.
Even if she ended up with you as your girlfriend, would you REALLY want her? Do you want to be with a woman you KNOW cheats? That started her relationship with you in secret, as an affair to be ashamed of? To have to lie when people ask how you met, because you can't say the truth: "we fooled around behind her boyfriends back".
No, you don't want this. You don't want a relationship where you can't trust your partner.
You want someone you can have for yourself, and this girl isn't willing to give you all of herself. Ever. You can't ever trust her to do that. So no, if you want a relationship with someone you can have all to yourself this woman has clearly shown you she's not what you are looking for. You wish she was, if only this was different, of only that would change. But people don't change.
You either get her as a girlfriend and accept that she's a cheat that will likely cheat on you as well, or you move on to someone more worthwhile.
A
male
reader, Welsh Uncle Dave +, writes (20 July 2011):
She has to make a choice and you have to tell her this.
If she wants you, she has to end it with her bf first. If she wants her bf then she must end it with you immediately.
She can't have both and you know that.
I know you don't want to be told to move on, but this is something you realistically might have to do.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (20 July 2011):
 Never ever get involved with anyone who is taken. Not just for you, but for the other person involved, who has done you no harm.
You might want her for yourself, but she doesn't seem to want herself for you. Otherwise, she would have left the other guy. You don't have to make her think: she has thought this through already.
Just move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): well coming from someone who just discovered their partner had been cheating for half a year with someone else i'm a little biased on this subject matter because i know how hurtful it is for this other guy in the situation. he's the truly innocent one in all of this. i know she didn't tell you the truth in the beginning, but once you found out, you should have done the decent thing, which would be to cut it off. it's not right and it's not fair. he was the one who was originally with her and has been with her all along.
often times people cheat to fill some sort of emotional void they are lacking in their primary relationship. if they aren't getting their emotional needs met, that's what you become there for. but the majority of the time, the person really just wants those emotional needs met by the person they're with. once those needs become fulfilled within their relationship, usually the other person is let go of.
anyway, if i were you, i would just walk away. if she really wants you, she'll come after you. but i wouldn't stick around and be the other guy. it's wrong on a lot of different levels. and you also don't deserve to come second to someone else. i know you said it's not the answer you want to hear but it's my truthful answer.
had i known my ex was cheating on me for that long i would have kicked her ass to the curb long ago. but now i'm currently dealing with a lot of pent up anger and hurt that i wouldn't have to be dealing with if i wasn't cheated on. i despise cheating. so that's my two cents.
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A
female
reader, VSAddict  +, writes (20 July 2011):
 Since we can't tell you to move on, I guess you should just give her some space. I don't really think that her not contacting you will make her leave her boyfriend. And I always say this, but if you do get together, how do you know she won't have an affair while with you?
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A
female
reader, Zandra +, writes (20 July 2011):
 This is totally unfair on you, she shouldn't be stringing you along like this, and getting the best of both worlds. If she doesn't want to leave him then surely she is happy in her relationship and simply wants all the attention she can get?
I feel you should put the idea of you seeing someone else to her, ask her how she would feel if you began seeing someone else. Her reaction to this may help you decide how to move forward.
If she is having a secret relationship with you, how do you know, that if once you become her boyfriend she won't do the same to you? Just because she didn't want to hurt your feelings.
Speaking of your feelings, does she even have any thought of them, this must be so hard for you? Find someone who wants only you, you deserve that!
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