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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I'm 21, had one girlfriend for two years, during early college. I've asked out about 5 girls one of them my girlfriend, the other four I've only gone on a date or two a piece. My friends always say that I could do better and its because I lack confidence. I never had sex with my ex because she said she wanted to wait until later, so I'm a virgin unfortunately. I was a lot heavier in high school and I asked this popular girl out. She led me on and then embarrassed me in front of her friends by listing all my physical faults outloud. I've went through a body transformation since then. Abs and all and about 80 pounds off. I have a superficial amount of confidence but really feel uncomfortable still when talking to girls. I feel like I use exercise to cover up my faults. I'm in medical school now, and the parties after exams are hard for me to connect to any girls romantically. They all came from large party schools and have a lot of experience with guys which is off-putting and I went to a really small school and have only asked a handful of girls out weakly. I don't drink alcohol so it looks like the loudest guys end up taking them home/hooking up with them. I was talking to a girl and we got very close recently, but I learned she was stringing me on until I got a residency and that she was seeing other dudes until then. I told her to shove off and feel proud that I did. She keeps messaging me on facebook for us to go back to normal, but I'm sick of being mistreated. I don't want to be soft on girls anymore. I'm just asking what the best way of me going forward and getting a girlfriend OR losing my virginity. Its not like there are no girls that are attracted to me, but I'm never attracted to the girls that are and I don't have the confidence to talk to the ones I'm attracted to. I feel stuck.I can elaborate more if you have any more questions.
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (14 February 2015):
Dude, you have so much baggage, no wonder this is not working for you.
First of all: why are you trying to prove yourself to the world that you can "be good with girls"? Trust me, the world couldn't care less if you are or aren't. Women aren't a goal or a prize to be won. That kind of mindset will make you very miserable; in fact, it already has.
Your problem is that you're focused on what you think society wants you to be versus who you actually are. Instead of having this list ready of what a girl should and shouldn't be, why not just meet them, talk to them, and go for the one you actually enjoy spending time with, regardless of her social status.
A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (13 February 2015):
Hello again OP. I feel like you are still looking at this the wrong way. Firstly, you assume that these so called 'bad boys' are brilliant in bed when that is often not true. Guys like that are good at TALKING women into bed but are very often selfish lovers who do not consider the woman's pleasure at all. That is because they see sex as about them only - a way for themselves to feel pleasure and make them look like a 'stud' in front of all of their mates and chaps like yourself who think they are the embodiment of all that is manly. Which I do get because that is how things are portrayed in the media, but that fails to show the other side of it. The woman's perspective.
Which brings me to your next misconception. That all women are looking to these 'bad boys' for casual sex and fun. Not so my friend. Of course there are some girls who want casual sex only, but in my experience (and I'm talking about first hand experience from my university dorms), even the girls who say they are happy 'keeping things casual' have been in tears because some guy told her what she wanted to hear, had sex with her, then never called again. Behind every one of these so called players, is a long line of heartbroken women who thought he was a nice guy.
It seems obvious to other guys that these men are looking for sex only, but trust me, when you are a woman on the receiving end of a man telling you that he might have slept around before but that was only because he hadn't met you yet, it's very easy to believe. I've seen it hundreds of times - the girl tells her friends his reputation is unjustified, because he turns on the 'nice guy' act for her. Then he dumps her as soon as he's got what he wanted and repeats it with someone else.
The girl is left gutted and embarrassed, and tells everyone that she only wanted a casual fling anyway to save face and the 'I told you sos' rom everyone who warned her.
From your point of view, these women are living the dream with the players then settling for the nicer guy. The girls (or the smart ones anyway) are actually thinking they are going to look at a guys actions rather than words the next time to avoid getting burned again. That doesn't mean they are settling - far from it in fact. They actually know more what they are looking for.
I'm sure I've said this to you in one of your previous posts, but women don't like being treated badly, they like the confidence of the bad boys. These guys see the girl, want her, and for a short time at least, make the woman feel like she's the only girl in the world. THAT is what attracts them. You'd be surprised how a person believing they are a catch convinces others of it.
The thing that worries me about you OP is your belief that losing your virginity and having all this sex will automatically make you this confident guy, when chances are it will have the opposite effect. Because many of these girls won't give you the praise you are craving, and you'll drive yourself mad worrying that you are rubbish in bed. Which in actual fact, as long as you ask her what she likes and try to please her, isn't actually possible.
Please try to stop putting so much pressure on yourself to be perfect, and think about sex the same way you do your studies in med school - you are not a master of it because no-one is. But if you are willing to learn and work with your partner, she will love having sex with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIf what you say is true, every women was a girl at some point and chose "bad boys" over me. I would rather die alone than be the guy they choose to settle down with after they had all their fun.
The Mr. Universe comment was to show that getting together with only one girl for a future wife, after she has been out with multiple other guys you deem as "bad boys", I will not be confident with myself at all going out with her and probably delay sex since I would look foolish. Worst case scenario would be her saying she's had better sex before me and I can't handle that.
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female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (13 February 2015):
 You're dealing with girls, not women. Girls want the bad boys, women want reliable men.
Why would you need to be Mr Universe to attract women?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTheres a lot of truth in your answers. I may be looking for a girlfriend of a certain level to prove that I can be good with girls. At this age(21) there are a significant amount of girls that are more sexually experienced than I am and this intimidates me. They could have had one night stands, sex with players, biyfriends who are better at sex than I will ever be.. Most girls who are virgins at this point have strong religious affiliation which I do not have. I sometimes am proud of my ability for self control of my urges. I cant deny that on any conversation alive had with girls, they respect the guy they know is having a lot of sex more than the virgin guy. Virginity in a guy is usually only valued by the religious and since I am not religious its a hindrance. While I was with my ex, I did try to put her needs first before my own everytime. This included giving her more oral sex than I received, figuring out where she likes to be touched and putting off my own pleasure. My original question was where I could be a good catch for girls so I can pursue and pointers for being the man in dating. Desoite all my lifestyle changes, I still have the detrimental belief that I need to be Mr. Universe before I am attractive to the girls I want.
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male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (9 February 2015):
OP...You are worried about future break ups when they haven't happened yet? Talk about setting yourself up for failure. LAZY people break up, people who WORK hard at their relationships have a better chance of stay together for the long run. Did you think you would meet a girl and BAM!!! She is the right one, perfect, all you will ever need?? That only happens in movies. It takes lots of work to make even the perfect relationship last.
As for sex...what do you need to practice? If you can't please one woman, then what? Run to 50 more? That is being LAZY. If you suck the first time, you man up, and go back, again and again, until she says "You da man!" What is the difference between a girl you have sex with now, and 50 other girls?? Nothing!! Most men go to women to have the woman rock their world. Pretty sad that most of those women never have a man who rock their world.
Having one woman and learning how to please her every need, makes you a good man and husband. Any one who tells you that having several sex partners so you can "practice" is a fool. Even animals mate with one partner for life, and they are suppose to be dumber than we are.
I have no issues with dating...date as much as you want. But save your first time for the right time. Let everyone else sleep around and do whatever...you are not everyone, and should not want to be like anyone else. People always want what the can't have, when they should be looking for is what they need...LOVE...above everything else.
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female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (7 February 2015):
Honestly, you are looking for the wrong things and what you *think* you want, but won't actually give you *what* you want. For that reason, I can't advise you any more on this particular issue because it's one from within you that you are blind to.You're looking to have the same dynamic that you had with your ex and that's very unlikely to happen. The reasons the girls you like don't usually like you are probably for the same reasons you don't like the girls who like you. You sound like you have a similar personality to the girls you won't date, which explains why the girls you like aren't likely to date you. You're not on the same personality wavelength, but you insist on it being them you want to date/have sex with.Like jls022 said, experience is worth jack all if you become selfish in bed or do what you're doing now, being so focused on how "awful" your inexperience is.
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female
reader, jls022 +, writes (7 February 2015):
'If Im to learn shouldnt I have more practice instead of only with one girl?'
In a word, no. Brown wolf is spot on. I dated a guy once who was a bit of a player, and from what I heard on the grapevine afterwards, he had slept with over 30 women. He was, without a shadow of a doubt, the worst lover I have ever had.
He thought being good in bed was flipping me around into a million positions while lasting as long as possible, because he'd never stayed with a woman long enough to teach him what is good for her. I tried to teach him that penetration only wasn't enough for most women, and he laughed at me and claimed his 'experience' told him otherwise. When in actual fact, what he thought was experience was actually success at talking women into bed and using their bodies to get himself off. Urgh! In this case, the old adage is true - it's quality over quantity.
Everyone else is right - you are focusing on the wrong thing. Many young men seem to think they need lots of casual experience before they settle down, when most women don't want that. Or when they do, like the woman you said you got close to recently, these guys get upset because she was keeping it casual too and dating other guys. You can't have it both ways my friend.
Being perfectly honest, I think you are looking for girls up to the same sort of 'level' as the popular girl who rejected you (what an awful thing to do btw - I'm sorry about that) because in some ways you think it will make up for that experience. The problem is, you don't actually like those sort of girls as people. That's where your problem lies.
I think you need to stop focusing on being some sort of stud and actually start working on your true self esteem. Find out WHO you are and what you like, and stop basing your worth on your abs and how many beauty queens you can attract. Then start living a more authentic life and look for a girl who fits well with you, rather than one who you hope will prove something about you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMidnight Shadow, to be honest I really am not attracted to very quiet girls in general. There have been girls who I learned liked me but I never was attracted to them. They tend to be the very quiet prude girls who are nice to everyone. It sounds bad but I dont want them to like me just because I involuntarily treat all girls well because of the way my mom raised me. Im trying to be attractive for girls to want to have sex with/date not praise. I've been trying to correct this to prevent getting used like in previous instances. My ex girlfriend was quite a social butterfly, and I liked the dynamic as I was her "rock" and she provided the spark and excitement.
I have no preference on if a girl drinks or not. If they arent doing something beyond the realm of stupid to embarass themselves, and they dont cheat on me when drunk.
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female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (7 February 2015):
Honestly, you're focusing on the wrong thing. Genuinely, if you end up in a relationship with a girl you're compatible with and you both really like each other, your inexperience in the bedroom won't bother her; she'll be happy to teach you what she likes and try things for you (that you're both comfortable with) to help you find out what you like.
Don't say "lenient" on looks; it makes it sound like you're going to date someone you aren't attracted to for the sake of dating/sex. Are you not attracted to more average-looking, non-drinkers who are a little quieter - like you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone OP here. I dont think I go for just the superficial in fact Im a bit more lenient on what the girl looks like, but recently stricter on how she behaves around me(respectwise).Brownwolf, that is an interesting theory but is it pragmatic to ask me to find a girl to marry at 21? Everyone everywhere dates casually and while I havent done it I cant bash it. If Im to learn shouldnt I have more practice instead of only with one girl? I dont have the confidence to have one night stands,but is there a problem if I end up dating a girl for long term and we dont get married if we break up?Im even more frightened to grow up to be 25-26 and I break up with my "future wife" and Im still bad at sex. If I do have sex in the near future, I dont plan on telling the girl Im a virgin unless we end up in a long term relationship or she says shes a virgin first.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (6 February 2015):
"I'm a virgin unfortunately."What's unfortunate about that statement is that you do not see the importance of your virginity. It is not something you lose as fast as you can, just because your hormones says so.Women are not out there to help you lose your virginity. That kind of thinking will lead you to have relationship issues...and that is the reason you should take your virginity more seriously. Virginity means self-control. Waiting for the right person, not just sticking your pecker into the first woman who opens her legs for you.Learn to love the person who HAS the vagina not just the vagina. That is a typical man's thinking...they are more concern about how much sex the can get, rather then the quality of sex. Any BOY can have sex, but a mature person knows how to please...and when you please, she comes back for more....Quality...And I said she, not them.You think you have a confidence problem now??? You go with a girl all jacked up on hormones. You stick it in and only last 2 minutes or less...all because you thought you were ready to lose your virginity. You hump like a rabbit and you are done. It takes a woman much longer than a man to get to her peak. You are done, and she is just getting started...and she does not come back for more...hmmm...What do you think happens to your confidence then???So to fix that problem...You start looking of other means to last longer in bed. Which leads to other problems. You will say to yourself like most young men "I need more experience with more girls...that will fix my problem." If you couldn't please one woman with your inexperience, having many sex partner using the same inexperience will make you better in bed...um...NO. Better to have one woman and spend the rest of your life rocking her world.The best way to get a girlfriend is... To want a wife. Girlfriends are just that...girl friends. When you want a woman with whom you can spend the rest of your life with, and not spend your time just between her legs, you will be miles ahead of most men your age...If you see women as a means to get laid...then you will be hopping from girl to girl. Lots of men would say "What's wrong with that? I would love to have a different girl every day." Look at those men...They actually have such low self-esteem that they DO need to have a woman praising them all the time. They end up cheating on their wives because they can't stop chasing. If that is the kind of life you want, then you are on the right track. If it's not...then wait.Wait...Learn...Apply what you have learnt when the person is right. Maturity over stupidity...any day. Life is very easy...We make it complicated by the way we think, and foolish things we do.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2015): Adopt a hobby or an art in which you can distinguish yourself from others like sports or music or join a theatrical group if you are good in acting, and keep slim as girls love thin guys.All these are confidence building measures. Once you do these things you will find girls falling all over you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2015): keep going the gym and get bulk to attract the girls you actually want .
If you have got abs then you are more than far advanced .
I am like you I struggle to get girls I actually want but I know when I was younger and fitter I was able to get girls I liked easier.
also as you are aware your confidence will come on more the fitter you get .
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female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (6 February 2015):
Ever wondered if you go for the superficial things in girls because you've only fixed what you'd considered your superficial "faults"?
Ignore the fact that you're a virgin; it's not really important because "losing" it won't affect you the way you want it to.
I think you're just in the wrong group of people (at least in terms of dating pool) and, for as long as you expect things to work while you do that, I think you'll be disappointed.
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