A
female
age
41-50,
*y80
writes:I have a boyfriend (tgt about 3 years) and everything seems to work out ok between us. I don't know about other ppl, but I always need to feel "connected" to the one I love by having deep conversations, I love sharing deep thoughts, ideas... etc. I really enjoy talking with him because I feel he's my best friend and he is someone so close to me. However, this seems to turn into a reeeally hard "duty" for my bf to perform... he would find this to be annoying. I know it might be tiring when a person doesn't feel like talking all the time and still has to listen or think of things to say (although I can almost always talk about anything with my bf or friends without any problems), that's why I am not mad at him, but I am mad at the fact that my bf doesn't really find things that I value interesting and that he is not a good "partner" for deep conversations.Every time when I try to share something that I feel important, he gets so distracted and even starts to get off topic... I feel whatever I value seem to be so unimportant to him... which is quite a big turn-off to me, because I really need to feel connected... I feel I just "drained" all his energy by asking him to listen to me talk LOL... and I don't want him to feel that way... He would spend time to let me talk, which I appreciate (because he doesn't really enjoy having heavy conversations most of the time), but he just "listens", but doesn't really listen with his heart.I already talked to him about this, but sometimes it's hard for him to understand me... I talked to him about issues that are bothering me, but every time he just laughs and it makes me think I'm being so immature, that whatever problems I have are nothing serious, ... but it's not that he doesn't love me... he tries to comfort me but I don't think he understand exactly what I am going through... and he even said to me, "how come you just never stop talking?" I don't really want him to feel I am annoying but I just get too excited and can't stop talking...I tried to put my thoughts in a journal (which helps a bit but I need a REAL person to understand my problems, anger, sadness, happiness, what i find interesting... etc...), or find others to talk to, but the ones who I can only relate to are mostly guys, he wouldn't feel comfortable with me talking with guys, like having deep conversations with others, but I just cannot have my "needs" fulfilled in him... : ( (for some reason I really feel like I am a guy talking about his sexual needs NOT being fulfilled by his gf/wife and needs to have them fulfilled elsewhere) is this not a good thing in a relationship?I know we love each other very much but I feel I am not being understood... maybe I just need a soul-mate? How does every one define "soulmate"? Can I just have soulmates that are not my bf? am I asking too much in a bf? Can a bf be perfect in all other aspects and still be your soulmate?? I have a feeling that I really want to seek a soulmate as a bf... or is it because I think and talk too much?
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female
reader, yy80 +, writes (4 December 2012):
yy80 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are right, no one should be another person's whole world. My mom used to tell me this all the time, it somehow made me quite immune to what many people are suffering... then I met this guy, he has probably spoiled me too much that I began to take things for granted. I almost forgot we all have to be responsible for our own life and happiness. And when people feel their other halves are responsible for their happiness, it gives them more pain, because your greed will get bigger as you expect more and more from another person.
I still remember the old me seemed to be more easy-going, happy, and content, more considerate... I was never afraid to put more efforts without getting anything back... no matter in relationships, friendship, or any human relationship... I think I got influenced when people told me I was too nice, it made me think people would take advantage of me, I never really cared as long as I was happy myself, but I was still changed after I got really hurt in a relationship because my bf cheated on me (I was cheated long time ago then I cured myself to build up trust again and then it happened again). I became more grumpy, easily irritated toward many things in life... I miss being the old me, it's weird but I actually feel I was more mature and emotionally healthy few years ago than now, but now I feel I am becoming even stronger because he gave me a different perspective on the subject LOVE. I hope I can keep this healthy, positive attitude so I can bring happiness to people around me.
And like you mentioned, I now tried to devote my time into many other aspects in life. Because in the past few years, I've devoted too much (mentally/emotionally) into my relationship without realizing it. I actually have many other interests other than LOVE. Funny thing is I actually understood this when I was a lot younger, but I guess I just needed others to remind me how awesome it feels again :-)
Sorry a little off topic : When I was young, my girl friends all told me they wanted to get married and have kids before 30. They all loved good looking guys. I never got interested in good looking and rich guys and I never felt it's necessary to set an age limit to get married/have kids. I never understood why I need a good looking bf if he has many problems in his personality. And my friends would always say with my appearance I can look for a hotter guy LOL I mean I don't understand why limit yourself in finding a true love based on these things? It was silly... to me. But now I realized we all have different requirements in finding our other half, their wanting to have a better looking bf/gf is actually the same as my wanting to have someone who can share my interests with, or has similar "thinking style", it's just that what I wish for in a bf is more spiritual or internal, because I feel it can last longer than anything physical.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 December 2012):
 I am glad if I could offer you some food for thought , OP ( not that you need too much encouragement to chew on thoughts, I guess :).
I think you should keep in mind 2 things that only apparently are in contraddiction- I think they complement each other, in fact.
- No person can be your whole world and give you exactly all you need when you need it. This fusional fantasy that if just meet the right person, he will fulfill all your needs, understand all your thoughts, match all your wants... is a fantasy. You always will be two separate worlds, that hopefully will resemble or integrate each other , but some times will also collide, or challenge each other, or disappoint each other. And that's OK too. So, keep it real and if you chance into a basically good mate, accept his imperfections.
- You set the limits though for these challenges and collisions. In other words, ultimately, in love it is important ... what it is important to YOU. Whether it's right or wrong, sensible or unwise,usual or unusual. You get to decide what you can't live without, and act consequently.
It is what it is. Often we get posts from teenagers who complain " I want to be loved, but I can't find a gf because all the pretty girls are taken " or girls " I want to be loved, can't find a bf because all the hot guys are taken ".
Now, I am always tempted to say : then date the plain ones, you dummy! What makes you think that a fat girl or a short guy can't love you even better and make you happier than an attractive one ?. But, it's not the right answer.
Because at their age, stage and level of experience, dating someone goodlooking is VERY important to them, maybe due to insecurities, need for validation and social approval, etc. Most change their perspective in time and adopt different priorities in their search for a life mate, but , atm, they want what they want - their guts want someone hot, even if their brain says they should not mind.
The tricky part is keeping a balance between these two aspects, of not expecting some illusory , perfect soul mate which will be ,magically, our mirror reflection - AND not giving up to what really your heart desires, what really moves you and excites you ( in your case, MAYBE, deep convos ).
Good luck, and do try your hand at something artistic, often it's a way to get the emotional support that you want, and from within yourself !
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A
female
reader, yy80 +, writes (1 December 2012):
yy80 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your thoughtful reply, CindyCares. I have thought about it for the whole day yesterday and I guess I will try to give him some more room... because I understand it is quite tiring... I mean I wouldn't want to even pay attention when I am emotionally drained ... I hope I will be able to do this for us.
As for his sexual needs, sometimes he complains why I am not that into it as he is : ( I know sometimes it could hurt his feelings... I guess it feels the same when I get mad at the fact that he is just not that person who would talk to me the way I do... sometimes I am also afraid he finds it boring or not that satisfying to have sex with me... he never forces me to have sex, but sometimes even if I am not quite in the mood, I would still try to get into the mood for him :-)
I will try to find other friends to talk to... maybe I just need to change the concept that "having deep convos is a necessity between a couple", and I find myself feeling a lot more relieved now.. thanks again!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (1 December 2012):
OP, the point I was trying to make is : it will work if you want it to work. If you'll do something to make it work, some adjustment, some compromise.
OP, tell us sincerely : do you love this guy, do you CHOOSE to be with him,... or are you looking for a plausible-sounding excuse to ditch him ?
A partner must be basically compatible, - but he/ she can't be made totally responsible for fulfilling 100% all our needs,fill all our voids, strenghten all our feeble points.
What you could do , in your case, is - compromise : learn to shift your gaze from the fascinating ( for you ) workings of your minds to other things,- there's a whole world out there, other than your feelings and musings and problems , and it's equally fascinating- and learn to, well, shut up a little bit. Same as you say that he has bigger sexual needs than you, but- at least I hope ! - he is compromising, meaning he is not forcing himself on you, he is not raping you when you are not in the mood, right ?
We are who we are and we bring it along in all relationships, - with the same results if we mantain the same attitude.
You think that if you magically meet this kindred spirit you'll be able to ramble for hours and wallow in deepness ,- frankly I doubt it, because , as I said in my previous post, one thing is to discept about ethics or spirituality or anything which , no matter how highbrow, still is a common, shared interest between the two people, - all another is to unload every nook and cranny of your own ego on another person. Someone who loves you will be interested, will try to help , to offer solutions - up to a point . He will still be part of a couple , he'll still be into doing and discussing " WE " things , not just YOU things.
If you meet someone precisely just like you...... you will compete for attention and stage time :) it won't be a dialogue, it will be two very ego-referred people reciting monologues and tryng to upstage each other.
All in all, if you are not convinced about this bf, if you are not happy with him, then change bf, sure. But I think, first of all, you may try change yourself, if you want to be part of a couple and really SHARE, rather than just having an audience.
I don't buy it that you are hardwired like that. In fact, maybe you are , so ? All which is detrimental and unproductive for social relationships may be changed.
Men ( and women ) are wired to be promiscuous , but they can CHOOSE to be monogamous. We are wired to defend our territory and belongings by the use of physical force- but that can be changed too, if somebody tries to steal your purse, you yell " Help "! Police ! ", you don't just up and stab him to death ( at least, not often:).
I am wired to be lazy ,and to spend time on Dear Cupid when I should be working or cooking dinner- but I can change that, when I bother to make the effort.
You may say that you don't need to make any effort , because there's nothing wrong with you ; quite possibly so, but...not in term of relationships , I am afraid.
Another suggestion, and I am not being witty, I am totally serious : have you considered channeling your urges for expression, your powerful need to narrate yourself , into art ? Writing a novel, or poetry, or painting something ?
After all, the great Marcel Proust was basically a type like you, a guy with a lot of time on his hands to mumble and moan about all that bothered him and irked him and displeased him, physically and emotionally, which was a lot... and his family and friends would only indulge him to some extent. And, voila', now we have that amazing masterpiece : the 7 volumes of his "Recherche" ....
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A
female
reader, yy80 +, writes (30 November 2012):
yy80 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your replies!
Just wanted to clarify something... I do understand that everyone wouldn't be interested in everything I enjoy, I already stated that I am not mad at him... it's just that I just hope to fulfill my needs in this person, not somewhere else... because he is someone that I love. I never said it's HIS fault for not wanting to talk... I actually made it quite clear on my question that I also feel it might be quite draining for him. All I wanted to know is whether this will work.
If you say everyone is different, then maybe I am just hardwired to be this way? I already accepted the fact that it's harder for me to find that perfect match because I really tend to think and talk a lot. What about a person who always needs sex while the other doesn't? Is that his/her fault? It is not a fault, but it's a problem. Two people need to work together on their own issues. I am not saying I won't try to change for my bf... I'm not saying anything to defend and say I am right either, I do not know the answer and that is why I am asking this question here... is it a common thing for two people to not have common interests when they are together? How would people cope with this problem? Everyone has their own "requirements" and maybe you don't really enjoy deep conversations but some people do. Just like Sageoldguy1465 said, maybe it's better to find someone "compatible".
Also, I do enjoy topics like science, philosophy, art, moral... etc... the boring stuff to most people... and i do listen to him whenever he feels like talking... one interesting thing is that he is quite needy in sex... I feel he's quite demanding sometimes... I really start to wonder if I just need a platonic relationship... : (
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (30 November 2012):
 I think your submittal "goes to" the need to have a good match, with a partner, relative to the intensity of how you view/talk about/think about various subjects.... That is a NECESSARY compatibility in order for two people to have a successful "relationship."
For example, consider, say, art, or music, or dancing.... two people MUST have ENOUGH compatibilities in ENOUGH subjects in order for them to "gel" in their relationship.
I think that you have described that this guy you are seeing does not match you in a couple, or few, of YOUR pet subjects.... and you can detect that.... Consider if you and he could EVER share enough common interests in order for your relationship to be long term... IF you cannot (find those subjects, and your mutual intensity) then your "relationship" is really doomed... unless one of you wants to be the shill for the other....
You can discuss this with him... and - if all the honest feelings and opinions are "on the table" - I bet that you and he will decide to go your separate ways....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (30 November 2012):
I think you are looking for a "kindred spirit" and not a "soul mate."
The relationship with a "kindred spirit" has platonic implications, while the relationship with a "soul mate" has romantic implications.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (30 November 2012):
Honestly ? honestly honestly ?
I think that it's because you think too much , and most of all, you talk too much.
Up to a certain point of your post , I was actually inclined to say that yes, you might have having this kind of problem because you miss, if not a soulmate , someone intellectually compatible . By intellectually compatible I don't mean someone who has your same level of formal education, that does not matter at all - but someone who has your same thinking style, who is attracted / made curious / fascinated by the same things. This may be important to some people, I know it is to me,perhaps I had too much time, before , during and after college, to dabble with art,philosophy and all the fancy stuff:)- and that left me a taste for abstract thought and " deep " conversation. I can get really upset about,say, the decline of Western civilization, or loose sleep over the concept of afterlife , stuff like that. Of course I keep it in check, and I am able to gabble about TV shows and celeb gossips withe best of them, but.. it's nice once in a while
to find someone that " gets " you, and rather than yawning or thinking you are weird ,can debate passionately with you about ,say, the meaning of art in modern society.
But, then, I realized that's not what you mean, what you basically mean is that you do a lot of self referential navel - gazing and , pardon me, that may be a bit too much for any guy. In fact , I think your bf must be nuts about you for having been patiently listening ( even if not listening from the heart " ) to 3 years of your "emoting".
I feel this, I feel that, I am angry sad happy moved, interested....my problem is... this affects me this way or the other way ....
Eh slow down, darling, curb your verbal enthusiasm. Everybody, but everybody in the world, have different feelings emotions and problems, they just don't keep a running commentary and don't need to share every single mood or every single thought about every detail of their life , relevant or not.
The truth is that all these things are of riveting interest ... just to ourselves , and our diaries, and our shrinks- who are paid to be interested.
Of course your bf loves you so he will want to share with you your SPECIAL moments of joy or sadness or doubt, but if you are constantly talking about what YOU feel, YOU like dislike want need desire and whatnot, you are not sharing, you are just overhelming him with your out of control emotional stream of consciousness ( not to call it emotional dhiarrea). You get too excited and you can't stop talking ? really ? - that's not a good thing , OP, disabuse yourself from the notion that this is a sign of being passionate or deep or emotionally rich, it's not, it's just a sign of poor impulse control, mental confusion and poor communication skills. You may want to work on that , and make a conscious effort to choose every now and then other conversation subjects than your bubbling inner world - subjects that would allow your bf to share his own experience and to put in a word edgewise .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2012): I hate to say it OP but you sound very overbearing and needy. It sounds to me like you're very sensitive and there's always an issue with you, always some little thing that upsets you and you always have to have heavy conversations about menial things. You kind of sound like a chore OP. I'm sorry but that's how I'd feel. I bet you're even getting very upset right now, reading my opinion. I bet your heart is sinking right this minute and you're getting very worked up and upset. If that's the case OP then that's over the top.
"because he doesn't really enjoy having heavy conversations most of the time"
OP where is the fun in constantly having heavy conversations? They can be very draining OP. I have had more than one girlfriend and still have a few female friends who are just heavy about everything, every little menial detail upset them and all they do is talk OP, they never try to fix these things in a practical way and some of those things can't be fixed because they shouldn't even matter.
My most recent ex was like that. There was just always something with that girl, I loved her but deeply regretted letting her think she could confide in me because once those floodgates where opened every single little thought she felt the need to share, everything and not in a fun happy way but in a highly strung, overly sensitive way she just never shut up about all these menial little things and made big deals out of everything. Her coffee was too cold, so she'd decide to tell me how having cold coffee was so unfair, that it upset her, it reminded her of the time when she was a kid and she spilled some coffee and it ruined the carpet and her mother gave out to her. It never stopped and it was exceptionally draining, she always wanted to confide this deep shit to me and it was always heavy. She too saw it as a need, but I'm not a counsellor OP, I'm a boyfriend and a partner I have my own needs and I need fun, light heartedness and a break from seriousness too.
I mean my current girlfriend tells me everything, but its 90% fun stuff. She's not highly strung, she's not overbearing and she knows she can tell me anything because she doesn't overload me. She has other friends who she can talk to deeply too, so she spreads it out among us so as not to burden any of us. That's what I do too. I mean my girlfriend was pissed the other day because one of her colleagues kept dismissing her ideas at a meeting, she told me this very briefly and I comforted her and told her he was an asshole, but she spent about 2 hours on the phone to one of her girlfriends, moaning and complaining at great length and detail about it. She knows it's not a matter of me not caring, she just knows I have literally no interest in listening to her moan for long periods about things I don't care about, I care about her, I don't give a damn about some menial office bullshit and I'm a man of action, I will help her figure out how to fix things and that's all I can contribute. I wouldn't complain to her about lots of things either, I had to fix a computer for a friend recently and it took hours of frustration all the while I had a nice moan to one of my other friends. She's not interested in computers, some going on for an hour or two about this to her would be unfair to her. Just because I find something important doesn't mean I have to expect her to feel the same way about it and it would b unfair to expect her to be interested in listening to me moan about it. So I have other people I can talk in detail about these things to because they share my interest. The same applies to football, she has no interest in it so what's the point of me complaining for hours and in detail about a loss we just suffered to a rival team? Why would I do that?
You're not looking for a soulmate OP, you're looking for a guy who will just listen to every single thought you have about everything, and you're not going to find a guy like that OP, we all have our limits and if you're always talking about you and your menial little problems then you're not exactly looking deeply enough at what we need.
We can't be interested in every single thing you are OP, if we're not interested in that thing then we're going to find it a chore to listen to you talk about it. I mean would you moan in detail to him about make up? Why would you do that?
OP just pick your battles better, it's not nice to be someone's listening post all the time. Balance it better and understand that he is interested in things, but he only needs a break down of them and not details of every single little thing.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (30 November 2012):
I cant speak to men who seek "emotional support" from the opposite sex, but in my experience when a woman does it, its a red flag. Whenever one of my friends has spoken to me about a troubled relationship and says shes speaking to a "friend" whos a "good listener," it has almost always been the case that shes sleeping with him, or will be soon.
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