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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: What would you do if your long time partner called you an idiot, stupid, or insane or told you to shut the fuck up or fuck off, or go fuck yourself during arguments? And continually hang up on you? Or hang up when you cry or want to speak? Or hit the phone on the table over and over as you are trying to speak? Or raises his voice when you want to talk and gets excessively angry? Or cuts you off from the conversation and leaves you there? Can this be fixed? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2021): The only way to fix this is to break up with him.He is an abuser and yes believe it or not you are a victim of abuse.Can you not see that??After you break up and leave this abusive man get therapy.You need to learn why you do not respect yourself.And you do not.This way he treats you is abuse and from what I have seen in life it will get worse.It will never get better.But please before you break up call a women's shelter so you can learn to do this in a safe way.Abusers flip out when you leave them.And he will and you will not be safe.Honest to God I have seen this play out so many times in my life.Please stay safe.Get advice from that shelter and begin an abuse free life.You deserve to be safe and happy.My thoughts are with you.Take care.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (2 May 2021):
 Your reply appeared after I had posted so I will just add this: as well as him having a vile temper, you have trust issues with him, so, again, I ask "WHY do you stay?"
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (2 May 2021):
 Has he cheated on you in the past?.
Have you found evidence that he is cheating?.
You don't trust him, if a relationship does not have trust its going to head in a downward spiral anyway.
On top of everything else, i would say its time to walk away from this relationship.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 May 2021):
 So if you think HE is cheating, again, WHY do you put up with that shit too?
Let's say he isn't cheating, OK? Then you really don't trust him, he treats you like crap...
I don't get it. There is nothing there for you OR him.
Even if you accuse him of cheating it doesn't give him the right to act and behave this way.
But WHY OH WHY do you stay with this douche-canoe?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (1 May 2021):
I would do as instructed - fuck off and not look back.
It doesn't sound like you live together, so what are you actually getting from this relationship? Whatever it is, is it worth being abused in this way? Is this all you think you are worth?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2021): It is the OP. He acts that way when I keep accusing him of cheating on me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2021): What everyone has missed so far is you say when we are arguing, what are these arguements about, it takes two to have an argument so what are you saying and doing when they are happening?
No in general his behaviour is out of order and abusive and from what you have wrote his behaviour is frequent so it's highly doubtful he will change, you have put up with his behaviour so he has gone over the boundaries and I don't think you attempting to put them in place will make any difference now.
Your relationship is toxic, at best you could go to couples therapy together but I don't personally think it can be fixed from what you have wrotw
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2021): Next time he does that take your shoe off and keep hitting him on his head face and mouth till he promises never to abuse you again, if he doesn't then pack your things and go. But either way do as I told you with your shoes first. Good luck. I can't stand abusers.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (1 May 2021):
There are just to many red flags here OP, he has no respect for you what so ever, he has a temper and is abusive.
You say he is your long term partner, so you have been together for a considerable amount of time. Has he been like this for all the duration of your relationship?. Or is this only happening in later years?.
Either way, from what you have mentioned in your post his actions are very worrying indeed, and quite frankly you deserve better.
I would end it and move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2021): Hi
Quite simple, I would knock his lights out.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (30 April 2021):
 I would be gone. There is absolutely no reason to put up with that kind of behavior. NONE. When I was 19 and got married, my husband treated me in a similar manner. He also hit me. I was very young and frightened and it wasn't until he broke my arm that I realized I needed to stop hiding and pretending everything was ok. I broke down and told my parents. That was 35 plus years ago. Now there is absolutely no way I would put up with a man even talking to me in anything less than a respectful manner.
GET OUT!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2021): I'm not sure how many times and in how many ways you want advice for this question you have asked several times on here?
He is from another culture right, you're asking about your partner like you did last week, in which you gave more information. Read back on the advice you was given, it's the same as what it's to this question
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2021): NO, THIS CANNOT BE FIXED!!! To tell you otherwise, might be a disservice to you! If he isn't willing to go get professional help with his temper; you're just biding time until he cracks your skull. He is getting increasingly irritated with you!
Your silly tears mean nothing to him. You know it!
If that partner is your boyfriend, you should dump him for being abusive and aggressive!
You're an intelligent mature-woman over 50; you shouldn't need other people to tell you what to do about a man like that. Especially, if that man isn't even your husband! What would you advise your daughter to do, if she was with a man like him? How would you advise your sister or your best-friend?
If he is your husband, suggest to him he has two choices. He get's anger-management counseling; or you both should go to marriage-counseling, because YOU REALIZE you are in an abusive-marriage. Keep the police on speed dial! Make emergency-preparations to leave (if you live with this man); and start talking to a divorce attorney, if he's your husband. At even the slightest suggestion that he needs help, I predict he will fly into a rage! He'll probably call you every filthy name in the book! You already know, without even making the suggestion, he will not agree to that! I can only speculate, but you know him! You're in denial if you think that kind of man is fixable! You're not an inexperienced teenage-girl, or in your 20's! You know exactly what you're dealing with; but looking for an excuse to keep him!
IF A MAN CAN ABUSE YOU MENTALLY, PHYSICALLY, AND VERBALLY...HE...DOES...NOT...LOVE...YOU!!! He owns or possesses you! You are in emotional-bondage!
Just because he apologizes, or cries crocodile-tears while begging on his hands and knees; that doesn't mean squat!!! He has worked too hard breaking you down to gain control over you; and he's not letting all that hard-work and mental-torture just go to waste! You can't just leave, or kick him out! He'll raise all hell and fury! Most abused-women hold-on too long; until they're only a pile of quivering-flesh! Useless to themselves; or to their kids, who depend on them! Totally incapable of ever having a healthy loving-relationship; without being an emotionally-damaged hot mess in it!
You need to seek counseling yourself; if you can't find the strength and courage to leave an abusive-relationship, or marriage.
I'll be frank with my advice to you. It's very difficult advising women over 30, in such relationships; because most will never leave their abusive-boyfriends or husbands. They'll just give-up and stay. Fearing being alone over 40 as a worse alternative. Many are financially-dependent on these monsters; yet are terrified of them! Thinking they won't find anybody else, because of their age. Foolishly hoping they can cure them with love, submission, and obedience.
What you've described is classic gaslighting. It's how aggressive people gain control over you, by making you feel you're weak, helpless, and stupid. They make you question your own sanity and intelligence. They lower your self-esteem. You'll start to blame yourself for upsetting them; and you'll question your own judgement. Suddenly it seems, he's right; and it's all your fault.
It seems you are dealing with a narcissist. They have a knack for making you believe you're the problem; and there's something wrong with you! You don't see what you see, you don't hear what you hear, and you don't know what you know! You're always being such a pain in the butt!
You will not change him. Being nice will not diffuse his angry tantrums, or quell his ever-present hostility. It will only get worse, because continually annoying him usually leads to hitting, breaking things, and violent behavior.
You knew the answer before asking the question.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 April 2021):
I would end it.
Enough is enough.
Why do you put up with this shit?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2021): Answer is quite logical ... leave... I wouldn’t put up with that shit
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