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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend left his wife for me. He says he loves me. If so, why do I always feel so anxious, scared and insecure around him? Even though he's divorced and proclaiming his undying love and devotion to me? Do you think I could ever be happy with him? Will therapy help us? It seems I am struggling to find peace and safety in this relationship, even now. I live in the fear of not being good enough for him or that he is cheating or will cheat on me at any point in time given an opportunity. And I read into his actions and behaviors and I automatically assume he is cheating, even when he keeps denying it and tells me its my anxiety. It is a very lonely and painful place. I just want to be happy but I feel so tormented all the time. I do love this man and I do want to be with him but he scares me. Can anyone help me?
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divorce, insecure, mistress, want to be happy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2021): Female Anon, it looks like the fear of him cheating on you dulled your emotions to the point where you no longer love him or care. It happened over time and most likely it was a subconscious psychological reaction (defence mechanism). Add to that, it's not going to be exciting like it used to be, and you have just settled if there is no love. What will happen when a new, more exciting man comes along? You are in a prime position for other affairs by the looks of it. If you aren't happy, why are you still with him?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2021): You reap what you sew.Now you got a cheater.Karma.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2021): What goes around comes around... best you can do now is try therapy. But I suspect you will always have this niggling feeling.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2021): You've seen firsthand what he's capable of. His wife deserves some restitution for her loss. This is how we reap what we sow. You should never covet another woman's husband, or another man's wife. He's now yours, you didn't give-up until you got him. Your post is a testimony to all the other mistresses out there.
I'm not kicking you while you're down. I think you're learning something, and you've shared it. It may help others, and you might find some redemption in that.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (29 April 2021):
 I agree with all the other aunts that have answered your post here.
He cheated on his wife to be with you, so the infancy of this relationship started from distrust. So there is a good chance that when he gets bored he could very well start getting wondering eyes.
Trust is one of the most important contributing factors that bind a relationship together, without trust its normally a downward spiral.
I don't think therapy will help you, you are not going to have the fact that he cheated on his wife erased from your memory.
You may very well love him, but you are living in torment, waiting for him to cheat on you. This is no way to live op, these feeling are unhealthy, and will end up making you ill.
You have two options here, work on this relationship, trust him, and see where it goes.
Or if you feel you are going to distrust him till the end of time, then your best bet would be to end things with him and get your life get back together, and start a new relationship on less shaky grounds.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (29 April 2021):
 Sorry op but, get them by cheating, lose them to cheating. I suspect, deep down, you actually know this, hence your insecurity. How can you trust a man who you know for a fact is capable of cheating on his wife? Is this how you want to live the rest of your life, worrying about who he is with and when he is going to leave you?
I wonder if he used to blame his wife's "anxiety" when he was cheating with you and she questioned him because she knew, in her gut, something was wrong? I wonder if he used to reassure his wife how much he loved her at the start of their relationship? My guess is, the answer to both those questions is in the affirmative. Imagine how she felt when he dumped her for a new model.
As my dear departed mother used to say: you should never try to build your happiness on someone else's unhappiness. The universe doesn't work that way.
We can do whatever we want to in this life but we need to always remember that everything comes with a "price". The price you are paying for taking this man away from his wife is your peace of mind. Only you can decide whether this cheater is worth it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2021): I will level with you.
I've been in your situation. Still am really.
My partner left his wife for me many years ago and I was never happy from the get go.
I learnt to trust him after a few years and would trust him with my life right now but do I love him? Not a bit. I went off him many years ago. Maybe I trust him because I don't care anymore but that's that.
The point i'm making is you may learn to trust him but you will probably find the relationship goes stale long before then as what was once exciting is now just a dull boring normal relationship.
Enjoy!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 April 2021):
 Unfortunately, your relationship started out with lies, deceit, and cheating.
He lied to you (without doubt), he deceived you (without doubt) and he did the same to his wife with the added cheating.
So if you think now that you are together, he will treat you better than he did his wife, then you are fooling yourself.
Does it mean he is cheating on you right now? Maybe not yet. When he gets tired of being accused of cheating, having to explain where he has been at every hour eventually he MIGHT decide that it's easier to just START over with someone else. He MIGHT or MIGHT NOT tell you. YOU might end up being his rebound.
You got with a man that wasn't trustworthy. A trustworthy man will not cheat on someone he married. Someone he gave his vows to. If he no longer wants to be married, if he is no longer fulfilled he should have LEFT before looking for love. Instead, he USED his wife as a safety net and you as his way out.
I don't think counseling can change how you feel.
I don't think HE can change either. Cheating is a CHOICE. Rather a SERIES of choices. It doesn't "just" happen.
If you take a little time to think about this, WHAT can he do that will make you think you can trust him?
Make a list and then talk to him.
My guess is even if he does all those things you will still never trust him 100%.
It's strange how that works out, isn't it?
You wanted another woman's husband so bad you were willing to lower your morals and standards and now that he is yours... it's not what you had hoped it would be. How do you think the wife felt? (if she ever had an inkling that he was a cheating bastard). She probably felt insecure, anxious, distrustful. ALL the while he was playing honeymoon with you.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (29 April 2021):
 I am not here to throw stones at you OP. The sad truth though is that he cheated to be with you, you also were cheating so how can you honestly truth him and feel good about the relationship? The odds are that you will never totally trust each other. I have no idea how to tell you to calm your fears because they are real and not unfounded. Without trust, the relationship won't survive. Can your relationship make it? Sure it can but you will really have to work at it, and because of your past, harder than most because of the shaky foundation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2021): logically speaking, initially you never had the expectation of fidelity from him. You guys probably had fun, hence there were no expectations i guess. Now that the fun is over and you have him now, naturally you want him for yourself. This feeling and expectation of staying faithful is the natural course that any relationship takes. Its not getting fulfilled here because of your boyfriend's pashistory. Its your own brain asking - " If he couldn't stay faithful to your wife, then why you?". Its probably also saying-" You already knew this didn't you ? " Karma sometimes can take form of our own conscience too.I would say prioritize yourself and put yourself in the center of your universe in any case. I guess you asked this question coz you do not want to risk you heart being broken and you already saw this guy doing that to someone else. A simple yet very difficult solution, is not to expect him to be yours alone. You don't have to voice it out to him but tell this to yourself. It will help lower expectation on your part and maybe make you less anxious. Try referencing back to those days when you didn't have this expectation from him, when he was married to another woman. That's one way of reducing your worry.The other way is come to terms with the fact that your heart and mind will be in constant chatter, telling you that cheater's cheat. See what you want more - his presence in your life or the absence of anxiety? You need to make a decision here. If you choose him, learn to deal with your fears- do whatever it takes- therapy, counselling etc - but all for you. Don't drag him into this. This for you to cope up with your insecurities. For you to learn to deal with a possible pattern that YOU may have a problem with. If your anxiety whose absence you value more- then you dont need this man in your life. Living a happy secure life as a single woman or with another man who is completely devoted to you, is worth more than worrying if your man is indeed yours every living minute.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2021): You feel anxious because you know that what he did was not right.
As a mistress you could always rationalize that it is HIS marriage and HIS problem, that you are doing nothing wrong. But... you could not forego the fact that HE was doing the cheating, hence the anxiety.
So, how can you trust a cheater?
You can't, but, there's one thing, one quality you have you can use to your advantage - self delusion.
You can try and talk yourself into believing that what you're doing is fine. I'm not being cynical here.
As a mistress you had nothing to lose, but now you fear that you have. There's the rub.
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