A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,What would you consider early warning signs if a controlling man? My boyfriend of 10 months as shown a few signs but I'm not sure if I'm over thinking. He doesn't like me wearing make up, accused me of wearing clear tights so other people would see my legs, puts me down sometimes ie when I cudddled him said I'm always throwing myself at him made me feel rubbish, is a bit jealous of other men but openly flirts with girls, and the worse yet when he was on the phone I playfully kissed him and he pushed my head away abruptly the other time he was annoyed at me and when I pulled his zip up on his jacket it caught he and he physically pushed me away again. Is this my fault? Or a natural reaction. Please help I can't judge myself anymore. Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2012): Life is to short to be hurt,put down, hit on, belittled live your life this guy is sick he is throwed off and if you stay he will be going up against your head next.LEAVE NOW!
A
female
reader, Staceily  +, writes (5 November 2012):
 Yes he is controlling and there is no sugar coating it. Immediately when you said he doesn't allow you to wear tights because other men look at you... That's all you need to know. Controlling and abusive nature includes lack of self esteem and jealousy. He is very insecure and doesn't want you to appear appealing to men, thus the controlling of what you wear that is attractive- make up and tights. He is belittling you and making you more unattractive and uncomfortable around men so you will stick to him. You will need him. You wont question what he does because you are lucky to have him, he sticks with you despite your flaws he has planted in your head. Controlling is actually a lesser worry because he will be physically abusive if you stay with him. He has already pushed you. He has already made you question whether you are at fault for his actions. He's got you right where he wants you... growing up with an abusive father you learn and know all of the signs. None of these are actions of a secure normal happy man. Most men would never dream of laying a hand on their girlfriend/wife, let alone SHOVE her no matter how "annoying" she is acting. Run away and fast, it will only get worse.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 November 2012):
 Yes, I see them as red flags. OK so he doesn't like "nude" stocking, but HE isn't wearing them and I don't see why he should dictate what color you wear.
So he doesn't like you wearing make up - OK some men don't like make up and some do. Some associate it with prostitutes or "slutty" women. Does that mean you are or will become either of those if you wear make up? Hardly. And If you like it, you should do it.
And "playfully" messing with him when he is on the phone, sorry lady, that is juvenile and rude.. It's a PAY attention to me!! LOOK at me!! It's not cute. However, he didn't have to get physical. Not one bit.
Putting you down over little things IS a way to control you, because some women will react to that by trying harder to please and not trusting their own behavior, gut or sense of self. Just read your own post... If someone else had written it wouldn't you assume she didn't trust her own gut? He's already got your second-guessing yourself.
From the little you have written, he doesn't sound like a keeper to me.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 November 2012):
 ONE thing in your list alone would not be cause for concern but having a full list like you do is cause for concern.
My husband prefers me in skirts and heels. He gets what I'm comfy in except for date night when I will dress to his taste... other than that.. jeans and flats... DEAL with it.
As for makeup... he prefers me with it... if i go barefaced a few days he says nothing... I did it once for 8 weeks during a house renovation and he finally asked "are you ever going to wear makeup again?" that was the gentle push I needed to get back on track.....
if you want to wear skin colored tights then wear them. IF he doesn't like it he can lump it. IF he gets abusive verbally or physically, you WALK...
he makes you feel like rubbish because you allow it...
it's not your fault or a natural reaction... pushing is never allowed but then bugging him is not a good idea either... my husband has a hair trigger temper but when he gets all puffy and angry I just say "bye" and walk away... I knew this when I married him and agreed to it.
IF you are not happy I strongly suggest you consider ending the relationship.
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A
female
reader, cgrlygo +, writes (5 November 2012):
 Run away!!!!!!! Can't say that loud enough...shoved you? Pushed you? Put you down? Honey if that's not on your dating list wants then get out!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): Having just come out of a controlling relationship my first reaction is 'yes'. My b/f was the same and I am in your age range.
Make up is a very personal thing. I wear make up because I like it and it makes me feel good. It is part of who I am. Its a big part of feeling feminine for me.
As for the horseplay. You sound like fun. It sounds to me like he has 'issues' and this is just the begining believe me.
Always trust your instinct. You are not over reaction you are picking up on your intuition. I would say either talk to him and see how he reacts. If he is defensive and won't compromise at this early stage I would seriously think about getting out.
I saw red flags all the time over a boyfriend who criticized basic things about me and it escalated.
Always always trust your instinct. The fact you are on here is the first step to you doubting things. If your boyfriend was your best friends boyfriend and he was behaving like this with her what would you advise??? Yes you already know.....
Always be true to yourself. Dont get sucked in and get attached. The longer you are with this man the harder it will be. Controlling men dont change they just get more controlling and make you more miserable.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): Having just come out of a controlling relationship my first reaction is 'yes'. My b/f was the same and I am in your age range.
Make up is a very personal thing. I wear make up because I like it and it makes me feel good. It is part of who I am. Its a big part of feeling feminine for me.
As for the horseplay. You sound like fun. It sounds to me like he has 'issues' and this is just the begining believe me.
Always trust your instinct. You are not over reaction you are picking up on your intuition. I would say either talk to him and see how he reacts. If he is defensive and won't compromise at this early stage I would seriously think about getting out.
I saw red flags all the time over a boyfriend who criticized basic things about me and it escalated.
Always always trust your instinct. The fact you are on here is the first step to you doubting things. If your boyfriend was your best friends boyfriend and he was behaving like this with her what would you advise??? Yes you already know.....
Always be true to yourself. Dont get sucked in and get attached. The longer you are with this man the harder it will be. Controlling men dont change they just get more controlling and make you more miserable.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): I'm not sure OP, I personally find horseplay really annoying. I'm on the phone, leave me alone, it's not a time for you to start fucking with me or trying to get my attention. Stop pulling on the zip on my jacket, what are you twelve?
He may just be the same OP, I just really don't like being pushed and pulled and messed with physically when I'm doing something else, you may find it playful or whatever but I find it extremely annoying. My brain just doesn't do well in those circumstances. Like wrestling with friends I can't do either because my brain will flip if it feels pain and I can lose my temper. Start messing with my zip, that pisses me off and I will react OP.
It's not a sign that I'm abusive but I'm pretty sure it's a biproduct of childhood abuse I suffered. When you're dragged around the house by your hair, have TV's thrown at you and get sudden smacks in the face when you're 8 years old on a regular basis you kind of don't like people grabbing and pushing you anymore. So I'm very adverse to people physically messing with me, I literally cannot control how my brain responds to that, although I can control my reaction which is usually to stop what's happening before things get out of hand.
I don't like my girlfriend wearing make up either I think it looks disgusting on women and she knows that. But it's not something that I have any emotion for, I also do not tell her to remove it or put her down for wearing it. I will compliment her when she's done up and that's it. She knows my feelings about it she doesn't need reminding ever. So I would say that him. He doesn't get to make sly little comments like that OP.
Now saying all that there is some cause for concern in certain behaviours. If he's constantly making comments and putting you down that's not good. My girlfriend knows my position on make up and I will freely criticize women in magazines and stuff that look ridiculous with it on but never her. If I think she has too much eye shadow on and it doesn't work well with her features or the colour dress she's wearing I will say so if she asks but I don't need to ever remind her of anything that she already knows, we don't have to agree on everything but I certainly don't get to dictate my views onto her and she certainly wouldn't stick around if I was judgemental or critical of her in any way, that's not what a partnership is about.
So yes this could be early signs OP. They're certainly a cause to cautious, but look the horseplay thing is not. Not everyone finds a grown woman of 30+ pulling and dragging at you like a teenager at a mall to be fun or trying to distract you from a phone call. I personally just want to be left alone in that sense, I don't like unexpected physical horseplay. I can have fun and tease and wrestle my girlfriend but I have to be in a certain mood and it's very obvious when I am in that mood.
My advice would be caution but you have to be very firm with him OP. Very firm. Think of how you train a mischievous, hyper active dog. You do not allow undesirable behaviours to go left unhindered. You stop them, he makes a comment about your make up you stop what you're doing, you look at him and sternly tell him you're very aware of his feelings on the issue and he is never to bring it up again as a means to make you feel bad and put you down. If he even attempts to deny what that is you stay firm and say that's exactly what's happening and you will stop, end of discussion.
10 months in OP and you're still just getting to now each other in a deep sense, how you act, how you react, what behaviours are acceptable etc. Nip all this kind of crap in the bud right now and stand up for yourself. These could be the early signs of a controlling weirdo or they could just be bad habits he's forming and perhaps he's just an loud mouth judgemental, cynic that doesn't know your boundaries properly yet.
So talk to him about all this and lay down some boundaries and most importantly stick to those boundaries and do not let him get away with crossing them.
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A
female
reader, Orbiter  +, writes (5 November 2012):
I would say these are all big warning signs of a controlling man. He's putting you down, wearing away your self-esteem, trying to control what you wear. You're already at the stage where you're doubting yourself, questioning your own judgement and wondering if it's your fault.
You wouldn't believe how many women think it's their fault in a controlling relationship. They start to think it's their fault for e.g wearing the wrong sort clothing and so their partner is perfectly justified in acting the way he does, which is abusive. The fact you're starting to think this way is really worrying. You should be able to wear what you want, when you want not have someone else decide for you.
Pushing you away physically (unless it was done very playfully/gently) was completely unnecessary, if you were distracting him or something, he could have just backed away (which would have been a natural reaction). It seems like this was aggressive behaviour and could be the first step of physical abuse, next might come slapping or pushing you to the floor.
Get out of this relationship now. I suspect it's only going to get worse from here on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): Sounds to me like these are indeed early signs of emotional and physical abuse. It can get worse. Don't let anyone put you down or blame you for being affectionate. Consider distancing yourself from this man.
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A
male
reader, tamperingtampaguy +, writes (5 November 2012):
I would seriously consider ending it. I have ended things right away with women with unprovoked putdowns. Negativity is never a good thing. One should feel good in a relationship not bad.
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