| A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes: We are married 25 years ago. Our children are not living with us anymore, we have all the time, to have great sex. But instead of that, we have none.How a man can complete lose his sexual interest,like that? My husband says, he never thinks of sex not with me, and not with anybody else. Sex is non existent to him... Never thinks of it, or brings it up.He never really getting an erection, and we he does he is losing it. Especially after foreplay. Feels very strange,and hurtful. He denies ,it is because of me.He did go for medical check up several times, but they never found anything wrong with his health.I have really difficult time to accept this,as I don't know what to accept.If he is healthy medically, what could cause such a major sexual interest loss.Hormones are k too. He used to have very high sex drive. He says he loves me, but its been like that several years ago now. What do you think?
View related questions:
erection, foreplay, sex drive Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2011): Hi,
I'm the OP.
Thanks so much for the answers.
For unknown2u !
I was very interested in your answer because it described both things, what my husband claims to not have
1, boredom
2,medical condition.
That is why , I'm so lost. You said , we are in a better situation, but clearly, no.
Because you know why things are not working, but I don't.
So, I can only guess.
I think sometimes, that he is in some self deception, but
I can't ask him no more, as he wouldn't say more.
In my worst moments, I think of leaving him, because it is a torture not to know. Even so , I would be able to stay, if I would know he is sick, or gay, or so on. Or , he has a fantasy. But no clue. Im in the dark. Let me know what you think.
A
male
reader, unknown2u  +, writes (28 September 2011):
I certainly don't know what's going on with him, or in your relationship. So take what I say in that context.My exclusive relationship with my wife, including the dating before marriage, is now coming up on 29 years, so I perhaps have some relevant perspective. Married sex is routine and predictable. For us there are two or maybe three scripts. There's no thrill of the unpredictable or the spontaneous. And our communication sucks. If that describes you at all, it might be something to consider. I watched a show on TV last night -- a 30ish couple, she's getting ready for work in the morning, wearing just a towel after her shower, anxious to get to work; he nestles up to her, kisses her neck, then steals the towel; she decides its OK to be late for work. I just sighed, because I remember it being like that. And it ain't that way no more.Age and infirmity. When we were first together and for most of the years thereafter an erection was simply a given -- it was there when it was needed, and there pretty much as long as she wanted it. And round two, if she wanted, wasn't long in the making. I'm very sad to say that's no longer the case.For us the situation is just not what it was. I went on blood pressure meds, and that cut my ability to have an erection by maybe half. It still happens, but I my brain needs to fire on all neurons -- which doesn't happen with any of the routine scripts. She's only pleasured by hard and fast, so the fact that it's not working for her means my neurons fire a lot less. It's a bit of a death spiral -- I can't do it as well, it works less for her .... You get the picture. You've said the docs haven't found a problem, so you're half way better than us. What you have to address is the routine. Are you willing to explore what might get his neurons firing again -- some new thing, a fantasy? Is your communication good enough that you could actually discuss things that are beyond your script? I'm not necessarily suggesting the bizarre. But are you genuinely open to things that he might desire but never dared tell you about?I have half a dozen ideas that would work for me but I don't dare discuss with her. Maybe your husband is the same? If he's like me, you could push some buttons and change your world.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (28 September 2011):
Hi there. Perhaps he is suffering with depression.
Maybe he has a stressful job. He might be a bit bored with his life.
Apart from the sex life, how is the rest of your life with him?
Do you communicate well with each other?
When you talk to each other, do you really listen to each other - face to face - as opposed to across the room or from different rooms shouting out to each other?
If all this is going well for you generally speaking, well then maybe it's simply a case of his energy levels are much less than they used to be.
Perhaps you could introduce exercise into your lives.
You could go for a nice long walk together maybe before your evening meal, say for about 30 minutes to about 1 hour.
If you are not used to exercising, well then just start out with 30 minutes. Then over a few days to a week or so, extend it to 60 minutes.
While you are walking together, you can talk while you walk and look at things and houses, gardens, listen to the birds singing and just enjoying nature.
It's a great way to get away from it all, without actually going away. It's a break from routine and adds some interest into your lives.
With regular walking, all your muscles will be strengthened - especially your leg muscles - and consequently your fitness levels will increase as well. And as you know, when you are reasonably fit you also have more energy. Much more energy.
It's entirely possible, that exercise is the missing component from both your lives.
Exercise has many benefits as you know, and one of the key bonuses is you definitely have much more energy.
Of course as with with anything, the most important thing is REGULAR exercise. Not, just when you think of it.
Ideally, every day would be perfect. Certainly though, at least 3-5 days a week, to get the most benefit.
Even if you are already exercising (walking or going to the gym), and he's not, you probably already have pretty good fitness and energy levels.
If he wouldn't go on his own to walk, well then that's the reason I suggested that you both walk together. That way you're also getting to know each other all over again, because you are in different surroundings.
A change is as good as a holiday.
As you have said there seems to be no medical reason for his apparent lack of interest in sex - such as hormones - for this happening, I really believe it's very likely to be about his general energy levels.
If you can encourage him to walk with you and try to get up a good pace, don't just dawdle - not too fast of course - just comfortable, so you can talk without getting too puffed, that would be great. It doesn't take much time to start gaining fitness and more energy. It will also help you both to sleep even better than you do now.
You will both probably find that within 2 weeks, you will both have gained quite a noticeable fitness. I guarantee you won't look back.
And then when you have more fitness, who knows where that might lead? He might be chasing you around the house! You never know.
Please give it a go. I really believe it could definitely make a positive difference for you both.
...............................
A
female
reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (28 September 2011):
 I am not in your age braket, so my answer is not from experience. But, I recently had a conversation with my fiance about sexual arousal. Our conversation had to do with what happens to a mans sex drive later in life. He said he had talked to some friends he had while college and they were in their late 30's and already starting to experience what you describe your husband is experiencing. They said it was natural and they ended up getting viagra to help. They said you just don't want sex as much as you did when you were younger. My fiance said he can understand how that can happen since even his sex drive has gone down in the past four years or so. He used to masturbate every day and now he only does that if we haven't had sex in a few days. I would believe your husband when he says it's not you. I understand how it can be hurtful, but think about it in his eyes. He sees he's hurting you, and he doesn't know how to change it. Maybe suggest viagra to him and see if it helps. Tell him how much you want to make love to him as a reason to try it. My guess is he will be willing to give it a try if it will make you happy.
Good luck.
...............................
|
