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36-40,
anonymous
writes: What are some of the biggest signs he is losing interest in you?Also what out of these are signs?If before he always wanted you to wear lingerie and now you do and he just ignores you or looks annoyed?If you say you want to get more lingerie and he says "why?"?He is less interested in sex? It seems now you mostly initiate when he used to?Is him making friends with a lot more girls a sign? He secretly donated money to a girl to participate in a charity that you would have been 100% supportive of him donating, but he didn't tell you at all.... I'm in a lot of pain. Any answers are helpful please.Is him never saying anything negative or positive about you to his friends a sign? Is him saying lots of positive things about his female friends to his other friends a sign?
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (4 October 2011):
Hi. If you haven't mentioned to him about the possibility of losing your job, well then you do need to tell him.
Don't keep it from him, whatever you do.
One way of looking at this is, this will now force him to make other financial plans for himself, because the reality now, is he really DOES NOT have a choice.
I'm not saying that you will definitely lose your job, and I don't mean it to sound like that. I always like to think on the positive side of things about everything.
What I am meaning however, is by the very fact that things have suddenly changed - or the possibility of it at least - this forces both you and him into thinking in different ways from how you thought while things were fairly secure.
It's about to burst his bubble. Maybe.
Adversity can teach us many things about ourselves and about life generally.
Although this is potentially a negative thing, it might just be a testing time for you both as a couple. Because it's a matter of thinking on your feet.
Once you find out how your job is going to pan out, well then you can begin to start towards looking for other work. Even if it's only part time.
I can't remember whether you said this, but do you have a mortgage? Or, are you paying rent? I guess it's the same either way really, it often works out at the same amount or at least very close.
So it's going to help you now tremendously, to have a serious think about how you are going to handle no wage coming in for a few weeks or months. Do you have any savings you could survive on for say 6 months, if need be?
Even though you haven't actually lost your job yet, and you don't really know that you definitely will, it's a really wise thing to start thinking in terms of how to handle it if you did. In other words, having a solid plan in place to accommodate the changes it will bring to you.
So I am talking about a Plan "B".
So I'd say regardless of how you think it might all pan out, begin now making some solid plans anyway - just in case - so that if and when it does happen, you will be completely prepared for it. And I promise you, you will be very glad you did.
In these tough economic times, and it does seem to be getting worse over the last month or two, it's very wise to being looking at other options, it really is. Even if you do end up keeping your job. Have a plan anyway, for the future. Because these days, you just never know what lies ahead.
So in good times (which unfortunately, isn't now), it's always good to save some money every week, so that within a few months you have enough to survive for about 6 months - without a job. Should that occur.
Why I say 6 months, is sometimes it could take that long to find another suitable job for yourself. It might not also, and of course in the meantime - should you lose your job - getting some casual or part time work in the meantime, until you attain a permanent full time job again.
In other words, whatever work you can get. The main point is having a regular amount of money coming in each week, to make ends meet.
And it is possible to live on less than you get now. You will be surprised if you sit down and write out all your expenses - rent or mortgage, petrol, food, internet access, mobiles, landline, water, gas, electricity and land rates and cable (if you have it). You might just be surprised to find that your expenses are not as great as you first thought.
So really, this is far more urgent than the situation with your husband's antics etc. Because, this affects everyone!
I absolutely understand your concern for the risk of possibly losing your job. However, the more you plan now for it actually happening, the much better prepared you will be, should it actually eventuate.
Stay positive, and start planning now.
You might not end up losing your job now, however it might happen in a few months time. It's always good to have a plan anyway, just in case.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOn top of it all now I may be losing my job. :(
My life is a mess. Thank you all for your responses. I'm so lonely now. I spend the whole weekend feeling utterly alone even though he was at the house. I don't know what is going to happen, but I know his business will fail if I lose my job.
Thank you.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (1 October 2011):
Hi. So you have given me an even fuller picture of the whole story now than before, so it is much clearer to me.You had given us some information, however not to the extent that this has come to.I am now concerned also. Because you have given me the whole story.There is one thing where you have a whole lot more control over his life than you realize. You have said here in your last comment, that you are virtually supporting him completely - financially.Because $300 per month, in reality is not very much money, and certainly not enough to run or help run the household, by any means. He knows this, I'm sure.That works out at $75 per week.It appears that he is expecting you to pay for everything, like it's his God-given right to do that. And then he treats you with utter disrespect.I actually think he's jealous that you make so much money. Probably always has been. Some men can't handle their woman bringing more home than them. It makes them feel insecure and less of a man.It is what it is.He is definitely taking you for granted by doing that and not giving anything back to the relationship in return. It might not be near so bad, if he was making a contribution to the relationship - with his time - to attend important occasions, such as:-(1) Your birthday.(2) Your son's birthday.(3) Your wedding anniversary.(4) The presentation award for your son.(5) St Valentine's Day.The point I am making is, he's not really present in the relationship at all. Well very little, anyway.So with his small income, you are not only contributing to the household expenses, you are paying any expenses towards his business as well. And driving him around - so apparently, he doesn't have a car. Is that right?I suspect that it is.Four crucial points you made here - Bank, Maid, Chauffeur, Nanny.You can now change this, quite a lot.The Chauffeur - just don't be available. Tell him he will have to either walk, get one of his "associates" to pick him up, or catch a bus! And you can go see your friends and enjoy yourself! You are not his slave.The bank account is a major major one.Is it an account that is used with an auto teller for withdrawals - with a card?What you are going to have to do now, is to open a new statement account - in your name only. Then see the pay officer at your work, and have your pay transferred into the new account in future. So that your husband has NO access to your account whatsoever.No access, means he gets no money.He then has to resort to a plan "B".In the meantime, until your pay is transferred to the new account, be diligent in drawing out before he has a chance to draw out some for himself. Then when he goes to an auto teller, he will get a message which says - "Insufficient Funds".This will sink his ship - BIG TIME !!If this is a joint account, well then I suggest you transfer the balance to the new account, except for say enough to pay your monthly bank fees for about 4 months - so the account stays open.When he knows the finances are drying up, he has to make other plans. He then has no other choice, does he?Of course, you can probably expect a few fireworks. No big deal though.Then, you just tell him straight - exactly how it is.Once things start turning sour on the homefront for him, he will then have to start thinking about what things are truly important to him in his life. At the moment, he isn't giving too much thought to that, or so it seems.Yes, you definitely have a lot more control over this whole situation than you think you do.Regards being a Nanny, well unfortunately that can't be changed entirely. Depending on how old your son is, perhaps you could get him minded by your parents once a week, so you could have a free night for yourself, with your friends. It would do you a whole lot of good. A thing that probably is non-existent in your life, at the moment.Yes, you have more control over this situation than you believe. No doubt about it.The first consideration for you now though, is that you know the things you DON'T like about all this with how your husband is living his life.I completely understand that you feel rather powerless to change things.Once you have a think about what you don't like about every little thing in this situation, then you can consider the actions you can begin to make to start changing things to make your life better - for you.Obviously, there are some things you can't change - like your husband's lifestyle and the fact he seems to flirt with some of the women he is associated with, as a result.The things you CAN change are the finance and the chauffeur.And certainly, these will have by far, the greatest impact on him - immediately.If you have a think about some of the suggestions I have made here, you can possibly work out how you could do things differently in future. Regards the finance and chauffeur, especially. Those two will make a huge impact on his lifestyle.The crucial point to remember here, is he is very heavily dependent upon you for almost everything! And this is precisely, what gives you the power to change this situation, once and for all.He is NOT self-sufficient at all - and he knows it only too well. He believes in his own self-deluded way, that it will just carry on like this, forever - for the rest of his life. Simply because that's what he wants it to be.While you are doing all those things for him, he doesn't need to bother trying to help himself. In fact, it is almost like a mother and son relationship. You are like his mother! Well, the duties of a mother at any rate - finance and chauffeur.So you have some serious thinking to do.Good luck and please DO NOT be his slave. You deserve better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess after years of being told that everything I do is stupid, wrong, unimportant, boring, and not worth his time is just to the end now.
I can count the number of times he's told me I did a good job at anything on one hand. He loves to point out how I fail and anything bad is my fault.
Oh yeah, this business makes money. He makes an average of $17 a day for about 9-16 hours of work. This is very "successful" in this industry. He gets paid in lump sums every 30 days, and 20% of it goes to his real collegue, and then of course tax is taken out, too. So he makes around $300 a month. The success part is that now he has a bunch of women to flirt with. And a bunch of guys who praise him constantly for how "cool" he is.
And yes, he doesn't make us a priority any more. He didn't go to my birthday "just in case" he had a lot of viewers. Which ended up being less than 20 people. This is the second year in a row he's missed my birthday because he'd rather do something else. Now he is not going the award ceremony of our son, who has won his first award ever, because he needs to be online. (Oh, and PS, he makes the SAME $17 a day whether he is online or not.)
He also gets perks like his co-workers send him pictures of the girls they flirt with in lingerie. And these girls are not collegues. They are fishing for men. They know gamers want to see girls in their underware, etc. It would be like going to McDonalds and handing the guy at the drive in your phone number and flashing him your nipples. And then going home and watching them undress on skype.
So you, know, it's hard not to be insecure. And this has lifted a curtain in my brain and I know where I stand now.
Me = bank/maid/chauffer/nanny
Him = King to be bowed to
So I'm grieving. But thank you for telling me that my partner should never ever acknowledge me. Because he already doesn't, so now I know that's what relationshps are just for sex.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (29 September 2011):
Hi. Perhaps he is so wrapped up in his computer gaming business, that he's placed it as top priority - even over his relationship with you.
Sure, business is important, however it's not the most important part of his life. His relationship with you should be a higher priority.
It's great that his business seems to be going fairly well, so I'm guessing that it must be bringing in some form of income.
The girl who set up his website design, is probably a bit like a business consultant - or even a business coach - who has made a difference to the presentation of his website, so it's quite normal that he would feel appreciative of that. Anyone would.
What I would be doing if I were you, is to ignore these seemingly flirtatious encounters, and take it with a grain of salt, and think nothing more about it. They are neither here nor there really.
What seems to be the problem, is that you don't feel you are good enough - at some level anyway - and so, you want him, or rather NEED him to validate your successes. This can be draining on another person, to continually have to give you accolades for your accomplishments. He's flat out dealing with his own successes!
It sounds like you are approval seeking, with him. And it's probably become more of an issue for you to need his approval now more than before, because you see him giving so much attention to all those other women.
And so consequently, you want to be reassured that you still matter to him. This seems clear. The problem arises now because you are comparing yourself to the other women. And so you feel insecure.
The minute you start comparing yourself to others, that's the start of the downhill slide. You need to build up your own self esteem.
Prior to all this happening, you felt pretty confident and happy with who you were, and now all of a sudden you don't feel quite so confident, because you feel that your security is threatened.
He can't build your confidence for you. You have to do that for yourself.
You have to begin by going back to who you were before all this stuff started happening.
You have to start believing in yourself completely, and knowing who you are and what you stand for. You need to be proud of your own accomplishments and successes, and realizing the hard work you did to get there. And knowing that you deserve that worthiness.
Your husband can't do that for you - no-one can. Only you can.
One of the most attractive attributes a woman can ever have is being confident, independent, knowing who she is and what she wants out of life. Being slightly unpredictable also keeps a man on his toes. Also, not allowing yourself to be taken for granted. And another important quality for anyone to have - not just women - is to expect only the best from life, and accept nothing less.
At the moment, it seems you are trying to force him to give you some attention. Because of your insecurities about these other women he associates with. And it also seems like it's stifling him a bit, and that's why he's becoming annoyed by it.
You are becoming a bit needy and desperate. Men don't like that at all.
On the other hand, you could just get on with your own life. Work when you have to work, and then outside of work once you're home, actually HAVE a life! By this, I mean having your own friends and seeing them and going out with them, maybe once a week. And having a hobby or interest that can keep you interested in life more. Living a really full life.
In short, do whatever you have to, to make your own life as interesting and fun as it can be.
The more you do with your own life, the more interesting you become and it will distract you from your husband's situation, and it will no longer become a problem to you at all.
In fact, if you do develop your own life a lot more, that alone is far more likely to get his attention, than any whining and complaining, crying etc. could ever do. You have no idea!
When he starts to see that he has a happy, contented wife who has her own life, friends and own interests, it will make him much more interested in you like never before. He will then see you as a brand new person, who is a JOY to be with.
Because as it stands now, when he thinks of the environment when he's at home with you, the first thing he probably thinks is - "I wonder if she's going to be nagging, crying and carrying on tonight when I get home - AGAIN! Boy, I sure hope not. I'm getting tired of it."
Or something to that effect.
Don't you think that it would be a pleasure for him to come home to a happy, relaxed, light-hearted wife who simply says to him with a cheerful, happy smile - "Hi! How was your day?"
That would be an absolute surprise to him, I'm sure. Something completely unexpected. It would put a smile on his face.
The fact of the matter is, the more negatively you react to his dealings with women in his business and in his life, the more he reacts to that by doing it all the more - just to get your back up. It's an ego thing. Your ego and his ego.
All arguments are often about egos.
You see things one way, and he sees things another way.
I believe that if you start believing in yourself, making a life for yourself as well, and are not in the least bit concerned about his actions, you will probably find that he will do it a whole lot less! Because then, he won't be getting a reaction out of you.
Do you see that?
Because there will no longer be a need, will there?
Please consider what I've said, very carefully.
When you start to change your life, don't do it with an attitude of spite - being angry at him (to get back at him). No, make the changes necessary in your own life, with an attitude of being positive - "I'm worthy of happiness and joy. I deserve it."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello again, thank you for your responses. :(
I don't even remember how the discussion got started. But I finally gave in and told him about all my insecurities, and stated how I understand they are insecurities and I've been trying to work through it.
I said I don't mind him being friends with girls, that's not the issue. So long as he isn't flirting with them or downloading pictures of them naked or in lingerie onto his computer. Then he said, "Well, that's too bad, because I have to flirt with girls. Having girls around is good for my business because the females attracts the males, and they want to flirt with me. So I have to flirt with them and you have to learn to deal with it."
And I said I was not okay with that because a lot of these girls are the very preditory and competitive type, and it isn't right to string girls along like that. And I said I would not put it past any of them to send pictures of themselves or want to video chat on skype, or worse! And he said, "Well, I'm going to flirt even if it makes you mad," but he gave me his, "I'm just kidding" grin... so now I don't know what to think???
Then I also told him how it hurt my feelings that he was praising that girl over me, and that he wouldn't even make one mention of me and my endevours which are important to me. He said I need to figure it out on my own and not want his help because he build his business all on his own (hahaha, more about this in a second.) And that it was very selfish of me to want him to promote me when this girl has made a HUGE effort to further his business. You may be asking yourself, what exactly did she do that was huge. Oh, well, she used photoshop to make 2 WHOLE IMAGES for his background of his web page. Wow!!! What a huge contribution! He said that his customers, (video game players) would not be interested in my endevour. It's a free online novella in blog format about let's see... the undead, mystery, having special powers, fighting epic monsters, questing to find the truth... no gamers would definately NOT be interested in THOSE topics. NO. Because my work is childish and stupid.
Now, me... I've supported him in all of his endevours through thick and thin. I don't nag or put down. I cheerlead. I promote his site to anyone who will listen. I haved worked full time at a job that is very hard on me emtoionally and mentally for three years to keep us afloat financially. I have been the primary monetary investor even though we are very poor. But I do not fight about the money, because I have BELIEVED in his dreams and believed in him and trusted in him! And what exactly is all of this worth??? Is it worth ONE SINGLE TWEET?? Nope, sorry, because 2 photoshop images is worth soooo much more. And then he laughed at me for thinking he was flirting with her or praising her and defending saying "She asked me to retweet," which she only did once. I only have 2 followers on twitter, so I don't lose things so easily. They stare at me for days.... And I said, "I just wish you would be proud of me." and he didn't say anything.
Well, and then he went on about how I don't know when his friends are flirting with ME and that I fall for it every time. And I was like, Oh, you mean your friend that I said three things to? And he said, "yeah you talked exclusively to him for 15 minutes." Uhm... I don't think so.... Here is the ONLY conversation I ever had with his friend and anotehr girl who is a nice girl.
Her: "I'm only 19."
Him: "I think I'm the oldest here. I'm 27."
Me: "Nope, I'm 29."
Her: "Well my dad can beat up your dad."
Him: "Oh yeah? My cat can beat up your cat."
Me: "Yeah, probably."
I remember it sooo well because after I was accused of flirting and talking only to him, for 15 minutes!! . I've never spoken to him again. And then I told my husband he has nothing to worrry from that guy because I don't like him and I think he's direspectful to women. He has a very serious girlfriend yet likes to flirt with other girls all the time and likes to talk about going out and getting drunk so he has an excuse to get with his "groupies." My husband defended him saying, "he's just joking." And I said, "well, that's a very disrespectful joke." And honestly, I don't believe he is joking. And although girls hear him talk this way they throw themselves all over him.... .
Then my husband said that I was getting really annoying and pissing him off, and that I was stupid to be jealous. And I said I was sorry I was jealous but that it is how I feel and I have the right to have a feeling, and the right to work through it. Even if it is totally irrational. Then we didn't talk for like 2 hours. And in that time everything he said to me just grew inside of me like poison.
But at 9 p.m. he said, "Let's watch our show," so we did. And he pulled me and hugged and cuddled me the whole time, and I hugged him so hard because I just want my husband to be the way he used used to be. He used to be respectful to all women, and he used to be there for me when I needed him, just like I'm always there for him. Now I'm scared to talk to him. So we went to bed, but I couldn't sleep.
I was up all night, everything going over in my head. And I was so hurt and I feel betrayed and slapped in the face. And I cried all night and angry and depressed. And I don't know what is going to happen. But this morning he just kept hugging me and being normal. Like a demon lives in him and the demon is his stupid ego or something. And I'm caught at the mercy of it, but when it eases off I can see the old him in there and I just want to grab hold of him and pull him out like an exorcist....
So... that's it. That's the story. Either this relationship is going to die in flames because of his ego, or something will happen that brings him back to me. I don't know what will happen. but thank you if you read this whole thing and I'm sorry I just had to get it out or it would kill me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2011): your bf sounds pretty controlling and selfish. his focus is on protecting his fragile ego and you're just an accessory to to do that, hence his constant accusations that you're cheating (he feels threatened). and his flirting with other girls (makes his ego feel better).
I don't think this relationship is good for you. I don't believe that it's just the other girls you don't trust. I suspect you don't trust him too. if you trusted him you wouldn't be feeling insecure about these other girls.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers.
Before he would get mad at me when I wouldn't wear the lingerie. I would say "I don't want you to get bored of it and I want to be more spontaneous sometimes." And he would say I don't care how he feels or what turns him on. That's why that is weird.
Secondly, I have a very outside life from him, which would always make him very angry at me sometimes. He would say I was cheating on him all the time if I was five minutes late from where I was. And if I had male friends he would instantly accuse me of cheating with them. But I never cheated, and male friends were really more just aquaintances. But now he has lots of girls he is friends with who blatantly flirt with him, especially right in front of me, giving me eyes and making it clear they are going to take him.
I did talk to him about all this last night. He said that he's sorry he made me feel that way and that it is a misunderstanding. It isn't him that I actually mistrust, it's these girls. And I am not very pretty or sexy. I know for a fact that most men consider me "a 2" and these girls are all "5" or better.... and that my husband's friends have mentioned in the past how disappointed they are that he hooked up with me, because I'm ugly and he could do better. He did get mad at those people, but that always is in my mind. I have to stay on top of my game 24/7. I know these girls think they have a chance because of looks, so they lay it on thick, and some of his male friends encourage them.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (28 September 2011):
I think these are signs that there is deep trouble in the relationship and he is disengaging from it. Whether this equates to "losing interest" or is withdrawing for other reasons, it's hard to say.
But I would advise that you approach this as a sign that there are deeper problems in your relationship, not just calling it "losing interest" otherwise you may mislead yourself into downplaying the trouble between you that doesn't go away by itself or fix itself unless you search it out and face it directly.
to me what's more concerning is not just that he's disengaging from you but that he continues to stay in the relationship while behaving "like this." And while you are in a lot of pain. That's sending mixed signals and it's not good to continue like this indefinitely.
part of it could be due to your own behavior that you bring to the relationship. Maybe he is withdrawing from you because of things you've done in the past? maybe he's tried to talk to you about what was troubling him , but you made it difficult for him to do that? Or maybe it has nothing to do with you and he's got bad communication skills and bad relationship skills from his own past that he brings to this relationship.
whatever the reason, I do think that these are signs that there are big problems in the relationship and thus he is disengaging from it but without being honest with you about it despite you being in a lot of pain. So somewhere there is a big wall between you and I think the first thing you should try to do is to communicate with him in a productive way to try and understand his perspective. You may not like what you will hear, and it may reveal that he actually wants to break up but if so, then that's the case whether or not you talk about it so it's better to have it out in the open. And conversely if the relationship is to have a chance to improve it has to start with some communication about his current state of withdrawal.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (28 September 2011):
Hi there. Perhaps your sex drives are different.
It's also possible that the novelty of sexy lingerie might be wearing off for him.
Maybe you could only wear the sexy lingerie sometimes, not every time you want to make love. He's probably getting a bit bored with it now. Less is more.
Don't worry too much about the charity he is supporting a female friend with, that's no big deal really. He might not have mentioned it because he didn't consider it to be very important.
It sounds like you are worrying about every little thing that happens, and are building it up to be monumental in your own mind.
Perhaps you could just relax a little, and take some things with a grain of salt. Don't be too perterbed by them. Most of those things you mention are really very minor, in the grand scheme of things.
What you would be better off doing, is to take some of your focus off him and instead start making more of a life for yourself.
By this, I mean having your own friends and seeing them and going out with them. Perhaps you could begin a few interesting hobbies that will keep you passionate about your own personal life more.
In other words what I am really saying here, is to NOT make him the centre of your universe. It is necessary that you also have a life of your own - the life you live when you are not actually seeing him.
It is really important to do this, because it makes you even more interesting by there being more to you, than who you are when you are with him.
If you get my point.
It also shows him that you are not just trying to please him all the time and putting his needs before your own.
When women do that in a relationship, men perceive that as being slightly needy and desperate, and dependent on men for their happiness. And this puts a lot of pressure on men to be perfect. And that's a mighty lot of pressure.
However, if you were confident, independent and a little unpredictable and not always available to them, it makes you somewhat of a challenge, and men find that rather irresistable. Not to mention intriguing as well.
When you make yourself happy without needing him to do that for you, you will find that things will go a whole lot more smoothly for you. I promise you.
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