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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: To start off with, I'm a nineteen year old girl dating a nineteen year old male. We've been dating a little more than ten months now. There has never really been a fight between the two of us either, we get along quite well. Anyways, like all relationships, there are bumps on the road. This all started when he moved back to another states temporarily to be with his mom. He was originally supposed to come back in August or September. He needed to go back down so that he could get his SS and Birth Certificate from his mom, who was unwilling to locate or mail it up to himSo about the 8th of June he does something really messed up, all he tells me. Nothing more. So I tell him that we're young and we can make mistakes. Four or five days later, his mom called me saying that my boyfriend, let's call him M, is in jail. She tells me she doesn't know the full story but since he was back on June 2nd, he was out all night and day hanging out with his best friends, partying. Things I expected him to do. Basically, he was in jail due to his alleged offence and then because they couldn't afford to post bail and at the time were waiting for a public defender to help him.He gets out 44 days later. I know now what he did in the fullest extent but its not relevant to this at all. He got charged and was sentenced to 18 months of probation as well as having to pay 4500$ and 50 hours of community service. His probation is transferrable.This past friday, I received a text from his dad saying that M can't transfer up because he's barely done anything relating to his probation. So I talked to M about it, he assured me that he was doing his best under the circumstances. I tell him to try harder and I'll be there if he needs help. He tells me he doesn't need me to help, just to be there for him as he's been getting stressed out. Today, his mom texts me. M got kicked out because he hasn't been doing anything but going out with his best friend S, who is a guy. So I ask when did this happen, she tells me recently and that I have to call S if I want to talk to M. Which is weird cause i barely know S. Anyways, my issue is that I'm realizing more and more that he may end up violating probation and having to go back to jail. What he did would or could land him in jail for a year, give or take. I have no idea what I really can do beyond this other than nag him to do it, which I know only he will do on his own accord. All his probation officer is requiring of him to transfer is to finish his 50 hours of community service and pay a portion of what he owes every month. M doesn't have a job and claims he's trying; I'm hearing two sides to this situation.So basically my question is what I should do right now given the situation?My other question is what should I do if M ends up in jail again?I mean I can wait...but what would you as Aunts and Uncles do in my situation?I really need opinions. Anything is appreciated and I thank all of you :)
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (14 December 2012):
This is one of those times when I wish the OP was a troll, but alas know it is not.
Im going to put it straight to you. This guy is a 100% loser, and is trying to take you to Loserville with him. If you dont dump him, immediately, in 15 years you will find yourself in tears constantly wondering why your life didnt turn out differently. Not a guess.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2012): Best of luck OP, I hope this works out for you. It may seen obvious to us because we don't have to live in this situation and have no emotional attachment to anyone involved, so it's easy for us to sit here and judge, not so easy to figure things when you have to live in that kind of situation.
I hope he gets his act together and sorts this out. It would be incredibly stupid not to fix this. He'd lose far too much and prison is no picnic either.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell the friend who loaned the car to him did admit to me after the fact that that's at least true. I reall am told two different things by his mom and dad. His dad speaks more of the truth to me. When he was up here, he had a job and was going to college. Then he went back down there and this happens. I'm breaking up with him if he doesn't do anything. I had a talk with him today and I pretty much nagged him and said he has to do this this and this and if he doesn't, I have enough stress. He understood that. Cause it's true, I worry about everyone, not just him. My mom's ill and I'm getting tests done as well as other things in my life. But thank you all. I think I got a lot of realistic answers and I'm sorry if this all seemed really obvious for you all; its just not for me. I've never been in a situation like this except for once and that time I stuck around cause I knew the whole story, I was there when that happened. And that was my ex fighting with his dad. I feel its also his enviroment.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 December 2012):
 This guy isn't taking responsibility for his actions and is blaming other people. When you get that sort of response, tied with criminal charges and frankly stupid behavior, it's a pretty good sign the guy is a loser.
Honestly, you've been dating less than a year. He's demonstrated extremely poor judgement, that he is willing to employ the blame game and a flat out refusal to deal with the consequences of his actions.
He's a bad bet. He's going to wind up with a crappy future and probably will spend the rest of his life blaming other people for his own decisions and actions.
Let him deal with it and do your best to move on.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 December 2012):
 " This did not seem like a red flag at all " ? " This is the first time he got in trouble with the law " ?
Honey are you serious ? He is NINETEEN, how many times do you want him to have been in trouble with the law already ?? Imagine that, there are guys who manage to stay out of trouble, and out of jail, for all their life, weird uh ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2012): " I mean he admitted that he did it to me and that it was a lapse in judgment but the friend pressed charges cause the car was totalled."
I don't believe that for a second. What friend would be stupid enough to loan a car to a drunken friend? Were they insured on this car? And he'd have no ability to press charges if he'd let them borrow it so it sounds like they stole it, he can't press charges for DUI, so he must have pressed charges because they stole his car. If he let them borrow it, then all he'd have to do is sue them for the damages and not make this a criminal offence. They stole that car if you ask me and the "borrow" part is an excuse.
Still though OP, what I said before is true, something is only a mistake if you fix it or learn your lesson. He's still making stupid mistakes. His own family have told him to piss off and fix this and he still won't do it.
He's still messing up big time and he's going to drag you down with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2012): "So basically my question is what I should do right now given the situation?"
Nothing at all, this is his mess he has to clean it up.
"My other question is what should I do if M ends up in jail again?"
Again nothing, I mean you can't serve his time for him so there's nothing you can do.
"I mean I can wait...but what would you as Aunts and Uncles do in my situation?"
I'd do absolutely nothing, again his mess, he has to clean it up and there is nothing I can do to fix it.
OP you're not hearing two sides, you're hearing what's happening and you're hearing your boyfriends excuse. I mean shit OP, you accepted his crime without even knowing what it was. He told you he messed up and you said it's okay before even finding out whether he'd raped a child or something equally as serious.
So here's what's happening. Your boyfriend broke the law in such a big way that he got 18 months probation and a huge fine. It's also so bad you won't even tell us what it is, that tells me because everyone here would tell you to run away and you don't want to hear that.
He's been given a way of fixing this but he's not doing anything at all to do that, just some lame excuse about trying under the circumstances, what circumstances? Do his service and he'll be fine. But his own father says he's done pretty much nothing about it.
So his mom kicks him out too because all he's doing is partying with S and probably getting high instead of fixing his "mistake".
So now he's actually staying with S and not paying his fine. His excuse is that he's trying, yet he has money to party and have fun with S.
It's pretty clear what your boyfriend is doing OP, or more accurately not doing isn't it?
OP the courts do not accept "I'm trying" you may be foolish enough to listen to his excuses but they won't be and if he goes to jail then it's all his own fault.
He's not trying to fix this at all, 50 hours work is nothing, I do that in a week, your boyfriend is too lazy to get up off his ass and do that, I bet the monthly fine payment is very reasonable too but he just couldn't be bothered his ass doing it.
He's a lost cause OP and personally I hope he goes to jail, his mother and father have given up on him and you're the only one who is foolish enough to believe what he says.
Instead of atoning for what he did, he does nothing and would rather be in jail as a criminal than fix this, and he certainly doesn't give two shits about how this will effect you and he doesn't have to because you're going nowhere.
You're going to learn quite a harsh lesson here OP about acceptable behaviour from boyfriends, a guy who can't even take care of himself cannot take care of a relationship. He just doesn't give a damn about anyone but himself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHis friend let him and his other friend borrow a car that they crashed while the one was intoxicated. I mean he admitted that he did it to me and that it was a lapse in judgment but the friend pressed charges cause the car was totalled.
Also bail was 800 dollars but the mom didnt pay it and the dad would have but like he didnt because he thought his mom wouldn't use it for the intended purpose of bail.
And I know its bad he was in jail...just he didnt seem like a red flag at all. This is the first time he got in trouble with the law. But thank you
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 December 2012):
 He has his parents deal with you... not mature
He made a mistake (happens to many of us)
He was given a gift of 18 months probation, community service, time served and restitution (meaning he either stole or destroyed property or did something to someone to cause them to lose income or something of value) it's not a bad sentence but it's clear that he did something pretty darn bad to someone.... maybe a lapse in judgment but it seems from here, pretty bad...
44 days in jail... no one posted bail? I mean seriously... this tells me that either there was no bail or bail was high because of the crime committed.
The issue is that his final sentence is light.... probation, fine and community service is all very doable and HE'S NOT DOING IT!
he's not responsible.
he's not mature
he's not adult.
he lets his mommy and his daddy and his friends deal with you...
I would not wait.
i would not be there for him since clearly he cant' be there for himself.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 December 2012):
 Do you actually KNOW what he was charged with?
And honestly this is something HE HAS to work out himself, you can't do it for him. Seems to me that he isn't taking responsibility AT ALL for his actions.
And what does that tell you about him as a person?
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male
reader, mr.goodguy +, writes (13 December 2012):
 Ok you want the real straight forward answer !!!I'm going to say this because I know this I work in a jail .#1 if your attracted to bad boys STOP ,!!cause they will ruin your life and kids if u have them or plan on it ....these types of men are the best at lying that anyone "o baby its crazy I didn't do what they said I did bla bla bla" point is respect yourself love a real man that not a criminal or a thug .sounds very blunt but its the truth you'll look back when your 30 thinking why did I do thus with my life. Jail means huge red flag and time to break up
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2012): Sorry Hon, your bf did the crime so he must suffer the consequences of his actions.
I dont think you should do anything, he needs to sort himself and his life out.
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