A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:All advice is appreciated especially from those in long term relationships. I've been with my partner for 3yrs now and although that is not a long time to me, its a long time to some and I really hope to be with my partner in marriage. I'm always wanting to nurture our relationship as I did from the start. And I continue to do this every day.I'm always trying to think of creative ways to maintain that spark. What are reasons long term relationships lose their spark? And can that spark be revived? How do you keep the flames growing in a long term relationship?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2012): The most important thing I learned is that in a long term relationship such as a marriage (I've been married 14 years, and we have been together 19 years), negatives have more power to destroy a relationship than positives have the power build up that relationship.According to psychologists and which I have also found for myself, to keep a relationship strong long-term you need to have FIVE TIMES as much positive interactions and feelings, as negatives. Think about that. Many people get negative to their partners eventually. They nag, complain that their partners aren't doing enough, resent their partners, or focus on their partners faults. They say hurtful and mean words during conflicts. They do hurtful or insensitive actions. They are inconsiderate. These will all eat away at trust and intimacy. But that's not the end of it. It's not enough to simply balance each negative with a positive. One positive for every negative will NOT stop the decline of the relationship. Say something hurtful to your partner today, then tomorrow apologize and do something really nice for him and make up...this doesn't cut it. the relationship will still have a downward trend. For the relationship to stay strong over time, the positives must FAR OUTNUMBER the negatives in frequency and intensity. Negatives are far more significant than positives. It takes a lot of positives to build up a relationship, but very few negatives to destroy it. In some cases it can take just ONE negative event to completely destroy a relationship (such as lying or cheating). But rarely can one single positive event save a relationship. What does this mean in practice? It means that you need to expend far more energy and thought on curbing your negative behaviors that can hurt your partner, than on doing and saying nice things for them. Don't fall into complacency and think that it's OK to just mouth off at your partner when you're angry, that "he knows I love him and that I didn't mean it." Don't think that "he is unhappy with what I'm doing now but I'll make it up to him later." It is not so easy to just say sorry and do something nice later to make up. The relationship will still decline. To keep the relationship strong you need to have NOT said that hurtful thing in the first place, and to have NOT done that thing that made your partner unhappy in the beginning. The take home message: Negatives are far more significant and more powerful than positives. So you need 5 times as much positives in your relationship as negatives.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 December 2012):
 I think that long term relationships settle.
to have one work long term is to keep
commitment
trust
honesty
communication
love
and fun
but it's not always going to spark.
LTRs ebb and flow... some days are better than others and those days can flow into weeks.... into months...
the key is to make sure that the ebbs (the down times) don't last too long.
My husband and I are married 2 months together 2 years... we are so settled already that we are like "an old married couple" but that doesn't mean that we don't occasionally have that spark...
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A
male
reader, Adviser7  +, writes (13 December 2012):
You are doing great! You have what it takes to have a "sweeter as the days go by" relationship. But we have a saying, "It takes two to make a Tango" which means it takes both of you to have a sweet, gowing relationship. Both must feed the love relationship if it must grow.
Since you are zealous to have that kind of relationship, you are a great help and will overcome much of the reasons for broken relationships. Keep on and when your partner is responding the same manner then you will both enjoy growing old beautifully with a love that burns brighter alway.
But what if you are the only one excited and doing the efforts? Just stay faithful. Keep the communication sweet, open and avoid any negative attitude that will make you stop doing right. Sometime you cannot avoid seeing your partner's weak points but could be edified by your kind, consistent sweet loving ways.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2012): You don't mention if you feel like the spark is being lost or not. If it's not, the simple act of doing things to maintain it, whatever they may be, can keep it going for a long time.
If you feel it's being lost, you probably need to try some new exciting things to rekindle the fire... take a cooking class, dance lessons, etc. Learning new things together is great because you have fun and grow together. Give him a massage, make him feel special. BUT, don't always do the same things because they lose their specialness and he'll expect them.
Also, as a guy I think of spark as also being sexual. Try new things that may be a little bit out of your comfort zone. You'd know what that is better than me, but you can keep him guessing... get some lingerie, initiate sex in an unusual place, wake him up with a bj, etc. Take it slow so you don't make him wonder what's up with you.
I'm sure that the main reason relationships lose their spark is that people get comfortable with each other and stop doing the things that they did in the first place that made them fall in love. It's great that you are putting in an effort, just don't take him for granted and you should be okay.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2012): Hello. to be honest with you there is only one secret of a lasting relationship.
Love. if there's no more love, no matter how you try to make things work, it wont work. even if you go for counselling.
How to keep love alive? Just think about the days when you and him are just starting to get to know each other. what are those qualities that made you so into him and vice versa.
Make things exciting, never be boring and too easy. you know what i mean? Be creative. Men love surprises, beauty and wit. if you keep him happy in no time he'll ask you for marriage. Good luck..
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