A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Recently I found out that my now ex boyfriend had been having an affair for what looks to be two years or possibly more.I found out about this just a few weeks ago and it's shattered my world. I'm trying to pick up the peices of my life and I am making good progress, but I do have days where I dwell on the past and constantly ask WHY.This morning I was torturing myself and looking through old emails on my computer when I stumbled upon this email from him two years ago.. possibly shortly before the affair started. Definitely just before his behaviour towards me changed and he became distant and despondant.I was wondering whether you could put your psychologist hats on and have a read of this and let me know what sort of mindset you suspect this person was in when they wrote this, and read between the lines. Reading THIS email reminds me of the man that I fell for. This just makes me think he was deeply troubled in recent years, but I feel like over the last few years in particular, shortly after this email was sent.. that I lost him into the darkness or something. Whatever or whoever was pulling him the other way won in the end :(He is not with the woman he had the affair with. I wiped him from my life, but he remains here and alone. Whether he sees her regularly I don't know, but she lives in another city and he hasn't moved there. It's almost as if the affair isn't about her, but a symptom of some deep-seated psychogical problem.It's hard, fighting the anger. He was a brilliant partner to me in the first few years, as you'll be able to tell from some of the things he says in this email. He helped me through some tough times in my working life.This is really the only thing I have to go on to try and understand. If you could have a read and let me know your thoughts, that would be great. Thank you.***Aileen, My life is certainly too busy, being filled with things that I don’t necessarily enjoy but end up doing out of habit or servitude to others. I’ve certainly come a long way with my career, however its at the point now where I’m absolutely sick of turning up to the same place day after day, dealing with drama’s that wouldn’t have occurred if others actually showed any organisational skills or maturity. I’m tried of trying to make a difference but not actually getting anywhere. Sure, it’s recognised, but things carry on as per normal there; very frustrating.That’s why I’ve mentally resigned, not giving a stuff about anything to do with that place. It’s not a good state to be in, so I’ve got to get out. I’m going to take my trip, and then hand in my notice in a couple of months time. What do I do after that? Who cares! I’m not going to cave in to pressure from anyone on this, as I think I’ve earned the right to do whatever I want after many years of loyal service. I’d like to just travel around a bit and see what happens. I’m certain things will work out in the end!I’m sorry that you’ve found the last few years so difficult. Nothing has cut me up more than to see you crying day after day because of having been bullied out of your job. There truly are some bullies out there who love to throw their perceived weight around to make themselves feel more important. Unfortunately, you’ve encountered quite a few of them, and I think it has done some significant damage to your self esteem.When I think of you I’m reminded of all the fun times we’ve had. The trips away, the times where I’ve managed to break you away from your fears and the quiet times we’ve spent together going for drives listening to music, and just curled up at home watching movies.Like you, when I think of you I think of coming home. I don’t have to worry about you judging me, and I know that you don’t have any ulterior motives unlike the people I work with. I can trust you, and you can trust me. I’m so sorry that I’ve become more and more depressed over the last 8 months. That in itself depresses me to think about! A lot of it is work related, dealing with crap all day and not ever getting a break, but the rest is just a realisation that life is short and that I’ve lost my way in a very big way. That’s truly frustrating for someone who has previously been so ambitions and climbed their way to the top so quickly, and has caused me a great deal of internal conflict. Probably more than you realised.Yes, you can certainly level criticism at me for being a closed book in this regard, however it was done with the best of intentions. I’ve never wanted to burden you with my problems when you are already dealing with so much yourself. In hindsight perhaps keeping these things to myself really was the wrong thing to do, and I’m sorry. I haven’t meant to keep you out, it was just to save you further worry :o( You’re right that I need to get out of both the job and the present living arrangements. The daily indecision I feel about every aspect of my life is the cause, which is (as you say) related to the depression. It’s not fun being me, despite what you may think! I spent most of my time worrying about where my path is, whether I’ve made the right decision, and what the impact will be for those around me.I need to get back on track and find out what I really want inside, and be completely selfish about obtaining it. After so many years of being (relatively speaking) selfless, it’s harder than you probably think. There’s only one person I can trust completely, and whom I love to pieces, and that’s you. I guess by now that I’ve almost used up my entire vocabulary. I’m not a writer, never have and never will be, but I am someone who cares very deeply about you, Aileen. I can’t imagine what the last few years would have been like without you in my life, someone who has cared so deeply for me, and who has always showed me such constant love and affection. I’m truly sorry about how things have gone between us, and especially that I’ve turned into such a closed book. I just don’t know what I can do to help anymore and that’s frustrating for a guy who feels so compelled to solve problems, rather than just listen. I’m also sorry that things haven’t moved forward as they should of. I really do deeply love you Aileen, and I love spending time with you.I’m just so sorry.I'll change things, I promise.James
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a break, affair, ambition, bullied, depressed, I work with, self esteem Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2010): Keep in mind that when he says he's been 'selfless'.. he's referring to those times where he was there for me.. e.g. bad working situation, looking after me after I had an operation etc. But my therapist assures me these things are what someone does when they LOVE a person.. and I did so much for him as well. It was mutual. I never expected credit, because I loved him. But it seems in this email he's using these things as an excuse to be able to have an affair, as LIFEISSHORT puts it.But he has ALWAYS taken care of himself first. He's mid thirties and still lives with his parents. He always said he was indecisive over buying a house, renting or travelling, so we always left the situation as it was. He also NEVER showed me his cellphone, ANY bank statements.. I never knew exactly how much money he got. And when we'd take a trip, he'd hold his hand out for half after our holidays, but I would never actually see any receipts of bank statements.. so he could've even been ripping me off for all I know. He had the classic signs of someone living a secret life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2010): Lifeisshort, thank you. I think you're very right actually. Saves me turning it all in on myself. I've read the email again and it does sound like he's excusing his behaviour... and has justified it to himself as being ok.
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A
male
reader, lifeisshort  +, writes (27 February 2010):
I think he wrote this to help him deal with the guilt of cheating or decision to cheat. He writes about how rough his work life has become and how he needs a change, ie: giving himself a justification to cheat. Certainly it could be depression or some other mental issue, but he had a duty to tell you about his feelings and claims you are the only one he can trust yet doesn't trust you to tell you his feelings. Instead he tells you he didn't because he was concerned about worrying you at a time you already had to much to worry about. This is a cop out, he's once again justifying his infidelity to lessen the guilt. He apologizes to you in this letter and he tells you he loves you and I do believe that this is the truth, the problem is he cared about himself more than he loved you. He thought he could have his cake and eat it too, after all he had been so 'selfless' all these years. What an ego. Maybe he was depressed, but he was also delusional and thought he earned his right to cheat.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2010): Thanks for the insight. Keep the answers coming.. it's great to be able to hear from people that understand his struggle.When he sent me that email two years ago, he was in a management position earning 6 figures. He wasn't without a job. As he climbed the ladder in his company, he became more and more distant. He was ambitious and wanted to do well, but the further up he climbed, the more miserable he became. He finally got 2IC and resigned because his boss gave him such a hard time.I was always there to support him through the most difficult times. I would love it when he would open up to me (on extremely rare occasions). I'm a big talker.. and I remember I'd ring him and ask him how his day was, and he would say.. good. And then with the closed answer, I would go onto talk about my day.. and I guess take over the conversation. It's not that I didn't want to hear his problems.. but I have had a habit I guess of becoming absorbed in my own. Your opinions of what he wrote are leading me to think the affair happened because he couldn't open up to me. Even though I was there and always willing to talk with him and always trying to, what seemed like, break through this brick wall to get to him and his feelings.. I never was able to. He is a very closed book though.. as he says. Even his parents used to ask me about his life because they said he was a dark horse and never told him anything.After this horrid 2 year affair, I have gone through emotional hell. I still love him, but I don't think he cares about me at all anymore. I know I was a damn good partner, because when I found out about the affair, you know the first thought in my head? Oh no, whose going to help him find his career path.. whose going to support him while he's in a crisis at the moment. THAT makes me realise I was a great partner.. and tried everything to be there. I loved him more than anything in the world.. he just didn't love me enough :(
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2010): In answer to your question, he wrote the letter while he was on a business trip (most probably with this other woman at the time, but that might be a stretch of course). But now I assume whenever he was away at a conference he was with HER and I don't beat myself up over thinking that.. there were so many lies. He lied to my face a lot over the past couple of years.
He wrote this instead of telling me because he is spineless. All I ever got out of him in PERSON was, "Gee, I don't know what to do..." and it would just trail off. He could not have a conversation about his feelings, he would listen to me talk about mine, but it was IMPOSSIBLE for him to open up. This email was about the last time he ever expressed himself to me.. then it was as if he made a decision to start juggling me with another woman.
But at the time he wrote this, I suspected nothing and he knew I didn't, so he wrote it genuinely, I believe that. And it kinda provides proof that people have affairs for deep psychological reasons and not just because the other girl was hot or good in bed. What do you think? I will keep checking this page to hear more thoughts. Thanks heaps guys!
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A
male
reader, Neboraic  +, writes (26 February 2010):
He seems troubled, it feels like he was looking for something. May be he didnt want to add to your problems and so didnt turn to you. Some people turn to healthy things to help them like their partners, and some turn to alcohol and or sex.
Was it a work college, the other woman, if she was there at the time he is stressed she would provide instant relief. May be she doesnt have a lot of stress in her job, a care free attitude can be attractive. Work stresses can suffocate relationships.
The biggest question is why did he write it. Letters are reserved for things we cant bare to say to the person. None of the letter seems like - the kind of thing you cant say to someone
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A
female
reader, sweetiebabes  +, writes (26 February 2010):
 Aileen, after reading the email your BF sent you, I strongly believe he loves you and I believe he truly meant every word telling you how much he cares and love you.
Your BF is in a confusion and frustration state. He wants to do something in his career but couldn't get what he wants and he feels lost internally for deep within him he wants to progress and be successful. This is the internal conflict he is feeling. It is the battle within of what he wants in life but the outside forces are setting up frustrations for him but honestly speaking, he is resisting to life's flow that made it more difficult for him to accept things about life.
I have gone through the same kind of stage wherein deep within me I can do better, I had a feeling I am more competent on the higher level of work than what my colleagues were getting and it made me feel so angry and I began to lose myself, I resigned from work and want to just be alone...frustrations set in and it took me years to finally realize that I was resisting the life's flow. I began to pick up the pieces of my life and I started to work abroad starting from a junior level kind of work, but one thing I have always on my mind "BE POSITIVE", I worked for 3 yrs as a receptionist and I sometimes feel like useless but I did not give up. I studied as I need to upgrade my knowledge and skills and took Human Resource Management and now I am getting offer to work in HR Dept in our company and I feel happy for I know I am stepping to another level of work...setting up goals where and what I want to be. Now, going back with your BF, he needs more time for himself, he needs more time to know more about himself because he is lost at the moment. Give him comfort if he will try to communicate with you again and be a good listener to him...he needs a friend right now. Always know that if a man really loves you, he will not go anywhere.
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