A
female
age
36-40,
*eccamega
writes:My father is conversative and doesn't want to know anyone else's opinion. I can't stand how he is. He thinks having children out if wedlock is "ruining The family". This makes no logical sense to me. It's not like his family is close. How canyou ruin the family, when we only see his family once a year? Often not even that. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (16 January 2013):
 So why exactly are you still living at home? Financial reasons or cultural reasons or what?
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 January 2013):
 It's not exactly that he lies that women have to be married to leave home. Only, that he BELIEVES that women have to be married to leave home.
But you don't need to believe exactly the same things he believes.
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (16 January 2013):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell he really isn't a great person- verbally abusive, controlling, homophobic and racist. He flat out lies that you have to be married just to leave home. Yet gives me zero advice when people laugh at me and insult me for being an adult and living at home. I really can't stand him.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (14 January 2013):
OP, you are 25 . He can say what he wants, you don't have to believe him. In fact, you don't , you call what he says " lies ". So , if you keep living a lie, you should resent yourself , not him.
Obviously , your father does not approve of unmarried daughters leaving home. You have no much chance of changing his mind, and boiling with pent up resentment won't help you either. You can either prove his lies wrong , by leaving at age 25. Or, you can accept the lie and live there until you get married ,knowing that this is not because of your father , but because of you , since he surely can't shoot you if you leave, can he ?
If you can't find in yourself the strength to pack your stuff and go- that's fine too. Every person is different,
with different strengths and weaknesses, and I am not going to crucify you if you have trouble being assertive. But, in this case, for your own good and in your own interest, you need to seek what unites not what divides, within your family. Appreciate all there's to appreciate in your family life- and, if there is really nothing, just detach yourself emotionally, keep yourself busy , not involve or get involved in useless conflicts, focus your energies on other stuff ( work, hobbies, friends, whatver ), and in general, keep your wits about you. There is really no point in foaming at the mouth because of what your father thinks or says .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2013): Distance yourself from him, do not involve him in your life except bare minimum like maybe send a Christmas card and then one visit every couple of years just to show you're a good sport. No need to expend energy thinking about him only to get angry.
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (14 January 2013):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat's easy for you to say, you've never met him! He lies that no one leaves home at my age- even though I'm 25. My parents constantly gaslight me. Is it any wonder I resent them? I wonder why? He won't put my car in my name- even though I bought it. He tells me you have to be married just to leave home. Is it any wonderwhy I resent him?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (13 January 2013):
 meccamega: If you are content to be critical of your Father... and not grant him any latitude in HIS life... especially as it may (or might NOT) relate to YOUR life.... then what is the use of ANY of us suggesting that you could look for the postive and OVERLOOK the negative???
It's clear that YOU have strong feelings about your Father... you have ALREADY judged him - relative to how he meets (or DOESN'T meet) YOUR standards.... Soooo....
Let's "call the whole thing off".....
Good luck.... I'm sorry (on behalf of his daughter (YOU!) that he has a judge who thinks he's scum.... and is willing to go out to the public to seek validation of her opinion of him....... Remember: YOU will be a parent, one day, and YOUR KIDS might be making similar judgments...
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (13 January 2013):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt is questionable whether he has any good points. He is a very difficult person.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 January 2013):
With the several exchanges and follow-ups, it becomes clearer that you and your Father have widely diverse standards and expectations.... That's not uncommon.
What I can't understand.... and would want to extend to you... is my opinion that your Father is already a "grown man"..... and has crafted his opinions over lots of time (as have most of us).... .and he is NOT likely to change dramatically, if at all. YOU KNOW THAT!!!! Sooooo,....
.... why spend much time chastising him for "who he is".... when you could simply ACCEPT him for who he is.... and NOT let "who he is" have much impact on your mental state... OR upon your opinion of him.. Love him. He's your Father....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (11 January 2013):
Eh Op, what can you do. By now your father will be stubborn and set in his ways, nobody is going to make him change his mind, and actually I don't even know if they would be entitled to. After all, everybody has the right to express and defend their beliefs, as long as they are not illegal or violent. Your father does not approve of out of wedlock children, you do - you could agree to disagree , not challenge his beliefs if it is going to create unnecessary drama, focus on your father's good points ( he must have some ! ) and keep your emotional distance, mantaining a civil relationship, or as civil as possible.
If that is impossible and the atmosphere is too fraught with tension - you should just move out , because HE is not going anywhere.
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (11 January 2013):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBecause all he cares about is how he looks in front of people. And that people don't know what a jerk he is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2013): No one even uses the term "having kids out of wedlock" anymore. so that shows how conservative your father is.but unfortunately people cling to their beliefs, it defines them and they hold their beliefs more dear than they hold their own family members. if you don't conform to his beliefs, he will cut you off or if not he will verbally abuse you forever. it's best to keep your distance from him and be prepared to cut him out of your life if he becomes abusive to you. he would be the one ending your relationship, not you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (10 January 2013):
OLd fashioned he may be , but I don't see why you call him a hypocrite.
It would be perfectly consistent and coherent for a man with very conservative beliefs, to cut off his children if they openly defy those beliefs.
Anyway, it's all to be seen if he really would do it in practice. People open their mouth and say things " If I found out my son is gay / does drugs / converted to another religion, etc.etc., - I'd cut him off forever ". Then the son turns out to be gay, dope smoking , and Wiccan priest , dad yells, thunders and sulks for a while, ... and by next Thanksgiving or Xmas they are all together celebrating and swapping presents.
Talk is cheap . ( And blood is thicker than water ).
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (10 January 2013):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBecause I find him a hypocrite. He's consverative yet he would cut us off if we had kids out of wedlock. Most people wouldn't do this anymore. None of my relatives cut off my cousins who had kids out of wedlock.
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A
female
reader, straight to the truth  +, writes (10 January 2013):
I think it would help if we knew the full story because this clearly isn't everything. Putting that to one side, plannning to have children out of wedlock can ruin a family. If you cant commit to marriage why would you commit to a child? If there is no commitment between the parents to get married then is it really a stable relationship to be bringing a child into it?I know lots of people do have children out of wedlock these days but also alot of them break up and the child end up in a broken family environment and you are the tied to someone (the father) who you probably dont even want to know, you will have to share custardy, share christmas's, birthdays etc and as a grandparent you have to simply sit back and watch it all go by, watch the fighting, watch the heartbreak and watch the child get pulled from pillar to post. Your father clearly still respects the sanctity of marriage and what it represents....a stable family home.
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A
male
reader, Smart_Idiot +, writes (10 January 2013):
Don't know the whole situation, but it sounds a little like my father. Very conservative and wants everybody to know his positions. After he sent out an e-mail joke about Muslims, I finally told him how I really feel. I told him I didn't think that sort of thing was funny, and that the Bible wasn't the word of God. I'm glad I let him know where I stand. I did not include anyone else in the message. It helped that I was already mad at him for something quite serious, that anger allowed me room to do things I would never have done before. But telling HIM something like that, seemed unimaginable to me for so long. I'm 35 and was raised very religious, and saw so much hypocrisy. It felt good after I did that. Some people tried to guilt trip me about it "How could you hurt Dad like that?!" If only they knew the whole story...they would know who really hurt who. Anyway good luck - make sure you're okay with the consequences before confronting your old man.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (10 January 2013):
maccamega: How about a follow-up post in which you give us "the REST of the story"????? I'm quite certain that there is more to your "question" than what you've told us...
Thanx, in advance.....
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (10 January 2013):
My guess is given the opportunity he would post something here about with equal vigor about your beliefs.Regarding your issue specifically, I will try to shed some light on it, so it makes some logical sense. All religious reasons aside, I think it is foolish to have children prior to marriage. If you cannot commit to a relationship and each other, how the hell are you going to jointly commit to a child? The fact remains that children are typically best reared when both parents are present and involved. Having a child out of wedlock immediately places serious questions on this happening.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (10 January 2013):
"conservative" and are you pregnant?
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