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writes: A brief question to all you helpful people...I'm in a great new(er) relationship that is fairly serious, and I have just moved in with my boyfriend, although I've been unofficially living with him for three months. My lease just expired, my things are here, and this is now officially "home." And it feels like it! I really enjoy myself. I love coming home to him and building a relationship with his five-year-old son. I'm not "stepmom" yet, but the little guy and I get along very well and I like where it's going. He is beginning to thrive when he is with us (half the time, with his mom half the time). Down to the question. Am I unreasonable to dislike that the boy crawls into bed with us every morning, then fidgets, talks, crawls all over us: in short, anything but sleeps. My honey and I are used to waking up, kissing, cuddling, fondling each other, maybe more...and I feel robbed by the five-year-old's presence. This is not, in effect, true. We have sex four times a week or so, and it's great sex. But I can't stop this niggling feeling in the back of my mind that gets irritated, jealous, feels disrespected, and all the rest when morning after morning, it's, "Daaaaaaad. Can I ______?" "Daaaaaad." "Wake up, it's morning!" I want to snap, like a very petty person, "OUR bed! Not yours! You have a cool bed with a ladder and a slide RIGHT IN THERE, now go use it!" I think I'm afraid it will harm my relationship with my man when the "marriage bed" is not so sacred anymore. (and no, we're not technically married, but we're not religious at all, so please don't address the question that way.)For some background, I am not remotely disrespected by this man. He is very respectful, loving, and a great partner. This is an isolated issue. If I had to analyze it myself, I'd say that even though he has given me a place in his life, the place of his lover and partner, I feel threatened by the whole "stepmom" thing. I went from being a bachelorette to this in about seven months -- but we don't choose whom we love. His son is obviously irreplaceable in his life, rightly so. But am I? Any thoughts on kids in beds?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2013): I had a similar problem with an ex but I think your attitude to this is all wrong OP.
My ex had a five year old son too that did the exact same thing. Now I'm the grumpiest bastard ever in the mornings and once or twice getting an accidental knee to the face by a normal boisterous 5 year old boy didn't go down well.
OP it's incredibly tough to move from having your bed as your last bastion of personal space to having it invaded by a flailing little monster every day without let up but that's his bed, not yours, his routine and his bond. I mean you hated it when you were kicked out as a child and it's mad you very hostile to this idea too.
You just have to handle this better OP. Definitely get rid of it's importance in your mind. It's up to you to adapt, not him, so start finding little ways to distract him in the mornings. I used to put on cartoons on the TV in our bedroom for him to watch, got him used to watching to some shows and that became his routine. We then could go back to sleep while he sat quietly there between us for an hour or two to watch his shows before getting up and making breakfast.
I also bought a bean bag for our room and asked him to bring in his colouring book or just paper and draw us a picture while we had a quick sleep. So our morning routine basically consisted of him watching TV in our bed for a while or having the TV on while he drew pictures or played with his cars. We'd take turns to set him up with things before going back to bed and he was still a well behaved kid who would wake us before going downstairs or doing stuff on his own so we didn't have to worry too much as long as he was distracted.
By far the biggest thing I learned though OP is he comes first. It's u-p to you to adjust your routine to suit him, that's the joys of being a parent or being with a parent. You have to adjust your life to their routine, it's very important they have that routine and especially for boys you can't just kick a 5 year old of the room and leave him to his own devices for 2 or 3 hours while you sleep because that's when they hurt themselves or get into trouble.
He'll grow out of that or you'll grow into it. You really don't want to be the wicked step mom who disrupts his routine. That's how he starts his day in the best way by socializing with you two before having some breakfast.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2013): I think it's very reasonable for you not to like having someone else's kid crawling all over you. I don't think even if it was a kid you had with him, that you would like this and biological parents do often get in arguments with each other because one parent wants to raise the kids differently from the other.in your case, I would say it's probably easiest to just suck it up and tolerate it. The kid isn't there all the time, only when your bf has custody. So there should be plenty times when this kid won't be crawling over you in bed, it's not like it's every day of the week. And the kid will outgrow this soon enough. So, just grin and bear it for now, consider this a sacrifice you have to make for your relationship (and I would hope your bf appreciates you for this), it will be OK.
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reader, CMMP  +, writes (11 January 2013):
My wife and I allow our two kids to do this. Occasionally we ask for space and maybe put a movie on for them to keep them entertained. If you expect to end it you're going to have a hurt little boy to deal with.
If you make a big deal out of it you will also upset your bf, I'm pretty sure of that.
But the desire for and your right to alone time is natural. You need to make it a priority when you have it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2013): Now it's the bed in a morning, then it will be something else. I had a step mother, a wicked one. I didn't live with my father half the time, becAuse when they married I was already 14, but at 16, my mother decided to do some repairs in a house, and I was allergic to paint smell, so I stayed at my Dad's for a month. My wicked step mother when my dad wasn't there didn't let me touch certain food in a house, a better food, because she saved it for her son. She also told me that every time I have tom open refrigerator, I need to ask her permission. There were a bunch of other things, so I didn't wait long and told my dad what a bitch he has for a wife. There was a huge scandal, but it was time for me to go back home.You love as you said this little boy until he climbs into your bed, and does things that bother you. Was your child, you would be happy to have him in your bed. That was a ritual in my house when my daughter was little. Every day at 5 am, she would climb into our bed and hugged us both and slept with us the rest of the night. And we loved it, and still remember it. It was such a pleasure to have this tiny wiggly child so close to us. And then she grew up, so fast, now when we visit her, and travel together, she takes her own hotel room, as she doesn't like my husband snore. You don't like these little thing when a boy climbing into your bed, only because it's not your child. and you don't have to like it, but then realize there will be other things that you will have a hard time tolerating also because it's not your child. To be a good stepmom takes a special person.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (10 January 2013):
 Your mom failed you if she allowed stepdad to kick you out of the bed. That was wrong, and you have a chance to rectify that by being better than your upbringing. That kid loves you.
I can give you a tip to calm him down if he's being overly rambunctous. If you have a set of stairs in your house, when he jumps into the bed and is getting wild, compliment his strong energy and tell him "I bet you couldn't run up and down the stairs 40 times, can you?" I used to do that to my son when he got hyper, and he ran up and down them until he got tired...then he'd collapse into bed, cuddle up, and wiggling cured. That works with jumping jacks too. My son and I would do it to see if he can break his record (that kid did 121 jumping jacks at 4 years old...he and I would do them together sometimes unless it was in the morning and I was in bed). That lowered the chance of injury for me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2013): Firstly, this life and our time on this planet is governed by the universal law that our thoughts, feelings, words, actions are voluntary.We are not forced, coerced to do the things we will- we do so of our own accord. It is what is called accountability.With this, we do so chose whom we love, whom we will give our love to, whom we honour, trust, cherish. Whom we will move in with.You knew your now Common Law, was a Father and had a son. With this, you knowingly take on the responsibility to be a supportive woman to the man she loves, by supporting his parenting role and being a part of his life which INCLUDES his Son. Your purpose is to help sustain your now, Family that you have taken on with the move in. With time, it is my hope you will warm up to a most wonderous role any woman in this world should feel honoured to have. Step Mom even if Son does not see you as such. You still fulfill a role of acting or standing in place of a parent.Let's look at this through an innocent, loving, trusting child's eyes.Son loves and trusts his Dad. Because of his great love for his Father and his Trust in his Father; an amazing man and Father by your account, he therefore trusts in his Dad's judgement that he would invite into their lives, a wonderful, loving, supportive woman.I am sure that Son is grateful his Daddy has a Good Woman to love. I am sure he thinks highly of you. I am sure he looks to you for guidance and comfort. I am sure when he ventures into your bedroom in the mornings, it is of innocence and love - to be with those who help him feel loved, safe, happy. I am sure he means to not hurt, harm, or even willingly want your relationship to suffer.If Son does not invade the night time ritual of ending the night with one another and romance; it can be said that the part time mornings is a fair compromise to endure.Either way; this is a matter you need to take to your Common Law. It is something you both need to work out and decide a solution together. Perhaps make it a home rule that when the door is closed, son must knock. Or even have a pass card to give to you and Dad for when he is in need of snuggles that is to be used in the mornings. So if he is with you 5 days a week, make him 3 passes. That when he knocks on the door to see if you are awake or decent- he can ask to enter. Then he gives you the passs for permission to snuggle in the mornings.This way son gets what he seems to need from the mornings of jumping in the bed be it assurance, comfort- its NEW to him too Miss. He takes more time to adjust as he is not as emotionally developed to reason and rationale as you are able to Miss; so this whole moving in thing can be overwhelming for him and even stressful to him too. He may even feel his place of love in his Dad's heart and life is being challenged too. You think you would be able to relate. ;)A note from a Single Mom - Let Dad do the parenting. Also, make sure Dad talks to you, updates you on discipline and expectations of sons role in his home and family. Work together to make FAIR home rules that encourages open discussion. Take time to LISTEN and VALIDATE Son.You get the fun of being the fun Authority Figure that loves and supports Dad in decision making in regards to parenting.NOTE: Psychologists say it takes up to 7 years for a blended family to feel secure with their place in the new formed family/home.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2013): the kid is 5 he's probably used to doing it, you just arrived so it's probably you who will have to adjust to their routine, besides you knew what you were in for when you started dating a single dad, but don't worry he's 5 this won't go on for much longer, when they get a little older they tend to stop it, don't make a fuss over it, when he is with his mom you can still have you bf all to yourself, and it's good that the little boy likes you because as everyone said between you and his son, the kid wins every time
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh, yes, and his parents are civil, but maintain minimal contact at the moment (my honey's choice, so he can heal properly for a couple years). She is hurt that I'm moving in, but for her own sake, not her son's. I can understand this. It's not the fact that we're not married that bugs her, because no one in the situation is conservative in that sense...and knowing my man, he would never ask me to live with him if a proposal wasn't somewhere in the pipeline. It's probably the feeling that she has finally lost him. Small one is very happy that I'm moving in. He says, "I love you" to me every day and gives me a hug...but yes, he is very rambunctious and tends to inflict injury in his constant playing! He doesn't mean to, of course.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, for the first part I'd like to say, "Ouch!" ;) even though that's what I was looking for when I posted this question, because I knew that this was a petty jealousy and wanted kind of a slap in the face. First of all, the irrelevant: I have already decided that this is the man for me, child and all, so I am not leaving him because of this. Yes, I have had doubts because of the steepness of the learning curve from bachelorette to stepmom, but I would like to make it clear that I really love this little boy and love being in his life! There are a lot of similarities between him and myself as a little girl, and I feel blessed to be in his life. To address the speed with which we have moved forward in our relationship: who decides what is and is not "right" or good timing?! I would posit that you can't know without knowing the individuals themselves. We are both mature adults who do not enter relationships lightly, despite my childish question here, and the timing on this relationship seems right to both of us. We live in a culture where people "date" casually for two years, live together for another 3, and then might, just might, be okay to get engaged and get married and be considered thoughtful adults who have taken the proper amount of time to make their own decision. Anything short of this timeline is considered "too fast," and of course that's my problem! However, 100 years ago it was quite the opposite that was true. Rant aside, thanks for the refreshing responses :) when I was little and I got a stepdad, I was kicked out of Mom's bed from that day on. I was allowed back in to cuddle sometimes, but their relationship was far from healthy an ended in divorce. Perhaps I'm associating the two.
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reader, Abella +, writes (10 January 2013):
 what a very normal little boy. Full marks that he waits until 5am.
But if you are not used to this very normal behavior of a loved son then I can imagine it has been a shock. And has meant a change in a routine you previously enjoyed. Mornings for most parents of young children precludes too much intimate contact (that you previously enjoyed), unless the children have stayed over night with grandparents. That's offset by the joy children bring to our lives. We talk, listen and are delighted by their remarks and how they are developing as our children.
It tells me that this little boy trusts you and respects you enough that he is not intimidated by your presence. In fact it sounds like the boy has accepted your presence in his father's life as his step-Mom. If he was intimidated and scared of you he might be hesitant about coming to visit in the morning.
I'd be sad if, as a 5 year old, that he felt intimidated enough to stay in his bed, wishing he could still go into see his Dad. Or lay frightened in his bedroom, scared of your reaction, if he was regularly wetting his bed due to anxiety.
His behaviour sounds age appropriate.
In a very short time he will feel too 'grown up' to do such things.
And yes he may be a little anxious about 'losing' his Dad so he's letting you and Dad know he here right now and this is his Dad who he loves very much. In time he'll come to appreciate and love you too, as his extra Mom. If you show your loving acceptance and support of this little boy.
Morning time is when children chat, describe their dreams, ask you about dinosars, wonder if you had running water when you were a child and all manner of things.
If you intend to have children with your boyfriend then you will find the same behavior will occur with your children. This is how loved children who feel safe and loved behave.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 January 2013):
 I'm sorry, I think you are being absolutely unreasonable and petty.
He is your BF's son, not some decoration you can play house with when it suits you.
And if you didn't know by now, KIDS get up earlier then most adult, he is 5! He still needs taken care of. Now if he was 15 you could tell him to go do this thing, but he is 5.
I can understand that it was QUITE a change of pace going from being single to dating a single dad. And a single dad who has his child 50% of the time, so a ACTIVELY in his son's life kind of guy, not just a guy who pays child-support and think that makes him a great dad. YOU got yourself a good man and a good Dad.
You need to suck this up. I suggest you tell your BF that maybe it' a good idea to get up WITH his son either both of you or him, because you are not yet comfortable with having a 5 year old climbing in bed with you.
You are definitely jealous of a 5 year old, that isn't right.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (10 January 2013):
Most little kids go through that phase. My son did it for years until he got into first grade, and even then, he did it on the weekends many times. We called them blanket parties, and I miss those days dearly. They're really special.
I understand your frustration, but this is one of these things that you'll just have to put up with. He's your boyfriend's son, and he should take precedence even over you. That's the way it should be, and to snap at the kid or complain to the dad not only robs them of this crucial father/son bonding time, but could and would spell the end of your relationship with him. He's not there 24/7, so you get your fondle time with him too. You have to do what we teach our 5-year olds to do, and that's sharing.
Your bed isn't the "marriage" bed. If it were, that kid would be definitely a welcome addition to it. You're not being robbed or disrespected. You simply don't ever mark your territory with this kid by saying "Our bed, not yours", because at a mere 7 month relationship, that bed is more his than yours.
If it's any consolation to you though, all kids grow out of this phase. I dearly miss it, and my son was so rambunctious at 5 that I got a massive black eye having a tickle party in bed with his dad and him one morning and he kicked out while being tickled and clocked me right in the eye. You have to decide whether you can handle a guy with kids, because they will always come first no matter what if he's a good dad.
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reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (10 January 2013):
 The issue is between you and B/F, of course. AND, the two of you need to sit down and iron out the details....
A five-year-old IS likely to want to be very close to his "Daddy"..... and a strange woman (you!) is a threat to that relationship.
What is needed are the guidelines of how much he (5 YO) can expect to dominate "Daddy's" time.... and how much he (Daddy) will give to you..... IN any case, there will be a time when "Sonny" must be taught that there are guidelines as to when/where/how he can hog "Daddy's" time. You and he need to hammer that out between you... then hammer it in to the little tyke's head.....
Good luck.....
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 January 2013):
 You are unreasonable insofar you started dating, then living with, a divorced dad of a 5 y.o. kid who spends half of his time at dad's , and did not expect you were going to have to adapt to some things that are very common and normal when there are young kids.
A bit as if you had dated a rabid classic music lover, then you'd get mad because at home there's always Mozart on,rather than,say, Metallica.
We DO choose whom we love, or at least we do chose if getting involved and taking on board people and situations we could be uncomfortable with and not be equipped to handle properly.
I don't want to make you out as the bad guy just because you have a bit of trouble sharing the spotlight. But, you see, that's what a parent does , sharing the spotlight. If you were the kid's mom , you'd be delighted of sharing these intimate ,cuddly moments with your man and your little cub ; it would be FUN, it would be more than compensating for the loss in privacy and comfort.
You are not the mom, you are not even quite the stepmom yet, so maybe it's just natural that you feel the way you feel ... only, if you want to be there for the long haul, you'll have to learn to like these morning visits. Or, at least you'll have to learn to lump them.
Because, as you very perceptively noticed, the child is
obviously irreplaceable, but...are you ?
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reader, Serpico +, writes (10 January 2013):
As others have stated here, when its you vs the 5 year old, the 5 year old will always win.When you date someone with children, total the number of children they have, then add one to it. That is the number you come in. Further, as stepmom/dad, you likely are always going to be on the short end of the stick, meaning you will get most of the frustration and expense that comes with being a parent, but you wont get any of the benefit of them being yours. It's a shitty deal, but you chose it.If that's not ok with you, then don't date someone with children. Its not ok with me, so after one trial, I decided not to date any women with children. Given what I offer a woman, I didn't want to accept being x+1 to my wife. I also didn't relish the idea of supporting another mans child, with almost nothing in return. Just wasn't my cup of tea - you need to decide if its yours.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2013): You have feelings too. Truth is being a step mom is a VERY tough job!! It is just as thankless as being a real mom with the added bonus... they aren't your kids! I would keep the childrens health in mind before all else...BUT I would look deep into your and see if it is right for you. If not, then leave fast...don't drag it out. If it is for you then suck it up and be happy with your choice.
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reader, k_c100  +, writes (10 January 2013):
 I dont think you would find many kids on earth who dont go into their parents beds in the morning - kids wake up early, and then go pester their parent/s to get them breakfast/put tv on/go out somewhere etc.
IF he was sleeping in bed with you ALL night then yes, it is a problem and yes you should say something. But if the child sleeps all night in his own bed, then simply comes into your room in the morning to talk to you then that is 100% normal for any child and it would be very wrong to discourage it.
The child is excited to see you both, he is excited about the new day and wants to get started with things. All kids wake up early, they dont do lie ins and they definitely dont entertain themselves! Plus you cannot leave a child unsupervised while you have sex, that is very iressponsible - he could easily hurt himself falling off the ladder on his bed, or hurt himself on the slide etc, so he needs a parent to supervise.
You agreed to be in a relationship with a man who has a child, therefore you have to accept that your life wont be the same now there is a child involved.
And what I dont understand is why you are making such a big deal out of this when the child isnt at your house 7 days a week? Presumably you still have 3 or 4 days per week where the child is with its mother, so you can do whatever you want on those 3 or 4 days in the morning. Is it really so tough not to fondle your boyfriend for 3 or 4 days a week?
Have sex in the evening while the child is asleep, and I think you need to stop being so selfish and try understanding that children need A LOT of attention, they cannot be left to their own devices aged 5 and they need responsible adults with them at all times when they are not sleeping.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 January 2013):
 rule one of dating parents: kids always win the "me or them" battle.
kids get up early
kids like to come into the parents bed
kids wiggle
and I'm sorry but yes we can choose what we do. we can choose not to be a stepmom if we are not ready.
we can choose not to be with a parent if we are not ready.
DO the dad and the mom get along? is she ok with you being live in but not married? (my ex was very adamant that I could NOT live with a man when my kids were little and he did not live with his new wife before they married either)
exposing the children to new partners is a delicate issue as kids get attached and don't really understand adult relationships.
I had my kids in bed with me when they were little and I did it until their dad and I separated. BUT because they were boys and I was a single mom, I stopped family bed after we got our own place. THEY continued family bed with their dad for a few more years till they were ready to be on their own... they were 3 and 5 when we split. (they are 26 and 28 now)
To be honest it's a personal choice of the couple... but usually the women is the mom and the man is the daddy.
I think that honestly you and your bf have moved too quickly in moving you in since he has this child 50% of the time.
I don't see the child as a threat to your sex life or your relationship as long as you accept that it is what it is.
IF you are jealous of a 5 year old child, maybe you are not ready to date a dad. Sadly it's too late and leaving now will just harm the child. so dear my advice... suck it up.
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