A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I can not believe, me of all people, would have this sort of dilemma, but here goes...I work with this guy, and he's like the male version of me. I could sit here and talk him up, but I'll spare my readers. I like him wayyy more than I should, because he's married. And- I'm beyond sure that he likes me, though in what way I'm unsure of because we haven't talked about it. But I know we have some hard core chemistry. I don't know what his home life is like, but I know we click like crazy and he doesnt have to say so, I can tell he feels the same way. he's like perfect for me personality and looks wise... but- he's married...I've reached the conclusion that i would def not sleep with him if hes with her. Though I really want to.. and i have no intentions on being harsh about it to him because this chemistry is half my fault for sure and im not offended that he flirts back with me. I kinda feel as though if i stopped it in its tracks that Im going to perhaps offend him considering my role in all of the hardcore flirting, and i do not want to do that. if he was single, Id be on him like flies on crap (hes married with kids and im on him like flies on crap..).I am 26 and I dont recall ever being in a situation where i felt like this. if he told me tomorrow that he left his wife, packed up and moved out and was stuck in the marriage, i would take him in considering hes been with her for a while. but thats some fantasy i came out with when trying to picture it ever working out. i havent even talked to him about this stuff, i wouldnt know where to begin, we never discuss his life like that and i feel like it would throw him off at this point if i even brought it up. what a dilemma. I'm not even sure where to put the question mark because Im so confused... i havent felt this way about a guy since i was 15. perhaps its the riskiness that makes it feel so similar. what should i do? i wouldnt want to influence a family going apart for the sake of trial and error with him, but im having a hard time leaving this one alone.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 February 2015):
 I have to agree this sounds somewhat like it might be more blown up in your brain than in reality.
I am not saying he does not like you. I am not suggesting he does not flirt with you. But is it remotely possible he's just a very friendly flirtatious guy with a very understanding wife? IF he's like me he goes home and tells his wife how cute that girl was at work today.
I am an outrageous flirt... I don't make any bones about the fact that I am fairly happily married and totally committed to my spouse and that sounds like the ONLY difference... he may think that if he makes it clear you don't have a shot at him that you won't "play"
My husband says "you flirt like you breathe" and he does not find it threatening at all... rather he finds it very amusing to watch the other guys blush.... YES I am that outrageous of a flirt. But if a man crosses my boundaries or TOUCHES me I cut him off at the knees.. and that is the last time he gets a fun flirt from me. NOTHING in my flirting and attentions to co-workers or friends is a threat to my marriage.
Sounds like you are what I would classify as "the work wife" I have had work husbands... they are just great co-workers you click with.... it's a lot of fun...
do not play with fire.
do not wish to own a man you have no rights too.
maybe you need to become friends with his wife and that would help you put it in perspective... invite them both to dinner one night..
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2015): I guess this is for you AND for the female anonymous who wrote in saying she's having an affair with an older man. Do some research on addictive relationships and why they begin and happen. There are some good books out there - How To Break Your Addiction To a Person is one of them. You both have addict traits, so it's worth understanding why. Co-dependency for Dummies is also good.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2015): True story.I worked with a man who obviously had a crush on me. He was married and so was I. I was only married for four years at the time but truth be told, I did find him attractive.He would sit in the lunchroom everyday waiting for me so that he could have lunch with me. Even at break time. He knew exactly when I would be there. I had lunch with him because I enjoyed the conversations but more than anything I think I was just trying to be nice and polite. I was happy in my marriage.I was friends with him and we talked. Eventually it got to the point where he told me his wife was his only sexual experience and he said he wishes he had experienced being with other women. BIG RED FLAG! I knew what was on his mind. He was trying to start something.This is what I did.I stopped going into the lunchroom. I ate lunch at home. I stopped being where he thought I would be. I asked my husband to come in and pick me up for lunch. I removed myself completely from the situation. When I saw him, I would still be nice and talk to him but I kept it brief. Eventually he did get the hint.He got over it.This man will too.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2015): simple answer .... Nothing . why waste your time with somebody that just wants a fumble . If he wants to be with you he will leave the women he is with .
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (6 February 2015):
 Anon is right that loads of affairs are emotional, not just sexual - but I stand by my karma comment and the fact that you'd be mortified if your child came to you heartbroken because their partner cheated on them and you sit there knowing you did it to somebody's family, even if you didn't stay with them or have any lifelong commitment to them.Two years of "dating", being the woman on the side (which you are until he's divorced), is nothing compared to the life(lives) you're helping tear apart - or, at the very least, you can't say that two years is a long time if you know that he was with his wife for several years when he cheated, or the affair(s) you know about. The anon is right, and I don't think emphasises it enough, they were in a LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP and cheated - so, two years isn't really enough (in my opinion) to comment on whether the married man(/woman) won't flirt with anyone else.Honestly, I hope you and Anon both move on before any more damage is done; I'd hope that everyone who wants to feel loved can feel REAL, whole love, without all of the complications of half or a relationship - as well as wanting the innocent families (especially the kids) to never have to be so callously deceived and, quite frankly, betrayed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2015): I have been with my married boyfriend coming up on TWO YEARS.Ours began with an intense chemistry and an unstoppable magnetic pull toward each other. We felt powerless to the inevitable. We felt we were just meant to be. And maybe we were. These kinds of connections do not happen everyday. So I do not agree completely with Honeypie when she says he will eventually find someone else to flirt with. Although he may be friendly or "flirt", not everybody is going to turn his head the way you do and did. Yeah, you can bang anybody but affairs are usually about more than that. Especially the longer they last. A serial cheater may be out chasing one skirt after another but often a married man looking to have an affair is not getting his emotional needs met at home. Believe it or not, it is not always just sexual. Although I believe the sexual attraction is the match that lights the fire.So often men get tired and bored in their marriages, especially if long term. The wives may lose interest in their husbands and often there is a breakdown in communication. Everything becomes routine and romance and the good feelings of the romantic love stage go by the wayside. A lot of times the sex will diminish or stop altogether which does not sit well with most men. And so they just go through the motions and once they go through them long enough and become dissatisfied enough, they will seek out a solution outside the marriage. Another woman who understands them, pays attention to them, does not take them for granted. Makes them feel alive again. Of course it is easier for us to appreciate them as we do not live with them and enjoy our limited time together in a fantasy bubble without real life intruding. Some men may no longer love their wives but feel duty bound to stay in the marriage. Maybe they never did love their wives and married for the wrong reasons from the start. They may have financial assets together and are afraid of living in poverty once the marriage is dissolved and assets are split or often the wife taking more than her fair share. Also children are a factor. My married man has children but they are all grown but when they are young, most men who are responsible and love their kids do not want to abandon them even if they no longer love their wife. They will also feel duty bound to their children and to the family unit for their sake. And stay for the sake of the children. It is all so complicated and the reasons for staying are plentiful. You cannot truly blame them. They feel stuck. And perhaps trapped. And the only way they can escape, even for a little while, is through the fantasy of an affair.My married man loves me and I love him but he will never leave her. So the question is never whether or not they love you or that there is an intense attraction and connection because all of those things can and do apply. The end result though, despite anything else, is that they rarely leave their wives. They can love you and not love their wife and still never leave her. You will be the other woman forever. Can you sit on the sidelines with half a relationship indefinitely? Wasting all your marketable years, where you are still young and attractive and have other options for a full relationship, which is what we all deserve. Can you live with it being one sided? All at his convenience? Not yours. Can you keep it fun and lighthearted and enjoy the fantasy without falling in love? It almost always ends up in love. And then it gets messy. Maybe for awhile you can pretend but eventually you start to feel bitter, resentful and your self esteem and self worth will erode. I am good at pushing it all aside, lying to myself, but many nights I cry myself to sleep at night wishing I could be with him. It isn't just crying. It is a deep, painful mourning from the depths of my soul. Wishing that he was all mine. He is the LOVE OF MY LIFE and he belongs to another woman. I cannot sleep in the same bed with him at night. If I am sick, he cannot be there to take care of me. He spends holidays with his family, not me. We cannot go out in public together. We can never see a movie, go for dinner, go out to a concert together. We are always hidden away inside my house. I used to feel special because he chose me or so I thought over his wife because we are having an affair. But really he is not choosing me... or her. He is choosing himself. I am his secret. The weight of bearing this all becomes very heavy eventually that you will reach a point of emotional collapse and the likely end of this affair is that you need to free yourself. He will not leave as he is getting the best of both worlds. The only way he would leave is if his wife found out. So, in the end, the pain begins to surpass the joy. Is this what you want your future to look like? In time, you fall in love and what began with excitement, promise, a feeling of invincibility and happiness and being on top of the world turns into misery, desperation, isolation, despair and utter loneliness. It turns into a roller coaster ride of highs, the best highs you will ever experience in your life... to the worst and darkest moments you will ever have. And your emotional health and overall wellness is eventually affected. You feel like you are trying to keep the fantasy alive and desperately are holding on because you love him and cling to the hope he will someday become yours. And even if he did become yours, how would that play out? It would never be a smooth road. Because you will never trust him and he may not trust you either. Trust is the foundation of any strong relationship. Without it, it will crumble. Then he will have the guilt and broken pieces of a shattered family, a failed marriage and that impacts to his extended family and friends as well. The negative impacts are enough for him never to consider changing his life. Even IF HE LOVES YOU. So it will always be DEAD END. Your relationship WILL NEVER GO ANYWHERE. Is this something you want to INVEST your best years on?You see, I am your future.Why am I still here?Maybe I am stupid. But I guess it is because I love him. And I hang onto the happy and good times and the euphoria I still feel every time he looks at me.My man is much older. He makes me feel safe but also very vulnerable. Because in affairs, you just never know what can happen. I go around feeling insecure all the time. And this is probably the hardest part.Sometimes they last a day, a month, a year, two years, 20 years. But rarely do they last forever.Do you think you can just have fun with him without falling in love? You are risking so much more than you know. Serious heartbreak, losing your own self esteem, self worth, isolating yourself from everyone because you will feel shame and exist in some sort of fantasy world that is not real... You will find yourself abandoning your real life to keep the affair going. Eventually your start to ignore work, your family, friends, anything that will keep your focus on your addiction. Because that is what it becomes. You are like an addict, waiting for the next hit, waiting for the next time he calls you, comes to see you. Worrying if he will or if he won't. Worrying if the last time you were with him would have been your last. You see, you do develop a dependence on each other and affairs are rooted not in real love which means acceptance of one another but in fear... of losing that person. And that fear can do some real psychological damage. You will have no one to talk to about your situation and you will need someone to confide in because it becomes a big weight to carry... but you can't talk to anyone because you will be judged. So you keep the secret to yourself. It wears you down. Believe me, it eventually starts to destroy you. Don't you deserve better than this?My advice is stop flirting. Who cares what he thinks. You do not owe him an explanation. Focus on available men who you are attracted to. Trust me, they are out there once you allow yourself to clear your mind of this one. You can do it. IT IS A CHOICE. Well within your power. Also you work with him. I caution you against involvement even for this reason alone. When it goes bad and it will, it will become a nightmare in your work place. You will be gossiped about, vilified, shunned. Your reputation professionally and as a person will take a massive hit and it will not be repairable. You will without a doubt have to remove yourself from that environment and find another job. That would be inevitable. And just consider that his reputation will not be as tarnished. I am not sure why but women seem to get the brunt of the judgment. Men seem to get a pass. Are you prepared for that? You need to act with integrity. Leave him alone. Let him work his problems out with his wife. You have no place between them. You can find a man of your own. Without baggage. A man who will lift you up, not drag you down. Trust me this man will drag you down, even if it is not his intention. Trust me you will not be happy in second place. You will eventually demand more. More time. More love. More attention. And he is not in a position to give it to you.Of course at the very beginning where the attraction is at its peak and the allure of the excitement and consummating the relationship dangles in front of you like a brand new, shiny toy, you won't see or care where it will lead you.I am telling you where it will lead you. The toy will get old and it will break. And you will wish you never opened the packaging.Take your focus off him. You owe him nothing. But you owe yourself happiness. You won't find it with him.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (5 February 2015):
 I strongly suggest you try harder to leave him alone. Married men that cheat normally do not leave their wives kids and homes for the other woman. Don't kid yourself. They will say whatever they need to say to keep the woman hooked but in the end the other woman spends most nights and weekends alone. And if he does leave his wife? how can you trust him? If he cheated with you what makes you think he wont cheat on you?
Save yourself time and heartache. Find a single man who comes with no baggage. Reality is usually not as attractive as fantasy. He may be what you think you want but if you had him he might not be such a catch. Stop before anything gets started.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (5 February 2015):
"What to do when there are mutual feelings of trust and attraction......but he's married?"Leave it alone and imagine yourself as the family you would help him break up. Quite frankly, you'd have mutual feelings of selfishness, inconsideration, callousness, insensitivity and nastiness.You aren't in control of your desires, but you are in control of whether or not you act on them. He may ruin his family anyway, but don't be a part of that; karma might come round and bite you when you have a family of your own - especially since you'd be encouraging your children to accept cheating in their relationships, whether it be them cheating or being cheated on. Wouldn't you feel a bit responsible for that? :/Even if he left his wife, it would need to be before anything was admitted between the two of you and several months before you decided to act on it, otherwise he's just rebounding to the "new, young thing" and could do the same to you - would the probable heartbreak of all involved (but him) be worth it? Personally, I'd say no.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (5 February 2015):
Dear OP,
Last year, I met the man that I loved at first sight, we felt like soul mates. BUT he was and still is married with kids. After 6 months of having an affair, of his marriage almost breaking apart, of him and me and his wife getting ever and ever more depressed, of me offering all my love to him and asking him to stay with me..
.. he broke up with me. Saying he loves me soo much, but he also loves the kids (no word about the wife..) and he doesn't have the strength to start a new life with me. And he doesn't want to only see the kids on weekends. He doesn't want everybody to blame me for breaking up his marriage. He doesn't want the parents and neighbours etc. to think badly of him. And so on.
Maybe the feelings are real, on both sides. And so will be the pain if you give it a try. In a love triangle, every one feels on the losing end. The wife feels unattractive and betrayed, the husband like a dishonest piece of sh*t, and the lover feels like she's always second-best, sacrificing herself for a relationship that is never on her terms.
Married men don't leave their wife and kids. They have an affair, sometimes, to get what they don't receive inside their marriage. But in the end, family life will win. Or, statistically speaking, at least in 90% of the cases, it will. I thought I might belong to the other 10% but I was so wrong and my heart is broken.
Take home message: You must find out for yourself if you want to go one step further. But I would strongly advise you to let this slide and tune this down to just being friendly.
If you start an affair it can lead to a broken heart and a troubled time at work (if he and you break up), or ending up with a guy who has just left his family and is utterly depressed and feeling like a shitty father (if you "win" against his wife).
It can't really have a happy ending.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 February 2015):
 Honestly, I would nip this in the bud. He is WAY to tempting for you to not at some point say what the heck, I'll sleep with him, JUST one, and then.. well, maybe twice.
HE should be off limits and if all this heavy flirting is PART of the super chemistry, then you need to cut it out.
How would you feel if this was YOUR husband and some female co-worker? It would be less attractive situation, right? Let's say, he left her for you... HOW long do you think it would be before he met someone else to flirt with? He gets "high" of these ego-rubs, the flirting and the KNOWING that he might get you to drop your panties one day.
Do you go out with friends ? Do you notice other guys?
Have you considered that you are so hooked on THIS guy because he IS unavailable? He is the TOTAL fantasy?
Don't do this to yourself. Don't live in "what if" la-la land where he leaves his wife and you two ride off into the sunset - it's NOT going to happen.
Consider some of the traits in him that you REALLY like and LOOK for that in a man who is single.
I know it's easier to live this little fantasy life, because that way YOU don't have to go out and put ACTUAL work into a relationship, but you STILL get the attention you crave.
Come on, you know better. Now ACT better.
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