A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married to my husband for almost 13 years. He is generally a good man but he is not easy to live with. All along he has had problems with light substance abuse, anxiety, anger management issues, borderline personality disorder (which is putting people and problems in black and white categories with nothing in between). I have always felt like I was walking on egg shells with him to avoid him from getting angry or disappointed in me. In the process, I completely lost my sense of identity. When I came to this realization, I completely lost it one day and got extremely depressed and told him he was the reason for me feeling this way and I felt like I wanted out. He was completely shocked because he felt I had loved him all this time, which I did, because I wouldn't have sacrificed my sense of self if I hadn't. I have put my foot down and told him I can't deal with anger, negativity or anxiety anymore. He always wanted me to be his doctor, but I can no longer do this and told him. When I came to this realization, I also met a male friend who was so easy to talk to and has a completely different outlook on life. I have told this new friend it will not go anywhere if I am married. He understood and we left it at that, but I feel so overwhelmed.Since expressing my idea of wanting out, my husband has suddenly gone on meds for me, made an effort to take me on vacation (he couldn't fly anywhere previous to that due to anxiety). When we went on a trip though he still had a panic attack, and I was back to dealing with emotional and mental illness when I, myself, need help and need to detach from such issues. I feel that by detaching from issues though, I am detaching from my marriage, which is probably wrong. But you see, the 2 come hand in hand (issues and my husband come hand in hand). I have fought a strong battle all these years, giving up myself, and my friends just to assuage his insecurities. It was wrong. I am now caught between guilt (of potentially leaving one day) and staying and continuing a battle I no longer have the urge nor energy to fight for anymore. I love my husband dearly, but I feel like I want out! Is it worth continuing or do I give up? I don't want to spend more of my life dealing with emotional/mental issues. I want to be free and a new me has emerged. Just not sure it is compatible with my husband anymore. I am stuck between my past and my present/future. I believe the meds will only help reduce anger issues/moodiness in my husband, but he will still be the same person I have coped with all these years. I feel guilt because then would I have not loved him unconditionally?
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female
reader, pepper  +, writes (22 February 2015):
 Hi hunny
You just described my first marriage, i ended up being very ill because like you I was trying desperately to look after my husband. There are slight differences but the outcome was the same as you are going through now.
I had to go and seek counselling, I got extremely ill. I was with my husband for 15yrs
One day I woke up and left, I had no energy and could see no future for my children. I won't say things were easy as they most defiantly were not. But I took time looking after me and this is what you need to do, I'm not suggesting you leave your husband only you can decide this huge step. I am however saying you really need to spend time on you. Any avenue of help go down, if I'm not wrong you are feeling weak you need to get you back and feel strong again. Your husband needs to get help from someone other than you and to stop using you as his emotional crutch, Without realising what I was doing I was enabling my husband to just continue drinking gambling so on by listening helping and just being there for his every problem. He would get drunk get angry get sorry get anxious then get needy...it was a vicious cicle and one you get very ill with.
I hope this has helped
Take care of you *Peps* :)
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 February 2015):
 I sound like a broken record here lately OP. But in this case I think that the very best thing for you to do is find AL-anon.
you speak of learning detachment. they can help you learn to detach with love from your husband and yet support yourself which in turn will support your marriage.
You speak of guilt. Al-anon can help you with that too.
You speak of him having substance abuse issues and anxiety but as soon as you told him you were thinking of ending the marriage he started trying to fix the problems. This means you leaving him is his rock bottom.
Now it's your choice whether or not you want to stay with him if he's trying to fix his issues. Should you decide to stay and give it a try one more time since he is making changes then I strongly urge you to attend at least 6 different Al-anon meetings and pick up some free literature to see if any of it resonates with you.
There are three things that have to be fixed here. ONLY one of these broken things is your responsibility and that is YOU.
You go to AL-anon to fix YOU not your husband or your marriage.
As you work on your issues they will impact your marriage.
If your husband opts for AA and to work on his issues then his changes will affect your marriage too.
I tell folks that there are three entities being fixed in a case like this.. husband is one wife is one and then the marriage is the third separate entity.
You can't fix the marriage with out fixing the people in the marriage.
Since you can't control your husband, (Nor should you) the only person you can work on fixing is you.
A good therapist can help. I'm shopping for one for myself now. But what is really helping me learn loving detachment is Al-anon.
I have attended a total of 5 meetings over the last 3 years. 4 of them in the last two weeks... in just this week it has started to resonate.
IF your husband is working on his issues, and you want to try to make it work, give it a year... then make a choice.
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