A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys, my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and 2 months, but there is something that I cant quite wrap my finger about and it’s the fact that my boyfriend every time we see a movie, show or whatever on tv and theres a pretty or beautiful woman he acknowledges it and says how beautiful she is in front of me and trust me this is all the TIME!!!.Not to mention that when we go out and there is a beautiful girl in a restaurant, movies, walking nearby,etcc I can tell he looks at this girl back and forth trying to be discreet but I can see he is looking, this happened yesterday we went to a popular outdoor mall where we live and little after we arrived this group of couples arrived and in front of us was a guy and his girlfriend ( part of that group, she was very pretty indeed) but first I was eating enjoying my meal, then I noticed my boyfriend was looking at her, so obviously I got the picture.Then he began telling me how their body language was, so I just went ahead and said to him, that this girl was really pretty for the guy that she was with( it was the truth, nevertheless that’s their business right!!) so my boyfriend said the same thing, that she was way to pretty for her boyfriend. Then he stared a little more. When we left, the group of girls had stand up to go to a fashion store in front of us, so when we were about to leave we were facing the store and there she was with the rest of the girls ( with their behinds facing us) I saw them and then my bf looked and then as we left walking away he looked again.He did this to me in another restaurant, where he was the one facing a couple, well facing the girl especially , with huge fake boobs and commenting how she looked like an actress that had an amazing body but ugly face, then he said “oh the couple is leaving the boyfriend was a gentleman for putting his sweater on her”Why do you guys thinks is the real reason this 48 year old man does this to me or comments these things in front of me ( 31 years old) is he insecure? Is he gaslighting me? He wants to make me jealous or doubt myself? To me all of this scream insecurity from his behalf trying to make me( which I happen to be very secure) to make me insecure, or even worse make me feel belittled, or as if I AM NOT ENOUGH FOR HIM. Not cool for a man that supposedly” loves me and wants me very much”My good friend told me that he is acting very immature for his age and the fact that I talk to him about how good I look, that I love my curvy body and how much security I have in myself, may drive him nuts and he wants me to feel the other way around so he can have some control over me, she also told me these men turn women obviously if they are not strong enough into the most insecure woman ever.Sometimes, he tells me how good I look,, before he used to do it more, now it has decreased I say it more to myself in front of him. I feel this gets to him for some reason ( when I praise myself) I do it because I know I am beautiful and look good.
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male
reader, N91  +, writes (1 April 2020):
 I think that it’s sad that you’re even here as if you’re trying to live up to his standards and desperately trying to gain his approval and have him compliment you. Whatever games he’s playing, they’re working!
Believe me, there are men out there who will compliment you without you having to fight for it. Please realise that you can do better. You’ve told us yourself you’re an attractive woman so why stay with someone who makes you feel like shit? Give us one good reason.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@CindyCares Yeah, maybe it has pushed his buttons for me to say how I feel about myself .The funny thing is that the way this man has described this “ beautiful women of his past” is not at all what she really looks like, he once said to me: he was telling me that this woman was insecure, and I was like WHY? she has all these rich men in the luxury building after her, sending her flowers, gift as you said before, so I replied” why is she so insecure, does she have a bad figure, what is it, it does not make sense to me at all!! And boom and he quickly replies:” oh NO, she has an amazing body, she has the coke bottle body, all the rich russian ladies that live there, always give her compliments on what a body she has!!So obviously my curiosity beat me and I took a look at some of her pictures, and her body is normal, nothing wow( she does look like she exercise a lot, but honestly I see no curves on her at all. ( so like my fried said he exaggerates this woman to make her seem better/ more perfect than what she really is. Thereby to make me feel as If I needed to step up to her level.I would never want to look like her, I don’t want to seem cocky but I think I am prettier than this woman, but that’s something my boyfriend will never admit or even tell me, cause the first couple of times he talked to me about her, he never even said: but your way prettier than her or more beautiful, he just said: your younger than her, have a great heart, And I am thankful to have found you!. But he never EVER has told me that I am better looking than her, nothing, so either he does it, AGAIN to make me insecure or to keep it in a mysterious manner, and keep me guessing about this woman.It’s crazy that when you meet a person, you don’t know much about them and you don’t think you will have to go through this, until BAM he mentions me all about this girl, from that day on , I should have just clised the doors immediately and say to him:” listen I could care less about this woman. So please don’t mention her anymore” but since I started listening to all his yapping, then I just had to deal with the whole story, and the several times he has mentioned her.Some people have told me that a man that loves a woman would never do this in the first place, so it was very immature of him to do this, does not make sense at all, unless he has motives to do so.Also this could be a sign that he is a superficial person and loves luxury and believes that a woman has to be super beautiful, cause TRUST ME, when we see a girl that is not so pretty, he says it right away, that girl is not sexy at all, or she looks ugly/ bad in a very superficial way like if all that matters to him was looks.He has to have an underlying situation to why he feels this way and does what he does.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (31 March 2020):
 Uhm… aren't we making this a bit more complicated than it needs to be ?
Not to dismiss your psychologist friend's insights, or my DearCupid colleague's insights… but this sounds to me like a rather simple , evident case of " he's not that into you ". That's all.
Obviously I am not saying that he dislikes you , or despises you. He likes you- you are allright for him- atm. But I think that , if he had, or he felt he had, better options,- he' d take them. He does not sound like someone who's in love.
If he were in love with you, it would not even cross his mind to °constantly° torment you with comparisons or putdowns, or to have a running commentary going about all the hot chicks that he sees ...everywhere.
Sure, "boyfriend " ( or even husband ) does not mean blind.
Even a devoted partner will notice if he chances into a feast for sore eyes. This will happen every now and then, though, not all the frigging times you are going out- as if he were a paid talent scout for some fancy model agent, who needs to keep staring around in search of the next " it " girl.
Most men would avoid that, same as they would avoid going on and on with panegyrics about other women's charms… (both past and present )- simply because they are not jerks and they know this behaviour is inconsiderate and bad form. But also those dicks who haven't been taught social skills...eh love is a mystery, and mysteriously gives those
dicks, when they fall in love, the " feel " and the sensibility to know what is appropriate to say , and what instead is disrespectful or hurtful.
Basically, ...he speaks to you about the same things, and in the same glib, casual way, as if he was speaking to a male buddy. Sorry but to me this feels like… he 's just not °that° into you. Without the nedd to go Freudian or Jungian and focus on his childhood traumas etc. etc.
I would like to add a little remark ,but honestly I don't know, I could be totally wrong. Yet, it is a possibility . I suspect that maybe deep down you are not so self confident and so happy with your looks as you say… precisely because you say it so much , and so often ! Like really self confident people °never° do. It feels a bit like… you are whistling in the dark :), to shore yourself up a bit ?
Anyway : if you remark so often abouty your beauty and confidence … whether you really feel it and you want to celebrate it ?... or whether you don't feel it and you try to fake it….. I can see how it can be a bit too much to a guy. Rather annoying. It sort of °makes° him want to take you down a peg . He shouldn't , mind you, he is still a dick for doing that- but, well, he got provoked a little .
IN conclusion, though,- I think N91 is right. The reason why he does X or Y may be for him and his shrink to debate if they wish- as far as you are concerned, you need to focus on your needs : the need ( and the right ! ) to date someone who treats you well and with respect. Tell him to stop the offending behaviour, and if he does not stop at once , give him his walking papers. You already had more patience than he has the right to be shown.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (31 March 2020):
I think it shows how much he’s affected your confidence though as you’re even here asking the question. A lot of people would have just broke up with him and left him to obsess over other girls on his own.
You’ve given him a lot of patience here, some may say too much. If I had a partner who did this I’d of told them straight the first time, if it happened again they would have been given the boot.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Honeypie @N91 My good friend which happens to be a psychologist told me the same, she said that he is obsessed with this woman because their fling did not last and he idealized this woman so much only to come to the conclusion that she was not the girl he thought she was so this created some sort if impact,( unresolved past issues) that has lingered til now.She also told me that it does not matter at all to try to be prettier or better than this woman, because he sees her the way he does and that’s it, nothing can change that not even if I dress prettier or whatever. He is just obsessed about her and nothing will change, he will continue to see her as the most beautiful, sexy, amazing body girl, that he told me in my FACE that she is.I have to be honest I find her pretty, but in a normal way nothing WOW like he does, then again he has seen her personally, I just don’t see her this way., and also my friend told me that she believes that my boyfriend exaggerates all of these stories he has told me about when he met this girl, to MAKE HIM and HER more INTERESTING and WOW to MYSELF. Like to make her seem amazing and more appealing that what in reality she really is, so that way I can feel jealous, below HER and less PRETTY.My friend also said that he does this as you said for control and gaslighting, since I am very attractive and beautiful, so I doubt myself.He acts like if this girl was the last coke in the desert, I think he likes to bother me or play mind games, cause my self esteem is very hight, I love myself physically and he knows it so I think this BOTHERS him,.This behavior of obsession that he has needs some studying cause as much as I try wrap my finger around it I just can’t understand why he feels this girl is so exquisitely Beautiful. Or just in general the way he feels about her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 March 2020):
 Again, control is a thing for him.
He waited 3 days to say hi back to her. So that HE didn't look interested. He OBVIOUSLY wanted to engage her in conversation but AT his terms, which is also why he did a voice mail, maybe also because you couldn't access that?
I think SHE is SO fascinating to him because SHE (in reality) turned him down) which would also make sense with the whole "wait 3 days" nonsense. She is unobtainable TO HIM. She on the other hand likes the "worship" and attention that he occasionally throws her way.
And then there is you. What you would list as his good qualities?
Because to me, I don't really understand why you want to be with a guy who plays mind-games with you, who seems obsessed with another woman and overall, somewhat of a douche-nugget.
What is it that keeps you staying around?
Because to me (again) I have no doubt that there are men out that of a MUCH higher quality that you could aim for or go for, but you have (for whatever reason) settled for this one, making it's your job to "fix" him into what you THINK he can be. He never will BE that man. Because that is not who he is.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (30 March 2020):
It isn’t about insecurity, it’s about him not being a complete dick. What an insensitive thing to say in front of someone who’s supposed to love you.
You don’t do it to him, so why does he do it to you? Do you really want a partner that has this level of respect for you? Stop treading on eggshells and tell him straight that this stops right now or he can look for a new partner to compliment other girls in front of.
Like I said, this isn’t normal behaviour, there’s obviously a reason why he’s doing it which is probably for control reasons as already mentioned. Do you really want to date someone who tries to bring you down so that you stay in line? You’re supposed to be his partner not his submissive. Either tell him this behaviour ends now or else he’s gone, surely you think you can do better than this?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2020): I really think you should cut ties with this boyfriend for good. Because from your updates, red flags are everywhere. It is true, as earlier posters mentioned, that most- if not all- straight males will enjoy looking at attractive females. It is something most of us gfs and wives have to put up with unfortunately, and can make us feel like crap, BUT good men DO try to LIMIT it and be really quick/ subtle about it. Basically, a good man won't stare. Yes he may involuntarily look, but he tries to be polite about it. To be honest, when I first met my husband, we were young, and for our first months of dating he talked about other women, mostly celebrities, how hot they were, how he liked this and that about them, going on and on with way too much information. I finally told him how rude he was being and actually broke up with him over it for a bit. He wrote me an apology letter, and explained that he actually thought he was impressing me with how manly he was by doing this (really silly and immature). I took him back and he stopped the silly talk and turned out to be a really respectful partner. He matured. So yes, I do think that your bf is partly doing it to brag and show that he is such a "macho red blooded" male. He also enjoys checking out others. It is on YOU to tell him this is RUDE and you don't appreciate it. Then, see if he changes. If he doesn't change, then he is just a jerk. However, I think there are more red flags here because he CHEATED on his last wife!! Yes, they had their problems...but it sounds like he will be unfaithful and can't help himself. I would also be very concerned that he was still so in love with his ex wife who died. Yah guilt can play a major role in adding to the grief, but why does he feel SO guilty? It seems like he probably was the reason their marriage fell apart. If he DID marry her out of pity or gratitude, then he wasn't very honest (telling her he loved her and saying his vows). It is also pretty bad that he lets his friends will trash talk her.He seems like a worrying character with too many issues and too much baggage. I would leave.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@N91, I know its so not right, even if he though so he doesn’t have to voice it or let me know, like I said before maybe its a way for him to make me feel less, more insecure and like honeypie said to have more control.
I’ve never said anything because it may seem like I am insecure which I am not. And honestly I never want to give him that impression a tad bit.
But how can I approach him with this topic without looking like I feel insecure about it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Honeypie, yeah maybe it is control, but do you remember the post I made about this woman he seemed obsessed about, that he said she looked like a model, was beautiful, hot body etc, well, back in February out of nowhere she said hi to him( she was like: I know it’s not your bday, but I just wanted to say hi) I know for a fact that she has a boyfriend or had ( maybe she does not last ling with them), anyways im confused about something here and I would like you to decipher what all of this means!!So my boyfriend replied 3 days after so she would not think that he was desperate to reply, and he replied I hope you are doing very good, ( its basically like saying ( I don’t care about you nor do I have the intention of establishing a conversation with you). So obviously you might think well with his simple reply this woman would get the picture and not talk back to him or anything.Nevertheless yesterday my Dear boyfriend send her a voice message of almost 5 minutes and I suspect it’s because something great happened in her country, she is venezuelan, and the funny thing is that my bf defends everything and anyone from that country and he is not even from there.( and I think he does it it’s because he is or was sickly obsessed with this woman) so he kisses this country’s behind apparently.So this woman replied: “ thank you love” so I am thinking if he was the one that replied simple and short so there would not be more communication between them or that this woman would not reply back, why did he sended this facebook messenger voice message??? Is it purely / merely just because he wants to let her know that he is happy that he country is going to be free or would you think that he approached this situation( used it as an excuse) to SPEAK to her and begin a conversation with her???? Help me here
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (29 March 2020):
Do you think he will change his ways? Have you ever told him how he makes you feel?
It wouldn’t ever enter my head to make a comment like this to my partner as it’s incredibly disrespectful and really not normal. I’d be questioning if this is a good partner to be honest.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 March 2020):
Pleasure?
No, it's not about pleasure, it's control. I mean look at how much time you ponder and wonder about things that have nothing to do with you?
If he makes you feel insecure, you will try harder to convince him that you will stand by him and take this in strides. But should you really HAVE to?
I get that a NEW partner can make you feel a little unsure but an established partner? Should make you feel "secure", shouldn't make you spend THAT much time trying to figure out what went on in his past or trying to figure his stories out. You know what I mean?
A healthy relationship shouldn't be THAT complicated emotionally.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Honeypie Thank you!, I’m glad all is well with you!! Yeah I guess he will not change at all.
But as one reader said below( Maybe it was you) but he seems to fabricate liesor bigger stories than what they really are. Perhaps he wants to seem interesting, like he is all that, or something.
Remember the post I made about the girl that he was obsessed with( the girl he met in a luxury building, in which they happened to have worked together and met).
All of this screams of a man that lives in the past and has not gotten over certain situations. And obviously wants me to feel Insecure,less of myself, like if he was the man and had all these wonderful women, hummm just his stories sound too good to be true. Let’s say a bit exaggerated. The question is why????? Why di this? Whats the pleasure he obtains from this?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 March 2020):
You ask, "how can I make him do this?"
The answer is, YOU can't. You can't "make" him do anything that HE doesn't want to do.
He is partly content with living with one foot in the past. Maybe to soothe this guilt, maybe to make himself look more caring. In a way he is sort of "milking" the fact that his first wife is dead. And he is ALSO "milking" the fact that he can say just about ANYTHING about her because no one there is going to defend her.
The only REAL thing YOU can control, is you. Your actions, your choices, your words, your deeds. THOSE you can control.
So you can CHOOSE to stay with this guy and ACCEPT him for who he has SHOWN you that he is OR move on.
He isn't going to be the man you "think" he can or should be. He is who he is.
And thank you for you well wishes. May you also be well and those around you.
All is good here, this quarantine doesn't bother me much, but I do feel bad for anyone who has lost a friend, acquaintance or family member to illness or their job, house etc. As for my family, all is well the kids are missing school and their friends, missing out on events but that is nothing compared to those who have lost loved ones. I try and keep us all busy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Honeypie, you are absolutely right, thats the point live the present forget the past, and that’s exactly his problem, he needs to let go of his past he is still holding on to it, he has not cut the umbilical cord, whether it refers to his past marriage or the woman that he got obsessed about in 2016, he needs to live the present, how can I make him do this? This is my task , hope your ok during this difficult time, pls stay safe.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 March 2020):
See, this is where I think he is embellishing...
"So this is the crazy part ,I remember clearly that he said to me that she had told him that since she did not want sex , that he could go and do it with other women, but then when she found out she went insane and asked him for the divorce."
HE SAID.... So you really have no way of knowing if she told him they could have an open marriage and that she MEANT it or if she had said it in an argument (but obviously not meant it). Again you said :"I believe he does have the tendency to idealize and create stories" So why wouldn't he make up a story that made him SEEM less of a lousy husband and her more ... crazy?
The woman is dead, she can't deny or confirm OR defend herself.
Why would any woman say:" Sure, go fuck other women and then get pissed when he actually did it?" IF she had meant it.
As for the friend who talked smack, well, maybe your BF already knew this guy didn't like his ex-wife or he would rather someone bash the ex-wife instead of him?
Personally? I think it's WAY more possible that his marriage ended because of his behavior and cheating. That might also be why he carries around so much guilt.
Again though, his marriage and what was said/maybe said/not said... is kind of irrelevant to YOUR currents relationship and HIS current behavior.
You focus should be on the PRESENT. On WHAT you want in a partner, in a relationship and from this partner in the future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Honeypie, Very wise words, I believe he does have the tendency to idealize and create stories, making them seem bigger than what they are.The reason I am focusing on this is because in the past, when we first met, I guess he felt less pressure and was more bluntly honest, than perhaps now that we have 2 years together and saying some things about his past ( even worse now that his ex wife died) can appear more delicate, and since I have strong character, he feels like he can’t talk as openly to me like he did at the beginning of our relationship. Cause he knows I can take things the wrong way.His ex wife was the one that asked for divorce, since she found out that he was dating other girls then they were separated but NOT divorced yet. So when he came clean and told her, she went crazy and asked for divorced.(Apparently at the end of their marriage like 3 years before divorcing, she did not want to have more sex with him, their sex life did not exist, and HE was still WILLING to stay married with her even if they did not have sex.( his MOM told me many things, and trust she knows everything that happen in that marriage, ( my Boyfriend is a mammas boy by 100% , he tells HER EVERYTHING!)obviously she wont tell me every single little thing.So this is the crazy part ,I remember clearly that he said to me that she had told him that since she did not want sex , that he could go and do it with other women, but then when she found out she went insane and asked him for the divorce.I personally believe his close friend is saying the real deal, this guy was literally making awkward statements about my boyfriend ex wife and their wedding in FRONT of my boyfriend and my boyfriend said nothing he was just smiling and that’s it. Why didn’t my boyfriend being so respectful didn’t put his close friend in place when making those personal comments?!!.It’s obvious this marriage was weird, marrying for gratitude and seeing this woman as a sweet and caring mother figure.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 March 2020):
Many people have a lot of guilt after someone dies. Whether they are family, friend or... foe.
Because there is ALWAYS things that were unsaid, left open, regrets perhaps? Self examination?
And don't forget, he probably holds on to the GOOD memories with her, not the bad so much. Which again, is kind of natural. Some people like to "whitewash" the past not because they were actually OH SO happy, but it erases their own bad behavior too. If they lie to themselves enough... maybe they start to believe it.
Whether he loved her or not, it's neither here nor there. Maybe some of the guilt is, that HE feels he didn't love or care ENOUGH about her when she was alive? I'm think there was some kind of care and love, at least enough to sustain 10 years together.
Who knows? He obviously drags that baggage around too.
And let's not forget, the marriage might have ended for a different reason than HE or his friends tell you. His friends have their own opinions but they didn't know the ins and outs of how the relationship worked in the day to day, ONLY what they saw and what HE told them. Just like you only know what is TOLD to you.
He might feel regrets because he cheated more than that one time, for sure. Maybe SHE had enough of his rowing eyes, or maybe she was a women with less self-love and she felt insecure about their marriage. WHO knows? But again, IT REALLY is neither here no there.
THAT is the past. A past HE shared with someone else.
How he is behaving with you is NOT somehow related to her, whether he loved her, regardless of whether she was mentally ill... She didn't make him behave this way. My guess is, THIS is how he has behaved for most of his adult life.
Again, ONLY you can decide what are deal breakers in a partner and a relationship and what is not. THIS is who he is, take it or leave it. Because you can't fix or change him.
He sounds like he is a person who likes to create "stories" (aka lies) as entertainment on top of having no manner around women. (though a lie about someone who loved his ex wife is not the worst he could have made up, is it?)
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ Honeypie, I mean my boyfriend has had quite a weird and dramatic past relationship wise, he married when he was 30 to a women 12 years older than him, then 10 years laters she divorced him because they were not good anymore, he cheated while they were separated, but not divorced, so then she wanted sex with him and he didn’t, I guess he lost interest, she kind of did too, overall the relationship got wasted.
This past year she died of cancer in July, it hit him super hard, he remained in contact with this woman, they were friends, and honestly weird they were no kids involved or anything, it’s like my boyfriend had an umbilical cord with this woman and visce versa, this woman was alone, both parents died, brothers died etc, all of this was a hit mess, yet at first when I met him I did not know all of this communication with him and her was for real that way.
After sometime it was a deal breaker, yet I decided to fight for my relationship, she died , before she died it all seemed as if he was never in love with her, let me tell you his good childhood friend even went to his wedding with this woman and I remember clearly he was trashing everything from my boyfriends wedding to this woman having psychological issues.( which I know that this woman did have issues) the wife of his friend even told me that they all came up to conclusion that he married her as gratitude for her being so kind to him when he had arrived to this country from Latin America empty handed and just a backpack.
So everybody has come to this conclusion, that he was never in love with this woman, which makes sense, and all of a SUDDEN this woman dies and it hits him hard, he wanted to be with her again, he loved her truly, and every perception changed why?
Why when someone dies everybody all of a sudden loves them, feel hurt etc etc, I see this pattern A lot, and this happened to him, plus he feels very guilty and has not been able to forgive himself for cheating on her while separated, I have a feeling he most likely cheated more than once. To me that marriage never worked and was a disaster, even his family was against this marriage, especially his mom who confessed that she always had a feeling that this marriage was never going to work and would eventually end.
Now we were watching an Elton John karaoke carpool, and he says, there was a man that lived across the street from my ex wife and me and he looked exactly like Elton john and that this so called man liked his ex wife he also mentioned that this man was 11 years older than his ex wife and that’s exactly the amount of years she had on him but that he nonetheless felt deeply in love with her.
Does this man say these comments to get to me, cause boy oh boy that was insensitive and to me a big fat lie as well, and honestly this made me feel bad, it was such a bitter aftertaste.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 March 2020):
You say "he MUST have ulterior motives"... must he though?
I'd say probably, because most GROWN people know this is not exactly proper behavior to do in front of a partner. It shows a lack of common sense, common courtesy and well.... lack of maturity.
It reminds me of older cartoons where (usually male toon) would have his eyes bug out and his tongue rolling on the floor. You had no doubt that it was on the sleazy side, exaggerated, but basically about LUST.
Who wants to be THAT guy?
What it all comes down to is this? IS it a deal breaker for you or not.
If it is, well end it.
If it's not, two can play that game. Or you can ignore, raise above it or "simply" find a way to cope with it. be it walk away for a bit when he does it, so you ARE NOT being his audience and thus NOT participating in his game (if it is a game to him), tell him it's embarrassing or whatnot.
While I ABSOLUTELY get that NONE of us goes blind to attractive people when we are with someone, be it a relationship or marriage, there just are degrees to HOW we notice attractive people. Some do the cartoon/lust thing, others just notice at a glance and move on. Some stare, ogle, comment, others don't. Because they were RAISED to have some simple manners.
I don't think he will change this behavior, ever. So it comes down to CAN you accept that in a partner or not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@honeypie yeah and now he does it almost everyday, like a natural thing, the funny thing is that I am a beautiful woman, I guess he can’t handle this and has to come up with these comments to gaslight me or make me feel insecure, he can’t just be doing just because, he must have an ulterior motive, age difference, I am younger, I don’t know.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2020): He's either totally insensitive and stupid or he's doing it to make you insecure and feel less about yourself. It's a very common ploy. Personally? I wouldn't indulge in tit for tat behaviour. It will have no effect on his mindset or his behaviour. He thinks it's fine to judge women in this way and to make you unhappy. Don't stoop to his level.
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female
reader, EmmyApple +, writes (3 March 2020):
My husband also loves to look at women. He constantly stares at them especially if they are wearing leggings or revealing clothes. Even when we are home he loves to watch stuff with hot women on TV. He will watch runway models for hours and not even try to hide it. I also see him scrolling through Instagram and looking at all the super fit and athletic girls. Early in our marriage I felt very insecure especially because I am overweight and I feel like my body can’t possibly compete with those girls. My husband and I both gained quite a bit of weight in our first year and he made negative comments about my weight gain :( That was really hard for me to deal with BUT things have gotten better. I am starting to walk more and try to be more active and lose weight. I am still quite overweight but I am learning to be more confident and wear more sexy clothes. He is giving my body a lot more attention. Our sex life has also improved and I am getting better at knowing what he likes. Yes he still enjoys looking at women BUT he has never flirted or done anything with any of them. Even tho I felt insecure at first, he has been loyal. Honestly, ALL men love looking at women. Some just hide it better. The fact that he doesn’t hide it just shows he feels totally comfortable with you. If he were texting or calling or meeting up with them then I’d be worried. Merely looking doesn’t mean he is going to cheat on you. If your relationship is otherwise healthy, this is no reason to break up. If you want more of his attention try wearing something more sexy. Men are wired this way. You may find a guy who hides it better but I don’t think you’re gonna find a straight man who doesn’t enjoy looking at women. If your relationship is good otherwise, maybe you just need to accept this and not let it bother you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2020): Just agree with him and enjoy all your meals, and make the most of the freedom this can give you to view the spice that may pique your interest.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 March 2020):
Maybe he knows that HE is the guy with the GF who is "too pretty for him" and yes, he might be insecure because he probably knows you could find someone YOUNGER, more successful and more handsome.
I think most people think that if they have a partner that is better looking.
The thing is, the pretty woman with the not so handsome BF, probably isn't shallow. She (hopefully) love her partner for his wonderful personality, or... his wallet. Who knows? And WHY care?
If I were you, I would try and point out ALL the gorgeous men in movies, and for every 1 pretty woman he looks at or comments on, FIND a good looking man in the crowd and do that same. SEE how that goes.
If he doesn't like it, I'd just tell him if he can do it, so can you. YES it sounds petty, but he might not be aware of how sleaze that behavior is.
And yes, it IS very immature behavior. I have seen high-school buys behave with better manners.
Lastly, how is your relationship overall? Is this the "worst" thing he does? Or the most annoying?
And IS it a deal breaker that he acts this way in public?
Because, sure, he could be wanting to try and make you feel like you are not as pretty or whatnot, OR he could be a fan of people watching and thinking (since you engage) that you are too.
Maybe just talk to him? If you haven't already?
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female
reader, CarrieSoa +, writes (2 March 2020):
 He does it because you allow him to do it in front of you. You are a woman of 35, surely you know yourself by now what you tolerate in a relationship?
If you do't like it, dump him. You deserve a guy who looks only at you. Stop wasting your time on why he does this. You should focus on you and why you shouldn't tolerate this behavior.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2020): I think it's totally disrespectful. I understand we all find people attractive and I think it's ok to say it about celebrities now and then, but the way he goes on its insinuating that hes going to sleep with someone else, that you cant trust him. I know men can be like this but he seems overly horny, especially for his age. I think you guys need to have a chat. Ask him open ended questions to see how he feels when he does this... dont talk to him as though he is in trouble, just ask for his honest opinion on it... it's up to you whether you feel you can trust him, but I would take this as a red flag.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2020): I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again . A very good way to find out whether this guy is worth an an ounce of your time is to ask him to tell you about some of the women in this world he respects and admires . Women are ho he appreciates for their achievement , brains and attributes OTHER than their bodies and appearance . All too often one finds that men like this are totally unable to name any woman who have a achieved great things throughout history because they simply see women as ornaments and decorations/objects for men to lust over Does it really matter why he does this . Doesn’t it matter whether he respects women. Whether he respects you ? Because he certainly isn’t behaving like he has one bit of respect for you or any other wine . That includes both the women he deems attractive enough to ogle and those he decides in his head are too old / ugly to ogle . The only truly ugly thing here is his judgements on women and his behaviour.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2020): If you’re trying to find out the why, I think we all look and like to look (both men and women) but some more than others, and some WAY more than others.Three things to consider: One, is he JUST looking, and not doing more? Two, is he rude/inconsiderate about it? And three, if he’s not doing more than looking, and he’s not just being plain rude or causing a scene...then can you accept he may not change? From your question, I can’t tell that you’ve ever told him how you feel about it? If you haven’t discussed it with him then he doesn’t know it’s a problem you have and of course he’s going on and on. Your silence and sometimes your comments may encourage him to go on and on. If you haven’t discussed it then you need to be honest with yourself about why it bothers you and tell him.The thing is, he may not change his behavior. My first boyfriend was a guy like your boyfriend by the way—me personally, I also didn’t like his excessive gawking, except he went out of his way to stare and reached out to other women, lied about many things, so we broke up. I’ve since dated many men and again, while we all have eyeballs and look, I’ve learned that there are a lot of men (basically everyone I dated thereafter) who are discreet and mindful and respectful about appreciating beauty, in my opinion. And for another personal example, my aunt married a guy who looooves looking at women, but he is so loyal and good to my aunt, that to her it’s no big deal. So think about what you can and cannot deal with. Weigh the good with the bad. I don’t know if you necessarily have to find out the WHY as much as figuring out what you’re going to do.
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